My 15 year old son says he is transgender- I don't believe him.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi

Name changed here.

A few months ago my son (15) was in an intense relationship with his first girlfriend. One day I got an accidental email from an account with a girls first name but the girlfriends surname. I assumed it was a relative of the girlfriend but no...my son used the opportunity to tell me it was his other identity and he wanted to be a girl.
We chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him but hoped it was a phase. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. The only ‘sign’ was he started to grow his hair. Everything carried on as normal. He never wanted to chat about it, didn’t want a GP appointment etc.
The girlfriend has since broken up with him. I was hopeful he could move on
Yesterday he left a letter for us all to read to say he wants to be a girl. My husband and older son have read it. We are ok about it. One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies.

But here is my issue. I just don’t think he is transgender. In the gap between him telling only me and telling everyone in the family I have read a lot. Nothing I have read about anyone else’s experiences seem remotely similar. He has no mental health issues, ( reading shows me depression or autism etc can feature in gender issues). Seems happy enough but quite private, lots of time on his computer.
My son has never shown any interest in anything traditionally female. He’s not a butch boy by any means, hates sport but then my husband is not a traditional character. No football or beer here! We could be seen as hippies by some. My son likes more traditional male things - machines, computers
( I totally know all things are for both sexes, I’m making generalisations for speed)
He still stands up to pee! I had found some girls underwear in his drawer. I assumed it was the girlfriends.
He also goes to an all boys school. He is in Year 11. His friends are boys and they play video games, watch films, eat pizza. The 6th form is mixed and non uniform. Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few.

So that’s my brief outline. I wish I had been able to go ‘ oh, it all makes sense now’
I love him, I don’t mind if he’s gay or straight ( he said he still likes girls) I want him to be happy. But how could he hide all these feelings? Wouldn’t we all have had some sort of clue?

Cards on table : I don’t want him to change gender. Be gay, be straight, wear flamboyant clothes but don’t mess with your hormones or chop your body up.

[Ramsay11]

My son spends every waking hour on the internet too. Mainly on Reddit or Twitter, but certainly away from me and my wife's prying eyes. Someone is convincing him that the world is against him and that becoming a woman is the solution. It is brainwashing of the highest order.

[Ramsay11]

I have arranged for my son to attend a counselling session at a local mental health charity. He still seems set on wanting to proceed with becoming a woman. Just to reiterate, he is 15 years old, pushing six foot, broad shoulders, deep voice and has to shave daily. He is not some petite little effeminate lad who could eventually blend in. He shaved his legs for the first time about a month ago (then paid for it the next day when they were itching like hell). Randomly, he blurted out the other day that he should start a course of 'blockers' to reverse his natural transitioning into a man. We said to him that it was too late and hat he can't reverse his height or build. I'm hoping that if we just ignore it, it will eventually go away. Does anyone else have any advice?

[Precessions]

Our story is the same with yours Ramsey11. I don’t know how to help him.

[starfishsunrise]

have a transgender teenage elephant in my roomwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children/3700249-i-have-a-transgender-teenage-elephant-in-my-room

[starfishsunrise]

I was trying, and failing, to link to my new thread.

I have a transgender teenage elephant in my roomwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children/3700249-i-have-a-transgender-teenage-elephant-in-my-room

[Notamomlmao]

Let someone who's trans help you out. Start by calling your kid a she and their preferred name. Just do that. That's it. Give it a year and see where it goes. If it continues check out a gender therapist.
I notice everyone in the comments referring to it as a trend, really messed up people will fake it but it can't be influenced. Gender dysphoria is uncontrollable and the only way to treat it is with tiny steps (and big steps). I have height dysphoria, I helped it by looking at cis men that are also the same height as me(Paul Simon, Prince), I have chest dysphoria so I have a binder(Got it after a few months but it felt like years). Gender roles are made up by society. There are cis straight men that like to paint their nails, doesn't mean they're trans. What separates them is dysphoria. If your kid has dysphoria, that's how you know.

[Kablam]

Look, I'm trans (hi) so I'm going to give you some advice.
You're probably concerned, and confused, and maybe a bit lost or hurt. That's okay. Your feelings are okay.
However, it was most definitely scary as HELL for your daughter to tell you her truth. She may not have wanted to express herself as much around you because you told her that you wanted it to be a phase. That can make her feel rejected and unloved.
The rates of trans suicide and self-harm are so, so high. Please, for your daughter's sake, you need to just love and accept her with all of your heart. It is so difficult to come out to one's loved ones about something so difficult, confusing, and nebulous.
Try starting by using the right pronouns for her (ask her if you're not sure!). Use the name that she wants you to use. Please. It will help her mind, and her self esteem, and her mood so much. Let her dress how she wants to dress. Stand up for her if people try to be rude to her. You're her mum, you need to love and protect her, let her be herself.

[MiniGuinness]

The rates of trans suicide and self-harm are so, so high.
Please link to the research on that.

[2741644ny]

I know this was a few years ago, but i am going thru the same thing... everything u wrote was like ut was coming out of my mouth. Can i ask how it is now?

[MeAlf]

Hi I know u wrote this in 2017 but you have written everything that I needed to say about my own child how's things now? I think my child is confused loves computers gaming, drawing, cars, Lego and car model making no interest in anything girl which makes me be live he's confused

[saynotofondant]

Hi @2147644ny and @MeAlf

Starfishsunrise started a new thread about it here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children/3700249-i-have-a-transgender-teenage-elephant-in-my-room

There’s a really interesting post by a user called lisandria there. This person is transgender MtF and also wasn’t “girly” in childhood. They researched their condition and concluded that they probably have autogynephilia (AGP). This doesn’t make their need to transition any less real, however.

Boys who announce partway through puberty that they are trans might well have AGP.

They might be able to suppress those feelings for months or even years at a time. They might be able to relieve them by cross-dressing in private (ie being a transvestite, though as I understand this term is now controversial) or they might need to fully transition.

Perhaps it might help you all if your child’s Internet usage were limited (if they do spend a lot of time online) and they could have as much real-life social life (sport, being outdoors, mates...) as possible. So they have time away from focusing on gender. I know this is extra difficult right now though.

There are websites run by parents of trans teenagers such as Bayswater Support Group, Transgender Trend, 4th Wave Now. Here is an interesting article on 4thwavenow by the scientists who have been researching transsexualism and transgenderism for decades:
4thwavenow.com/2017/12/07/gender-dysphoria-is-not-one-thing/

[Britishkid7gk]

Unless you are a gender therapist or you are a mind reader, both of which I highly doubt, the chances are that your child will know best. Take them to a gender specialist because they will be far more helpful to your child than you telling them that you hope it’s a phase.

[Britishkid7gk]

The average life expectancy of a black transwoman in America is 35 due to so many trans people either committing suicide or being murdered because of their identity

[mindtheclegs]

@SoapAndGloryAddict

Please be supportive.

If it is a phase then she will grow out of it and will look back on it with the knowledge you were there for her.

If it isn't, being unsupportive could have such a negative effect on her life.

It takes a long time with therapy before any hormone treatment might come about and the fight for surgery takes even longer so don't worry about that for now.

And trans people hide it very well, often over compensating so don't feel bad for not 'spotting it'. It's often so well hidden.

Good luck x

He, not she. Assuming you're an adult, this is just compounding the issue and adults like yourself are one of the reasons children are in this state right now.

Your faux compassion does not quite mask your activism.

[nauticant]

The average life expectancy of a black transwoman in America is 35 due to so many trans people either committing suicide or being murdered because of their identity

You shouldn't be trying to scare the life out of parents by using deliberately misleading statistics:

www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/09/23/41471629/is-the-life-expectancy-of-trans-women-in-the-us-just-35-no

[Galaxy27]

I feel the same, maybe is a phase, my sons 15, and has a mix of friends, who are very open with what they discuss, what they act like, no shame in speaking about these so called ‘taboo’ things, which I find is like that in most kids these days, Even young ones, totally different to when I was growing up, I personally think news and stuff make a bigger deal about it all than what’s happening in the actual real world, it’s on tele, ads, films etc, that it’s not so taboo anymore, kids are used to stuff so don’t see it as a major thing, even in my nephews class, he’s 9, a girl has said she wants to be known as a boy now, all kids/parents have been fine, we are in 2021 now and it’s becoming normal to make everything an issue, people accept different people, fact!! know always be the critics, but it’s very scarce, and that type woukd be like that about anything, even if you didn’t think anything was up before, regarding how you felt, kids will start to think it’s what you do, and question they’re identities, if you get what I mean

[Galaxy27]

Know this is few years old, but how right was you, I’ve got nothing against trans, and people’s choices, but really feel like news, media, school/colleges etc are pushing for kids to question there entire existence from a young age, and make it the norm to not ever be happy in yourself and feel you gotta change your gender to be happy and solve all problems, when kids may not of even felt like that, but now it’s just what you do

[boymom4566]

Just seeing this post a few years later. Going through a very similar situation and wondering what happened w your son?

[Oblomov21]

I know this is an old thread.
But it has some good links that I want to read later.
My very good friend's ds (ASD & ADHD) now says he is trans. I want to be supportive, but my gut reaction is that being trans is a very very lonely path. Because ultimately you want what you cant have.

[Imasoulman]

@Oblomov21

I know this is an old thread.
But it has some good links that I want to read later.
My very good friend's ds (ASD & ADHD) now says he is trans. I want to be supportive, but my gut reaction is that being trans is a very very lonely path. Because ultimately you want what you cant have.

You are right it can be a very lonely path.
Not because you can't have you want though, because you can indeed have what you need.

It's lonely because of the haters, the bigots and constantly being told that you don't know your own mind.

[Oblomov21]

"because you can indeed have what you need."

Thank you for responding. What do you mean "what you need"? You can't get what you want. If you want to be a girl, but you a boy, then you can't be a girl. It's not possible. Do you can't have what you want?

[Imasoulman]

@Oblomov21

"because you can indeed have what you need."

Thank you for responding. What do you mean "what you need"? You can't get what you want. If you want to be a girl, but you a boy, then you can't be a girl. It's not possible. Do you can't have what you want?

Well if you are genuinely trans then you would " need" to transition to what ever level you are comfortable with living your life.

It's not really a "want".

I want a bar of choclate but I can live happily without one.

[archery2]

@starfishsunrise have you heard of Bayswater Support? It's a group for parents whose kids identify as trans, typically in adolescence. It's UK based and they have about 300 families in the group, and do in-person events, webinars and have a v lively online forum. It's been helpful to me and many others to be able to know we're not going crazy and to meet ordinary families with v similar experiences.

//www.bayswatersupport.org.uk