My 15 year old son says he is transgender- I don't believe him.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi

Name changed here.

A few months ago my son (15) was in an intense relationship with his first girlfriend. One day I got an accidental email from an account with a girls first name but the girlfriends surname. I assumed it was a relative of the girlfriend but no...my son used the opportunity to tell me it was his other identity and he wanted to be a girl.
We chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him but hoped it was a phase. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. The only ‘sign’ was he started to grow his hair. Everything carried on as normal. He never wanted to chat about it, didn’t want a GP appointment etc.
The girlfriend has since broken up with him. I was hopeful he could move on
Yesterday he left a letter for us all to read to say he wants to be a girl. My husband and older son have read it. We are ok about it. One of the phrases he used was he was jealous of female bodies.

But here is my issue. I just don’t think he is transgender. In the gap between him telling only me and telling everyone in the family I have read a lot. Nothing I have read about anyone else’s experiences seem remotely similar. He has no mental health issues, ( reading shows me depression or autism etc can feature in gender issues). Seems happy enough but quite private, lots of time on his computer.
My son has never shown any interest in anything traditionally female. He’s not a butch boy by any means, hates sport but then my husband is not a traditional character. No football or beer here! We could be seen as hippies by some. My son likes more traditional male things - machines, computers
( I totally know all things are for both sexes, I’m making generalisations for speed)
He still stands up to pee! I had found some girls underwear in his drawer. I assumed it was the girlfriends.
He also goes to an all boys school. He is in Year 11. His friends are boys and they play video games, watch films, eat pizza. The 6th form is mixed and non uniform. Changing schools not an option as the other girls school does not offer the engineering subjects he is determined to take.
There is a bit of phase in the girls school of transgender. He is friends with a few.

So that’s my brief outline. I wish I had been able to go ‘ oh, it all makes sense now’
I love him, I don’t mind if he’s gay or straight ( he said he still likes girls) I want him to be happy. But how could he hide all these feelings? Wouldn’t we all have had some sort of clue?

Cards on table : I don’t want him to change gender. Be gay, be straight, wear flamboyant clothes but don’t mess with your hormones or chop your body up.

[starfishsunrise]

Thanks wireless. It’s an interesting read. The phenomena seems to effect more girls than boys. There isn’t as much reading on boy to girl transitions
In the months since I made this post nothing much has changed. It may be the elephant in the room sometimes.
I have suggested he can talk to me if he wants but he doesn’t. There is still too much stuff happening on the internet. He’s too tech savvy for me to see.

I am hoping that the fact it’s not consuming him and he’s not showing any outward signs other than long hair means it’s a phase.
I keep trying to find evidence that I’m right. So far nothing as it’s so new.

[likelyLilac]

Just let them be, even if it is a phase (did any of us ever stop dying our hair black just because a grown up said it was a phase), or if it's something that they continue for the rest of their life.
I understand its difficult to ajdust to the person who seems so much different now, but this isn't about you, you can feel sad just know that they're not doing this to hurt you. try to live life as normal and let them decide day to day how they present themselves and how they act. What i would be more worried about is isolation, i would suggest trying to get them out of their room more often by going out or using excuses like teaching them to cook, sitting alone makes it alot easier for negative thought to grow and lgbtq people are at greater risk of mental health issues like depression.
When DD was a young closeted lesbian she went through severe depression which was enhanced by isolation, she said the things that helped her were 1. being more honest about her feelings on a regular basis and 2. the weekly family outing we began going on.
Hope your dc is happy whatever is going on with their gender and that you are able to keep up a good relationship with them while they work it out. x

[Jabbewocky]

Hi
My son was private and spent a lot of time alone in his room. He was a typical little boy and teen, rugby, playstation and cars being his passion really. He became very stressed over little situations that should not have bothered him as much as they did and he complained of being tired (weary really) and eventually he did become depressed. He was 6'2 amiable, had a few close friends and liked girls.
When he was 22 he came to me and told me he was trans and needed to be a woman. His brain was telling him he is in the wrong body and he was uncomfortable with his body and male attributes such as facial hair and deep voice. He says he knew he was different from age 14 but didn't know at first what was wrong. There is a long tale to add to this but I have to say I wracked my brains trying to think of something that I had missed, I should have known right? But there was nothing, no clues at all. He was exhausted from hiding his real self away and spent time alone as he dressed as he liked when in his room and it was a release for him to feel as he needed to feel. My son was quiet and gentle and not extrovert at all. I was worried in case he was making a mistake, in case there was a hormonal aspect causing him to be like this but he explained it is due to how the brain is formed in the late stages of pregnancy and this has been confirmed medically. I think its something like 46% of trans people commit suicide as they cannot deal with the hand they have been dealt. My son started transitioning about a two years ago, gradually, at a pace he felt he could deal with. I felt I was losing my son but now I have a beautiful daughter who finally smiles and has confidence and socialises, there are still a lot of obstacles to deal with but the stress has lessened and she feels she is finally comfortable in her own skin although there are still things she needs to address - deep voice and trying to deal with facial hair etc. Its been a steep learning curve for all of us, not something she would choose to do but something that she needed to do, even though she would rather not have been dealt this hand. Offer support, seek advice and be open minded, don't label or laugh off your childs feelings. When they are feeling confused and maybe desperate the last thing they need is to be told its a phase or a fashion item. Get real people, do you really think people would put themselves through this process if they didn't NEED to. They are not choosing a pair of earrings or what to have for lunch, they are trying to live their lives as best and honestly as they can. And its a hard road to be on sometimes.

[starfishsunrise]

Thanks for sharing Jabbewocky.
My post was from 6 months ago. I wish I could be as accepting as you. I just can't. I still don't see it. I can't make out how pretending to be a girl/woman will make him feel better.

He's still himself. He doesn't seem depressed or anxious. Does nothing unusual.

I have offered to buy some gender neutral clothes, like flowery shirts etc and he said yes but he's not overly pursuing it.

He could push the boundaries much more but he isn't. Surely he'd be a lot more 'screwed up' ( I know, awful phrase but it conveys my meaning) or determined, if it was true?

His plan is to 'come out' at 18 when he starts Uni.

I hope it's a bad dream. I love him. I would die for him. But I dont understand any of his reasons. I just think this is madness.

[Jabbewocky]

well if his feelings are true he is not pretending to be a woman, his brain is telling him that he is a woman but in the wrong body. Incidentally sexually the preference is for a female partner, sexuality and gender develop separately and may follow different paths.
Its not really about acceptance, I miss my son, I wish this had never happened that the path my new daughter is on could be easier and less scary and more accepted than it is now although it is getting better.
I know from experience that a lot of young people who to go to Uni are choosing this life change to come out as its a pivotal time in their lives and Uni's are geared up for supporting trans people.
When my son (my only son) told me, I was so shocked and upset I literally couldn't get out of bed the next morning and phoned in ill. It hit me like a sledgehammer. Because I felt it like a bereavement, I was losing my only son and I was really scared about what may happen next to him and for him. Its been an emotional time and the most prejudice she has had is actually from my ex's family. My daughter was banned from attending her nanna's funeral by them because they would not accept the change she had to make.
My son actually came to me and told me if the transition upset me that much he would try to carry on, but I could see he couldn't do that. I told him there is no way he could cope any more with that. I honestly believe he would have gone under if he had tried to carry on as he was. Finding support was really hard and its taken almost three years now and my daughter has been taking hormones via the NHS for the last 9 months there is still a two-three year wait for a gender id clinic appt. ironically where the support is, until then you are mostly on your own folks. A long time to be on your own feeling your way forward. In my mind I still refer to her in the male sense sometimes, I have to check myself. Occasionally I will call her by her first male name.
I would rather my trans daughter ten times over than a son who committed suicide because he couldn't live the life he needed to and couldn't cope with the hand he had been dealt. There has been a lot of crying from both of us and wishing things could follow a more usual path, but this is it and we have to deal with it. The bottom line is we love our kids unconditionally and we want them to be safe and secure, and this was the only way forward for us and many others. Try to read as much as you can and look for support groups for yourself too, there is not that much out there but it is improving all the time. Ultimately just love your kids and try your best as usual.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Starfish, I expect someone has told you that 80% of kids and young adults grow out of concerns over gender. The NHS recommends a watch and wait policy, so your approach is the right one.

You might find it helpful to read some of the threads about this issue on the Feminism Chat board. I know our analysis has been very helpful to parents of other gender confused teens before. You'd be very welcome.

[starfishsunrise]

Hi Pawn

I did post there a month or so ago. ( and I sometimes chip in with my other user name, this one is almost exclusively for my son's issue)
I consider myself a feminist and maybe that influences my reluctance to accept what he tells me.
I'd be happy ( or perhaps just accepting) of 'total clothing rights' as Eddie Izzard used to say years ago. But I cannot get to grips with much else.
If I had any clue maybe it would be easier but it sort of switched on out of nowhere.
If you met him, you'd find him a highly intelligent, strong willed young person who would be the last to be influenced by peers. It must be something he's found online. Someone said 'it's the new Goth'
I hope they are right.

[titchy]

Someone said 'it's the new Goth'

Probably is. It is very on trend these days. Good luck.

Jaberwock it's lovely to hear how supportive you are and I hope your child is happy now. Just one thing - please don't quote 47% of trans teens commit or attempt suicide - that is utterly incorrect, it's far far less, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to worry parents unnecessarily.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

There's a phenomenon called ROGD (rapid onset gender dysphoria) which is affecting lots of teenagers. It's social contagion. I read about one year group in a school in which there were 7 transmen. So there's a lot of it about.

Does he have a big social media presence? Trans teens are often very involved with each other online. It becomes an echo chamber. There's so much praise heaped on transition, but no one wants to know you if you change your mind.

In your shoes I'd do anything reasonable he asks for. The only thing off the cards would be medication. And I'd try, when appropriate, to question him gently about topics such as what he hopes is possible in terms of physical transition, or what he thinks being a woman means.

[starfishsunrise]

Prawn, I had read about ROGD. but it seems to be girls wanting to be boys. Almost nothing about my situation.
He's not a butch, laddish teenager but there's bugger all feminine about him. His career plan is engineering.
I'm not giving much credence to the suicide stats. Teenagers are vulnerable for many reasons, not just this.
He is online a fair bit and he's cagey, so something is probably going on there. I like the echo chamber analogy!
I like to think of myself as a left leaning inclusive liberal person but then when transgender is raised I just want to shout BOLLOCKS!
Which may be ironic!

[ShotsFired]

Yy to the general advice given.

One small point - you need to understand what he thinks he knows about transitioning. There is a very strong trend towards telling young people they can actually become the other biological sex. There are people out there saying (for example) males will get womb transplants and bear children.

This is utter horseshit, as any sane adult knows. If (big if) it turns out your son does have a genuine dysphoria, bring trans won't magically fix it and he will never be able to physically/biologically become female. He needs to understand the reality.

Good luck with it all.

[Starkstaring]

Starfish - there are ROGD boys although fewer than girls. pm me if you want get in touch with other parents

[starfishsunrise]

Starkstaring thank you. I think that may be helpful. I haven't worked out how to PM from the app.
I will try tomorrow

[Jabbewocky]

Hi

I wasn't trying to worry anybody, it just frustrates me that some people think its a fashionable thing at the moment, like being goth or punk or something. You say the figure is incorrect and I sincerely hope it is, but what source did you get your fact from please? . The stat was told to me by a gender specialist when trying to explain how serious this is for some people and how referring to it as the latest trend is trivialising how much depth of feeling these people have Stonewall published the following in the Guardian:
The findings by equality campaigning charity Stonewall are particularly concerning among trans pupils, of whom nearly one in 10 (9%) have received death threats at school, while 84% say they have self-harmed and 45% have tried to take their own lives.

I didn't pluck the figure out of the air and my intention is not to worry anyone.
My personal experiences are with genuine trans people, both male to female and female to male. With psychiatrists and gender specialists who I have met with over the last few years. To say its a trend and that they will never become who they feel they need to be is rubbish and possibly harming. there are always those who are not genuine I guess but for those who are, it should not be trivialised. They should be taken seriously and supported whatever their decision ends up as. If you turn to someone who is despairing of their situation, believing they are trans and have dysphoria, and tell them they will never be able to change, how would that affect them? Probably not positively. This is not about feminisim but about people who are biologically different to some of us and who are striving to be taken seriously and want help to understand what is happening to them. There is a vast spectrum of trans, not everyone will go down the final surgery route, as humans are they are individuals.

[titchy]

Thanks for responding jaberewck. The stats you and Stonewall quote are from a self selecting on-line survey which basically said: 'Are you trans and have you felt suicidal, if so answer our questionnaire'. Not exactly scientific -more the equivalent of 'If you have ginger hair please take our survey', and then concluding that 100% of people have ginger hair!

Most secondary schools are reporting ridiculous numbers of trans teenagers right now in the UK (maybe you're from elsewhere?) - my dc's school had 10-20 in each year group of 180! Trust me, amongst teens it is very much the thing to be!

[RentalWoes]

“When analysing the responses relating to suicidal ideation the study only looked at respondents under the age of 26.  This reduced the sample size to 485 people.  Of these, 27 identified themselves as trans.  That’s TWENTY SEVEN.  Not 2,000 trans people, 58% of whom had considered suicide, but 27 trans* people, 15 of whom had considered suicide.”
(https://www.transgendertrend.com/a-scientist-reviews-transgender-suicide-stats/)

27 is a sample size so small as to render any results statistically insignificant. Yet it is on this sample size that this horrifying statistic is shouted loud and often used as a justification for treating children with inappropriate hormones and surgery.

All suicide is a tragedy but these figures do nothing except scare parents and allow dangerous activist groups to pursue their own agenda within school, youth groups and health facilities.

[Bluelupin]

Hi I wanted to join the discussion as like starfishsunrise my son is also gender confused. However his path was a bit different - he has the classic deluge of comorbities - ADHD, dyspraxia and PTSD from severe bullying at school, made worse when he came out as bi at 15. But in terms of any gender non conformity there have been zero signs and in fact he is just like starfishes son in terms of interest in science/computers/pees/non sporty standing up has always preferred male company until puberty. Fast forward to 16 and GCSEs and he developed strong symptoms of PTSD which proceeding to self harm and finally suicidal ideation, whereby he was admitted to a psych unit. A few weeks into his stay there he suddenly announced he was trans and wanted to full transition asap. His diagnosis had come from a fellow inpatient who was an anorexic teenager. At the time the unit said lets focus on the other issues first, they had seen this before and only one child actually ever transitioned, so breathed a small sigh of relief. Fast forward again to post discharge (and bear in mind the suicidal ideation and cutting has stopped with zero acceptance) to the CAMHS community care service now he is discharged and the new psychiatrist after his first meeting says 1) I need to accept him and his trans identity 2) quotes that bloody misleading suicide statistic and has completed a Tavistock referral. Luckily because I have been researching the ROGD thing like crazy I said what about Trauma, teenage body discomfort etc and to be fair they did listen but it is so worrying as they themselves were not familiar with the ROGD hypotheses/research and said being trans was still very rare. He now post rationalises saying he always preferred girls sports like rounders to cricket (like Americans who have baseball!!) and it would be easier being a girl so he wanted to be one, but I think that sounds like a cultural issue vs. a medical issue.

[starfishsunrise]

I'm still here and nothing much has changed.
I still think he's delusional.
It's a small elephant in the room.
We don't discuss it.
Unlike lots of other people who have posted my son is completely ..I want to say 'normal' but I know that will infuriate everyone.
But it hit us as a bolt from the blue. While never being overly 'macho' male, he showed no sign of anything traditionally feminine.
My suspicion is that on his 18th birthday he will appear in female dress and say, well you can't do anything about it now.

[Bluelupin]

Elizabeth71 it is so bloody hard, and made so much worse by the lack of certainty of the medical profession as to what the hell is going on with these newly identifying trans adolescents and how to deal with it. There is very little support for parents like us. I am afraid I have not been accepting as I feel it is the thin end of the wedge if I do so, as I too think it is pretty delusional, and it would not be his first delusion.. It is also a lie if for my son personally he thinks he will feel better if he transitions as the evidence does not support that GD alleviates if there is a strong psychiatric co morbidity preceding the dysphoria, it just creates more problems. In the meantime I think/hope the Tavistock are becoming very cautious about recommending transition due to the lack of evidence in the ROGD population. Starfish if your son is 'normal' although hard for you to accept it will be easier for him if he is genuinely trans as he is not dealing with all the other stuff, as that is my worry for my son.

[Bluelupin]

Elizabeth I have 2 other boys, and their interests were identical, zero interest in the world of girls or desire to be friends with them before puberty. What you have is ROGD, called rapid onset as this population of trans have no history of either gender nonconformity or Dysphoria before adolescence- have you looked at the Littman study, 4th wave now and Parentsofrogdkids. Although it is mainly girls (80/20%) affected my son fits the profile exactly. The problem is that all the research and advice is related to those with persistent dysphoria since early childhood, there is no evidence or advice on outcomes for treating this ROGD population. There are however multiple stories of regret after transitioning, and desistance in families who supported with love but not affirmation. The advice is to support them with their mental health and experimentation - but do not actively affirm a new identity as this compounds the problem and the confusion. If and when he goes to a doctor be firm to say there was no history and ask about ROGD vs. normal GD. You are completely correct in everything you are saying - I recommend you join parentsofrogdkids as you also participate in a survey that helps feed into the research on the phenomenon.

[m1randa1]

My transgender daughter told us when’s she was 18. It is a hard thing to tell parents. Don’t suggest it is a phase or you will drive her away from you. It is a brave thing to do. What person would go through transitioning if it were a choice. My daughter is so much happier now.

[starfishsunrise]

@m1randa1 How have you accepted it so easily? What clues did you have?

In the year since my SON told me this he has done almost nothing to change. Surely this would indicate he's not in some sort of crisis? As I said it came as a bolt out of the blue. I had no clue and outwardly there are still no clues. He never raises the issue.
I think he's been brainwashed over the internet by some loonies.
While I accept there are genuine cases. I think there is a big bandwagon many jump on.

I'm not lying to him to say I support this or believe it. All I say is that I love him and he should be happy.