Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

[IamMrsElf]

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

This is.....frightening. Seriously.

Please go to the GP and discuss this and get some help

OP - dry your tears and think about what is best for all your sons

He is too young at 3 to understand gender. He can understand "this is for girls and this is for boys." and that to get the things for girls, you'd only let him have them when he said he was a girl. So he'll keep that up. Doesn't mean he is trans or has the capacity at 3 to understand that.

stop it. Stop doing this to your family. You are not just setting up a lifetime of misery for your youngest son, but you are setting up your oldest boys to believe in strict gender stereotyping about what is and isn't for them as boys/men.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Please try rereading the thread through positive eyes and see that almost everyone has your and your dc's best interests at heart.

You asked for people's experiences and lots have told you about 3/4 year olds who didn't conform to stereotype. My son is another example. He told us consistently for a year (aged roughly 3-4) that he wanted to be a girl when he grew up; he asked for (& received) a My Little Pony for Christmas; he wore princess dresses to parties and girls' clothes to nursery; he refused haircuts. My (very masculine, ex- military) DH walked out of a shoe shop in fury once when a shop assistant tried to tell our son he couldn't get a particular kind of shoes as they were "for girls". In short, we let him get on with being him.

He wears dresses less often now (buzz lightyear or spiderman are his outfits of choice) but he definitely doesn't conform to stereotypes.

When he started school, I mentioned his interests to his teacher. I told our nanny that we don't agree with gendered toys. But that was it. We didn't make a 'thing' out of it iyswim. ive no idea how my son will grow up, but I'm reassured by this thread that we've done the right thing/s so far. I hope you find your answer soon too.

Op: my son is a girl, we call him she and she has 'transitioned' at age 3. I only let him play with dolls etc when he said he was a girl.
MN, including those with experience of trans issues: your son has not transitioned, he remains a boy, stop labelling him, let him be a child.
Op: you've made me cry

Enough already with the dramatics op leave the poor kid alone!

Fgs. All this "Sorry you're upset OP".

I think OP and her equally bonkers DH need to be upset. Better that they spends couple of self-indulgently weepy hours - before hopefully seeing sense - than everyone pander to this madness and potentially fuck up an innocent 3 year old 🙄

Spend a.

I think people are increasingly going to find themselves in the o/p's position.

Children worlds are getting more gendered, not less. Being told in shops by shop assistants- i.e. adult authority figures who would "know" through a childs eyes that they can't get the things they like because they're for the "other" sex.

We see it on here even, posters insisting that girls liking girl things is "natural", not nurture, and boys like wheels because they're boys, not because they know they should like cars not dolls. I'm still seeing children in toyshops prevented from buying dolls or dressing up stuff because it's "for girl's". The parents reasoning is that the child will get bullied for not conforming to gender stereotype.

Like I said upthread I think we're getting into a situation where children who like the "wrong" gender toys are feeling like they have to be a girl to play with dolls, or a boy if they don't like dolls. Some will be genuinely trans, most will be confused and rebelling against stereotype.

My DD never liked dolls, or creative stuff, was very physical, and most people assumed she was a boy. Many still do, age 12. I never linked her behaviour to gender, simply let her get on with what she wanted to do. There's a girl in her class the same, but her parents tried to force her into girl friends, girl parties, took her to ballet etc. Now the child is refusing to do anything that might be construed as "girl stuff", and to all intents is living as a boy. DD tries to point out theres no such thing, but it's so deeply embedded she can't see the amazing male ballet dancers, or female footballers.

I'm confused.

You posted in Feb last year saying your sons were 4, 2 and 6 months.

how old is the DS in question?

Op you won't find parents with similar experiences because what you are doing is insane

My 4-year-old insists that he's a dog. He crawls around on all fours wooffing and saying 'I'm a doggie'. I'd love some advice from other parents whose DC have decided that they're dogs. I need to speak to his form teacher asap about this and discuss the idea of him cocking his leg in the playground rather than using the normal toilets. Anyone?

So damaging its bordering on insanity.

Op Has told her son he is different to other girls. She has told him he is a girl.
It's batshit crazy why on earth would anyone do this, so so sad.

The new government report on transgender equality includes 'gender-variant' kids under the trans umbrella and proposes more training of teachers, and more PSHE lessons from groups like Gendered Intelligence who have been going into primary schools since 2008, teaching kids that boys and girls are differentiated by 'gender' not sex. So if teachers are not sympathetic to parents bring in 3-yr-old 'trans' kids now, don't worry they soon will be.

We have one way of distinguishing between boys and girls which is a biological classification based on recognised characteristics of sex and reproduction. Any other definition is based on gender stereotypes. That's what 'transgender' means.

Please everyone write to your local MP to protest this proposal (we have 6 months before a proposed change in law). This incoherent new theory is damaging enough kids already.

Presumably it's the middle one ThatsNotMyRabbit, given he is nearly 4 now and will start school in September.

Sadly the dates stack up

From aged 4 - 12 ish if someone had said "you prefer dressing as an acting as a boy would you like medical treatment so you can be a boy" I would have said yes that is definitely what I want. At 32 I am a perfectly happy non feminine woman. Don't start down this path when he is so young it is madness!

I was and am a "Tomboy", when possible I wore boy's clothes, I even went through a stage of wanting to be called Jeremy.
Thank god I was born in a time when I was allowed to be myself without the need to assume that I had gender identity issues - to be honest, maybe I did, but I think assuming at such a young age that this is it would be supremely damaging, particularly when your DC hits puberty, which is a confusing difficult time without added complications of being assigned a certain gender (whether the one they choose or the one they are born with).
Your child may stay with their feelings as they are now, but equally, they may change, they need you to let them be themselves without feeling they need to conform either way.
Go with the flow sounds a bit simplistic, but IMO this is what you need to do, until your child has gone through puberty and knows for sure what they want to do, with no input from you apart from support.

There is no such thing as a trans toddler. When I was your son's age I sometimes said I was a boy, because I liked the color blue and toys 'for boys' and disliked pink. Part of this was because my mother kept buying me pink things because 'pink is for girls' even when I said I liked blue better. It didn't make me a boy, it made me a small girl still puzzling out societal stereotypes of gender.

I also used to say I was a mouse. Did that make me (and juneau's 4 year old!) otherkin, or can we just accept that little kids are both imaginative and still learning to make sense of the word?

Please just let your son be who he is without forcing damaging binary gender roles onto him.

Many schools will have dealt with this kind of thing even with young children, and from both sides - girls/boys. Many schools will deal with it pretty well - allowing either toilets to be used, not commenting on which clothes are worn, allowing children to decide which group to join when doing things that are girl/boy separated. In infants the other children are generally very accepting and don't make any issue at all. That's the advantage of little children.

You may find that the school has access to outside agencies who may be able to advise further etc and set up appointments. But this will be very gradual.

I think pshe education that challenges gender norms and addresses bullying of children who don't conform to those norms is a great idea. Homophobic bullying is an issue even in primary schools. But fgs don't label such children 'gender variant' as if it's a frigging binary situation. For all anyone knows the most boyish of boys could be secretly yearning to wear an else dress and by setting up a 'gender conforming / gender variant' binary we are still locking kids into boxes, even if we are creating a few more flavours of boxes.

Have you seen this article on the bbc news site op about a 6 year old school child?
'My son wants to be a girl' - www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35323211

I have a dd who looks like a boy, plays with boys, hates anything remotely girly, wears boys clothes. I can't imagine a more boyish girl. But she's still a girl. I think it's far healthier to let young children be who they want without forcing them into another gender facing a lifetime of hormones and surgery. Why would you even think this at 4?? tragic

Hi OP, I've just tried to send you a PM, but got a message back saying that your settings don't allow them so it would not go through. I have been through your situation, and would be very happy to talk with you about it should you wish. You can send me a PM if you want to talk further. All the best.

Op your child does not need to be considered trans. You and your oh may be very worried and may even have researched thoroughly. However your dc is 3.

Right now all you need to tell the school is dc was named X however currently Dc prefers y, likes to be referred to as she, will be wearing dress / skirt / pinafore etc. Who knows about next week! Any issues that arise from this please do get in touch.

Done. Stay away from the Internet and take it day by day. If your child really is trans they will still be trans at 8, 12, 14 - at 3 taking it day by day is all you need.

Thoughts ? See a counsellor - for you not your son. What you are doing is abusive no school will be ok with this.

Regardless of opinion it's clearly a situation that the majority of people wouldn't have the first clue about and we probably couldn't imagine what it's like to be in your situation.

Never mind that we are mothers, most of us with overwhelming anecdotal evidence that toddlers are pretty gender fluid.

Is that what this is all about? Wanting and believing that you are different to all the boring, norm parents?