Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

[IamMrsElf]

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

Can I recommend this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Are-You-Boy-are-Girl/dp/0993192505 It's written by a friend of mine so I feel I should advertise it whenever possible!

I have a lot of trans friends (see above) and am extremely pro-trans. I'm also in childcare. I don't particularly believe in 'trans' for young children. They might be trans, they might not. If it doesn't matter (which I don't think it does) why bother to give them a label? Being trans only matters when you there's something to be done about it. If she wants to wear a dress and be called a girl, go with it.

The reaction from the other children will probably be "huh? You want to be a girl? OK. Let it goooooo, let it goooooooooo....!". I'm a 6 foot bloke. I was often considered a lady by children because I had long hair. As far as a few were concerned I was a man-woman, and got called "Miss Tiggy", but they didn't really care. There are 100 more important things in your life when you're 4/5.

Tiggy if you don't believe in trans for young children then why refer to this child as she?
Honestly, do you think it's a good thing for a 4 year old boy to rock up at reception and everyone calling him her? Do you think the experience of trying to negotiate that amongst a class of 29 other children who will not understand this in any way will be helpful for this child?

Well, I sort of believe in trans children, but as I would treat them exactly the same as non trans children who want to behave in 'trans' behaviour, and couldn't tell the 2 apart, it's more that I think trans is irrelevant.

My dh (60) likes pink and sparkly things NOW! His favourite guitar case is lines with neon pink fake fur. We have a dd. He seems to think he's a man, nevertheless. We had a chat about transgender issues this morning and there was no hint or hesitation which would indicate he had some questions about his identity or gender.

Leave your boy alone, stop hurting him.

You really need to stop projecting a trans label on to your child; 3 year old should just be allowed to be 3.

I'm sorry, but your attitude is dangerous. Children of this age may be starting to be aware of gender stereotypes but they can have absolutely no concept of transitioning. You are imposing this on your child, years before it can really be an issue.

I did have three boys. One of those boys has told me persistently, consistently and insistently that they are a girl.

Oh my goodness. I feel so, SO sorry for your child.

helpful comments only

I truly mean this to be helpful. Please, please take note.

3 year old children CAN NOT be 'trans.' They just can't.

When I was younger, I remember wishing I was a boy, and even saying 'I want to be a boy!' to my mum. It was a big thing.
What my 5 year old self meant was 'I want to wear trousers to school and play football and cars.' By 15, I was a totally girly girl, albeit very sporty.

Now my point is - if my parents had said to me, age 5, 'OK, if you're sure, then you can be a boy. Are you sure?' I would have said. 'Yes!!!! Thank you!!! I'm so happy, let's go buy trousers yayyyyy!!!' ........and set myself up for a lifetime of psychological trauma.

It is FINE for your son to be feminine. It is FINE for your son to enjoy 'girly' activities. It is FINE for them to question things about their identities as they grow.
But it is absolutely NOT fine, for you as a parent to encourage a childhood fantasy which will have serious consequences for your child's mental health.

As a parent, I have no doubt that you want to do the best for your child. But encouraging them that they are 'wrong' somehow is not achieving this. It is failing your child.

And, although I am not for a moment suggesting that this has been done intentionally, or even consciously, have you considered that your desire for a girl could have been picked up on by your son? Children want to please their parents. In a simple 3 year old mind, he could easily have gone
'hmmm, mummy wants a girl. Mummy, I'm a girl now I'm a girl!!'

Mummy - 'are you sure you're a girl?'
Child - 'yes yes, sure I'm a girl.'

It is frightening.

Please, PLEASE think about what you are doing to your son by encouraging this. You will certainly damage him psychologically if you continue down this path.

I know parenting is hard. But please THINK BETTER of this

OP stop it. Now.

Indulge your DS in his love of girly stuff but stop actively encouraging it. It's fine to say "You're a girl are you darling? It's fun to pretend sometimes isn't it? I used to pretend I was a puppy when I was little!" The fact is he's a boy and you need to stop pretending otherwise.

Do you think there's any chance that, picking up on your desperation for a girl, your DS is trying to fill that role??

I know of two primary aged children who are insistent they don't wnat to be the sex they are.

One is a girl, she's always dressed like a boy and played with boys toys and boy friends and has point blank refused anything for girls for a long time. Shes ten and jts been going on the six years iv known her mum. She won't even wear girls pants, get changed in the girls changing rooms. Her mum insists she's a girl to her and although she allows her to dress and play like a boy she's kept her hair waist length and has said she's not allowed to cut it until she's 16. She says as soon as she's sixteen shel shave it off. Its now got to the stage where she's so deeply unhappy being identified as a girl that she won't talk to adults etc. We reckon this could also be because she doesn't like her girly voice and feels when she does talk it reveals she's really a girl. She has had no problem at school and has been accepted by and plays with all the boys. She gets changed in a different room to the boys and girls for gym.

Second is a boy who is now living completely as a girl. He is p4 here in Scotland and so is about nine. His parents have filly supported him. Last easter before school broke for term the school informed the children that when he came back after the holidays he would be a girl and his new name would be 'girls name'. They explained to the children that inside his body was different as a boy to a girls and he would start taking tablets eventually that would stop changes happening within his body that would turn him into a man and once he was grown up he would have an operation so his genitals would be that of a ladies. The kids have all accepted it and haven't questioned it as far as iv heard from my daughters. The school have also provided her her own changing room because one grandparent kicked off that she wasnt happy at her granddaughter getting changed in front of 'him'. He was always very effeminate. The school have been fantastic and very supportive although it's a learning process for them.

Age four IS still very young though. My mum says my brother wanted to dress in girls clothes and played with all my toys between the ages of four and nine. Hes very much a boy now.

It's definitely a difficult situation. None of us know what you are going through so I'd defo continue to seek support fron those more in the know.

You wished for a daughter, and wow look! You got one. How nice.

I was a boy for a few years. Cut all my hair off. Demanded to be called a boy's name.

One of the very few non abusive things my mother did was not to particularly pander to it. Despite the fact that she had always been desperate for a boy.

Stop what you're doing. Let your son find his own way.

Hi OP

Stick to the truth with your child and they will end up happy and healthy.

Tell them:
-their body is perfect and healthy and not wrong in any way, and they should embrace and love it for all the wonderful things it can do.
-that there are two types of bodies, but a billion types of minds
-that girls' bodies have vaginas and boys' bodies have penises, and both are great
-that girls grow up to be women and boys grow up to be men
-that babies are made in the bodies of women
-that girls and boys do not have two different types of brains. There is no such thing as a girl brain and a boy brain
-that girls and boys are equals
-that all girls are not the same
-that all boys are not the same
-that there is no such thing as girls' toys and boys' toys
-that there is no such thing as girls' games and boy's games
-that there is no such thing as girls' hairstyles and boys' hairstyles
-that clothes are just bits of fabric we cover ourselves in and wearing bits of fabric doesn't change who we are
-that they can have whatever personality, likes, preferences they want and it is part of what makes them unique and special and has nothing to do with being a boy or a girl

Tell them the truth.

OP, this is mad. From your posts it sounds as if your own desire for a daughter, and some very stereotypical ideas about boys' and girls' behaviour, is contributing to your deeply unwise decision to give a trans label, suitable for a much older child, to what is possibly some very ordinary three-year-old behaviour.

Three year olds are getting all kinds of messages from the world about gendered behaviour and what it means to be a boy or a girl in terms of toys, dress, behaviour that is treated different depending on which sex is engaging in it ('Boys don't cry', 'girls are no good at x' and the like). Especially if they have grown up in a fairly ungendered household, or somewhere dominated by a single sex, like your child, they feel suddenly catapulted into a world where they are different rules for girls and boys that they're trying to figure out.

I have a three-year-old, and he's very obviously absorbing this kind of thing, especially since he's started nursery, and is experimenting with gender norms, like many other kids I know of around his age - he runs around in a tutu, wanted a Barbie for Christmas, is obsessed with Frozen, is begging for a handbag like his friend Freya, and sometimes says he's a girl like his imaginary friend Crispy, and wants to be called by a girl's name. However, he also insists at other points on being called Buzz Lightyear, and has an involved imaginative game about Weeland and Pooland, which are down the loo and featuring talking poo.

Maybe he'll be trans. Maybe your child will. But three is far too young to label in that way, and it is potentially hugely damaging and limiting.

Let him wear girl's clothes, let him call himself by a girl's name - use it too if you want, but for gods sake don't tell him he's a girl, and talk about 'her'. He's not a girl and I can't imagine how he will cope with it if you go down this track. He might grow our of it, he might not, but don't make that decision for him now.

I thought children of your child's age developmentally speaking only just about grasped the idea that boys and girls are different?

Fantastic post HairyLittleCarrot.

Hairy I love your post. So true. Well said.

Perhaps this child is intersex?

Jux - intersex is a term to cover chromosomal abnormalities which mean people aren't distinctly XX or XY. Some conditions present with ambiguous genitalia, others have very little impact on appearance. It is a different thing to be trans as an adult, where people have no chromosomal condition, but wish to "live as the opposite sex"

I don't think there's anything to suggest that OP's son isn't a normally developing and healthy boy.

My sister told my mum she was a boy for a good few years. Looking at photos she looks like my brother's twin from aged 3 to 9,she had the same haircut, clothes, toys and used a boy's name. At 9 she decided she wasn't a boy, grew her hair used her own name and her boy phase was forgotten apart from the photos. As far as I'm aware my Mum would have said nothing at school and would never have referred to dsis as anything but her chosen name.
Aren't you worried your son might do similar because I'm pretty sure it's not that uncommon?You could be putting your son on a path he can't get off if he wanted to.

I think that's the scary thing.

It seems to me the OP is worrying massively: "What if my child is trans and I haven't paid proper attention to this key fact about them that they've been trying to tell me? Let's forestall all that now and go ALL OUT and just make them a girl in everyone's eyes."

And not worrying at all, apparently, about the possibility that in a few years time her child will go: "I've got a body like boys but I'm a girl and everyone calls me a girl's name and refers to me as she. What am I?" and gets really messed up forever more or at least for a significant while.

OP please stop looking at trans stuff online, it's crazy-making. Look at this site, read all the research, and don't get sucked in to the trans cult which is having such a devastating effect on young people - www.transgendertrend.com

good lord at 3 my DS could just about go on the toilet and use a fork and not cry over a broken biscuit,, your DS must be very mentally advanced to have already decided something that takes the majority of others half a lifetime to get their heads around. Perhaps mainstream school wont be able to provide what your DS is clearly ready for? maybe consider private home tutoring?

You tell a toddler he can't play with dolls. He knows dolls are 'for girls'. He then becomes a girl and can play with dolls

I think you need to drop the rigid gender conformity and tell the poor kid that there are a million ways to be a boy rather than telling him he is a 'different' type of girl.

It's just occurred to me how batshit it is that there can be such a diversity amongst girls that some of them can have a penis, but a boy isn't a boy if he plays with a doll.