Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

And how exactly is answering a question about how I moved out of the house me-versus-him? Actually please dont' answer that, if you reckon you would be behaving like the bloody Madonna in my situation then maybe you could stop criticising me and go and say a few prayers for me instead.

Y dittany- going on Oct 5th. Reassuringly when I phoned for the appointment they had lost my file...

I'm not sure you could call it bullying exactly, he wasnt' like that before my affair which had the lasting effect of making him hate me, of course.

He was always very control-freaky and could never see that what was right for him wasnt' necessarily right for other people. Etc.

Interestingly he has just rung up, I am in floods of tears pretty much all the time today, and he sounded really shocked and just said 'I'm going to go now I don't know what to say'....

This is starting to make sense.

Your ex is a lawyer and cynically knows how to play the game, namely that he needs to go through the motions of mediation to show that he's reasonable; to show he is primary carer, he refuses to move out, but makes the environment so incredibly toxic that of course you have to leave. He never had any intention of coming to an agreement.

If it was me, I would not work until the residence order was decided.

There is something that is rocking your confidence. I have no idea what it is, but you have such maternal love for these children. Think King Solomon and what the real mother did.

So you already do 50:50 and you already work in midlands? Why not continue as you are??

I think you need to allow your ex to heal, after all, if he had had an affair we'd all be shouting for his bollocks on plate. I wouldn't uproot the children. I moved out of the family home with the children two years after my ex moved out. They still say today, that is why we moved and blame the break up of the marriage on losing their family home. It affected them deeply. We tried to minimise it by him coming by for tea every day for 6 months, then gradually got it down to weekends and one midweek. They never saw us cross with each other, but still are affected by us divorcing and the changes will all had to make

The children don't need to be travelling up and down each weekend, it will eat up into his and your time. It will be impossible to promise every weekend as your children will have activities at the weekends

I really think this is the worst thing you could do imo

I feel desperately sorry for you agingoth but I agree with Ilovemydog...and think you're being played.

If it comes to your dcs or your career which would it be? I would stop working, move closer and apply for 50/50 during the week and every other weekend.

If he got the house what did you get btw?

See a solicitor and get 50/50 nailed down.

dittany - I don't know what evidence you use to support the assertation that mum should try and re-assert her position as the primary carer.

In this situation the parenting is shared care. Mum has left the family home, whether she felt she left for "guilt" (she decided to have an affair after all) or whatever reason we can only guess.

The reality is that the situation on the ground, the status quo is of shared care. If one parent decideds to move away they have to convince the authorities that it would be in the child's best interests for this to change.

As far as can be seen - if this went to Court- is that the children are thriving within the current parenting arrangement. The children are in the family home and thriving within the existing family structure.

If you decide to try and argue otherwise I don't think that you will be successful. You will not the successful in arguing for the children to be moved miles away and for dad to be removed as the primary carer. He will quite rightly argue that the existing status quo should remain as per the welfare checklist of the children act. Mum would have to provide reasons why it would be in the child's best interests for them to be moved hundreds of miles away, away from the existing family structure, from their existing school, paternal family, network of friends etc.

I think you really should concentrate on finding work closer to home. Your move away is unrealistic with a low chance of success.

Stay nearer to home - it will be much better for the kids in the long run.

Dittany, I think you're confusing Families Need Fathers and Fathers 4 Justice. The former tries to promote father's involvement in childcare, the latter are generally twats.

There's no evidence whatsoever that agingoths husband 'pushed' her out of the house on purpose solely so he would have an advantage in a court case. Amazingly, not every father is a chilling psychopath, but I think some people see controlling abusive behaviour everywhere they look.

What, in this case, would a 'caring' father have done? Said, oh right, you've had an affair, OK, here are the deeds to the house, do move the kids away from everything they've ever known, I'll see them the odd weekend, then. Or maybe, as the nanny is such an issue, he should give up his job to be a house husband and ask agingoth for maintenance.

This is so much more complicated than simple stand up for your rights and your children as a woman. Agingoth's situation is really complex and there are many difficult factors. Mediation is definitely a way forward, and much better for someone who suffers from depression and exhaustion than a protracted court case.

Or does it not matter about the individuals involved so long as 'woman' beats 'man'?

I'd have been quite delighted to have a house husband tbh mmred, that's the sad truth (his marriage to his job was one of the many reasons our marriage fell apart).

He didn't push me out of the house no, but he can be pretty Stalinesque. He had said the only chance of us ever reconciling was for me to do that and I felt after what I'd done I owed him a chance for some space; plus the atmosphere was so vile I could hardly breathe.

I think at bottom he just doesn't actually like me anymore. What I don't get though is why he can't see what an advantage it is for me to keep my job, because I really can't see many other options for me in the SE, unless the perfect lecturer post comes up by magic, than being an SAHM and doing the odd bit of research when I can fit it in. (If you think I'm being defeatist ask another academic about the job market these days). I am very scared of my financial future in that scenario and will be looking to see what my solicitor can advise me.

As to why I can't just carry on as I am, does the mixture of chronic fatigue, depression and a 3 hour commute plus a complicated double life with two (small) flats etc to maintain plus not being able to commit properly to either part of your life because you don't know if you're coming or going count? It just does not strike me as sustainable, and it is very, very expensive.

If yerblurt is anywhere near right (and not sure if s/he is the one being fingered as having a father's-rights type agenda?)I need to get used to the idea that I am either going to have to give up work and hope that something else comes up as my skills etc ebb away, or have a career but be an every-other weekend and holiday mum. My job really does mean a lot to me, I'm devastated that it has come to this sort of choice.

"I think there are quite a few Families need Fathers types on these threads. You should take care aginggoth. They are generally only interested in father's rights and will try and talk you down, undermine you and generally try and make you feel like shit."

Where as other people give unbiased views without any agenda at all.

A big irony in all this is that I lecture in family law this semester ;) there has got to be an article or two in this (anonymously cited of course)

Agree with Dittany. So, she had an affair. How does this reflect her being anything less than the primary carer and good for her children?

The OP says that before the split, her ex had agreed to them moving, or at least making the move for her career as easy as possible.

This woman has bent over backwards to do what she thinks is in the best interests of her children.

Seriously, is he??? I did wonder at that 'replacing dad as the primary carer' thing ye said, when the one thing I can truthfully claim is he's not. The primary carer role is basically me plus nanny, he is around before 8 am and after 7 half the week plus Saturdays at 5 when he drops them off at mine. I do Mondays all day too.

Also, any reason why he should not agree with me in the interests of amicability etc to move at least a BIT nearer to my work? st Albans, N London, Barnet fgs? It would help. If we moved simultaneously we could help the children through the disruptions etc.

gosh, scary that these people dispense 'advice' without revealing their agendas....

Dittany, not everyone on this thread has an agenda.

But what I honestly don't understand is why some women are so hard on other women. I truly do not understand.

Yes agingoth some people have agendas

If she moves, the children will need a child care of some sort, as the youngest is not of school age, so the nanny/mother thing isn't relevant

I do think families need fathers, they need mothers too and in a marriage/relationship break down, the most important people are the children NOT the parents

To uproot the children, change home, change school, remove father from regular contact, remove nanny is not in the best interests of the children. All their stability will be gone. Fair enough, do it over a number of years, one at a time, but all at once will devastate these children

No, there is no reason why he shouldn't meet you half way. This is logical and would be the right decision on so many levels. But as you know, no judge would order this. It could have been an agreement in mediation where there is more scope and non linear thinking. However, the assumption is that both are willing, and I kind of get the idea he isn't playing ball.