Ex's new partner has Social Services involvement, false domestic abuse claims, and active safeguarding issues. Can we stop our kids being around her? (England)

[rose9826]

I (28) live in England and need advice regarding child contact and safeguarding. I have two children (ages 3 and 6) with my ex "John" (35).

We split 1.5 years ago on fine terms.

John also has two older children (10 & 12) with his ex "K" (30). K and I are on good terms.

John, K and I have no prior history with police or Social Services.

John has been with his new partner "Jane" (23) for a year. Jane has a 2-year-old child. Over the past year, several major safeguarding and behavioral issues have emerged regarding Jane:

-Jane lives in a Mother & Baby Unit and has active SS involvement due to safeguarding issues. SS banned John from being around Jane’s child after learning he smokes weed (on his balcony). John and Jane repeatedly breached this restriction. Recently, they were caught, SS briefly removed Jane's child and placed him in the father's care, but returned him. John openly admits he ignores SS rules because he doesn't agree with them.

-Jane messaged me telling me to "do one" for co-parenting with John. She also wanted John to stay on the phone the entire time he was providing childcare at K’s house, and expressed that she wants him to financially/emotionally support her son and have her son call him "dad."

-During an argument where John tried to leave her flat and had to physically move past her, Jane called the police claiming domestic violence. John was arrested, but police took No Further Action. John has no prior history of ever being violent toward me, K, or anyone else. Out of malice, Jane then reported John and K to SS for child neglect (NFA’d after investigation). Jane later admitted in a call to SS that she lied.

Despite all this, John rekindled the relationship.

Current Situation:

John previously had a 1-bed flat where the kids stayed overnight 3 weekends a month, but he gave it up. He now only sees his children for a couple of hours each week, either on a weekend or after work in the week. He has now pretty much confirmed he will be moving in with Jane.

Both K and I are extremely uncomfortable with our children being around Jane due to her volatile behavior, false allegations, and disregard for SS rules. John says he will seek legal advice about Jane being around the children, claiming "she apologised, everyone makes mistakes."

Questions:

What options do K and I have to legally stop John from bringing our children around Jane or into her home?

If John takes us to court for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO), how will a court/Cafcass or Social Services view Jane’s ongoing SS involvement, her history of false reports, and their intentional breaches of SS rules?

How likely is a court to rule that our children can or cannot be around Jane given this background?

What immediate steps should K and I take to protect our legal standing while still offering safe contact between John and his children?

We want our children to see their dad regularly, he has always been a good, present dad before Jane came into his life.

I’d be mortified to have chosen a druggie waster as your children’s father. Why are you surprised at this latest development? It just a continuation.

To me it seems odd that John does not have a place to live. Why is that? A man with four children should be earning a stable wage so he can support them, and providing a stable and safe place (his own home) where he can see them. This should be his absolute priority over any new partner.

Have you told him how much the boys want to see him? Does he not understand that he needs a home that he can parent in?

If contact is court ordered, you cannot simply stop it as some are suggesting. You can get into trouble for this. If it is court ordered, go back to court.

That's what we have been doing for the past few months since he moved out of his flat. I'm just concerned for the future when he eventually moves in with Jane.

I was with him for 6 years, and he never displayed this behaviour the whole time I have known him.

Yes me too, I told him he was making a mistake giving up his flat but at the end of the day it is for financial ease as he couldn't afford to live there. He earns about £1600 a month give or take, and his place was £1100. Not my problem, I've told him before I know many single fathers who have their own place and don't struggle like you do, why can't you get it together. If he moves in with Jane, he will have to hardly contribute anything as he obviously would not be on the uc claim.
Yes he knows how much his boys want to see him, I tell him they are constantly asking when daddy is getting a new place because they enjoyed their weekends with their dad, he doesn't seem to be bothered about this and thinks it's fine that he sees them a few hours a week.

Theres a big difference between a mother and baby unit and supported accommodation.

There’s one in my town for young mothers aged 16-25 who are at risk of homelessness. They offer support with financials, parenting courses and domestic abuse programmes etc.

There is and never has been court orders or any officials involved in mine and K's co parenting relationship with John.

John is the problem, (obviously Jane too but that’s irrelevant really) and also you are the problem if you don’t see that John is not a good person or fit to be father. All of his choices are beyond questionable

I
Honestly I suspect the contact will drop even more and it won't be an issue, apart from supporting your children who still want to see their daddy.

Not your problem, but he will have to be on her UC claim if he lives with her. He is expected to help support her and any children,

Right, weirdos. Its not this woman's fault that her ex smokes weed. Many, many women have loser exes.

A 35 year old man choosing to be with a 23 year old who lives in a mother and baby unit, putting her before his own children from his previously relationships is utterly bonkers.
He disregards what social services, putting ‘Jane’s’ child at risk of being removed from her care.
You’ve focused on her and her behaviour, you should be appalled at his behaviour, I wouldn’t worry about her influence around them, it sounds like she’ll hardly ever see them.

Continue with the same and don't allow overnights in her flat if she gets one. I can't tell you what to do but it feels like the only safe option for your children

Conspicuously, this sperm donor hasn't said to any of the women he has impregnated "here, have some money for our kids' upkeep". The woman has had to chase him for it or he just doesn't pay it. Yet you aren't seeing this failing as being his.

So let me get this timeline straight.

This is the history of this seemingly previously 'good' dad, who has paid a pittance to the two mothers of his four children...

I'm deducting a year in age for each pregnancy btw as statistically most likely.

John (age approx 22) gets K pregnant at approx 17 and then 19 and at some stage they split.

John (age approx 28) gets the OP pregnant at approx 21 & 24. You split when the second baby is 1.5

6m later 34 year old John is dating a very vulnerable 23yo mum in supported housing, where he further jeopardises her keeping her baby by repeatedly breaking SS rules and taking drugs at her flat. Then there is the ambiguous DV referral etc.

And you are mad at Jane?

How low are your standards for men? John is the issue here. Jane would certainly be better off without him, but he sounds like a total deadbeat dad.

Thank you

A deadbeat predator who selects a not-even-adult woman, then the OP who has internalised a lot of misogyny based on the way she blames Jane for John's shortcomings (see Rule One), and finally a woman a decade younger in supported housing.

Men like this prey on young women, vulnerable women, and pickmeishas with low standards.

OP, you claim that we are "attacking" you. We are trying to shake some sense into you.

this rings alarm bells. You have a vulnerable young woman who was previously looked after, she had a child almost straight after leaving care, she’s now in a mother baby unit after getting into a relationship with a man 12 years her senior who decided he didn’t care about her and her child because he didn’t agree with social services conditions. He screams predator. Op you don’t see it because you thought you had a perfectly normal relationship with the man.

A decent man would walk away, let the young woman get the help she needs, he’d put her and her child first. He’d also be putting his own children first and doing what’s best for them including financial support.

Agree with PP Johnny boy is the problem here. Jane is incredibly vulnerable and he's latching right on to her and putting his relationship before his children.
Sadly some men do this!

2/3 hrs a week is shit, yes it's hard but I'd continue with visits at yours or K home for the foreseeable (long) future

I have a useless ex I moved 2 months ago almost, best decision I made he's not fussed that we are 100 miles away, said it's too far for him to travel and he will see DD when we return to London to visit family once a month

It's tough but protect your babies and a child maintenance claim in, get that sealed before baby no 5 arrives before the end of 2027!