Concerned about ex H arranging contraception appointment for our vulnerable (just) 15-year-old daughter.

[IhateSPSS]

For context, my daughter has been struggling with her mental health for the last couple of months. It's really escalated in the last couple of weeks. She's been self harming, and she's been referred to the Mental Health Support Team at school and on the waiting list for counselling (12 months wait) I have just been dosing her in love as an approach but have felt confused about where this escalation has come from.

There was an incident last night where she got upset so I sat her down and had a decent, open talk. Turns out her dad spoke to her a few weeks ago and said 'I think it's looking like you are reaching the point with X (her boyfriend) where it's looking likely you are going to have sex so I think you should go on the pill. I'll make you a doctor's appointment'. This doctors appointment is on Tuesday and he's going to ask for her to go on the pill for her painful periods, but she says it's so she's on contraception. I have had endo & a hysterectomy for gynae issues, and said I think I should take her with my experience and he has refused. She only turned 15 a week ago and her boyfriend is 14. I don't think they are ready and told her this and I think she needs to be stronger emotionally for a huge life event. She said it's not my choice and has the green light from her dad to go ahead.

I emailed him voicing my concerns (we split up in 2015, he was physically, sexually and financially abusive, came out as high risk at MARAC, we only have email contact for my safety) - he replied saying he 'wanted to fully understand where they were up to in terms of sleeping together. I suggested that going on the pill might be an option and basically you don't wait until you've had sex before you start...things start to happen at their age.'

I can't tell you why but something feels off in my gut. Ex was very coercively controlling of me and the DC and I feel like he's managing DD's entry into sexual activity and I think it's weird. I'm a realist and I know teenagers do this but less than three weeks ago she was saying she wasn't ready...now she's seeing a health professional about contraception. It feels a vital step is missing in that she hasn't considered if she's emotionally ready and also whether it's a good idea to 1. Become sexually active with serious emotional difficulties going on 2. Start to mess with your hormones on top of this.

Ex is ignoring me now. I'm planning on contacting the GP tomorrow but know they can't break patient confidentiality and don't need parental permission to issue contraception. I know some of you will say he's being responsible etc but he didn't do this with our oldest child (DS), he's going to lie to the GP about the period issue and he's displaying alienating behaviours by not involving me on something so important. But most of all I'm worried about the impact this is having on DD, she seems confused, her dignity & private life is being 'managed' and her distress seems to have escalated since that conversation. Anyone got any advice or similar experience?

Ultimately it's up to your DD.
I don't see anything wrong with being on contraception in case they decide to take things further
That's going to be a lot better for her mental health than an unwanted baby

Raise a Safeguarding concern. And alert the Dr that you are doing so. This is a massive red flag.

Okay, that's fair. I can understand that being on contraception is sensible. But it's his behaviour around it - refusing to allow me to take her and keeping me in the dark about stuff that I actually have an issue with. I wouldn't even know about the GP appointment except they texted me as she's registered at my address and telephone number at the GP's.

This is the issue, it feels like a massive red flag but I don't know how to word it. I also wanted to be careful that I wasn't projecting or getting my own problems with him mixed up with my concerns for DD.

Sorry this is nothing to do with the thread but I've just noticed your user name and wanted to show some solidarity because I also hate SPSS.

If he's getting involved with her sex life to the point he is actually going to ask a GP to prescribe medication, and lie about the reason, this is a red flag for sexual abuse.
I know this is difficult to consider but this should raise concerns for the GP as well. If you flag it with them, then they should take it seriously.

The boyfriends 14??? Errr no. It’s not lawful
so that’s the tack I would take if she needed an outer or a “ rule” to follow. I would also find it weird for a dad to take a daughter for this type of appointment and I would be surprised if the doctor would want him in the room for the consultation. It’s very telling that he’s fed her a story to tell the doctor. Why has he done that do you think ? Why does he not want her to have an honest conversation with the Doctor.

If he was sexually abusive to you and all this was recorded with the authorities I’d find that even more concerning.

Sorry, you don’t think she’s ready to go on the pill or you don’t think she’s ready to have sex?

the doctor will speak to her most likely on her own and do their own assessment of her competency.

does she have painful periods?

in all fairness the advice to most parents if their child is likely to have sex is to sort out protection as a pregnancy is not usually a wanted outcome.

I wonder if her bfs dps are on board with him encouraging under age sex ?

I’m sorry to say this but are you sure Hess not abusing her or gearing up to begin?

I think this is really weird uncomfortable behaviour from him. I don’t have any advice (I will think about it) but I just wanted to back you up and say it’s weird.

its fine for dads to be period aware (great even!), help or be supportive but if you have a mum the first person to deal with this out of mum or dad is mum as she also has a female anatomy and first hand experience!

This rings alarm bells.
Does your DD want to spend time with her dad? Does she know that she can say no to spending time with him and that you will support her with that? If not, you need to have that conversation with her.

I would be concerned that her behaviour has changed recently and her mental health is impacted. This is a red flag for abuse. And now the contraception. I really hope it is a simple thing and dad is just being sensible. But with the other context you mention I would raise a concern with GP and suggest they speak to her alone?

I also thought of sexual abuse. Sorry OP

This rings massive alarm bells for me too. Especially with her decline in mental health..

I hope there isn't a more sinister reason he doesn't want her to get pregnant

Of what?

Given your DD's history OP, I would be contacting Social Services over this. Something doesn't sit right about it.

Look, I understand 15 year olds have sex and go on the pill. Do I think DD is ready? No, because she's been 15 a week, is vulnerable and her bf isn't even 15 yet. But like I said I'm a realist, I don't agree it's best for her welfare but if she is going to have sex then yes going on contraceptives is sensible.

My issue is it feels like her Dad is inducing her into becoming sexually active. He wants on her the pill. I'm questioning why all of a sudden thre was a covered up rush to book her into the GP after 1 day off school after a bad period. And why is he cutting me out of this given I too had terrible periods and linking the pill to sex? It's ringing alarms bells all over the place.

The big red flags are:

• He's normalising, if not encouraging, his DD having sex underage with an even younger boy. Why? Most parents are trying to get their 14yo and 15yo kids not to have sex.
• He intends to lie to the GP about the reason for the Pill.
• He's steamrollering her into this, to the point that she's voiced concerns about it to you.
• He has no consideration for protecting her from STIs with this course of action. The ideal contraceptive for new or short relationships, especially in young people, is condoms for the STI protection. However, condoms require the cooperation of the man or boy. Her bf, surely, would cooperate willingly. A molester, not so much, because it will be difficult to put a condom on whilst holding his victim down.
• He has form for SA.

It's pointing towards "make my daughter fuckable at any time by anyone, including me and my mates, without the obvious consequence of pregnancy arising".

Who does your daughter mainly live with? You or your ex?

My first thought is that he was sexually abusive to you and is now pushing his DD to have contraception. That may be unfair of me. Even if there is no sinister intent, he should not be legitimising sex between your DD and a 14 year old boy.

I would have an honest talk with your daughter and tell her it's okay to wait if she's not ready, that only because she's on the pill it doesn't mean she needs to start having sex and it's entirely up to her.

If she's in a vulnerable mental state she might be even more prone to start being sexually active to seek more closeness to her boyfriend. It might make her more impulsive as well. I'm not sure if stopping her from going on the pill will solve this issue.

I was on the pill from the age of 15 and it didn't mess my hormones or make me infertile. It's not a bad thing. Just think what it would do to her mental state if she got pregnant at this age and needed an abortion. Honestly the pill is not the worst idea

It's not the Pill that's actually the problem here, it's the father's behaviour.

She lives with me 5 days and is with him Sunday & Monday nights.

She hasn't shown any inkling of not wanting to go there, no. DS (18) doesn't go there at all anymore.

Also - it's very uncomfortable to me that her and her bf having sex is being dissected and analysed. Like it's a project to be planned for.
My strategy was to guide her that it's not appropriate at their age and to wait until she's ready, then come to me if she wanted to discuss contraception. I didn't get into timing details, planning stuff because that's seems to cross boundaries.

Obviously I don't want to think it's anything sinister at all, I suspect it's a weird approach to control from him but how do I know? I haven't spoken or seen this man in 5 plus years and he was abhorrent to and about women, including me. Someone else, professionally needs to risk assess this don't they, because I can't.