Concerned about ex H arranging contraception appointment for our vulnerable (just) 15-year-old daughter.

[IhateSPSS]

For context, my daughter has been struggling with her mental health for the last couple of months. It's really escalated in the last couple of weeks. She's been self harming, and she's been referred to the Mental Health Support Team at school and on the waiting list for counselling (12 months wait) I have just been dosing her in love as an approach but have felt confused about where this escalation has come from.

There was an incident last night where she got upset so I sat her down and had a decent, open talk. Turns out her dad spoke to her a few weeks ago and said 'I think it's looking like you are reaching the point with X (her boyfriend) where it's looking likely you are going to have sex so I think you should go on the pill. I'll make you a doctor's appointment'. This doctors appointment is on Tuesday and he's going to ask for her to go on the pill for her painful periods, but she says it's so she's on contraception. I have had endo & a hysterectomy for gynae issues, and said I think I should take her with my experience and he has refused. She only turned 15 a week ago and her boyfriend is 14. I don't think they are ready and told her this and I think she needs to be stronger emotionally for a huge life event. She said it's not my choice and has the green light from her dad to go ahead.

I emailed him voicing my concerns (we split up in 2015, he was physically, sexually and financially abusive, came out as high risk at MARAC, we only have email contact for my safety) - he replied saying he 'wanted to fully understand where they were up to in terms of sleeping together. I suggested that going on the pill might be an option and basically you don't wait until you've had sex before you start...things start to happen at their age.'

I can't tell you why but something feels off in my gut. Ex was very coercively controlling of me and the DC and I feel like he's managing DD's entry into sexual activity and I think it's weird. I'm a realist and I know teenagers do this but less than three weeks ago she was saying she wasn't ready...now she's seeing a health professional about contraception. It feels a vital step is missing in that she hasn't considered if she's emotionally ready and also whether it's a good idea to 1. Become sexually active with serious emotional difficulties going on 2. Start to mess with your hormones on top of this.

Ex is ignoring me now. I'm planning on contacting the GP tomorrow but know they can't break patient confidentiality and don't need parental permission to issue contraception. I know some of you will say he's being responsible etc but he didn't do this with our oldest child (DS), he's going to lie to the GP about the period issue and he's displaying alienating behaviours by not involving me on something so important. But most of all I'm worried about the impact this is having on DD, she seems confused, her dignity & private life is being 'managed' and her distress seems to have escalated since that conversation. Anyone got any advice or similar experience?

You clearly don’t understand how abuse dynamics work, yet you speak with an unwarranted confidence as though you’re an authority on the subject
Funny how you assume I don't! As it happens, it is exactly what I do working for the courts...but you guys know better. This is posted under legal, and legally, OP has no chance to take this forward from what she has written in her posts here.

An aside, but my experience of people working in the courts (lawyers,.cafcass,.judges) are sometimes woefully ignorant about abuse dynamics/how victims of abuse might present /how abusers might present.

Having supported victims of abuse (where cafcass, for example, thought dad was a.lovely man with a "different parenting style" for far too many years).... Everything about what op has posted raises concerns about the dad for me.

Yes, given pp's comment about the poor fathers who have to deal with 'misogynist' ex wives, and how luckily the courts are in the fathers' favour, doesn't fill me with confidence.

Are you the dad ?
I can't imagine anyone else reading this set of facts and not seeing red flags waving madly

Exactly what do you do working for the courts?

If you are a solicitor/barrister for example why would you feel you have any understanding of abuse dynamics? The courts often demonstrate a significant deficit of knowledge on abuse dynamics, particularly family courts in case you are not watching the ongoing discussions in the House of Commons on this specific issue.

I understand that, but if there is a concern she’s being abused, coerced then the Op should at lease try stopping her going. For all we know she’s only going because she’s terrified of what he would do if she said she didn’t want to go.

Actually the courts can prevent access. If a concern is raised and found to be justified the ex could well be refused access.

Not for a 15 year old. Can't happen.

There's no strong evidence that OP's ex is abusing their daughter in some way, no. But there are multiple red flags, and neither the fact that the ex seemed safe in the past, or that the OP's daughter is choosing to go and stay with him, mean that he's not being abusive to her now
What you are failing to understand, as others do, is that the ones is on OP to evidence abuse or take steps for it to be investigated. Without it, it is nothing but her words. She can speak to the GP with her concerns, but the GP will consider what her daughter wants, not her mum. At 15, she can decide for herself whether that's something she wants to do or not and what she choose will be completely confidential unless the GP seems she is not fit to najer her own decisions, which at 15 is very unlikely.

It's not about what her mother or her father wants but about what she wants. Her father will only be taking her to the GP practice.

Don’t be so ridiculous

Quite frankly, any teenage girl should be on the pill as they're not known for their sensibility

The Pill quadruples a woman or girl's risk of having a stroke. There are several medical conditions, including migraine with aura and clotting disorders, that contraindicate the Pill. Clotting disorders often go undetected for decades. I have a relative who has been hospitalised because of a previously-undetected clotting disorder being triggered by the Pill. The clot was in her lung.

The Pill also provides no protection against STIs. If you care about teen girls, make latex-free condoms readily available.

Blanket medicating an entire class of people with a medication that has so many risks associated with it, just because a few members of that class are daft, is a stupid idea.

It honestly sounds to me as if your EX just thinks that if a teenager has a boyfriend/girlfriend the two WILL have sex...! I'm not really sure how you can stop him though because it's perfectly legal for a 15 year olds dad to get her on the pill if he thinks she needs to be.

At 15, the GP should prioritise what the girl wants over what her dad wants. Frazer guidelines and all that...

The GP needs to know that the period pain is a lie.

It's not a lie. She does have bad periods.

Totally agree. My friend chose to stay with her Dad, the rapist. He had manipulated her to that degree.

Combined with the timing of the MH issues I would be very concerned about the father's motives and behaviour. I suggest telling her it would be okay not to stay (no legal or court issues) at her father's any more and asking her if she would like a break from him. Her reaction may tell you a lot. Or go further and tell her she is not going to her father's and you will deal with any fall out.

This was my first thought.

If not though, it could be that after one heavy period he consulted ChatGPT / google and now sees himself as some kind of glorified doctor because he read on webMD the answer to his daughters problem, crowning him man of the year.

Exactly.

There is no absolute evidence he is doing anything to his daughter but from having a husband whose father was extremely abusive towards his mother, that in itself is extremely damaging to the children.

This is the ongoing debate in the House of Commons about how courts are currently damaging children with their lack of understanding of abuse dynamics and their insistence that highly abusive men are given access to their children against the children’s best interests.

Parliament is advancing the Courts and Tribunals Bill, which features "Jack and Paul's Law" (Clause 17) to repeal the legal presumption of parental involvement in child arrangement orders. This historic shift prioritizes child safety over the assumption that contact with both parents is universally beneficial.