Concerned about ex H arranging contraception appointment for our vulnerable (just) 15-year-old daughter.

[IhateSPSS]

For context, my daughter has been struggling with her mental health for the last couple of months. It's really escalated in the last couple of weeks. She's been self harming, and she's been referred to the Mental Health Support Team at school and on the waiting list for counselling (12 months wait) I have just been dosing her in love as an approach but have felt confused about where this escalation has come from.

There was an incident last night where she got upset so I sat her down and had a decent, open talk. Turns out her dad spoke to her a few weeks ago and said 'I think it's looking like you are reaching the point with X (her boyfriend) where it's looking likely you are going to have sex so I think you should go on the pill. I'll make you a doctor's appointment'. This doctors appointment is on Tuesday and he's going to ask for her to go on the pill for her painful periods, but she says it's so she's on contraception. I have had endo & a hysterectomy for gynae issues, and said I think I should take her with my experience and he has refused. She only turned 15 a week ago and her boyfriend is 14. I don't think they are ready and told her this and I think she needs to be stronger emotionally for a huge life event. She said it's not my choice and has the green light from her dad to go ahead.

I emailed him voicing my concerns (we split up in 2015, he was physically, sexually and financially abusive, came out as high risk at MARAC, we only have email contact for my safety) - he replied saying he 'wanted to fully understand where they were up to in terms of sleeping together. I suggested that going on the pill might be an option and basically you don't wait until you've had sex before you start...things start to happen at their age.'

I can't tell you why but something feels off in my gut. Ex was very coercively controlling of me and the DC and I feel like he's managing DD's entry into sexual activity and I think it's weird. I'm a realist and I know teenagers do this but less than three weeks ago she was saying she wasn't ready...now she's seeing a health professional about contraception. It feels a vital step is missing in that she hasn't considered if she's emotionally ready and also whether it's a good idea to 1. Become sexually active with serious emotional difficulties going on 2. Start to mess with your hormones on top of this.

Ex is ignoring me now. I'm planning on contacting the GP tomorrow but know they can't break patient confidentiality and don't need parental permission to issue contraception. I know some of you will say he's being responsible etc but he didn't do this with our oldest child (DS), he's going to lie to the GP about the period issue and he's displaying alienating behaviours by not involving me on something so important. But most of all I'm worried about the impact this is having on DD, she seems confused, her dignity & private life is being 'managed' and her distress seems to have escalated since that conversation. Anyone got any advice or similar experience?

Thanks for all your posts. My thinking was all over the place but it's clearer now. I know what action I need to take and what the issue is.

There's some mixed messages from dd .
She was upset but then said it's not your choice when you told her you didn't think she was ready.
Does dd want to go to the gp appt and start contraception?

Someone should have risk assessed it when you first separated, although I'm guessing they probably did?
I don't know why family courts continue to allow abusive men to have their children alone overnight.

I asked DD to suggest to her Dad that I take her as I have experience with periods. She said he wants to take her.

Like I said I only know about this appt because it came through on my phone. It's all very confusing.

So I've emailed him asking for clarity on whether the pill is for contraception like he suggested or for periods. He's now ignoring my emails.

I'm another who is very suspicious of ExH's motives. I would even consider speaking to bf's parents about a joint approach but I definitely think you are right to be concerned about possible SA.

She said he wants to take her.

To police what she says to the GP, who is a mandatory reporter?

I see the concern about his behaviour given his history with you. But I actually think his approach (with significant concern over the encouraging her to lie to her GP) is more sensible than yours. If he’s been noticing their relationship heading towards sex, then getting contraception sorted out well before it gets there is important.

And given your reluctance I can see why DD and a decent concerned parent could think it’s inappropriate for you to insert yourself into things at this stage.

I would contact the GP to let them know your concerns but mainly concentrate on talking to DD about not rushing into anything, why it would be better to wait and not pushing her bf.

Raise a safeguarding concern with whom? Social services? I'm sorry but it's not a massive red flag. This wouldn't trigger any kind of intervention at all. On the face of it he's being a responsible parent.

And say what?

Why does the mum have to take her, just because she has periods and experience?
You are against it, you will try to stop it.
If she has a serious boyfriend at that age, it's very likely to happen... Dad is being responsible.
Unless you have any reason to think he has sinister motives?

I agree it is responsible to be getting contraception organised. A 15 year old girl with mental health issues is a teenage pregnancy risk.
I talked about contraception and sex quite freely with ds's at this age. I thought most parents did and I don't think i'm a massive red flag.
Of course, if op has reasons to believe that her dd's father poses a risk ( there may be other concerns not mentioned here) , she should act on that.

I would be concerned that her deteriorating mental health is because she is being sexually abused by her dad, who now wants her to go on the pill

A GP is likely to suggest other things before the pill for a 15 year old. So what’s he going to do when they say that?
This is so weird.

Does your daughter know it’s illegal to have sex at 15. Even though we know they wouldn’t do anything about a boy of the same age she may not. I’d warn her he could get into a lot of trouble.

Three weeks ago DD told me, unprompted, she wasn't ready to have sex, for a specific physiological reason which is private to her. It was my opinion then, as it is now, that I don't think she's emotionally ready as she is vulnerable. And her bf is 14 so I'm not going to go about encouraging it. But they have autonomy over making that decision, I get that.

Three weeks later her Dad's opinion is that she should go on the pill, has made a Dr's appointment under the guise of painful periods. DD is under the impression it is for contraception and seems to be going along with that. Ex now refuses to answer my email about it. DD going on the pill isn't the issue, it's the way ex is dealing with it that I have a problem with.

TBH at 15 she can go to the GP and get it without either parent and the GP won’t tell you. She has competence for her own health decisions at this age.

@IhateSPSS talk and take her to every appointment. Get involved.
Are you really letting someone else take care of her sexual health and education?
Do it as a parent ffs.
She's a child and this doesn't sit right at all.

Go straight to the practice manager OP, as it is highly likely they will be a cynical middle aged woman. Out ‘safeguarding lead’ GP means well but usually it takes the admin and receptionists to spell it out to him, or get the no-nonsense middle aged woman GP to handle it. I recall a very deeply involved dad insisting on accompanying his older teen daughter on these sorts of appointments. We made our feelings known and he was discreetly banned from the consulting room.

I promise you that there will be massive red flags being raised at this kind of thing but I still think you need to be contacting the surgery as a matter of urgency and voicing your concerns.

I suggest you also ask to speak to the school’s DSL (designated safeguarding lead) for advice - share exactly what you shared here with them. They would be very helpful in supporting you and your daughter and you should get a same day response from an expert given the potential red flags here.

I can’t believe that some posters are so casual with their children’s well being that they would allow a previously abusive ex partner take control of a child’s sexual health decisions. These men are groomers. He wants her to lie to the doctor about the true intent. He should be nowhere near this subject ( he probably should be nowhere near the daughter but I appreciate that’s beyond the OPs control )

I can definitely see red flags here.

One point that I don’t think has been raised yet is that the pill can negatively affect mental health. It made me suicidal. As soon as I came off it, it was like a dark cloud lifted and only then did I realise what was causing it. It doesn’t affect most people that way but it is another factor to be considered as she is already struggling with her MH.

Yes @eurochick . I was just about to echo what you said. Although I understand the importance of a teenager using a more permanent/reliable type of contraception. I'd be more concerned about the pill having further detrimental impact on daughters Mental Health.

What does DD want to do? If she doesn’t want to attend the appointment with her dad ring the GP, or support her to do so, to either cancel it or rearrange an appointment for her to go on her own.

First thing Monday morning I’d be calling the GP and telling them you have concerns DD is being forced into going on the pill by her father and that he going to be lying about the reasons why. I’d tell them about the self harming and MHT and also raise concerns about control and that there may be more going on here, abuse.

I agree with several posters - mental health issues. I had a very bad reaction when I originally went on the pill in my teens, I was like a demon processed, I had no control over my impulse or temper. As soon as I came off it I was human again.

If ex is so concerned about her being sexually safe he’d be encouraging condoms. As others have said, abusers don’t care about them.

Also at 15 she would be given the pill by her Dr if she said it was because she was planning on having sex, so why lie about the reason if this was genuinely the reason.

id also be calling the school voicing your concerns and police to look into potential abuse.

Could you pick your DD up from school and keep her home so she’s not at his house tomorrow night and also look at stopping her from going in future.

Commenting as my DD has just started the pill for endometriosis. Please be aware there are several types of “the pill” most are geared at contraception but others better for reducing pain and symptoms of endometriosis. What if she’s prescribed Visanne which is a progesterone only pill not a contraceptive but targeted specifically for treating endometriosis. It would be a terrible outcome to think she’s protected from pregnancy and wind up with an unplanned baby.

It’s very important she is clear on the reason for her wanting to go on the pill and it must be only because she wants to, not her Dad her BF or you. Encourage her to go to the appointment on her own so she can have an honest conversation with the GP.

@IhateSPSS get this sorted
If I knew your details I'd report your dp to safeguarding teams