My 2 year old daughter being relocated

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Im a dad of a 2 year old, and not really sure where to seek advice. Beginning of the year we relocated for my partners job- I found a new job here, and shortly after was asked to move out

for the past 4 months iv been living in a house share so our current arrangement has been
Week 1 - Monday Wednesday after my work I have my daughter at the mums house. Then Friday overnight until Sunday 3pm at the house ( during the warmer weeks I usually took her to the park or for a walk during the week) over the weekend i bring all food needed and extra for the week, I take her out every weekend and the mum is away

week 2- Tuesday Thursday after work Sunday 3pm- bedtime

so anyway I pay child maintenance i actually pay 16% of my wage slightly more than the minimum,
I do really well as a dad my daughter adores me, she loves spending time with me and when I’m there doesn’t want anyone else just her daddy.

im moving into my own place January 1st so the contact can shift I’ll probably not be able to have her over night on all my week nights as Im an engineer snd start work sometimes at 4am

my ex has now decided she wants to move to London which is depending where in London about 2 hours one way from where I live and around 2:30 from my work.

her reasons she gave me is there is more to do for my daughter like museums and parks- theres Facebook groups for like minded single mums- shes closer to her parents ( they live in France but it’s a direct flight rather than a 2 Hour drive and a direct flight hey )
she feels isolated where we live and thinks living in London would make her a better mum- she also says because I only pop in and are deluded thinking I do almost 50% ( because she picks her up some week nights from nursery and I arrive about an hour after that apparently I just pop round and am a dad when I want to be
iv never cancelled a visit I always come up with fun things to do, I have covered two extra weekends, 3 occasions where the child minder was sick I basically had my daughter then made up my work hours from 4:30pm till midnight

so I just don’t know where I stand with this like surely you cant just reduce my contact to what would essentially be every other weekend ? I do everything to see my daughter as much as possible often working from home when I can so that I can finish early during week and have her for longer. I don’t see her thinking moving would benefit her mental health as a reason.

and of course now shes started down the route that the relationship was abusive was litterally never mentioned until she was justifying the break up to other people. The alleged abuse is that iv called her an idiot in arguments before and apparently I pushed her 4 years ago.

she has regular phone conversations with a councillor, a psychologist and also a domestic abuse charity- who are going to set up a mediator apparently

I just don’t understand how someone can she claim that I just pop in I see my daughter as much as I reasonably can.

she also says that shes allowed me to use her house- and I take advantage because over the weekend I used a teabag and it was the last one and didn’t replace it- we were together for 4 years and she never once drank a cup of tea.
but anyway I originally said I’d collect my daughter from her house on my days and bring her back so that I didn’t need to use her house ( after the abuse claims began) and was met with message after message how this isn’t fair how it makes her house bound how she can’t go see friends or go drinking or go food shopping ( children are allowed in the supermarket )

so I agreed to have her at the house. I just don’t understand why these medical professionals shes talking to according to her agree with this nonsense. She believes me saying I don’t want her to move my daughter away and reduce my contact time is me controlling her. I don’t care what she does but she says being a mother doesn’t fulfill her that’s why she needs to move as there will be more for her to do ( she now tries to link it to my daughter but originally it was about her )

sorry if this seems a rant i absolutly love my daughter shes my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me and just feel like iv spent months jumping through hoops to maintain my contact with her for her mum to just move her away from me

on a final note she had no job lined up in London but is a teacher so a role that relocating is easier

Yeah. I'm sure the ex will be very happy to get scraps in child maintenance because the OP decides to give up his career and earning potential, just because some mumsnet posters decided she would rather he be able to do half the nursery drop offs instead 😂

Yes almost like it probably did actually happen isn’t it.

Well OP seems to be very keen to have the child full time so he can reduce his hours right down and live off all the many riches single mothers get handed to them, apparently. He’ll be so much better off!

Interesting that a teacher only works from 8.30-4pm

no homework marking, no prep for the next days lessons etc.
no after school meetings / no staff meetings / no parents evenings

That’s true. The OPs narrative seems to be unravelling.

A bit irresponsible to leave a 2 yr old for entire weekends totally unsupervised in this 'abusers' care?

That's going to be tricky to defend in court

Not really - perhaps she teaches reception or works in a private school or a whole host of other reasons

You’ve had a lot of good advice but have answered back snappily in every reply you’ve made on this thread. Maybe just take a minute away from the thread. Read and absorb the advice you’ve been given. A court ordered contact is your best bet but it may not mean they won’t be able to move.
I grew up living almost 2 hours away from my father. I saw him every other weekend and a proportion of the school holidays. It worked well for everyone, I didn’t miss out on any family life with either side, have a great relationship with my step siblings and I didn’t end up screwed up as someone up thread implied.

Its funny how all the MRA’s turn up at the same time on these threads.

He probably would be better off if the baby lived with him yeah. He has offered it. She understandably wants the baby living with her. He didnt push no further as he respects a mother wanting to live with her child. She has a full time wage, benefits on top, plus maintenance from the dad. Of course he is more skint than she is.

I really don't understand the pile on and half the responses here. He does do a lot more than most non resident parent where there is no 50/50 agreement in place. They have both seems to cooperate well in enabling access up to this point.

I doubt very much she would want a formal 50/50 agreement and loose her full maintenance and benefits help. I doubt very much she would want him to cut his hours to save her a few drop offs on the way to work each day either.

I doubt many single mothers would want to give up having their child 50% of the time if it wasn't enforced. I know i wouldn't have wanted it, and i wasn't getting any maintenance so it wasn't about that. I've seen it from mothers on here deciding whether to divorce or not as they don't want their child away from them for 50% of the time and they worry their partner would push for it.

The OP created his thread to say he is an active loving dad and is scared as his daughter is being relocated but he wants to stay in her life. Why the hell would someone take that as a reason to tear him a new one. Post after post twisting everything he says, it's relentless.

Ignore the people picking holes for the sake of it, it can really detract from the good advice.

I think the house arrangement is a massive problem, you going there all the time and being there weekends isn't giving you both the clean break you both need to properly co-parent effectively, she obviously feels like she is doing too much to accommodate/support your role as a parent and she's getting to the point where she has had enough.

I can understand why people think you are "babysitting" because that is what it seems like to the outside, you aren't providing anything for your daughter as such (except food you mentioned), you are just turning up, looking after her utilising everything your ex has in her house then leaving again, it's not your fault as everything there is what you built up together, but you can't compare that to having her independently yourself and providing everything she needs all by yourself, it's just not the same at all.

Once you have your house set up in January, let her get used to the new routine, and prioritise having a more stable independent parent relationship outside of needing your ex to facilitate it, you really need to look at your work, if you are working shifts then you need to manage when you can have her, and have her for more drop offs and pick ups as and when you can around your shift pattern.

When you end a relationship you can’t just carry on as if the relationship still existed. You now want to parent your daughter as a single dad 50% of the time (presumably?) - you need to find a job with hours that accommodate this. If you can’t do so then you don’t really get to call the shots about where your ex lives, as she is the primary carer and does everything - you essentially act as a glorified babysitter with none of the stress, risk or compromise of actual parenting. If you want to put your daughter first it means changing your life, including your job, so her needs can be met by you. This is what women have to do when a relationship ends.

If it's going to happen anyway it's far better for the child that it happens as early as possible. See a solicitor ASAP to find out your legal rights.

Disclaimer: I have no legal qualification and no legal knowledge other than personal experience of wanting to relocate and being unsuccessful.

My understanding is a court won’t let her relocate a significant distance if you want more custody than is achievable over that distance, particularly if you want 50/50, and you aren’t a convicted axe murderer.

If she applies to court to relocate and it gets fought out in court with solicitors and barristers it could easily cost you £10-20k each and drag on for 6-12 months of insane levels of stress.

In your shoes I would try mediation. She may, like I did, really not realise that mums can’t automatically keep the small child and take them nearer family- that’s what I’d always known to happen but these days it can only happen if the dad allows it. I think a good mediator should be able to explain that to her. But if you think she may just flit, then you need to get a prohibited steps order.

Being on the other side of one of these, it’s horrific being trapped somewhere you don’t want to be for such a long time, away from family. In mediation you might be more successful asking her to agree to stay for a set amount of time initially, say a year or two, and to then review together in mediation after that period, than asking her to commit to 16 years right now.

Maybe think about doing some counselling and/or a course to improve your communication or even meditation/yoga etc to help you be chilled, as if you can be a more empathetic peaceful and reasonable listener this will help you resolve things more easily and at less expense. Coming across angry, defensive or controlling will not help.

Have a free half hour legal advice with a few different solicitors if you can but if money is tight I would consider self representing if it goes to court. An expensive court battle will further damage relationships and resources and benefit no one.

So fight for resident parent status then. You sound like the better parent. The mother doesn't sound ready, doesn't know what to do with the kid, wants the party lifestyle etc. And keeps moving around so not offering stability. She'd probably be in a better place mentally if she wasn't trying to be a square peg in a round hole and only had DD EOW herself.

Prohibited steps order. You can fill in the form yourself.

People get scared of legal docs and courts but there is no need. Read everything very carefully, fill in every detail, pay attention to the detail. You'll be fine.

I'm always on the woman's side but she needs a damn good reason to take a small child away from her father. I think that's a shitty, selfish thing to do.

Well she's not exactly sounding like mother of the year, perhaps she's not such a great employee either. She might be supply teacher too, my friend did that and loved it because there was none of the extra stuff associated with being a permanent member of staff.

And I agree you should try to become the resident parent. If you really think you are a good father and that she doesn't have DD's best interests at heart, apply for residency. She can then move to London to her heart's desire.

Remember that we are only hearing one side of the story so can’t really judge her based on that

Agree with this.

I was her. I understand her mindset. Before having my DD I would move very regularly, never finding somewhere i felt home. Still havnt 20 years after I 1st moved out from my parent home. You keep moving in hopes of filling a void you don't know how to fill. Thinking it will be better in the next place, you will find home.

The difference with me and the OP ex is when I had my DD I done 1 final move nearer family and then knew I had to stop. The feeling don't go away, I have felt trapped her and suffocated for over 16 years but stayed put as stability is what is best for a child. You think all this time would have snapped me out of it, but now my child is older I am right back there wanting to move again. It doesn't go away that easy

If the OP ex was doing 1 final move to actually be next to family, not just closer to the airport, then I would be saying maybe as he doesn't have any family ties to the current location, then just follow this 1 time and set up home. But as it is an expensive area and she has no ties there and is likely to move again in the near future, then he needs to stand his ground now. Children need and deserve a consistent place to call home, if she isn't ready for that then maybe she isn't the best fit. She probably doesn't even realise that this move or any move won't be the answer she is looking for or the end of the search yet, but she does need to realise you can't drag a child into it

That is true of every single thread on mumsnet - there's never any corroboration

OP please stop replying to the inflammatory comments. You see your DD a lot more than some. I commend you for stepping up. You need a prohibitive steps order as others have advised. Please do that asap and stop arguing with people on here, so many unhelpful harsh comments as always when a man posts

Legally overnights are what count I believe. But I am not a lawyer. So you need to be getting to that. As you are so early in you career could you also move to London. Try not to panic but you do need to get legal advice. And doing nothing will definitely not work in your favor.

We only ever have one side of the story on any thread. I always take OPs at face value. If they sound like dicks I'll tell them so. If their partner sounds like a dick I'll happily point that out too. We all judge people who aren't on here posting, on every thread that is about someone's partner, ex, boss, children, in-laws, neighbour etc.

I don't think the ex sounds like the world's biggest shit and I don't think OP sounds like a saint either. I'm not particularly judging either of them. There are far worse parents in the world than this pair.

Have you thought about how you would manage it if you had your child all the time?

How you would manage nursery drop offs etc?
Because this is the kind of thinking and problem solving that might help you right now.
If you found yourself in that position you would have to stop thinking about all the reasons you can’t do it and find a way to make it happen.
Flexible working for a while perhaps? It won’t be forever
Any help from family or friends?
Be overly reasonable with the child’s mum. Let her know how much you appreciate her and all she does for the child - make sure she feels heard - work hard at making the co-parenting relationship work for all of you

January 1st is so close
When you’ve worked out how to make it work and it’s going well get it court ordered

I understand your frustration and how upsetting it would be. You do need to take on board what people are saying though. When my kids were small it was hard. Trying to work a full time job and doing all nursery drop offs and most pick ups would be hard and would have broken our relationship. I would feel very ragey in your exes situation.

Practically, you have to think about how you can do more during the week once you move into your own place. The days you have her need to be your days completely - you do drop off and pick up, you get her up, you put her to bed, you do life admin for her on those days. Weekends isn't enough. From a mum's perspective, if you take three weekends out of four you are doing most of the fun bits while she picks up the weekday slack.

I believe this will help you with a judge if you want to stop her moving but at the moment you wouldn't be seen as very equal at all.

I get it feels impossible with your job but you need to try and find a solution one way or another which I get will be hard given hours and it being a new career.