My 2 year old daughter being relocated

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Im a dad of a 2 year old, and not really sure where to seek advice. Beginning of the year we relocated for my partners job- I found a new job here, and shortly after was asked to move out

for the past 4 months iv been living in a house share so our current arrangement has been
Week 1 - Monday Wednesday after my work I have my daughter at the mums house. Then Friday overnight until Sunday 3pm at the house ( during the warmer weeks I usually took her to the park or for a walk during the week) over the weekend i bring all food needed and extra for the week, I take her out every weekend and the mum is away

week 2- Tuesday Thursday after work Sunday 3pm- bedtime

so anyway I pay child maintenance i actually pay 16% of my wage slightly more than the minimum,
I do really well as a dad my daughter adores me, she loves spending time with me and when I’m there doesn’t want anyone else just her daddy.

im moving into my own place January 1st so the contact can shift I’ll probably not be able to have her over night on all my week nights as Im an engineer snd start work sometimes at 4am

my ex has now decided she wants to move to London which is depending where in London about 2 hours one way from where I live and around 2:30 from my work.

her reasons she gave me is there is more to do for my daughter like museums and parks- theres Facebook groups for like minded single mums- shes closer to her parents ( they live in France but it’s a direct flight rather than a 2 Hour drive and a direct flight hey )
she feels isolated where we live and thinks living in London would make her a better mum- she also says because I only pop in and are deluded thinking I do almost 50% ( because she picks her up some week nights from nursery and I arrive about an hour after that apparently I just pop round and am a dad when I want to be
iv never cancelled a visit I always come up with fun things to do, I have covered two extra weekends, 3 occasions where the child minder was sick I basically had my daughter then made up my work hours from 4:30pm till midnight

so I just don’t know where I stand with this like surely you cant just reduce my contact to what would essentially be every other weekend ? I do everything to see my daughter as much as possible often working from home when I can so that I can finish early during week and have her for longer. I don’t see her thinking moving would benefit her mental health as a reason.

and of course now shes started down the route that the relationship was abusive was litterally never mentioned until she was justifying the break up to other people. The alleged abuse is that iv called her an idiot in arguments before and apparently I pushed her 4 years ago.

she has regular phone conversations with a councillor, a psychologist and also a domestic abuse charity- who are going to set up a mediator apparently

I just don’t understand how someone can she claim that I just pop in I see my daughter as much as I reasonably can.

she also says that shes allowed me to use her house- and I take advantage because over the weekend I used a teabag and it was the last one and didn’t replace it- we were together for 4 years and she never once drank a cup of tea.
but anyway I originally said I’d collect my daughter from her house on my days and bring her back so that I didn’t need to use her house ( after the abuse claims began) and was met with message after message how this isn’t fair how it makes her house bound how she can’t go see friends or go drinking or go food shopping ( children are allowed in the supermarket )

so I agreed to have her at the house. I just don’t understand why these medical professionals shes talking to according to her agree with this nonsense. She believes me saying I don’t want her to move my daughter away and reduce my contact time is me controlling her. I don’t care what she does but she says being a mother doesn’t fulfill her that’s why she needs to move as there will be more for her to do ( she now tries to link it to my daughter but originally it was about her )

sorry if this seems a rant i absolutly love my daughter shes my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me and just feel like iv spent months jumping through hoops to maintain my contact with her for her mum to just move her away from me

on a final note she had no job lined up in London but is a teacher so a role that relocating is easier

Ah I must have missed that post

It sounds like you're both muddling along and doing the best you can.

I feel for you. It sounds like you've been doing your best to better your career and be a good father. It can't be easy going from a family home to shared accommodation and not being able to have your daughter there.
I feel for your child's mum who is vacating her house on a weekend so that you have that space with your daughter and is having to share her space with you at other times. The complaint over the teabags is a small thing, bit it's a concrete thing she could focus on that is symptomatic of not having her own space.

She isn't going to move to London overnight, so I'm wondering about the difference that having your own space will bring. I know she hasn't said that this is the driver for going to London but to me it feels like a way to escape the situation where her space isn't really her own.

I know this is incredibly stressful, but maybe see what the changes in January bring.

Honestly some of the responses on here. So anti men and negative. Answer the question be asked without second guessing everything some woman are ridiculous with the men bashing.

I am baffled over some of the comments he has gotten regarding his job\work hours because I have lost count over how many financially struggling single mothers on mumsnet looking for advice I have seen get told to either work more hours or find a better paying job. In a recent post, a single mother with an ex not paying child maintenance got piled on by hostile posters because she can currently only work part time due to her circumstances.

I can only imagine how the OP's ex would get treated if he reduced his hours or took a lower paying job and she posted on mumsnet asking for advice over getting scraps in child maintenance.

I am aware of meetings etc, and have said I work from home to accommodate these changes in schedule as the meetings fall on days that aren’t mine occasionally.

i am not minimising what she does, if you read the comments almost everything I say is twisted.
I work as a project engineer, so next week I could be working in Scotland or Manchester or Birmingham. My work isn’t in an office or one location, so of course it’s difficult to plan certain things

and iv always said any time I miss I’ll give as much notice as I can and make it up the following weekend or during the week. Im in a graduate year at the company so currently on a rotation of moving around the different departments to get a better understanding of the company.

im not arguing that I do more, Im not arguing that I do 50/50

my point is from my daughters perspective she sees her dad one week 3 evenings 2 over nights. And one week 2 evenings and a full day

im not here to debate who does more or whats harder I was simply asking how the process works and what I can do thats it.

i dont want to have to see my ex and be in her house, but I have said yes to every single change of schedule every single message asking me to drop off milk because shes forgot to get, every single can you do an extra weekend. Any request shes had I just say yes. Because I want to keep seeing my daughter

No i dont because her mums earnings will be less in relation to outgoings. London crime rate is much higher than where we currently live.
the place we live is somewhere people move to bring up children because it’s clean and safe, theres parks, farms within 20 minutes, transport routes to Oxford and london, shes in a good nursery that she thrives in, she has a group of around 8 little mates that she sees at the park and came to her birthday, she has regularly contact with her dad

so no I don’t think moving to London would give her a better life.

You think a teachers hours are 8.30 to 4?? 🤦 I've heard it all now

I strongly suggest you ignore those trying to pick a fight with you and just use the very good advice you have been given on this thread which is, after all, posted in Legal. Good luck. I hope you can work it out.

You haven’t responded why she would make up a DV incident 4 years ago rather than more recent and more regular abuse if she was so minded to fabricate things?

No you argued your ex does 25 hours less work than you and that she is strictly 8:30-4. You absolutely have repeatedly minimised how much work she does and iflatly declared how much harder you work. You are now backtracking, saying we are twisting things. Your own words are here in black and white. You are th one trying to twist things.

I agree that the OPs tone and manner throughout this thread is quite unpleasant and I feel for his ex

Because I’m not a mind reader? Probably because if the alleged abuse was more recent then having evidence of it would be much easier but if it’s four years ago and you have no evidence well thats because it was 4 years ago.

you haven’t answered why if it happened does she let me see my daughter ?
why does she leave my daughter unattended with me for entire weekends ?
why has it only been brought up around the time she wants to relocate?
why hasn’t she gone the legal route of contacting the police ?
why she asked me to relocate my entire life 8 hours away for her new job, when if she was being abused surely she could of ended it and started her new life without bringing me a long?

I don’t know. Maybe you bully her and she is scared of you?

So if that was the case, when I said on multiple occasions I would collect my daughter and drop her off and if she prefered we could do it at a neutral location in public, shed of jumped at the opportunity no ?

Sorry OP but you’ve chosen a job that while well paying, isn’t conducive to family life with a small child. That’s one of the biggest sticking points here.

If the job is that important to you and cannot change then you need to accept seeing less of your child is probably an obvious consequence- however perhaps in a few years you can step back up in her life if you can arrange more manageable working hours (I query how likely your working hours would change and in what timescale)

If your daughter is the priority then perhaps you need to accept not meeting your full earning potential long term as you make changes to be more present in her life.

I don’t think (and neither would a family court) that it’s your ex’s job to fill the gaps so you don’t need to choose. How would you feel if she told you she’d been accepted on a Head teacher development course and if successful she’d need you to do 50:50 as she had the chance for personal and professional development with financial benefits for your daughter?

The relocation sounds like a red herring here- you don’t show much insight into your daughter or her mother’s lived reality.

my daughters lived reality is that she sees her dad every second day for the entirety of the time shes not in childcare a part from the occasional 1 hour then she sees him for the entirety of the weekend, her reality is that her dad is there consistently.

her reality is that.

im not asking anyone to pick up slack. I move into my own place in January and have already said that we’d then need to change the current arrangement. And have suggested numerous things.

some of my suggestions have been 3 out of 4 weekends over night Friday- Monday drop off Monday and a night in the week over night

another suggestion has been every second weekend Friday to Monday but every Sunday over night and a night during the week over night and one evening taking her out for her dinner or to play

suggestion one would be 4 overnights a week which is over 50% of the time?

suggestion two would equate to one week being 4 over nights and one week being 2 overnights and an evening, equating over a month in a 4 week month to 43% of overnight care plus an afternoon

my current situation is temporary and yes my job means during the week i cant promise 100% the same night every week but over a months period i can guarantee I’d be able to do the same amount of midweek nights even if it ended up being 0 one working week and 2 the next.

Oh cool - so does that work both ways? You won’t take on any projects or commitments as your ex can also not commit to being available on a set night, so you need to check in with her? Or do you presume your professional commitments would need to be marked in first and everything else arranged around that?

What is your plan if for instance, it’s parents evening for your ex and you’re supposed to be in Edinburgh? Would you cancel that commitment without complaint?

God MN is toxic. This man has clearly been making an effort to see his child whilst securing himself alternative accommodation in Jan where he’ll be able to facilitate seeing his child even more. How is it going to do the child any good whatsoever being moved to London and hardly seeing the OP at all. The mother in this situation sounds flighty. She’s moved the family numerous times as she doesn’t feel settled , who’s to say she won’t try and move again possibly to her home county?! OP you need a Prohibited Steps order, you can take her to court yourself, you don’t need a solicitor.

id then just leave this thread and don’t waste anymore time trying to convince me people on here who like to twist words & make assumptions about you. Good luck.

So if she moves away and I can not do any of the things iv said how does she navigate this random parents evening ?

iv litterally offered a solution thats over 50% and you still have a problem.

if the parents evening fell on a night that I was working away and it was my night I would pay for a baby sitter. For the hours that the parents evening lasted, if the parents evening was booked in advance which I presume they are I’d tell my boss in advance that on that date i cant work away ?
is that not pretty obvious

Yeah I think I’ll stop replying to things, thanks for the advice iv got the answers I was seeking

Why don’t you just tell your boss you can’t work away on a set weeknights each week then, to allow you to do a set night’s childcare?

Keep a screenshot of the pages you need - MNHQ might delete the whole toxic mess

I've posted on your side but I have to take issue with this. You give as much notice as possible? If she's also trying to work, that's really annoying of you. She needs to plan for her time with the child, and you need to plan for yours, including childcare if you can't be there (with first right of refusal to her, if that's what she wants). Would you drop everything if she 'gave you as much notice as she could' about a change in work hours and expected you to adjust regardless of how it affected your employment or life? You are just as responsible as she is and she doesn't have to live around your job with unexpected changes. If you can't work that, you need a more reliable location and hours job. You're a parent now.

I actually think you are doing a good job co-parenting based on what you say. It is just that collective mumsnet is often lacking reading comprehension skills and attacks for anything /everything, especially if you are a man.