Realistically, what can I do about exH cancelling having the children at short notice?.

[selfishex]

He knows we have a court order saying he is meant to tell me any work away at least 3 months in advance. But he doesn't stick to it. So I get messages saying he is going away with work next week for three weeks and I just have to accept cancelling work, cancelling booked trips to the theatre or flights, letting down people I support.

He has nearly 50/50 on paper but in practice it's nowhere near that. And it's so unpredictable.

I know he must know well in advance of when he tells me (because of the logistics of his job,.nothing is last minute).

But if I went down a mediation/legal route, what realistically could I change? (Bearing in mind he has shown time and again he doesn't care about court orders or mediated agreements )

No judge or court can ever make him behave like a reasonable, considerate or thoughtful person and that is never going to be possible unfortunately. His karma will be from the kids as they grow older

How much is he genuinely working away and unable to have the kids because he isn’t physically there? And how much is he doing it to ruin your plans?

If you’re confident it’s the first one, next time he does it I would say “im so sorry but I can’t afford to have them extra this time. Things are tight after Christmas, I have a couple of evening work things I can’t move, and babysitting for the evenings will be nearly £300. If you can cover the £300 I can take them. Thinking ahead, if you have any other dates like this can you give them to me now so that I don’t book evening work stuff on those dates?”
If he says no to the £300 just reiterate that you can’t help him out by having them then. Realistically, you’ll likely end up with the kids that week and no £300 but hopefully if you make enough of a fuss then he’ll realises the importance of telling you earlier without having to go back to court.

If he doesn’t get the hint every time he asks at short notice either do the above again or respond with “It might be possible for me to help you out but it’s a bit short notice and I’ll have to move some work stuff so I’ll let you know on Wednesday. Probably a good idea to hold off on your flight booking until I’ve checked as not sure. I wish you’d asked last month because it would have been a straight away yes. Have you got any others coming up so this doesn’t happen again?”

Basically, you’re trying to make the last minute requests for changes really faffy for him whilst 100 percent agreeing to the ones sent in advance. A bit manipulative but a lot cheaper and easier than court!

I think that the very last thing she should do @NewUserName2244

He’s doing it to be disruptive and to have an impact on the OP’s life because this is the very last way he can do so. Making up nonsense about how it’s affecting her is going to encourage him, not make him stop.

He isn’t going to ‘realise the importance’ and stop.

And he will think he’s the bees knees if he the op tells him her plans have been disrupted and she needs £300 and then ends up with the children. Mission accomplished. #WorstPlanEver

It would probably be more impactful to tell the truth and say ‘great, I want them as much as possible’ if she was going to say anything to him at all. Which she probably shouldn’t. He’s playing a game and the best thing to do is refuse to participate and go back to court.

@TootsMaHoots i don’t actually disagree with you, and if his motivation is pissing her off then being consistently delighted with the change would probably work well as you suggest.

But if the issue is that he’s genuinely working away and just doesn’t give a fuck about her schedule, making the short notice impact on him will be more successful.

Ultimately, it’s probably down to the op to work out what will work best for her….

Unfortunately there is no order available that makes him stick to collecting them and having them for his time.

The only way is to seek a revised residence order showing that he has them for far less time so that your maintenance is adjusted to deal with the added (perceived) expense of having the children the additional time.

Indeed you may argue that the constant let downs is more disruptive than if you had residence and maintenance based on that and he had access the old fashioned EOW way.

Thank you. This is a really helpful way of looking at it.

I think fundamentally he does know much sooner and I must want to find a way for him to tell me at the point he knows, then I can adjust plans in good time

The children don't mind him going away but do mind it it means I struggle with the logistics of getting them to their hobbies because I am trying to juggle with work etc

Agree with this.

I didn't take it back to court myself iirc. Exh asked for more contact and I proved he was very late or cancelled over half of his existing contact so he didn't get what he asked for.

Nothing and the child maintenance service will not change his CMS if there is a court order. I tried and kept a record and wrote to them with dates etc and they would not alter it. Keep a record. That’s it.

it is an awful system

Oh that's interesting, so I would need an amendment to the court order to get CMS amended?

I think I would plan my life as though I were an entirely single parent and would see any time they have with him as bonus free babysitting but not count on it (while keeping accurate records as you are already doing). And listen carefully to what the DC say as they may decide of their own accord he's too flakey to bother with.

I would try to treat him mentally as a really crap employee in the public sector who I'm gathering evidence to sack in the painful two year process!

@AceKitten I do think it’s that hopeless. I’m sorry my contribution was so negative but that’s been my experience. I hope OP and other women have more positive experiences than I have.

My child’s father decided he didn’t want to pay for his own child. I made a claim with the CSA (now CMS) and he just went self-employed. I reported him to HMRC and told the CSA but no one cared and my child received no money.

He still expected contact with the child (on his terms of course) and made my life hell if I dared to make plans on the one day he’d said he was seeing our child. He’d chop and change all the time and cancel last minute so I couldn’t have much of a social life and was always having to let friends down (it was fine because they knew the situation and that it would be 50/50 whether I could make it).

I ended up having to work crazy hours in multiple jobs just to get by. I got an evening job one 6 hour shift per week and he said he’d have our child each week so I could work. I was desperate and had no other childcare options. He did as he said he would and all was going well until one day, about 6 months in, he decided he didn’t want to. Didn’t let me know and no reason why. He didn’t answer his phone on the day of my shift so I put little one in a taxi and we went to his house banging on the door. He didn’t answer. In the end, I just embarrassed myself more than anything. I had to apologise to my manager and explain I could no longer work there and couldn’t even work my notice period. She was lovely about it but I was and still am absolutely mortified by it.

Little one is 13 now and daddy dearest has matured a lot, we actually get on ok on the rare occasions we have contact. Still doesn’t consistently pay child support and our now teen can’t be arsed seeing him much (I’ve always and continue to encourage contact). He bungs me £100 in cash every few months or so which is great! Nothing for school uniforms, cadets, food, school meals, bus ticket for school - he sees all that as not his responsibility.

Not necessarily- a court order doesn’t usually guarantee a maintenance amount.
My sister’s children had a court order which was used as evidence for CMS amounts. However as the children got older and wanted to be at her house more, she applied for the amount to be revised to reflect where they actually stayed. This was updated to be reflective of where they actually were, not what was written on the court order. There was a court case that set precedent for this.

If he is using it to get to you, you need to be happy every time he cancels the plans.

Thanks for letting me know Dave the kids will be so excited I booked tickets for x on the off chance you couldn’t have them. Have a great weekend.

No problem Dave it fits in better with my plans anyway

Thats worked out really well I’m at a loose end this weekend.

I am sure the ladies on here have more suggestions.

Sorry you and the kids are going through this OP. I agree with PPs who have said that you need to push it back on him - “oh that’s a shame, the kids will miss you, who have you arranged to look after them whilst you’re away?”.
The problem is that you’re the default parent and he’s taking advantage. Whilst in reality this might not change much, you can set boundaries to ensure you’re not messed around quite as much. You also don’t need to go back to court to vary the order - if he’s not sticking to it, then you do what you need to do to organise your work and life and sadly he won’t see the kids as much. If he doesn’t like that, he’ll need to apply to court to enforce the order (and you’ll have all the evidence he hasn’t been sticking to it).
In the short term you might struggle more, because you’ve got the children more. But you need to stand firm and keep reiterating that the court order requires him to give x notice of changes, you cannot accommodate last minute changes and he needs to find his own childcare for his days. You find your own childcare for your days, he needs to do the same.
And you absolutely can very the CMS based on actual days. So b my any parents ignore the court order. CMS do it based on the facts.
Big girl pants on, stand firm.

What would happen if you said to him: as per our court order, I needed 3 months notice for your work trip. Can you please let me know who will be covering this short notice childcare/where to drop the children?

I just want to say that Court is never going to give you financial compensation for this. They will probably see it as parents refusing to work together, berate you both for taking up court time and it will be another bad experience, as they are cunts. Totally get more CMS if you can (call them and ask for advice, they are actually really nice in my experience) but otherwise focus your energies on sorting childcare so you can get on with your life free of his control. It’s so shit but he is always going to let you down, sounds like he takes pleasure in it.

I actually think 3 months is a long period anyway. Loads of parents could not adhere to this. There’s lots of suggestions here about using dc as pawns in the parental argument. Try to avoid this as it’s not fair on them. Move towards having dc more and try hiding your annoyance from dc. When you have established a new routine, claim the money.

I wouldn't do this to any children but it is so tempting to suggest that next time he suddenly can't have them you just take them to his parents and drop them off, saying, 'It's your son's turn to have the kids and he said you'd look after them for him.'
I'm not seriously suggesting this but it's making me grin a little, imagining his parents' reaction.

Realistically though, when he says he can't have them on his days/weekend, I think you should push back and ask whom he's arranged to look after them during his time and where you should drop them. Also, I'd struggle to be noble about this with the kids - I'd let them know I was thrilled to have them but I'd also make it very clear that he was letting them down - I wouldn't be covering that up or trying to minimise it.

As per other PPs, you should probably start planning as if you are a full time parent and view his custody time as free babysitting whilst continuing to document every time he lets you and them down.

Yes.

mine kept not showing for contact and the CMS would not change it despite me showing them via texts and emails that he had cancelled.

Hi OP, I’m in a similar position although my ex doesn’t have them no where near as often as your ex seems to (or should do). But he will still regularly cancel last minute, leave weeks in between contact etc. I’ve had to cancel ONCE for genuine reasons and offered an alternative day which he didn’t accept and took me back to court to enforce the order. The court did not care about the fact that he cancels 50% of the time, does not pay any child maintenance etc. Hopefully your experience was different. But I agree with other posters that men can basically do what they want.
I now take the approach that others have said. I don’t expect him to have them and so don’t make plans. As men like this are not going to change. I just need to wait until my children are older as right now, their views won’t mean as much.
Depending on where you live, the approach to private law has/is changing and for the better I think. And I feel all the things you’ve said would be taken into consideration. Maybe worth looking into and waiting until then before making any applications (if your experience was as bad as mine) otherwise you have nothing to lose going back to either enforce or amend your current order depending on what your ex is like. Mine would fight everything I do so it wouldn’t be worth it for me right now

I reckon you could both get along alot better if you both started communicating and working together. It’s possible, I watch my husband do this pretty much everyday with his ex-wife. She can call him, or me at short notice and ask for something.It hasn’t always been that way and it took effort to get there.

I think it’s unreasonable for you to need 3 months notice of his work trips. I have to travel for work and it’s very much dictated by business need. I have no idea where I will have to travel in 3 months time.

Speak to him and ask him if the arrangements you have are working out for him, listen to what he has to say and try and work something out that works for both of you. Explain you have plans you’ve made in advance etc that cannot be changed and then both of you being adults work out the best solution for your kids.

If you take reasonable steps and he’s still an asshole then document all of the days the children are at his and at yours. If you’re in the U.K., give that information to Child Maintenance and they will recalculate what he owes. You need to document your communication with him as well - so make sure you’re using a chat app or email. Follow up conversations with emails detailing what you discussed and agreed and ask him to confirm if he disagrees with any of it.

He would just ignore me and hop on his flight. That's essentially what he has done this time

Then that's evidence for court.

You are blaming me ????

He was abusive when we were together. This is just a new outlet.

I know his industry incredibly well. Inside out you might say. I know full well that he knows where he is going far more than 3 months in advance. More like a year in advance minimum. The logistics he has to put in place before a trip necessitate this.

Nothing. Grudgingly accept you'll have them 100% of the time and get onto the CMS for maximum maintenance.
No point him messing the children around all the time.