Realistically, what can I do about exH cancelling having the children at short notice?.

[selfishex]

He knows we have a court order saying he is meant to tell me any work away at least 3 months in advance. But he doesn't stick to it. So I get messages saying he is going away with work next week for three weeks and I just have to accept cancelling work, cancelling booked trips to the theatre or flights, letting down people I support.

He has nearly 50/50 on paper but in practice it's nowhere near that. And it's so unpredictable.

I know he must know well in advance of when he tells me (because of the logistics of his job,.nothing is last minute).

But if I went down a mediation/legal route, what realistically could I change? (Bearing in mind he has shown time and again he doesn't care about court orders or mediated agreements )

Nothing.
You can’t make him step up.
All you can do is keep a record and make sure he pays maintenance for the true about he has them.

Record, record record. Keep a calender and attach all texts/emails to it.
So if it ever is needed as proof it is there.
I would aim to reduce the time he has them officially. He isn't doing it anyway. He should pay (more?) maintenence and you won't have the headlock and get to see you kids less stressed snd see more of them.

Nothing, men rule the world. It doesn’t matter what the court decides, it’s up to the man what he wants to do. You can’t force him to care for his own children. If he cancels last minute and you’re working or have plans, tough!

It’s pretty much the same with child maintenance. If he doesn’t fancy paying for his own children, he can simply go self-employed and say he only earns a fiver a year. Even if he’s clearly living a luxurious lifestyle, unless you have proper irrefutable evidence, there’s nothing you can do.

All recorded.

Do I need a change in court order to change the maintenance or can I just go to CMS with list of dates he didn't have them? Will they look at past dates to predict the future pattern? I think this is why he tells me it all last minute when he knows it at the beginning of the year

It's not really about the money (he hides most of his income from HMRC), but the unpredictability means I can't do more hours of work on "his" days because I just end up having to cancel

(for the avoidance of doubt, I never mind having the children, I just hate the way he plays with my life by changing things around)

You can go to CMS and ask them to base on actuals.

If he is committing tax fraud report to HMRC. If he is drawing down dividends etc report to CMS what he is doing and that his lifestyle doesn’t reflect his declared income.

I did manage to sort the dividends trick (fuck knows why these aren't automatically shared by HMRC) but he gets a lot of his income in brown paper envelopes (I know, DS chats about it like it's normal!) but HMRC didn't care when I reported that

Do you really feel like it’s that hopeless?

op do you have a support network of friends and family
id ask then for a bit of help when your get let down at the last min
as he could be trying to mess up your plans like going out etc
tryig to have control perhaps

I do a bit, but there's a limit to how much you can lean on others. I don't have family near
It's also crap for the children to be shuttled between babysitters

He's absolutely getting a kick out of leaving telling me till the last minute knowing it means I have to cancel plans

@selfishex how old are the kids and do they want to go to their dads? As they age - especially over 10 years old the courts will take their feelings more into account.

personally I’d be seeking advice and representing myself at court if possible (if cant afford a solicitor) to get this changed as he isn’t sticking to court order. Keep a log of everything. Try and get all contact in written form of text or a parenting app.

Would it not be better to renegotiate? This must be awful for dc and you need to put them first. Not your going out or arrangements. It’s unrealistic for people working full time and not being at home to do 50% without help. Man or woman. Many couples find 50:50 challenging and you maybe need to accept the best future for dc is less scheduled time with dad and make it much better quality. Plus it might actually happen! Dont keep upsetting your dc because you and ex have an agreement that’s not working. Put them first and renegotiate.

I would happily renegotiate. I love having the kids. I don't mind having them all then time. It's the unpredictability that is impossible

But my experience of my ex and the courts makes me very nervous.
He bulldozes at mediation and lies with impunity in court. It's utterly shattering to go through

It's very hard to trust the process when you have been scarred by it

It's all logged in a parenting app as I got communication by app court ordered and he has stuck to that (mainly I suspect because he knows he needs to be able to tell me when he goes away!)

I guess what I want to know if is anyone had a court order that recognise the father goes away a lot and deals with it in a manageable way that the father is agreeable to stick to?
If I am going to go to court/mediation I need to have an idea what to ask for

...he gets a lot of his income in brown paper envelopes (I know, DS chats about it like it's normal!) but HMRC didn't care when I reported that

It's not that they don't care. CMS don't investigate these cases themselves, they pass them to the Financial Investigations Unit, who can then involve HMRC if there are tax implications. But in order to do so, the receiving parent must have “credible, evidence-based challenges to a child maintenance assessment”.

Your DS 'talking about it' is hearsay. You 'knowing about it' isn't evidence in and of itself.

Providing evidence that you helped him 'cook his books' while you were together might be considered. Tangible evidence that his lifestyle is inarguably beyond his means would be considered. But again, this must be evidence based. For example, he claims to earn £20k p/a, but you have records of him paying DC's £25k school fees, holidays etc.

It is, sadly, a difficult bar to reach and even if/when you do, an exhaustingly long and complicated process to actually get the money you're owed if he's intent on not handing it over.

This is a side issue really. I just want to be able to have predictability again so I can manage my own career as I don't want to be dependent on him

But it's rife in his industry. I never let him do it when we were together. But I was well aware it was very common. And his lifestyle is completely at contrast from his income. But it's not my battle to fight. It's rife in that industry and I guess the downside for them is they all struggle to get mortgages etc because they can't prove their real income. I feel I have done my part by flagging it. He and the people who pay cash in hand can have it on their consciences

Go back go
chamge the court order and also change CMS

But what court order would realistically help?
I guess he may get reduced contact but I am struggling to think of a suggestion for a court order that would actually make a difference with the predictability side of things.

How well does he know your working patterns? Could you mislead him about when things are happening, so he will cancel having them to mess you about, but he won't know that you did the work last week and are now all ready to have a cosy weekend with the kids? Just a thought. Let him think he's winning.

He doesn't know anything about them. He know
S as little as I can get away with about my life. Because yes, if he did know anything he would undoubtedly get a kick out of throwing a spanner in the works

This is wby you keep written records. If he calls you to tell you he can't have the kids you text or email to say "just confirming that you called me today to tell me that you can't take the kids for the next 3 nights due to work commitments" and do it each and every time.

What would he do if you replied "Ok, let me know who will be having the kids on your days next week".

The issue isn't that he 'goes away a lot' though. It's that there is a court order requiring him to give you a fixed amount of notice when he has to go away for work, which he isn't following.

This is impacting you financially - being unable to schedule/having to cancel work, missing your own pre-booked trips, events etc, and the financial burden of the kids being with you for longer.

More importantly it is (I assume) having a negative impact on your children, who are expecting to see their father only to be repeatedly let down and faced with uncertainty and instability.

Mediation is usually the first port of call. Failing that, you can apply for the current order to be enforced by the courts. You'll need to show the court how the terms of the order are being breached, and if the judge agrees that they are, the father will be required to justify said breaches.

If he's unable to do this satisfactorily, the judge has a number of options available. One of these would be to vary the order in terms of living arrangements/time spent, if they feel this would provide a more stable environment for the children. They could make a compensation order for your financial loss. They could issue fines.

What I would say is that if it does get that far, it's important to focus on the impact his breaches are having on the children first and foremost. You say that he is likely 'getting a kick' out of inconveniencing you, which may well be true. However a court will be more interested in the effect his behavior is having on his children, both directly (letting them down/upsetting them by constantly flaking) and indirectly (the financial impact on you affecting the quality of life you're able to provide).

It may strengthen your case if you use the communication app to inform him of any trips you've booked, or work schedules you've arranged around his time with the kids, especially if you can give him a similar amount of notice as he's required to give you by the order.

"As you have not given me the court ordered 3 months' notice of any upcoming work trips, I have booked a holiday/I have work confirmed for X-Y dates when you are scheduled to have the children."

He may still breach the order, but he'll find it even more difficult to justify in court.

This. This 1000x sadly.