Realistically, what can I do about exH cancelling having the children at short notice?.

[selfishex]

He knows we have a court order saying he is meant to tell me any work away at least 3 months in advance. But he doesn't stick to it. So I get messages saying he is going away with work next week for three weeks and I just have to accept cancelling work, cancelling booked trips to the theatre or flights, letting down people I support.

He has nearly 50/50 on paper but in practice it's nowhere near that. And it's so unpredictable.

I know he must know well in advance of when he tells me (because of the logistics of his job,.nothing is last minute).

But if I went down a mediation/legal route, what realistically could I change? (Bearing in mind he has shown time and again he doesn't care about court orders or mediated agreements )

I didn't spot that this was Legal, and posted as if it was Relationships. When I was a child, the terms my parents both used to describe "where I lived" was "custody". I wasn't aware that the terminology has since changed.

I still think OP should return to court. It's not in the children's best interests for their mother to lose her job, have her income disrupted, or have their father routinely break his promises about when they would stay with him.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate in fairness, I didn't spot it was legal either so I'll shush now because I am not a lawyer... just someone with experience of the family courts in the UK, unfortunately.

Certainly an application to vary the order is an option. @selfishex needs to weigh up if that is worth it.

Womens aid keep a list of solicitors who are experienced at acting for women who have abusive ex partners. I would ask for a copy of the list in your area and get some proper advice.

In the meantime, continue to document absolutely everything. Someone suggested that you ask for his work plans as per the court order. I would also do that. Then its more evidence that he is choosing not to comply.

And read up on parallel parenting. Its about parenting with a dickhead ex.

OP I have no advice and I wish you luck in resolving this out seems like a nightmare. I just wanted to say to those suggesting 3 months is too much to know a work schedule that it absolutely isn't in certain industries. I've a friend who works sports events and the calendar is known years in advance. Many months ahead of the event they'll have the talent, crew and trades sorted as logistically they have to. There's the odd last minute change for emergencies, even then when they need a stand in its a "who's available to do lighting for xxx" not compulsory so he'd just be able to say no.

Hope you manage to get legal advice.

Don't worry, I have done the parallel parenting /grey rock thing for years now.
I know I can go to a lawyer but I guess I first wanted to know what kind of orders people might have got in this situation and how/whether they helped. I don't necessarily want to go into the court system again (and spend money I would prefer went on the children) unless theres likely to be a real tangible benefit (to the children) in doing so

Exactly, it's a very similar situation here. Nothing about these trips is last minute. Dates are sorted probably a good year in advance often longer

Yes. That's my view too.
I wouldnt want the children not to see their dad and I can't imagine the court giving an order or 100% time with me based on his behaviour - it wouldn't be proportionate

I am a bit concerned by a lot of the"advice" being given to me on here, it doesn't seem realistic or sensible based on my experience of the family courts. I certainly can't refuse to send the children to punish him for going away, I am astonished anyone thinks that is ok legally or morally.

@selfishex I had a lot of this in real life when I was going through it . "I wouldn't let him see him ..." Blah blah. People just don't know what it's like. I never wanted my child not to see his Dad. I just wanted to limit the chaos and abuse and bad behaviours that impacted my life so negatively. It takes its toll. Look after yourself as much as you can. Your wellbeing is vital for you and your child. That's what is ignored in this process.

I'm sure the prolonged stress and trauma has contributed to my chronic illness later down the line.

So true. I know one so called father who applied and got access EOW when his kids were 6 and 5. They are in their 30s now and he never had 1 weekend with them. Didn't want to. But of course, the mother had to have them available should he want them. Court wouldn't change it, and couldn't make him have them.

OP - I would try FLOWS or Rights of Women for legal help. Either of these should be able to advise you what is realistically achievable.

If your ex is not abiding by the terms of the child arrangements order, he can be fined for contempt of court. It may not happen the first time but he may be warned that if he continues to be non-compliant then he will be fined and the court order looked at again. There should be a clause in the original order which says what happens if either party is non-compliant.

You would need to make an application to enforce the original order and take it from there.

I have no experience of the courts so I’m not even going to go there, but I have had experience of controlling relationships and my advice there would be - set yourself up like a lone parent. It’s hard when there’s no family near-by but at least find a good babysitter you can use and book them for any theatre trips or concerts you have booked - whether your ex is supposed to have the kids or not. Personally, I’d rather pay out for a babysitter i didn’t need in the end than cancel the outing - you’re losing money either way but this way you still get to go and he doesn’t ruin your plans at short notice. Work and weekends away are another matter of course, your options are more limited there.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I have had to change/cancel plans due to ex cancelling having dc at the last minute. A court can’t force a father to have his kids and if the father says ‘but I have to work’ what will a judge say? It’s infuriating but gets easier as the dc get older. unfortunately you are right in the thick of it at the moment. Any concrete plans you want to make without your dc I suggest you have an alternative child care back up available. You will drive yourself mad looking for a way to force him to give you his schedule or to force him to have his dc when he cancels at the last minute/messes you around.

@selfishex People reply without thinking about dc. They are thinking about you and how you can get revenge. Sadly they advise you to weaponise dc. Thats not acceptable as you say. I do think you have to put up with it or pay a solicitor to fire a warning shot letter and then get advice on how to proceed. The balance is - is it worth it? I’m assuming he does see dc but you need back up arrangements for changes. Difficult I know.

Find your nearest domestic abuse service (any NHS service will be able to tell you) this guy is abusing you by exerting such control over your life for personal amusement. They should be able to support you.

Honestly, at this point I would be offering him 1 weekend a month with the kids that he takes or leaves. Write down all the details of when he has last minute cancelled and if he wants to take it to court let him. Present the details of how his life is so busy and unpredictable he is not taking the kids that often anyway and the uncertainty is detrimental to the children’s wellbeing.

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