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Original poster

Realistically, what can I do about exH cancelling having the children at short notice?.

115 replies

selfishex · 28/11/2025 22:59

He knows we have a court order saying he is meant to tell me any work away at least 3 months in advance. But he doesn't stick to it. So I get messages saying he is going away with work next week for three weeks and I just have to accept cancelling work, cancelling booked trips to the theatre or flights, letting down people I support.

He has nearly 50/50 on paper but in practice it's nowhere near that. And it's so unpredictable.

I know he must know well in advance of when he tells me (because of the logistics of his job,.nothing is last minute).

But if I went down a mediation/legal route, what realistically could I change? (Bearing in mind he has shown time and again he doesn't care about court orders or mediated agreements )

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:09

Andonthatbombshell · 29/11/2025 16:07

Nothing. Grudgingly accept you'll have them 100% of the time and get onto the CMS for maximum maintenance.
No point him messing the children around all the time.

Theres no grudging about it. I love them to bits. It's a pleasure to have them. But I try and build a life and career in the times I don't have them and then he throws curveballs out of nowhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:10

Toomanyhats88 · 29/11/2025 13:32

Not necessarily- a court order doesn’t usually guarantee a maintenance amount.
My sister’s children had a court order which was used as evidence for CMS amounts. However as the children got older and wanted to be at her house more, she applied for the amount to be revised to reflect where they actually stayed. This was updated to be reflective of where they actually were, not what was written on the court order. There was a court case that set precedent for this.

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Thank you this is really helpful to know

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:11

OhDear111 · 29/11/2025 14:47

I actually think 3 months is a long period anyway. Loads of parents could not adhere to this. There’s lots of suggestions here about using dc as pawns in the parental argument. Try to avoid this as it’s not fair on them. Move towards having dc more and try hiding your annoyance from dc. When you have established a new routine, claim the money.

I don't propose to use them as pawns

But I do know that he knows the dates for his trips at least a year in advance. He just chooses not to share them

OP posts:
Andonthatbombshell · 29/11/2025 16:12

I've had mine 100% 24/7 for 15yrs. Hence why I got to the very grudgy stage 😁.

Amy8 · 29/11/2025 16:13

Eudaimonia11 · 28/11/2025 23:05

Nothing, men rule the world. It doesn’t matter what the court decides, it’s up to the man what he wants to do. You can’t force him to care for his own children. If he cancels last minute and you’re working or have plans, tough!

It’s pretty much the same with child maintenance. If he doesn’t fancy paying for his own children, he can simply go self-employed and say he only earns a fiver a year. Even if he’s clearly living a luxurious lifestyle, unless you have proper irrefutable evidence, there’s nothing you can do.

In courts not always , they favour women - even an unfit mother. Not all men abandon responsibilities

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:13

PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 13:58

Sorry you and the kids are going through this OP. I agree with PPs who have said that you need to push it back on him - “oh that’s a shame, the kids will miss you, who have you arranged to look after them whilst you’re away?”.
The problem is that you’re the default parent and he’s taking advantage. Whilst in reality this might not change much, you can set boundaries to ensure you’re not messed around quite as much. You also don’t need to go back to court to vary the order - if he’s not sticking to it, then you do what you need to do to organise your work and life and sadly he won’t see the kids as much. If he doesn’t like that, he’ll need to apply to court to enforce the order (and you’ll have all the evidence he hasn’t been sticking to it).
In the short term you might struggle more, because you’ve got the children more. But you need to stand firm and keep reiterating that the court order requires him to give x notice of changes, you cannot accommodate last minute changes and he needs to find his own childcare for his days. You find your own childcare for your days, he needs to do the same.
And you absolutely can very the CMS based on actual days. So b my any parents ignore the court order. CMS do it based on the facts.
Big girl pants on, stand firm.

I am baffled you think I can set boundaries. If I say it doesn't work he just hops on his flight anyway. What exactly do you propose I do.? Genuinely interested because I am out of ideas

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:15

OhDear111 · 29/11/2025 14:47

I actually think 3 months is a long period anyway. Loads of parents could not adhere to this. There’s lots of suggestions here about using dc as pawns in the parental argument. Try to avoid this as it’s not fair on them. Move towards having dc more and try hiding your annoyance from dc. When you have established a new routine, claim the money.

It's not a long time if I want to book a weekend away or a theatre trip or concert tickets is it? They often sell out well in advance and friends like to make plans for the future.
If he was asking me at short notice that would be one thing. But he's telling me then hopping on a flight. That's quite another thing.

OP posts:
PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 16:22

selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:13

I am baffled you think I can set boundaries. If I say it doesn't work he just hops on his flight anyway. What exactly do you propose I do.? Genuinely interested because I am out of ideas

Show quote history

You can set clear boundaries for yourself and your children. Eg. A warning is given now and then if he pulls out last minute for his next contact, the children will not be going, and he will need to make an application to court to explain himself. You might choose to allow minimal contact in the meantime, but no overnights for example. Or if he tells you last minute that his flight is on Tuesday morning, then you drop the children at his on Monday night and it’s for him to sort out his own childcare.
You’ve made it clear you don’t want to keep going as you are, so the next step will have to be a bit extreme on your part if you want things to change.
I’d pre-warn him on the app that you cannot go on as you are, with him letting the children down and causing you to miss work etc. Everything you’ve said here. Then if he does it again, you stick to your boundary.

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:30

PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 16:22

You can set clear boundaries for yourself and your children. Eg. A warning is given now and then if he pulls out last minute for his next contact, the children will not be going, and he will need to make an application to court to explain himself. You might choose to allow minimal contact in the meantime, but no overnights for example. Or if he tells you last minute that his flight is on Tuesday morning, then you drop the children at his on Monday night and it’s for him to sort out his own childcare.
You’ve made it clear you don’t want to keep going as you are, so the next step will have to be a bit extreme on your part if you want things to change.
I’d pre-warn him on the app that you cannot go on as you are, with him letting the children down and causing you to miss work etc. Everything you’ve said here. Then if he does it again, you stick to your boundary.

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That all sounds like the kind of behaviour that uses the children as pawns though? That's never been something I would do to them

OP posts:
PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 16:39

selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:30

That all sounds like the kind of behaviour that uses the children as pawns though? That's never been something I would do to them

Show quote history

I disagree. You’re not using them as pawns, you’re respecting yourself and your children and not allowing yourself or them to be used/dropped when it suits him. Your mindset needs to be firmly that you share the care of your children. You’re not his childcare. Tell him this clearly in a message, set out the dates that you understand he is in the country having his children and make clear that if his work schedule changes, then he will need to find his own childcare. You might decide to be more generous and say that you will try to accommodate changes, but you will not be able to cancel your own work or miss ticketed and paid for events just because his plans change. I would then simply drop the children off as planned. Let him tell them he’s going away and sort the childcare.
you can of course pick your children up from wherever he dumps them. And then he will need to return to court to explain himself before you make arrangements again.
What is your alternative?

Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 16:58

PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 16:22

You can set clear boundaries for yourself and your children. Eg. A warning is given now and then if he pulls out last minute for his next contact, the children will not be going, and he will need to make an application to court to explain himself. You might choose to allow minimal contact in the meantime, but no overnights for example. Or if he tells you last minute that his flight is on Tuesday morning, then you drop the children at his on Monday night and it’s for him to sort out his own childcare.
You’ve made it clear you don’t want to keep going as you are, so the next step will have to be a bit extreme on your part if you want things to change.
I’d pre-warn him on the app that you cannot go on as you are, with him letting the children down and causing you to miss work etc. Everything you’ve said here. Then if he does it again, you stick to your boundary.

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You are so wrong about this. Court would come down in her like a tonne of bricks.

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:00

Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 16:58

You are so wrong about this. Court would come down in her like a tonne of bricks.

Show quote history

It's ok, my children are my main priority and there is no way I would put them through this.
He's a nasty abusive man. I am not going to stoop to his level.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 17:01

selfishex · 29/11/2025 16:30

That all sounds like the kind of behaviour that uses the children as pawns though? That's never been something I would do to them

Show quote history

Op you have the usual nonsense being spouted by people who are blissfully ignorant of the meat grinder that is the family court, it’s almost laughable, people insist you simply “work together”, that you’re unreasonable for expecting somebody to look after their own children when they are supposed to because of their work while you are left, literally holding the babies, or that you can set boundaries and then punish him by withholding children, as if that wouldn’t land you in danger of having an enforcement order made against you. How I wish people who don’t know what it’s like would not make such ignorant comments

Blueberry911 · 29/11/2025 17:03

OP you need to keep evidence of all this - asking him who is covering childcare for him (even if he doesn't respond) if you're serious about going back to court.

He absolutely shouldn't be giving you 1 weeks notice for covering the childcare repeatedly. Having time to yourself is important.

Otherwise you might as well just accept what's happening because without a paper trail you'll get nowhere.

NoDramaRama · 29/11/2025 17:12

If he’s getting a kick out of it, remove the power of the kick. Don’t argue, bargain, or try to negotiate. Don’t make plans, as he has proven himself to be unreliable. When he announces his departure, reply “Noted, thank you” and log it over the next 12 months. Then you have sufficient evidence for court.

caringcarer · 29/11/2025 17:12

Record all days he has them over a six month period. Then contact CMS and ask for a recalculation. I'd also tell him. If he can't do his days he needs to hire a babysitter or childminder to do them for him as you will not jeopardise your job for him.

Fireflybaby · 29/11/2025 17:14

Have you ever gave him no choice? The same like he gives you? Can you not tell him, tough mate, I have flights booked based on the agreed program, I can't change it, you'll have to cancel your plans, do whatever you think, I have to go... ?

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:15

Blueberry911 · 29/11/2025 17:03

OP you need to keep evidence of all this - asking him who is covering childcare for him (even if he doesn't respond) if you're serious about going back to court.

He absolutely shouldn't be giving you 1 weeks notice for covering the childcare repeatedly. Having time to yourself is important.

Otherwise you might as well just accept what's happening because without a paper trail you'll get nowhere.

Don't worry. I have it all logged in our app.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 29/11/2025 17:16

My exh often used to fail to collect DC on a Friday evening if he got a date. I stopped it by dropping DC off at his flat when I knew he'd be getting home from work. Then I went out as planned even if I only went around to see my Mum. He soon stopped doing it as he had to ask his parents to babysit for him or he had to break his date and stay to look after his DC. I gave him number of a good babysitter and I believe he did use her.

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:16

Fireflybaby · 29/11/2025 17:14

Have you ever gave him no choice? The same like he gives you? Can you not tell him, tough mate, I have flights booked based on the agreed program, I can't change it, you'll have to cancel your plans, do whatever you think, I have to go... ?

If they are with me and he messages to say he is hopping on a plane and will be back in a few weeks then the option to say "no" doesn't exist

OP posts:
PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 17:18

Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 16:58

You are so wrong about this. Court would come down in her like a tonne of bricks.

Show quote history

Why would they? I’m not suggesting no contact, I’m suggesting OP doesn’t pander to his every whim. But instead drop the children off with him as arranged. And if he continues to let them down, doesn’t make any more plans for them to stay with him until it’s sorted. As long as it’s all documented and OP has given fair notice, and is still facilitating contact (at a time of her choosing now, because he’s blown it), then there’s no issue.

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:19

Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 17:01

Op you have the usual nonsense being spouted by people who are blissfully ignorant of the meat grinder that is the family court, it’s almost laughable, people insist you simply “work together”, that you’re unreasonable for expecting somebody to look after their own children when they are supposed to because of their work while you are left, literally holding the babies, or that you can set boundaries and then punish him by withholding children, as if that wouldn’t land you in danger of having an enforcement order made against you. How I wish people who don’t know what it’s like would not make such ignorant comments

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Don't worry, I'm aware how utterly naive people are. I would probably have been like them had I not been down the rabbit hole!

I came for actual solutions people might have found, examples of court orders that made a difference, not lectures about setting boundaries/not using them as pawns.

OP posts:
PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 17:21

selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:00

It's ok, my children are my main priority and there is no way I would put them through this.
He's a nasty abusive man. I am not going to stoop to his level.

Show quote history

Put them through what? Dropping them off at their Dad’s house as arranged. And not baking new plans if he fails to keep the current ones. Showing your children you love and respect them and also respect yourself.
Though I’m more concerned that you’ve just said he’s abusive, in which case, why on earth are you pushing for him to have them? Let him chase you for contact, protect your children and organise your own childcare.

Original poster
selfishex · 29/11/2025 17:25

PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 17:21

Put them through what? Dropping them off at their Dad’s house as arranged. And not baking new plans if he fails to keep the current ones. Showing your children you love and respect them and also respect yourself.
Though I’m more concerned that you’ve just said he’s abusive, in which case, why on earth are you pushing for him to have them? Let him chase you for contact, protect your children and organise your own childcare.

Show quote history

He was abusive to me not them.
Although I always fear it of course but I tried that route with the courts and they don't care what dad is like to mum

I am not "pushing him to have them". I just want to be communicated with and be able to make plans.

I cannot and would not drop the children off when I know full well he has a flight booked. My primary duty is to them and any solution does not involve me playing games and putting the children in the middle of this.

This thread is getting quite odd now.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 29/11/2025 17:36

PurplGirl · 29/11/2025 17:18

Why would they? I’m not suggesting no contact, I’m suggesting OP doesn’t pander to his every whim. But instead drop the children off with him as arranged. And if he continues to let them down, doesn’t make any more plans for them to stay with him until it’s sorted. As long as it’s all documented and OP has given fair notice, and is still facilitating contact (at a time of her choosing now, because he’s blown it), then there’s no issue.

Show quote history

The family court system doesn’t give a shit about this arguement. If you really want to know how things work, I urge you to read assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5ef3dcade90e075c4e144bfd/assessing-risk-harm-children-parents-pl-childrens-cases-report_.pdf