Realistically, what can I do about exH cancelling having the children at short notice?.

[selfishex]

He knows we have a court order saying he is meant to tell me any work away at least 3 months in advance. But he doesn't stick to it. So I get messages saying he is going away with work next week for three weeks and I just have to accept cancelling work, cancelling booked trips to the theatre or flights, letting down people I support.

He has nearly 50/50 on paper but in practice it's nowhere near that. And it's so unpredictable.

I know he must know well in advance of when he tells me (because of the logistics of his job,.nothing is last minute).

But if I went down a mediation/legal route, what realistically could I change? (Bearing in mind he has shown time and again he doesn't care about court orders or mediated agreements )

This is what abusive men do. He’s using the children to get a reaction from you.

I’m sorry you went through that OP and are still being harmed by him now.

You should be able to make plans, but from everything you’ve said, you cannot reply on him when making those plans.

Nothing I have suggested is game play. Dropping the children with their tiger parent is not game play. You are enabling his bad behaviour by being the default parent and allowing him to call the shots. You’ve been given suggestions by me and others about standing your ground. What do you want people to suggest? What solutions do you think we have missed?

I’ve got first hand experience, thanks. My sister is also a family lawyer. I’m well informed.

Clearly not

If I knew what solutions exist I wouldnt be asking . I am hoping someone who has been through similar (or a lawyer -hence putting this in legal matters) may have found a court order or similarly mediated solution that mitigates the situation somewhat. I don't know what that might look like which is why I am asking. I know enough about the courts that if I do take him to court I ought to go armed with a workable proposal

I do think dropping them off when I know he has a flight booked would be an awful way to treat the children and they are my priority.

I have of course pointed out expectations. Tried reasoning with him etc. I am posting because I am out of options other than those which would involve me behaving as badly as him

This isn't about me not wanting the children. I love having them. And this wasn't intended as a rant or vent. I know all the games too about not reacting /never assuming he will have them. But I am tired of his games now and do want to explore possible legal solutions. Reducing contact may be an option but that doesn't actually tackle the underlying unpredictability issue.

I am just looking for actual ideas for a court order /mediated solution that might work even with someone of this nature

No Court will compel him to be a responsible father/hunan being I’m afraid. A court order assumes everyone sticks to it or else it’s meaningless and loses its power. Any variation of the order can still be ignored and flouted by him. Your only power is to simply say that you’re not putting up with it - tell him he sticks to the order (either in it’s current form or if he wants to vary it you can both do that) or he only has the children at a time that works for you and them , it’s as simple as that. Despite what some are saying, you absolutely can do that - just ensure you put it all in writing, give him a fair chance to fail again etc.

Ok love. If you say so.

Honestly stop planning your life around him. At the moment it’s all about control for him , my ex was just the same .
I just stopped counting on him for anything , I even stopped responding to the texts he sent the night before he was meant to have her .
Honestly it was liberating , any family that would baby sit at all ?

I think some posts on here are really unfair so I’m glad you’re ignoring them OP!
Telling OP that she needs to stand her ground more or simply drop the children off anyway when he says no is terrible advice. I presume the reason OP is not doing that is because she’s a good mother and actually cares about who is going to be looking after her children. It’s the difficulty not knowing when she has the children is having on her life that is the issue, not that she ends up having them more in general. He is clearly not a reasonable man otherwise he wouldn’t do that in the first place without a conversation or offer of sorting out childcare. So I don’t imagine talking to him is going to do any good!
With a court order in place she had no choice but to adhere to it otherwise I imagine the courts would have something to say. As others have said, the court does not care about whether he was abusive to her. It’s complete double standards but that’s how it is right now. So someone saying the courts favour women is not true at all. But if you don’t have experience of private proceedings or abusive men then it is difficult to give advice as you’ll never understand OP’s position.
I’m sorry I don’t have a solution for you. I posted on here myself recently about a similar issue. But I hope something works out for you and your kids

The thing is, when you’re actually in court (I’ve been in front of a judge15 times due to ex partners vexatious litigation after following advice like that being given on this thread, hence my prickliness) firstly, they don’t take kindly to mothers taking it upon themselves to withhold contact, no matter what the circumstances. You can’t simply say you missed last week so this week they are not available. They expect you to go back to court to ask for a variation, and only in extreme circumstances. They generally don’t give a shit about historical abuse.
Solicitors will often tell you you can do certain things but when you get in front of a judge, if you get a horrible one (of which there are so many) things often do not pan out that way. It all depends on the judge, but advising somebody to take it upon themselves to change an order without agreement of the other side is in my opinion, very risky. Going through the family court process can be traumatic in itself and the more times you go in, the more muddled and complicated everything is and the easier it is for the other side to make up lies about previous proceedings because nobody has the capacity to read it all back.it escalates and there is a huge amount of victim blaming. it has basically fucked my child’s entire childhood and impacted me more than I can ever explain.I now have aggressive breast cancer and it’s nowhere near as bad as dealing with all those proceedings with people constantly giving me well meaning but shit advice and being subjected to institutional DARVO
I think OP knows this, I just wish others wouod wind their necks in a bit- you do not know how to judge will respond to a mother with holding contact regardless of the reasons, it’s a roll of the dice, and if it goes wrong, it can be horrendous

He’s breaking the court order surely? Do you have a solicitor? I would ask them what you can do. I thought they could get into trouble if they broke it? If you really don’t mind having them all the time can’t you just say you want them 100% of the time because he’s so unreliable and he’s impacting your earning potential and your life. At least if you know you’ll have them all the time you can plan accordingly. It’s not like you can get a childminder that just has them when your ex decides to go away with little notice for example. I doubt you’ll get 100% but it might be scary enough for him that he starts to give the 3 months notice and tue judge might tell him off for breaking the order.

Thank you, all of this. Every word of it. This is my experience and why I think so many on this thread just have no idea.

Thank you. You get it! I am sorry you have been through similar.

The sad truth of the matter is that there is no legal force available to make a disinterested/unreliable parent turn up when they're supposed to. As awful as it is you're left with the choice of accepting it or not. "Acceptance" here doesn't mean you agree or think it's ok, it just means that you appreciate the reality of the situation and so plan accordingly.

If there was something I really wanted to do when it was my ex's turn to have the DCs then I'd make a backup plan in case of a no-show. It meant that if I made plans for things like meet-the-teacher events or going to see new schools then I made those plans to suit me and the DCs and if those plans happened to fit in with my ex then that was a happy coincidence but not a show-stopper if they didn't. Truly, I get it. It sucks. I was lucky to have some friends who I could call on to babysit for an evening and an understanding boss. But the more you can take the power back the less you rely on your ex and so the less their shittiness will impact your life.

Is there any way of getting his travel plans from a third party? Secretary or partner? Could the children ask?

There’s no blame in my message. What happened doesn’t matter , get therapy and get over it. You don’t need to like this person, just co-parent until your kids are adults.

You can make it easy or you can make it hard. It’s up to you now.

I have had plenty of therapy . I don't need more. I was looking for legal advice.

@Pherian sorry but I think you need to stop now. Your husband clearly wants to co parent and then yes, that means there is effort on both sides even if it is difficult.

Where you have an abuser, it is all about control. There's no co-parenting. The abusive ex will do what the fuck they like. Courts are the most misogynistic and horrific experience. I think I have PTSD from it.

My ex has been an optional parent. I got through the early years by not relying on him at all. I paid for childcare when I had to work, because he would just cancel or be late and I couldn't screw my job up. I grey rocked him, so there was no drama. I got a second phone, so I could keep all messages without the abuse waking me at 4am.

You are not married to one of these men. I was. @selfishex was. You need to stop preaching because you have nothing useful to add here.

They're pretty much bang on the money wirh their attitude unfortunately

@selfishex I mean this kindly wishing you the energy and power to stand up to him, but I agree you need to set consequences. NOT to change his behaviour. he will never change. consequences to protect yourself and your children. especially if he is abusive then he only understands the rules of a bully. you sound kind and like a loving mother, he doesn’t understand this preset in a human. he only understands dominance.

It sounds to me he brings nothing but misery to your life, so if I were in your shoes I’d build a case showing that his behaviour is not sustainable, with proof of how your children have suffered from the inconsistency, and go for 100%

and no, you do not owe it to your children to enable them to see their father. you owe it to your children to protect them from an abusive adult. from harmful toxic relationship modelling. you don’t owe them to have contact if said contact comes with emotional and financial instability to their main caregiver - you.

this is the kind of boundary you need to implement.

Wishing you well with your recovery.
OP asked for advice and views. She’s been given a variety and she can choose how to proceed.

In what possible way can the OP make it "easy"??? She has to co parent with someone who isn't interested in making it easy for her or carrying his weight. He is disobeying the court ordered notice periods and there is damn little she can do about that but suck it up.

OP I feel for you. I think the best advice you got on here was to try to always have a back up plan for his contact time and tell him as little as possible about your plans.

I would add that it probably doesn't help if you show annoyance at last minute changes. Next time he says "oh can't take kids as per schedule" either don't reply or send a thumbs up. He is getting a kick out of feeling he is messing you about. Don't feed him.

Also your children will be easier to manage and more likely to not tolerate this from the age of 11/12 on. This is a finite time in your life. It is hard but it will end. He can't play this game forever.

I suppose I'd just get back to court to ask for full custody. Mucking around isn't just bad for you, it's bad for them

Go back to court and ask for full custody, explaining and evidencing how he's breaching the court order by pissing you about and stating explicitly that he is using it as a means to continue to abuse you by putting your job at risk.

Shy bairn gets nowt.

We do not have custody in this country. We have child arrangements orders. A child will not have a bond with a parent severed by the court for something as mild as this (and I'm not meaning that it is mild for OP). We have resident parents, and non resident parents. OP is the resident parent, as am I. The other parent still has parental responsibility and the child has a right to see them.

Frankly, mothers and it is overwhelming mothers, have to suck it up. Women are forced to share arrangements with their abusers all the time. It's commonplace. The courts continue the abuse.

There has been a very recent shift to recognise some of this (removing the presumption that contact is best for the child) but we're talking a couple of months ago and I would be amazed if the judiciary are suddenly changing in response.