Police DASH assessment panic

[IntrusiveThoughtsHell]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone here has experience with this and would mind me talking to them over pm.

It's regarding things that I disclosed on a DASH assessment, things that I discussed with police, and if anything I've said could get someone into trouble.

I'm having severe intrusive thoughts and worry about this

A DASH is to look at the risk you're at from domestic abuse. If you're deemed high risk you will be allocated an IDVA ..independent domestic violence advisor and will be discussed at a MARAC meeting (multi agency risk assessment conference).
In terms of getting someone into trouble...the police could look at and order to keep the perpetrator away from you. If you've children definitely high risk DASH are shared with social services.
Try not to think about this on any other way than trying to safeguard you.

Im happy to reply openly but sorry no PM.

I used to run DVA services you can PM me if you want and i will see if i can advise.

The police did a Claire's law disclosure but I'd already done a risk assessment. I know the MARAC meeting is this month. I am terrified of him finding out I've spoken to anyone at all about anything. I'm not ready to leave the relationship. No children involved. Now I'm really worried that they will tell him to leave me alone.

As @Titasaducksarse advised you the information will be shared with other agencies to keep you safe.

They will not disclose that you have completed this assessment.

The MARAC will discuss ways to keep you safe between those agencies.

If you are allocated an IDVA, they will discuss safety plans, and help with you leaving when you're ready to do so.

So it's not likely that the police would tell him to leave me alone without me saying that's what I want to happen? I'm terrified and I just want to know that nothing's going to happen behind my back. I wish I'd never said anything to anyone. What a mess

OP.
Please, im going to say something that may shock you or you many not believe me.

MARAC is for high risk cases where the person is at risk of serious harm.

Whatever either you've disclosed or this person's DA history....it is serious.

Please stop worrying about the other person, we all want you to be safe.

I know it's serious. I just don't want him to know any of this is happening. I'm terrified he will find out. Can they really tell him to leave me alone if I don't say that's what I want to happen? Nobody told me that could happen.

MARAC is confidential, so he won't know about that. Police should speak to you before taking action in case it increases your risk. There are some circumstances where they might not, but it shouldn't be for something as low-level as giving him words of advice. You are right in that, for some perpetrators, that just makes the situation worse and for that reason it's generally bad practice for them to just go ahead and do it.

Theoretically if there's been an incident the police can get a domestic violence prevention notice in place for immediate protection. Then apply for an order. Obviously if there was an incident and the police were called he'd be aware!

However, if there's no actual incident they're unlikely to go this route. Everyone will want to support you to get to a safe decision though.

I haven't reported anything. Just answered their assessment questions. I am so worried. I thought it all had to be kept confidential. I really don't want him to know, I just want to leave the relationship when I'm ready

That's what I'm thinking; if it was 'significant' enough, they could put in a DVPN, but that would usually prevent him from contacting you: it isn't considered best practice to just give words of advice (or caution) and leave both parties in the same property. The only reason I can think of for him to be given a DVPN and/or removed and told not contact you would be if he was arrested for an incident against you, or if he has some previous conditions that mean he has to inform police if he gets into a new relationship.

Say that to the IDVA as they will help you plan a safe exit from this relationship.

Usual practice would be for them to refer you to MARAC and ensure you have access to an IDVA. The IDVA will help safety plan with you and talk through options. It's not that common for police to just go ahead if the victim isn't supportive - I mean it's possible, yes, but it's not that common because they would need witnesses etc etc etc in order to go ahead without your support.

The fact that you are terrified is terrifying me.

One day you’ll be free my love but you are clearly not ready yet.

Don’t doubt what the others are saying. In that he is high high risk.

They won’t tell him.

But if they are involved then one day you’ll are going to need them.

With knobs on i I hope we can help.

It just doesn't seem that bad when I think about it all separately. I feel very stupid I feel like I've made some things into a bigger deal than they are. I answered the questions honestly, some things I never thought about as 'hurting' me until I spoke to my women's aid worker. I feel like I don't know which way is up. I just want time to do it myself, I don't want them to tell him I've been talking to people about it

Maybe I minimise though because I have a habit of ignoring poor behaviour when it's towards me

What will it take for you to be ready? What is it you are waiting for?

It’s important to remember the boiling frog. You may not have noticed the temp rising.

Also, he will have been grooming you- training you- to tolerate just a little more.

Think about the time line of your life together.

I will give you a sample a story line of all I have ever heard before.

I met him, i was blown away by him, our love was passion incarnate, i never knew anything like it before.

He showered me with love text me all day every day.

As we went along it became apparent that he was very hurt and damaged by his own experiences.

i knew i could save him, because he wanted me to. And our love together would prevail.

He did not like my family, and they did not like him,

they were wrong in my eyes so i withdrew from them.

In any case he used to get upset and angry with my family, who in his eyes were too involved you know intrusive.

My friends have drifted away, i don't know why they have never said anything.

I have one friend, which he hates, who i sneak out to see.

He gets angry sometimes if i do something wrong.

if we have a tiff it can get out of control and he does hit me , but he feels so bad afterwards and cries and begs forgiveness, I cave because I know he needs me, he is nothing without me.

The sex afterwards is wild and i feel so loved, am out of my mind with joy for days and all is so wonderful

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.

**

in Order to complete a DASH assessment with the Police there is normally a reason for them to visit in the first place, have you or someone else reported an incident?

If you disclosed offences when completing the DASH, particularly if you’ve been deemed high risk to warrant a MARRAC meeting, then it’s likely the Police will/should take positive action. They can’t sit and complete a DASH, have you disclose high risk DA offences and then ignore it. What kind of safeguarding would that be. The Police should not ignore offences disclosed. Contact the officer that attended if you’ve got concerns and discuss it directly with them. At least then you will know what they’re planning to do with your disclosures.

We can’t help you on here. You need to speak to your IDVA from women’s aid and start safety planning first, and then planning your exit.

have a look at trauma bond which may explain why you feel as you do. Majority of women in abusive relationships are trauma bonded which is why it’s so difficult to leave .

once you have processed this you will hopefully be able to leave with the support of your IDVA.

Take good care of yourself

He’s clearly a danger towards you and previous women. I understand your need to feel in control. Do you have a reason that you need to remain in the relationship rather than taking the opportunity to leave now?

It’s ok I’m not having a go at all.

You will be confused and anxious and that is totally normal for someone who is going through what you are. When things are good everything is great but when it’s bad then it’s you who is going to suffer the most.

This is a process, a journey if you like and there’s a lesson in this for you.

Your situation is text book, there’s patterns and cycles in these types of relationships.

I hope you’ll be safe - please keep on engaging with them - they’ll keep quiet and when the time comes they will try to keep you safe.

Believe me services are so stretched if they think you are not at risk they wouldn’t be bothering to support you so if you do anything please stick with them until they say you don’t need to anymore

This is your opportunity to leave OP. You didn't do Clares law and speak to Women's aid for no reason.

Great advice not.