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Original poster

How to legally show a dr has lied about being ‘on call’

119 replies

PippaGreen28 · 18/08/2025 21:01

Is there a way to a) find out if an nhs consultant is ‘on call’ when he claims to be ( on the Fridays he is responsible for our two autistic children) and his justification for essentially denying me as a lone parent of two very complex autistic children a full weekend of respite a month? This prevents me from forming my own relationship whilst he has one, from getting any meaningful rest or catching up on essential admin /household work for the children. They are left waiting for him until their normal bedtime and he sees so little of them - my son is desperate for more time and needs it. Meanwhile he gets to control my life in this way by denying me any meaningful free time and gets to have his say in the children’s lives and education when he does not facilitate that even one day a week. After he decided to cull 3 days off his time with the children this long summer holiday to only taking off 5 days and dropping them back to me so he could have a relaxing weekend I was so furious I rang his hospital and asked who the doctor on call was in his department and they said there had been no doctor on call as far as they knew. I suspect he has been lying about this for a long time and it is evidence I need of how he uses his control over my free time to punish me or curtail my life but I don’t know how I can categorically or legally get this information definitively and how it might be used to help me and the children. I would hugely appreciate any advice. He is a covert narcissist and a chess player and thinks he has be in ‘ check mate’ he has refused all calls to spend more time with the kids, give me more respite and blocks anyone who advocates for me. Any advice from those with either legal knowledge or of the NHS system and ways I might confirm this?

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 18/08/2025 21:02

Sorry he thinks he has me in checkmate thst should have read.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 18/08/2025 21:07

Sadly, I think you are on a hiding to nothing. This man doesn’t want to be his children’s father.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/08/2025 21:13

What difference does it make? He can refuse to see his kids completely, he doesn’t have to do any time with them, no overnights, not a single hour if he doesn’t want to and neither you nor any court can force him.

MsTamborineMan · 18/08/2025 21:17

I don't think you can legally prove he lied about being on call. He will have a rota but I don't think there's anyway you can legally access it, and rotas are not always accurate so you wouldn't be able to prove he wasn't on call

Either was you cant, unfortunately, force this man to parent his children.

livingoverseasproblems · 18/08/2025 21:25

Unfortunately you can't force him to spend time with the kids as shitty as that is so I'm not sure if finding out that info would even be helpful?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/08/2025 21:32

What are you going to do with the info if you find out he has lied? He can’t be forced to take the children.

Endofyear · 18/08/2025 21:37

Sadly OP you cannot force him to have the children. He sounds like a shit father and a selfish pig.

Can you speak to social services about getting some respite? It's possible that you can get direct payments so you can pay for hired help and support if council run respite facilities are scarce.

Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 01:01

no help from social services. Fine he can be a shut parent but he uses his time with the children as a way to control me and my lifestyle and lying to justify it. He always uses his role as a doctor to excuse and justify his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 01:04

Where children are disabled or have other complex needs fathers should not retain their rights unless they are offering some meaningful support and input.

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 01:06

He has always used threats of divorce, financial withholding or disrupting or curtailing my free time as a way to control me and he is being allowed to continue this through his pattern with the children that is my point

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/08/2025 01:08

A judge could order the on call records to be provided, but what would that accomplish? All it would prove is if he lied in the past. He can just start outright refusing to care for his children in the future.

what you can do is make sure the custody agreement reflects reality. If he is supposed to pick them up at a particular time on a particular day and he never shows up, then keep a record and after enough time petition to have the agreement changed.

You can also refuse to just sit around waiting for him all day.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 19/08/2025 01:10

Even if he has lied to you it’s not going to make any difference.

it’s morally wrong but not illegal.

he’s an arsehole but you already know that.

FelicityBeedle · 19/08/2025 02:14

Possibly unethical but not the worst thing you could do is call the hospital switchboard and ask which consultant is on call for his specialty…? Knowing that won’t help your situation but sometimes the vindication is nice on its own

SereneCoralDog · 19/08/2025 02:26

Even if you can prove he's lying it wont make any difference op - he sounds crap but you can't force him to have them.

In fact, if you let him know how his dicking around is upsetting you he'll probably do it more.

Just don't be available to him to drop them early when he has them. I'd make sure I was out until 10 minutes before drop off time and if he messaged to say they'd be back early i'd reply to say unfortunately I won't be home until x as arranged so i'll see you then.

Crushed23 · 19/08/2025 03:36

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 01:06

He has always used threats of divorce, financial withholding or disrupting or curtailing my free time as a way to control me and he is being allowed to continue this through his pattern with the children that is my point

Wait… you mean you haven’t already divorced this cunt?

PollyBell · 19/08/2025 03:43

How on earth would knowing this help anything? none of it makes any legal sense

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 06:12

I don’t know what you’re hoping to get from this OP. It’s shit but he doesn’t actually have to do anything with or for those kids.

Secretsquirels · 19/08/2025 06:14

How feasible is it to find someone who has the skills and expertise to care for them?

If you could find someone available when he cancels you could try saying “actually I’m not available from x time onwards, but Sophie can babysit for them for £20 an hour “ and see if you can get him to pay for childcare to cover his on call.

Also, if he’s lying about this make sure that you are definitely getting as much cms as you are entitled to and that he isn’t lying about salary.

Id try and get some sort of alternative respite in place for yourself - even if it’s as simple as 3 hours of babysitting every Wednesday night - so that you have something that you can rely on which is completely independent from him.

femfemlicious · 19/08/2025 06:31

I have a similar ex husband who is always trying to "punish" me. You have to drop the rope qnd atop depending on him him. Believe me I absolutely understand how frustrating and horrible the situation is that they get away with their behaviour. I suggest you get the disabled children team involved if they are not already. Let them know you are seriously struggling. They can get you respite. You have to get as much Money as you can from him and forget about him as a father.

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 19/08/2025 07:10

This is hideously upsetting for you and dc but having confirmation that hes lying won’t help in any practical way. Maybe him paying for childcare when hes unexpectedly On call’ would give you a break sometimes?

Mynewparasitefriend · 19/08/2025 07:22

I suppose one way around it would be the child maintenance aspect. ie how many nights a week is he claiming the children are at his and reducing his maintenance by ?

Equally - the GMC. They likely won’t do anything but the threat of a probity investigation might scare the shit out of him. Particularly if he has claimed to be on call in any legal or formal documentation? Doctors have a code of behaviour “the guide to good medical practice” - it doesn’t just relate to behaviour in the workplace. Clearly the GMC won’t care or get involved in minor squabbles but lying on formal documentation would make their ears prick up.

His job plan (which will be correct whereby a rota might not be) will absolutely show when he is paid to be on call. I wouldn’t necessarily trust the switchboard to know or indeed to even give a member of the public that information

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 19/08/2025 07:23

Repeating the above, but you're on a hiding to nothing. It doesn't matter if he's lied. No court can force someone to spend time with their kids. Giving you respite from your kids is not his legal responsibility. Moral, yes. But legal, no. He could choose never to spend another minute with them and there is nothing anyone can do to make him 🤷‍♀️ lying about being unavailable is also not illegal, so there really is nothing you can do.

Mynewparasitefriend · 19/08/2025 07:24

But I do have to echo the above, you can’t make him see or care for his children. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

He thinks by not seeing them he’s still controlling you, so remove him from the situation and find alternative care (I accept that’s easier said than done).

Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:09

How do I remove him from the situation unless I refuse his financial contribution as he will withhold it if I am difficult as he has done this in the past? Carr for my kids can be is around £30
per child per hour!

OP posts:
Collaborate · 19/08/2025 08:17

If he’s taken you to court to see more of the children the evidence you seek would be relevant. If he’s not done that his motivation is completely irrelevant and you cannot force him to prove he is on call.