How to legally show a dr has lied about being ‘on call’

[PippaGreen28]

Is there a way to a) find out if an nhs consultant is ‘on call’ when he claims to be ( on the Fridays he is responsible for our two autistic children) and his justification for essentially denying me as a lone parent of two very complex autistic children a full weekend of respite a month? This prevents me from forming my own relationship whilst he has one, from getting any meaningful rest or catching up on essential admin /household work for the children. They are left waiting for him until their normal bedtime and he sees so little of them - my son is desperate for more time and needs it. Meanwhile he gets to control my life in this way by denying me any meaningful free time and gets to have his say in the children’s lives and education when he does not facilitate that even one day a week. After he decided to cull 3 days off his time with the children this long summer holiday to only taking off 5 days and dropping them back to me so he could have a relaxing weekend I was so furious I rang his hospital and asked who the doctor on call was in his department and they said there had been no doctor on call as far as they knew. I suspect he has been lying about this for a long time and it is evidence I need of how he uses his control over my free time to punish me or curtail my life but I don’t know how I can categorically or legally get this information definitively and how it might be used to help me and the children. I would hugely appreciate any advice. He is a covert narcissist and a chess player and thinks he has be in ‘ check mate’ he has refused all calls to spend more time with the kids, give me more respite and blocks anyone who advocates for me. Any advice from those with either legal knowledge or of the NHS system and ways I might confirm this?

@CoffeeCup14 i mentioned up thread but my DH’s ex gets loads of respite for their child, because she rang social services and said they need to take them into care. Their response was almost immediate, they have obviously done the maths and they now have respite every day they’re not in school, including weekends and 2x carers either end of the day to wake up, dress etc and reverse in the afternoon. I’m sure it differs between LA’s but I am always amazed as the disparity between what people receive.

Also, if her ex really is at nhs consultant and frequently on call and working long hours, he might not be very best place to take the children, either.If what she needs is respite care.

Parents who work long hours need to put their children in after school clubs and holiday clubs and collect them afterwards, and this might not be suitable for the children if they have high levels of needs.

It's often the case that in school holidays with a working parents.Whether or not their both still together that when the children go to the working parent they often have to go into childcare or a holiday club. What's the parents supposed to do they can't just stop working for the entire summer holiday. It just might not be suitable for him to have the children.

Youre absolutely right.She should be looking to him for equal parenting and not respite care.

A child arrangement order is your friend here. Go to court to get set days and pick up times, if he fails to collect within the window then don’t rearrange. Also file with cms so you get the money reflecting the amount of overnights he actually does, if he bill increases he might play ball

This is a bit of an issue in our household. DH works a demanding job and social services won’t replicate the extensive respite and carers SEN child has at Mums at Dads. But then ask DH to have him for extended periods to provide respite to Mum. The point is DH could provide respite if he had the same access to resources Mum has. It’s acknowledged Mum can’t cope alone with her child (now nearly an adult) but Dad has no choice. The only reason we have heard is dad’s time should be “quality time.”

As OP knows it’s incredibly demanding and because you can’t use normal childcare it’s near impossible to work a normal 9-5 let alone a job with hours on call. If both parents made themselves available for their child’s needs neither would be able to work and support the kids.

I sympathise and know it’s impossible - OP needs proper support not a flakey other parent.

To all those saying go to court. Even if she does get a contact order in place, it’s not enforceable. It only works the other way, if she wants to limit contact with him/wants more contact with her children.

That's right. If he wants contact he applies for it.

I dont think she can apply to court to force contact on him.

Wow , maybe I should threaten that for my asd daughter 😳

I think going to court will push him into commiting one way or the other though so at least OP knows where she stands going forward. Him being able dictate on the day what time he’ll be picking up and suddenly deciding that he wants to drop the children home early isn’t fair on them or her.

If he’s not going to be there that will then be in an order so OP can know where she stands and claim what she is entitled via the CMS. She can also apply to the court for top up payments to allow her to pay for someone who can come and support her with caring for the kids. Whilst no-one can force him to be involved, he can be forced to help provide the support that his kids and OP need.

Yes & no really.

Yeah court would formalise contact arrangements so OP can at least know what days he MIGHT turn up, but having it formally laid out doesn’t mean he will actually turn up for contact. Yes, OP can then apply for extra CMS for the days he missed (only if those missed days reduce his band overall), but he doesn’t have to pay for childcare.

All he has to pay is CMS.

My thinking is that if he doesn’t turn up as agreed in the order, then she can change it and reduce his time to what he actually does. They won’t let him carry on changjng what’s been ordered, he’ll be in contempt of court.

You can apply to the court for top up payments beyind what CMS award. These can be lump sum or periodic payments to cover specific needs, and disabilities is listed as one of those needs. They would certainly look at it if the LA won’t help and he’s not doing his share of the actual parenting.

All that would accomplish is her claiming more CMS if he is formally doing no overnights- which is better than nothing, but that process will cost OP money and still won’t give her the time she wants.

I’ve never seen the court force a man to pay for any childcare, even with disability involved, because the higher CMS as a result of doing no overnights IS compensation for him not doing “his share” of parenting- as shit as that is, that’s the reality.

He won't be in contempt of court. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. He isn't ordered to have contact just the resident parent is ordered to make the DC available. The only person therefore who can be found in contempt for not abiding by the order is the op.

he doesn’t get to dictate dates/times. It needs to be a regular time/day especially with children who have additional needs. If he is unable to have them then he doesn’t get to decide he wants them another day instead.

it’s time to say the children will be Available for you from school end time on Friday 1st,15th and 29th and are due to ve returned to their home address at 6pm on Saturday 2nd etc.

if you are unable to collect them from school you will not be able to collect them until Saturday morning between 9am and 10am, after this time it will be assumed that you are unable to facilitate your contact time and the children will no longer be available.

if he takes it to court you will be able to show that you have been reasonable and allowed contact but he has failed. Keep records of when he doesn’t turn up/is late/tries to change days etc.

I would also say go via child maintenance as this will also take away his control over money and that way you will know what you are getting.

sadly, it really does depend on where you are as to what help you can get. I know the Local authority I work for provides Saturday morning respite for children - 3 hours in total and during holidays 5 hours twice a week in addition to the Saturdays.

It may also be helpful to contact your local family hub/children’s centre as they may have be able to point you in the right direction for support.

My brother is on call at the hospital often but it’s not something that’s on paper anywhere, he just knows he has to show up if they need him so can’t go anywhere far from where he lives. E.g he could happily be out playing golf whilst on call but couldn’t go on a weekend away if on call. Sometimes he won’t be needed but if he is, he has to drop whatever he’s doing within a very short space of time to be there.

Side note- he’s a waste of space and perhaps your kids having less time with him isn’t a bad thing. You should be all means try and get him to pay for additional childcare on enough days to make it a 50/50 split.

you do an FOI request to the hospital for his hours and in the meantime you document every time he says he is at work and can't do childcare

People’s work rosters are not covered by the FOI Act 🤦‍♀️

really, crap! thankyou

someone else on this thread already came up with this bright idea.

this is not what an FOI request is for and his rota will not be provided to you under the FOIA (or the FOIA (Scotland) if the OP is located there).

Think about it - that would be a stalkers charter if it was and could put medics (and other government employees working for organisations to whom the Act applies) in danger.

Hi OP so sorry for your situation, it must be so frustrating and hurtful. Please if you haven't already, you must see a Solicitor. Some give a free half an hour but you may be eligible for financial help due to the children's disabilities and your current financial situation. You could check with your local Citizens Advice who may have a list of appropriate Solicitors and they may also be able to give you some advice on your legal position. Take care.