How to legally show a dr has lied about being ‘on call’

[PippaGreen28]

Is there a way to a) find out if an nhs consultant is ‘on call’ when he claims to be ( on the Fridays he is responsible for our two autistic children) and his justification for essentially denying me as a lone parent of two very complex autistic children a full weekend of respite a month? This prevents me from forming my own relationship whilst he has one, from getting any meaningful rest or catching up on essential admin /household work for the children. They are left waiting for him until their normal bedtime and he sees so little of them - my son is desperate for more time and needs it. Meanwhile he gets to control my life in this way by denying me any meaningful free time and gets to have his say in the children’s lives and education when he does not facilitate that even one day a week. After he decided to cull 3 days off his time with the children this long summer holiday to only taking off 5 days and dropping them back to me so he could have a relaxing weekend I was so furious I rang his hospital and asked who the doctor on call was in his department and they said there had been no doctor on call as far as they knew. I suspect he has been lying about this for a long time and it is evidence I need of how he uses his control over my free time to punish me or curtail my life but I don’t know how I can categorically or legally get this information definitively and how it might be used to help me and the children. I would hugely appreciate any advice. He is a covert narcissist and a chess player and thinks he has be in ‘ check mate’ he has refused all calls to spend more time with the kids, give me more respite and blocks anyone who advocates for me. Any advice from those with either legal knowledge or of the NHS system and ways I might confirm this?

So, on a Friday, is the schedule that he is meant to pick up from school? Or that he is meant to pick up from you earlier?

If the kids are both in a school on the Friday then I would try and vary the agreement so that he picks up from school. Maybe raise with school that the kids are very dysregulated between school and pickup by dad on his Fridays, and see if they would agree to suggest a school pickup to him. Let him try this “on call” shit with school…..

Wtf indeed!!! He is refusing to let her access the toilet??!!

My top tip is to get some decent counselling, these men dont change so you have to learn to change how you live with their awfulness

She was going on the floor etc so he gave her a potty. I don’t have one in the house and 70% of the time with lots of prompting and effort she uses the toilet but it’s hard. He refuses to get rid of the potty to use more prompting and persuading and not have it there at all. He shouted at me that it was worse for him as I didn’t have carpets. Well now I don’t as I had to rip them up

Well on that case, a potty is least of worries.
She is defecating/urinating on the floor at 7, and making no attempt to go to the loo?
Are you seeing the gp re this? What does ex say...as a health professional?

Put yourself at the centre op. There is nothing you can do about his awful behaviour, but you can prioritise your self care. Get a therapist, get a respite carer, prioritise yourself and screw this man child.

The children have complex needs.

You could each have got a carpet cleaning hoover instead?
It's a bit much getting mad at each other about this,.this is a child with profoundly complex needs and all you can do is each manage them in the best way you can

She is autistic so this is not as shocking as you believe however she needs help to get back on track not his enabling of regression

To be fair, op, only using the toilet 70% of the time is not great. If she’ll use a potty, why not?

That’s bollocks. FOIs must be in the public interest… not for a private dispute. And his work rota is confidential. Otherwise stalkers could request the work info of their victim!

OP All you can do is refuse to take them when he says he needs to give them back. You have to say you’re not available.

I’ve only read your posts, OP, but it’s hard.

My nephew (5) is severely autistic. Non-verbal, no sense of danger etc.

His dad is/was a police officer. He took my sister to court to try and get EOW (involving a 3 hour train journey to his house, or a 4.5 hour car journey to his mother’s) when DN (breastfed) was about 4 months old. Judge said no, ordered regular supervised contact. Her ex managed about 25% of the schedule, and went back to court to try for EOW again. Judge took a dim view and said if the EOW visits were too much with his shift pattern, he would change some of the contact to video calls. He frequently missed them. Judge held him to account at the 3rd hearing, and he said he had missed them for funerals and overtime and all manner of other excuses. Judge demanded proof. It was all lies. And he hadn’t declared the overtime to CMS. Still tried to argue for EOW. (By this point the ASD was becoming apparent, and sister had all manner of abusive texts from him saying she had made nephew that way.). Judge asked for a psych report and CAFCASS assessment.

Final hearing and he was still trying to demand EOW, hundreds of miles away for a child with additional needs that he had spent barely any time with. Psych report showed some concerns. Judge said no unsupervised visits anytime soon and he went mental. Got his entire family to send abusive letters and phone calls and messages to my sister. She sent them all on to her solicitor who sent him a letter demanding the harassment stop, and offering him the chance to give up his parental rights. Which he did.

Which is a long way of saying that Judges can and do consider the reliability of parents, especially where special needs are at play. The issue is he would need to initiate the court proceedings for you to try this approach. You stopping contact for a period of time may trigger him to do this.

You have completely misinterpreted what FOI covers.

OP clearly wants a whinge, and not guidance on what to do.

Knock yourself out.

I would apply to the court for an arrangements order. State that the father is not being consistent which is what the children need. You can also mention that you desperately need the respite yourself or to be able to make alternative arrangements if he doesn’t want/isnt able to support it.

He will either do what it orders or back down and not have them as much. Either way you get a consistent schedule.

If he insists on time that he then doesn’t stick to, you can go back and report him for breaching the order and have his time reduced/removed.

You can also ask the court for top up money on top of what CMS award for help with costs relating to disabilities - So he should contribute/cover the cost of support if the LA won’t cover it. They’ll look at both incomes/how much time is spent with both parents and decide what he should be paying.

Do a CMS claim at the same time as the court application. He’s employed, so you’ll get an award within about a month. By the time you get to court (6-9 months usually), the judge will be able to see what you earn, what he earns and what he contributes so there shouldn’t be a delay in deciding what else they can award.

If he steps up just because he doesn’t want to pay - Great, you’re getting respite, if he doesn’t, you should get the funds to get yourself some outside support.

When dealing with the court, do not go on and on about how you feel like you have posting here. It’s so difficult because you are dealing with this alone and lots of us have been in similar situation, so we get it - They will see you as boarding on unstable (especially if Cafcass get involved). It’s hard not to be emotional, but stay focused on the children and how his behaviour affects them - Lack of consistency is very difficult for them, routine is super important due to their needs. I really need some respite too. We just can’t seem to schedule that in and I just worry so much that I can’t be the best mum possible when there isn’t a set day/time for me to be able to recharge. I know that my ex can find it difficult as he works shifts on a rota and I would be happy to move my respite days to work in line with that, but a schedule is desperately needed and I would appreciate any help you can provide to help us achieve that.

It’s not a quick fix, but it will fix things in the long run and stop him controlling your life. X

You can’t force HIM to do it, you take him to CMS to get the money for both of them so you can afford baby sitters or carers. He doesn’t get to withhold your money.

He may have been on call, especially with the doctors strikes. You need a court visitation agreement like others suggest, speak to your own GP and the dc care workers to arrange emergency respite, do you get any help at all, are the dc at school.every day. How does the school manage the toilet.

There are last minute, rota swaps all the time. Won't necessarily be formally written down. Sometimes doctors arrange it between themselves and just avert the calls to the new person.

Covert narcissist bollocks aside (everyone is called a narc these days when they're actually not) i'm not sure there's anything you can do.

He doesn't want to look after the children. No court is going to force him. If he is a nhs consultant and won't have the children that surely entitles you to claim considerably more maintenance and you can spend that on some childcare?

Have you never been to court? Don't let him dictate. Take him to court, tell the judge what he has been doing. Only communicate with him through a parenting app. Don't get sucked into his shit. You would be better off getting this deadbeat Dad out of your life really. Child support isn't connected to contact. Report him for the maintenance and get them to recoup the money. Take a step back from this fucking loser.

Hospitals still use fax machines.

When my aunt was in a similar situation she sent a fax to her ex's office saying the money was late and saying how much it was.

@PippaGreen28 are you new to MN or have you name changed?
you have lots of issues going on and you probably could use some better ideas and support.

to answer your rota question; dr's tend to be workaholics and besides the usual on call rota often switch with other physicians. depending on the hospital sometimes a dr is on call for a nearby hospital not just the one he usually works in, they can also be second on call to assist with other physicians. if you are divorced some aspects of his job may have changed.

it really doesn't matter because you can't force a parent to parent and take on more time and responsibility.

sounds like your best bet is to request social service assistance with finding regular respite via a worker coming to your home or the children going somewhere for some days away.

But she can use/was using the loo before going to her dads op says.
I'd be wondering what's triggered this.

I am really sorry you are experiencing this. It's very difficult to arrange child contact with someone who works shifts. It means there's a constant source of conflict and you feel like they constantly have the upper hand. That feeling of powerlessness is awful.

The system is really unfair. You can't make him do anything. You can't make him be reasonable. I think accepting this is really important. If you keep fighting to change it, you will hurt yourself more and you won't achieve it. It's like you're fighting a brick wall and damaging your hands. Someone should make him step up and take responsibility. You aren't wrong to think he should be forced to do his part, but it won't happen.

If he's got a changing shift pattern you are unlikely to get a helpful child arrangements order, unless he has control over his working pattern. And even then there's nothing to stop him cancelling at the last minute. It may be worth getting legal advice to see what may be achievable.

It's worth going through CMA for maintenance. It takes away control for him and reduces the arguments and the sense that he's witholding information from you.

In my experience, respite care for children with disabilities is almost impossible to get. You may get help from social services but my experience is that people assume there is far more help available than there actually is. It is worth exploring though, as the amount of support available will vary from council to council.

It isn't fair that you don't have time for a relationship, or to yourself. It isn't fair. It's understandable that you are angry about it. And you probably don't have time or energy to do all the things which might make things easier, or to develop the support networks you so desperately need.

And your ex is completely getting away with it. He's not doing the hard work, he has it all his own way, he's lying to himself and everyone else about how he's a great dad. You love your children but chances are the majority of your time with them isn't 'rewarding' - it's drudgery. He's completely oblivious to the fact that he is a terrible person behaving badly. And he's making your already-impossible life harder. This is also unfair.

However, this is the situation you are in. Working out how to live with the life you have will be more beneficial in the long run. You are already living in this situation and wanting it to be different isn't serving you. Focus on what you have agency over. You are living your life with your children - make it work with the resources that you have.

Child support isn't connected to contact

What?

Absolutely is. If the dad has no contact at all or very little contact and no overnight contact mum gets more child support.

OP would only spend a fortune formalising contact via a contact order only for her ex to disregard it. It won’t compel him to have them. I think the issue here is OP views her exes contact as “respite” when contact is about parenting and facilitating a relationship with the other parent, rather than a service from one parent to the other for the sake of their mental health.

If the children are so demanding that OP requires respite, social services need to step in.