How to legally show a dr has lied about being ‘on call’

[PippaGreen28]

Is there a way to a) find out if an nhs consultant is ‘on call’ when he claims to be ( on the Fridays he is responsible for our two autistic children) and his justification for essentially denying me as a lone parent of two very complex autistic children a full weekend of respite a month? This prevents me from forming my own relationship whilst he has one, from getting any meaningful rest or catching up on essential admin /household work for the children. They are left waiting for him until their normal bedtime and he sees so little of them - my son is desperate for more time and needs it. Meanwhile he gets to control my life in this way by denying me any meaningful free time and gets to have his say in the children’s lives and education when he does not facilitate that even one day a week. After he decided to cull 3 days off his time with the children this long summer holiday to only taking off 5 days and dropping them back to me so he could have a relaxing weekend I was so furious I rang his hospital and asked who the doctor on call was in his department and they said there had been no doctor on call as far as they knew. I suspect he has been lying about this for a long time and it is evidence I need of how he uses his control over my free time to punish me or curtail my life but I don’t know how I can categorically or legally get this information definitively and how it might be used to help me and the children. I would hugely appreciate any advice. He is a covert narcissist and a chess player and thinks he has be in ‘ check mate’ he has refused all calls to spend more time with the kids, give me more respite and blocks anyone who advocates for me. Any advice from those with either legal knowledge or of the NHS system and ways I might confirm this?

Unfortunately, OP, you have to take all emotions out of this situation and just be logical and practical. As everyone says, you probably can't force a parent to see their children, but consultation with a solicitor will confirm your legal position.

If you need respite care and support with your children, find a relevant charity to advise you, and approach it from the angle that you are a single parent.

The on call stuff is irrelevant and proves nothing (even though consultants do sometimes have to be unofficially available for their patients).

As far as I am aware, you cannot force him to have the children, regardless of whether it is court dictated time or not.

The only thing you can do is ensure that the CM accurately reflects the actual amount of time that he has the children. So if he's getting a discount for having the children a certain number of days per year, that is removed if he doesn't have them for that amount. So document all the times he's cancelled contact.

Whether or not he's lying about his reasons for not having the children is irrelevant in a practical sense. He could simply not have them with no reason given. His parental responsibility does not get removed if he doesn't see them as much as you'd like, so he will still always get a say in decisions regarding the children.

Sadly the courts will allow this and many women continue to be controlled by their exes via the court. I would be so angry in your situation. A friend of mine who’s ex only has every other weekend had her ex take her to court and force the children to go to a school nearer him. Court agreed with him although she offered 10 other schools all within walking distance of her as primary carer. She now will have issues finding work due to the daily pick up/drop offs of which he does none. The court could not see how it was controlling or will ruin her life. I hope you can get some respite. Your ex sounds like a cunt and clearly thinks just because he is a Dr you still have to revolve around his schedule. What a terrible specimen of a father.

I've been where you are OP. Unfortunately you can't force him to stick to the agreed schedule, my ex changed his 'availability' constantly.

He now hasn't seen the kids at all in 18 months, after gradually fading out. It’s easier in some ways, as you know you're on your own with them 100% and he's not constantly disrupting your plans.

Stop flogging a dead horse and let the deadbeat drift away. Look into any respite you may be entitled to, through disability organisations/council/charities.

You start this thread claiming that you want him to see the children more and give you a chance to go out and find a new partner. Now you say you're thinking of stopping him seeing the children.

Not a good look.

I think by getting agreed days and times in writing will help. Then you can at least plan respite into the weekends he has them for part of the time.

Make sure you are claiming everything possible for the children, I’d get school to refer to SS to see if there is any funding for additional care.

How much is he paying towards contribution to the children’s care? Like others have said, is this more than CMS would allow? Get this amount negotiated (either through CMS or if getting more between yourselves) to be an appropriate amount for the days he actually does, not the days he pretends to do.

Take back control by not relying on him and creating a network of support around you.
What about grandparents? Friends? School friends parents etc?

Oh, fob off.
"It isn't a good look" to kick a woman who cares nearly solo for disabled children and is learning through this thread that the state and court won't do much for her.

The OP clearly wants clarity and predictability, wants to not be a victim of her EXes whims, and is exploring her options.

What everyone who has responded seems to have missed is that this mother, says this father, wants to be seen to be a good parent, so getting a child arrangements order in place may well be effective at controlling his laxity.

He'll want to present well to the court, and once an order is in place, the mother will be able to show exactly when she has had to step in when the father fails to take up contact, or cancels (outside court agreements don't allow for that). Then it's back to court for enforcement - which is a blight on the father's perception of himself as a parent. His ego probably wouldn't stand it.

All his failures will be recorded. The mother can then challenge any CMS calculation if the father fails to take the contact that is ordered.

And whilst it is not in the court's remit to force a parent to take up contact, they can certainly punish someone for breaching an order, and that includes the non-resident parent.

But the benefit to the mother here is a) a court order defining the time he has the children, b) creating a documented list of missed visits and c) changing the child maintenance payments if he doesn't have care of the kids when ordered.

To the OP: put your application in here: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

And if you have not already done so, apply for child maintenance here: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance

If your husband earns more than 156k per year (feasible if a consultant and also doing private work), then CMS only calculate up to that amount - so see a solicitor about a Schedule 1 claim instead. Your kids have additional needs, so there is potential for you to get extra this way to cater for their respite care.

If you believe you are being abused, then check Legal Aid here: www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

@PippaGreen28 yes is there anyway to get the court to 9rder him to pay for childcare when he misses his scheduled time?

No, this is not a thing.

All he legally has to pay is CMS.

That's terrible 😕. @PippaGreen28 you have to Letham go and get help from social services. Why can't you apply for cms to be removed from his pay directly?. Do you get DLA and carers allowance?.

I hope this is not legal,advice

What help would it be to know for certain he’s lied? Lying isn’t a criminal offence and he can refuse to see his children for any reason he chooses, unfortunately.

What’s the safeguarding issue?
If he isn’t having them due to claiming to be on call, they’re not in any danger? He isn’t leaving them with anyone else who isn’t capable of meeting their needs.
It sucks for you, but you really can’t force this, sadly. He has no enforceable legal obligation to see his kids.

I don’t understand what you would achieve. Lying isn’t illegal. Not seeing your children isn’t illegal. I sympathise with your plight but your energy is focused on the wrong thing. You need to see your GP, CAMH’s and call social services. Tell them you are nearing crisis and NEED respite. My husbands son gets absolutely loads of respite during his Mum’s time because his Mum has been very vocal. It’s appalling how little some people get in comparison.

He wants to have his cake and eat it doesn't he? See the kids but only on his terms, when it suits him? I agree with those who are saying that you need a consistent arrangement and it sounds as if you'll have to go to court for that.
In all likelihood he will be on call on some Fridays and also some weekends but unless he is in a tiny specialty in a small hospital it's unlikely to be as frequent as once a month and there will be some flexibility. He's not special. Juggling on call and family life is par for the course for thousands and thousands of doctors and millions of other people who work antisocial hours in their jobs. Most of us don't have the luxury of shrugging our shoulders and pretending our children don't exist when we're working. (Well, not most of us who have 2 X chromosomes anyway.)
He needs to do the same as every other doctor who also has caring responsibilities and put in rota requests, ask colleagues to swap, get a nanny or similar. It's not rocket science, but it does take effort and by the sounds of things, for as long as you don't have a court ordered arrangement and he can get away with it, he won't bother to make that effort.

This. It might make a difference, it might not.....but he won't get any satisfaction out of playing games. Next time he says he can't have them make out that that's the best thing ever and you were hoping he'd say that.

Hi op,
just to clarify how is he controlling you? Is it ‘just’ by not giving your respite, or is he doing anything else that is coercing you like stopping you move nearer family help or something?
With no court order you don’t have to facilitate any contact, but you’d be shooting yourself in the foot I guess as you’d have no break at all.
if you want to eg move to Dubai where you can get live in help and he refuses, you’d have a strong case. Could you tell him you’re considering doing this unless he commits to more consistent time with the kids? If he refuses in writing it would help you (if you actually want to?)
otherwise all you can do is spend the child maintenance /DLA on respite care /babysitting or hand your kids over to the social care system where they’d be out in residential schools which I assume you’d be too caring and protective to do (no judgement to those who are forced to do this)

Ps - if you stopped contact and you force him to take you to court, he could pretend he wants 5050, get given it, effectively stopping his child maintenance, and then never show up to do this 5050. It only really helps the non resident parent to go to court

No he is having them but not arriving until their bedtime on a Friday which with my children means I have hours of deregulation after school on what should be his Friday and it takes me until Saturday lunchtime to vaguely get on top of mounds of lanundry and cleaning made worse in his insistence on using a potty with my 7 year old who shares a room with her 10 year old brother. She was toileting normally and then she goes to his and when she comes back to me I have 2 weeks of cleaning up oo and had to rip up my carpets they are so soaked in urine. So as a lone parent of two complex kids ( haven’t even started about my son) I essentially get one full day off and one night every 2 weeks I have no family to help me. Denied social services help twice . He has a job and a relationship. I have no life as I have no time or energy for anyone. He meters out my dates and times .

He claims to be constantly working and have no time to spend additionally with children but can attend any school meeting at any time or school viewing as he likes to have his say and to appear the professional father. My son adores him and he gets precious time with him I don’t as he is well rested . This summer he took it upon himself to cull three days off the 10 he had originally granted. For bad behaviour no doubt. He had previously withheld money for the same reason. He then writes me emails setting out my dates and is patronising and entitled. I adore my children but they need incredibly intense parenting and he is leaving them with a very unhappy mother who is operating at a much lesser capacity than she would otherwise want ( still I am the one who has got them out doing every thing and anything , riding bikes, swimming etc ) I spend my life cleaning up poo and dealiinf with intense emotions and I need a break and some adult relationships not to mention someone to support me when I am sick. I had cellulitis in both my legs a couple of weeks ago and he would not offer any additional help and he specialises in skin disorder. So we have no one and he is creating this situation of isolation .

All you can do is OP is go to court, get a firm schedule for contact agreed and apply for CMS on that basis- unless he already pays beyond what CMS would make him pay. He can still fail to turn up for contact though, nothing will ever change that.

All you can hope you get is potentially more money in CMS if he has them less time but there’s absolutely nothing whatsoever you can do to make him take those kids for more time.

Why is social services denying you help?. That is very strange. You have 2 disabled children. I would focus your energy on getting help from them honestly. Tell them you are at your wits end and are thinking of putting them I care. You can't force him to do anything.

Don’t feel like you can depend on him for anything. You can legally reduce time he spends with them, but there’s nothing you can do to increase/enforce time he spends with them. You’re better off putting your energy into :

1. getting support for yourself through social services/your GP/charities
2. Ensuring you’re getting the max CMS from him you’re entitled to, to facilitate some time out for you

made worse in his insistence on using a potty with my 7 year old who shares a room with her 10 year old brother.

I think we should focus on this a bit more. Because, WTF?