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Original poster

How to legally show a dr has lied about being ‘on call’

119 replies

PippaGreen28 · 18/08/2025 21:01

Is there a way to a) find out if an nhs consultant is ‘on call’ when he claims to be ( on the Fridays he is responsible for our two autistic children) and his justification for essentially denying me as a lone parent of two very complex autistic children a full weekend of respite a month? This prevents me from forming my own relationship whilst he has one, from getting any meaningful rest or catching up on essential admin /household work for the children. They are left waiting for him until their normal bedtime and he sees so little of them - my son is desperate for more time and needs it. Meanwhile he gets to control my life in this way by denying me any meaningful free time and gets to have his say in the children’s lives and education when he does not facilitate that even one day a week. After he decided to cull 3 days off his time with the children this long summer holiday to only taking off 5 days and dropping them back to me so he could have a relaxing weekend I was so furious I rang his hospital and asked who the doctor on call was in his department and they said there had been no doctor on call as far as they knew. I suspect he has been lying about this for a long time and it is evidence I need of how he uses his control over my free time to punish me or curtail my life but I don’t know how I can categorically or legally get this information definitively and how it might be used to help me and the children. I would hugely appreciate any advice. He is a covert narcissist and a chess player and thinks he has be in ‘ check mate’ he has refused all calls to spend more time with the kids, give me more respite and blocks anyone who advocates for me. Any advice from those with either legal knowledge or of the NHS system and ways I might confirm this?

OP posts:
JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 19/08/2025 08:21

If he withholds money then go down the route of claiming it directly from his payslip. That will only be the minimum amount - but I’m guessing he isn’t the over paying type anyway!

You can’t force him to be a good dad. The only thing you can do is stop playing his games.

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 08:21

You can’t make him have them. I’m sorry.

are you divorced?

Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:23

Can I not take him to court? His claiming to be on call is also if true , a safeguarding issue as he clearly has not backup plan for two vulnerable children who have complex needs and cannot be left in anyone’s care without lots of preparation. How can he be responsible for the children fully and also to the nhs?

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:24

If I stop him seeing the children then he would have to take me to court? Will I have to do it like that?

OP posts:
Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 08:26

Are you divorced?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 19/08/2025 08:26

Sorry but I think you’re completely clouding the issue with the on-call aspect. He isn’t breaking any rules or laws by pretending to work, sorry if that’s something you were hanging on to. Morally, it’s something else, but he isn’t doing anything of note legally. You can’t take him to court for anything here.

File with the CMS if you haven’t already, updated to reflect the hours he actually has them.

He isn’t going to have them; asking him to is giving him control. As others have said, plan your hours yourself and take back control.

ohbee · 19/08/2025 08:29

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:24

If I stop him seeing the children then he would have to take me to court? Will I have to do it like that?

What makes you think he would take you to court?

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 08:31

Is stopping him seeing the children going to upset the children?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/08/2025 08:32

Isn't he refusing to have the children when he's on call? Isn't that the issue. In which case there's no safeguarding problem.

You can get a contact order however all that does is mean you have to make the children available, he doesn't have to have them so how would it benefit you?

Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:35

He wants to see them and to be seen as a doting father he just doesn’t want to do any more than the bare minimum and thinks he gets to dictate dates and times

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:35

Yes we are divorced.

OP posts:
OpheliaNightingale · 19/08/2025 08:35

@PippaGreen28hi Pippa, I haven’t read what others have posted, but a Freedom of Information request to the NHS trust might give you the information you need.

Other than that, what I would do in your situation is get as much child support as possible and use that to make your life as easy as possible. For example, hire all the help you can, pay for things that help you relax.

Don’t forget to claim DLA if you haven’t already as that will also help.

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 08:38

OpheliaNightingale · 19/08/2025 08:35

@PippaGreen28hi Pippa, I haven’t read what others have posted, but a Freedom of Information request to the NHS trust might give you the information you need.

Other than that, what I would do in your situation is get as much child support as possible and use that to make your life as easy as possible. For example, hire all the help you can, pay for things that help you relax.

Don’t forget to claim DLA if you haven’t already as that will also help.

On what planet is an foi request going to name an individual doctor and give their rota?

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 08:39

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:23

Can I not take him to court? His claiming to be on call is also if true , a safeguarding issue as he clearly has not backup plan for two vulnerable children who have complex needs and cannot be left in anyone’s care without lots of preparation. How can he be responsible for the children fully and also to the nhs?

What would your end goal be in court? He can just say he doesn’t want to have them, or can’t have them, and court will say okay no problem.

Or he can say he wants X contact, court will say you have to make them available for contact, but he could still cancel or fail to turn up, nothing court can do.

Neither option is going to give you any more help from him with your kids.

Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:45

I cannot believe that an ex husband can be allowed to dictate the life of his former partner in this way through his children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:46

I should have some rights over my life and he should not be allowed to dictate to
me in this way causing harm to his children and to me

OP posts:
Original poster
PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:46

And i do not have the money for all the alternatives you give me / who does?

OP posts:
Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 08:50

Unfortunately the law is what it is.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 19/08/2025 08:52

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:24

If I stop him seeing the children then he would have to take me to court? Will I have to do it like that?

If you stop him seeing the children then yes , he would have to go to court and request visitation. That could be every weekend, EOW, or even 50/50. The issue is, he doesn’t actually have to have them. You just need to make sure the children are available to him when he is supposed to have them. Sure, after a while you could go back to court and request an amendment and show that he lets them down/doesn’t show up, but he’ll still get some visitation if he wants it and he still doesn’t have to show up for it. That’s a lot of time, money and hassle for not a lot.

Money wise, go through CMS unless he pays A LOT more than they would award you. Even so, stop and think whether that amount of money is worth putting up with his shit, and if it is, sadly that’s the crap situation you are in and you’ll just have to make the best of it.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/08/2025 08:54

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:46

I should have some rights over my life and he should not be allowed to dictate to
me in this way causing harm to his children and to me

My advice is stop fighting him. Bore him out of it, don't show any irritation over changes he makes. He wants to upset you so just don't let him get to you. You can't make him have the children you can only get forced to make them available. Get smarter at playing him so whatever changes he wants works for you for whatever reason you can think of, if he says he can't have the children due to work you simply say something like thank God for that you've given me the perfect excuse to cancel x, I wasn't looking forward to it. Take away not his power as such but take away him thinking he's winning.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 08:56

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:46

I should have some rights over my life and he should not be allowed to dictate to
me in this way causing harm to his children and to me

Unfortunately there’s really nothing you can do.

Nobody, no court, is going to force him to do childcare. He doesn’t have to.

If that is what you want you’re not going to get it, so the way you take back control is to sort out alternative childcare arrangements.

As I say you can take him to court if you want, he can either say he will never have him and you can formalise that in court, or he can say he wants e.g. 2 days a month, formalise that, but then he could still cancel and not turn up- nothing you can do to force him.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 19/08/2025 08:57

What is your preferred outcome here (given you can’t force him to have the children)

Set hours of contact?
No contact? (Would this be in the best interest of the children?)
Not having to deal with him regarding money? (You can use CMS collect and pay service)
Contact only using a parenting app?

A court order can only say that he can have access to the children say every other Saturday / Sunday. It can’t actually make him turn up and collect them.

MissyB1 · 19/08/2025 09:01

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:09

How do I remove him from the situation unless I refuse his financial contribution as he will withhold it if I am difficult as he has done this in the past? Carr for my kids can be is around £30
per child per hour!

Maintenance payments and contact are two totally separate things, he still has to pay towards his kids whether he sees them or not.

londongirl12 · 19/08/2025 09:02

Ok Op, take a deep breath. You’re angry and rightly so.
start from the beginning. Does he pay you maintenance each month? Is that agreed by yourselves or through Child support? What is your agreed contact? Where does he see the kids?

MissyB1 · 19/08/2025 09:04

PippaGreen28 · 19/08/2025 08:35

He wants to see them and to be seen as a doting father he just doesn’t want to do any more than the bare minimum and thinks he gets to dictate dates and times

Get official court ordered contact arrangements, he can still refuse to have them, but at least there would be a specified time he’s supposed to have them. Don’t allow him to dictate.