Ex said he is taking me to court - I'm scared

[Zoeishere81]

I've been spilt with my ex for a year now.
We share a 5 DD.
We were together 8 years, the relationship was emotionally abusive and became physical.
Despite the physical abuse I never called the police on him (stupid I know) but I did record him once threatening to kill me and cut my throat.
I left him in may last year after a verbal arguement and my neighbours called the police.
At this point I had enough and ended the relationship. SS got involved and deemed it low level and left it at that (I never told them the full truth as I knew the relationship was done and was petrified)

Anyway, my ex had contact with our DD at his mother's house for 6 months, then in December he started to have contact on his own.
He has always been bad with contact, letting us down, not doing what he said he would, he's never been an active/involved parent even when we were together I always felt like a single mother. I have kept proof of everything in terms of contact.
The problems began when he got a new GF she has 2 DS and had SS involved previously because of her ex.
He started to demand our DD so he can take her out with the boys "because they wanted to see her"
We live in Kent, he is in Surrey he doesn't drive the journey is 3 hours there and back he only has her for 6 hours on a Sunday (if he turns up on time) and I said I didn't think it was fair to do that to her, all that travel so to keep it local for the time being until he was able to have her at his mum's house again (she's having work done at the home)
This caused him to "back off" he started to demand my daughter on days he knew wouldn't work and when I said "no" he said I was stopping contact, I gave him alternatives but he ignored them.
Then 3 weeks ago, he had a fight with a stranger, a mutual friend witnessed it and told me it was quite brutal, the poor man didn't stand a chance and he thought my ex killed him (drunken night out)
I said to my ex because of this could we use a contact centre - he refused and then started blackmailing me saying if I didn't let him see his daughter he would stop paying for her (he doesn't pay that often anyway, maybe once a month)
He also threatened me, threatening to "snap me down" in a text and come to my house and just take her (he's on the birth certificate)
Anyway he has now said he's taking me to court and I'm really worried.
I know I should have said about the abuse.
My friends don't think he will and is just threatening me as he doesn't have the money or will power but I think now he has a gf behind him he will.

What will happen

Orrrr he will just come and physically assault you, and take her.

you need an order of protection, and a child arrangement order. Is there actual evidence of his violence, criminal record etc? If so then that will help when it comes to having to see the child through a supervised setting.

You also need to contact your local child protection agency, and mention his contact with girlfriends children too as they may also be at risk

@Dodgejam he has an address, his gf house he could also use his mother's, he is withholding so he makes it harder for CMS.
He earns cash in hand again for a reason, he deliberately switched to cash in hand to avoid CMS. He's worked for the same company for years (family friends)

I'm sure HMRC would love to know about that.

Exactly

so much to report
the fraud AND the violent attack!

@Dodgejam because I'm worried, he's an accomplished liar and will lie to get what he wants.
I'm drained and tired of this man, all I have done is try to set boundaries (which some he has stuck to, not been to my home in 8 months)

I've read enough court stories, and not all go in the woman's favour.
So please ease off

Kipping with his new girlfriend (he won’t be on the council tax there or any of the utilities and she won’t have declared to DWP that another adult in the property) because he was kicked out of previous (why?)? does not constitute a permanent address Op.

@RedToothBrush @Dodgejam I did report to both, benefit fraud and HMRC. Both 6 months investigations.

Anyway without knowing why you are so concerned about court, it is difficult to really help op

Ok so in that case, take the win that he’s changed his number.

It doesn’t look like he is keen on arranging contact

And that 6 hour round trip…. Well someone like this too lazy to do that very often anyway

@Dodgejam I think I've already said that - in original post.
If I bring up the abuse now, I'd be made to look a liar even though I have some proof.
Like I said ease off - your the only one digging it this

You can't set boundaries with this man UNLESS you go to court.

Thats your ultimate problem and you need to recognise this. It gives you power back rather than this constant appeasement and passiveness you have got into the habit of.

You have proof. Its either proof or its not proof. If you have proof, you can prove you are not a liar.

You have a whole catalogue of things to raise here, not just one aspect of the relationship and your ongoing contact with him.

You said you had been recording all of this. Why do you think thats important? Why do you think its irrelevant?

Of course he's going to accuse you of lying. Are you going to just passively accept where you are now? Cos he won't stop until you stand up to him and the best way to do that is to call his bluff, and let him take you to court if he has a problem.

Also, you NEED to get proper legal advice, if only to reassure you that everything said he is true and he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oh now I recall your other threads

you are waiting for the outcome?

@Dodgejam what other threads I signed up today

@RedToothBrush yes I have a free 30 mins call with a solicitor booked in next Tuesday.

@Boreded yes, he has previous on records, arrested twice for GBH but not charged (not with me, fighting with men in the street) and also from when he was late tens early adult.

The police came to my home last year verbal arguement but it was bad so that is also on record

This is good. The more he has on file the easier it will be to be believed. All you need to do it keep telling the truth and keep banging the drum for your kid’s safety.

Get the book family court without a lawyer by Lucy reed. It’s a brilliant book and explains the process. I found it incredibly helpful.

Court is a long process. You accuse him of abuse and say kids not safe with him unsupervised. He denies it. You then have a fact finding hearing to determine the truth. Even if they find him guilty of abuse they will allow contact so be prepared for that. But it will start slow and gradually increase. Lots of time for him to get board and give up. Stand your ground and drag it out and expect to loose. But at the end you get a court order that sets out contact. He can’t then steal your dd because you can call the police and have dd returned if he keeps her past his court ordered contact. You don’t have to negotiate contact with him and he looses all power because you just respond to his messages you will stick to court order then ignore him. No matter what he then does (because they do escalate!) you grey rock him and don’t react.

I went through hell with my ex. fought all the way through court because I knew if I didn’t try I wouldn’t be able to face my children when they ask me why I sent them or why I didn’t fight. And already kids ask why they have to go and I say mummy and daddy couldn’t agree so a judge decided and I have no choice. And my ex fought to look good while he had a new partner and she and his mum would do all contact not him (fucking idiot never had them alone so why he had to fight me for that I don’t know because I’d have agreed to his mum supervising. She didn’t even supervise she did the contact for him so my kids were mostly safe anyway). After his gf and mum stepped back (I don’t know what happened but guess they realised he was taking the piss and maybe just maybe I had a point he’s not a safe man) anyway now no one else will do contact for him he only has the kids when his gf will do it. He cancels half the time. He still threatening court all the time but I’m not scared because I can evidence he doesn’t have half the contact he has already so why should he have more. Plus my kids are older so if he takes me to court I will freshly accuse him of abuse and caffcass will speak with my kids who will give dambing evidence against him. But I’m not scared because that court order protects us and I know he can’t act on his threats and keep the kids because the police will return them if he keeps them and I’m not scared of court because I can prove he hasn’t used the contact he has not.

ex shot himself in the foot taking me to court. I was scared of his threats but now I’m not. I used to have to negotiate with him re contact but now I don’t. He lost ALL his power.

so call his bluff. Let him take you to court. And expect to loose because the family court system serves men and abusers not the children. But by fighting you show him you won’t be cowed. And once you have a court order you have protection from mind games and don’t have to engage with him.

many men use court to financially abuse. Because it costs thousands if you get legal representation. So read that book. I very quickly learnt I could do the job of the solicitor much better because I knew the case and used books to help me navigate the process. I do recommend getting a barrister for the fact finding and final hearing- only those not every hearing. Let him waste his money and come out without anything to show for it. He already doesn’t have the contact you offer you don’t need to be scared. 10 years ago my ex spent over £15k trying to cow me and I spent £5K on my barrister that I actually didn’t need but felt I did at the time because court it terrifying. If my ex took me back I would self represent and spend nothing while he wracks up more debt trying to ‘win’.

honestly. He wants you scared and giving in. Don’t let him see your fear. Don’t worry he can’t take dd. He can’t even get 50/50 because of the distance. Grey rock the fucker and he will love on once it’s not satisfying for him anymore. There are easier victims and if his gf gets pregnant it will be her he focused on not you

@Burntt thank you.
I haven't heard from him so I'm not sure what he's really thinking, apart from refusing to pay for our DD, he said he wouldn't give me a penny I'm not going to fight him on this, I haven't the energy no more. If he does take me to court he can explain why he didn't want to pay for his daughter, I'm sure that will go down well......

I'm leaving him be, see what happens but I'm not giving him no power no more or playing into his toxic hands
My DD doesn't ask about him and I don't mention him no more, I don't bad mouth him either - I won't do that to her.

What was the outcome of the fraud investigation?

@Blinkagain no outcome I only reported 2 months ago when he switched to cash in hand
In march

Are you sure you have not posted before?

this OP also reported ex a couple of
Months ago for benefit fraud

and he was also paying £560 a month for a studio like yours was!

This one

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5258486-benefit-fraud-blocking-child-maintenance