Ex said he is taking me to court - I'm scared

[Zoeishere81]

I've been spilt with my ex for a year now.
We share a 5 DD.
We were together 8 years, the relationship was emotionally abusive and became physical.
Despite the physical abuse I never called the police on him (stupid I know) but I did record him once threatening to kill me and cut my throat.
I left him in may last year after a verbal arguement and my neighbours called the police.
At this point I had enough and ended the relationship. SS got involved and deemed it low level and left it at that (I never told them the full truth as I knew the relationship was done and was petrified)

Anyway, my ex had contact with our DD at his mother's house for 6 months, then in December he started to have contact on his own.
He has always been bad with contact, letting us down, not doing what he said he would, he's never been an active/involved parent even when we were together I always felt like a single mother. I have kept proof of everything in terms of contact.
The problems began when he got a new GF she has 2 DS and had SS involved previously because of her ex.
He started to demand our DD so he can take her out with the boys "because they wanted to see her"
We live in Kent, he is in Surrey he doesn't drive the journey is 3 hours there and back he only has her for 6 hours on a Sunday (if he turns up on time) and I said I didn't think it was fair to do that to her, all that travel so to keep it local for the time being until he was able to have her at his mum's house again (she's having work done at the home)
This caused him to "back off" he started to demand my daughter on days he knew wouldn't work and when I said "no" he said I was stopping contact, I gave him alternatives but he ignored them.
Then 3 weeks ago, he had a fight with a stranger, a mutual friend witnessed it and told me it was quite brutal, the poor man didn't stand a chance and he thought my ex killed him (drunken night out)
I said to my ex because of this could we use a contact centre - he refused and then started blackmailing me saying if I didn't let him see his daughter he would stop paying for her (he doesn't pay that often anyway, maybe once a month)
He also threatened me, threatening to "snap me down" in a text and come to my house and just take her (he's on the birth certificate)
Anyway he has now said he's taking me to court and I'm really worried.
I know I should have said about the abuse.
My friends don't think he will and is just threatening me as he doesn't have the money or will power but I think now he has a gf behind him he will.

What will happen

@Theunamedcat no he never got involved in the school process, never looked at the application form, he doesn't know what school my daughter will attend in September, and I have no intention of putting him on the contact list, it's pointless as he wouldn't collect anyway due to distance and work commitments.

It costs quite a lot of money to take someone to court. Does your ex have 15-20k? If not it’s unlikely he could afford to take you to court.

@80smonster no he doesn't, he couldn't pay £560 a month rent. He got evicted 7 weeks ago.
He said he would self represent however I doubt that also

I don’t suspect you’ve got much to worry about. He sounds absolutely insane. Sorry you are going through this.

Why are you so reluctant to go to court op?

and say I was harassing him that's why I changed it.

why are you instigating any kind of contact op? Why do you seem to want your child to have access to someone who sounds utterly useless?

All these mutual friends involved, whether telling us out the attack or change in number or a view on court.

as for the brutal attack… police involved?

Have you looked at going to police about coercive control?(Never ever let him know this is a possibility for your own safety). Talk to a women's aid charity about your situation.

Genuinely if he only has the ability to self represent in court, he's a) using it as a way to control you b) isn't that serious about going to court c) is unlikely to get very far if he did go to court.

He'll only be allowed regular contact on set pre agreed days, it'd be his responsibility to organise transport not yours, if he doesn't keep up with payments it's going to make him look like he's not responsible, his threats and behaviour lend themselves only to ever getting supervised visits at a contact centre, he has no ability to facilitate over night contact.

Wrong thread

@RedToothBrush he has changed his number
he has stopped engaging with the op

whilst he sounds a useless twat of a parent, I don’t see much coercive control here. I say a lazy parent and for some reason the op is pursuing contact

If that's the case, why is the OP worried about any of his threats to go to court or to her person?

@Dodgejam there is one mutual friend involved not multiple.
And no, if you read my post it was a night out the police as far as I know where not involved.

That is baffling no police involvement given a brutal attack and seems known that your ex was the perpetuator.

so same mutual friend told you that witnessed the attack (but didn’t call the police?) also told you that ex had changed number is the same friend that thinks he’s bluffing about court?

either way op…. If you can’t contact him, why be bothered?

@Dodgejam it was a fight, a drunken night out, everyone ran away from what I heard, I doubt his friend (who became mine through his gf, now ex) would have stayed to call the police.
I've never mentioned that out mutual friend has said he's buffling about court, I said MY friends. Yes he told me that he's changed his number, as I asked him if he did and he said yes.

I'm bothered as this is my life, I honestly thought from leaving this man my life would approve, it seems the control has gotten worse

The concern about him going to court doesn’t make sense.

Surely it will absolutely work in your favour OP?

in your shoes, I would be pursuing this in the court

But now he’s changed his number
it doesn’t look like he’s wanting contact

and in the meantime op, you progress court

Then 3 weeks ago, he had a fight with a stranger, a mutual friend witnessed it and told me it was quite brutal, the poor man didn't stand a chance and he thought my ex killed him (drunken night out)

on the basis of this, I would be jumping for joy he has changed his number and doesn’t appear to want to engage

Just keep a record and no need to be scared of this awful man at all any more. He probably won't even follow up on it by the sounds of him!

@RedToothBrush thank you. No, but I did look up financial abuse, and this may sit. He told me I'm not getting a penny and if it takes 2 years in court then he won't pay until then.
He works cash in hand and gets benefits so I don't currently get a penny, it's all on the mercy of this man.

I don't drive and neither does he, I couldn't afford a car so had to sell for extra money.
Collecting and drop off is all on him.

Id be happy for my DD to stay at her PGM if needs be, if we went to court I'd want that in the order, but to share a room or sleep on the sofa that wouldn't be fair..

You really really don’t want to address why you don’t want to go to court when will patently go in your favour if the above is all accurate

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/criminal-law-information/coercive-control-and-the-law/
This is the best overview I could find which explains well.

Have a read, there's certainly a few things that make me wonder in your case.

If there's history of DV you should contact the police and report the previous incidents. It's never too late.
And although you might get no further action for everything it wouldn't make you look like a liar.

Family court is not black and white you could get a judge who believes 50/50 no matter the cost to the child it's a gamble

i would say that if you have invited him to mediation 3 times, and offered contact in a contact centre- both of which he has refused; you are well within your rights to withhold contact, based on his unpredictable violence, until he makes an application through the court. I wouldn’t mediate with this person, and would only engage with him via a parenting app.
I would also strongly advise you to get some legal advice, so you are armed and ready if he does bother with a court application. Don’t think he will though. Or will start the court process, realise he can’t “win” and slink off.

But in this case, very very unlikely. 6 hour round trip and he has no permanent address and no employment.