Childrens contact with father

[AmberV]

I have posted on here previously. I currently have a non-molestation order in place against H for emotional abuse to myself and two children and also physical abuse to our son age 9.

My solicitor is asking what I want in terms of contact. Ideally, I would want him to have no contact whatsoever with either of them, but he is saying this is unlikely to get approved. He says however that if I agreed that dad can have contact, because the children are aged 11 and 9 if they didn’t want to see their dad then they can say they don’t want to and they won’t have to be forced to.

My son does not want to see his dad however my daughter would like to have contact. I just don’t know how this will work. Will this make my son feel even worse because my daughter is seeing the dad?
Would you do a contact centre
arrangement for our daughter and her dad?

I know what will happen. Dad will lavish gifts on daughter and take her to fancy places to still get back at our son and almost let him know what he’s missing out on. He will twist it round to everyone that ‘oh it’s not me I’ve done nothing wrong because my daughter still wants to see me it’s just my son that feels hard done by.’ I know this is how he’s going to put it to people.

He is not right in the head, he has no conscience for what he’s done, no remorse, no empathy, still trying to blame everyone else for his behaviour.

As yet I have not pressed charges against him, would that be another option and would that mean he has no contact? This option would also affect us financially as if charged he would lose his job and not be able to provide child maintenance.

Please advise, I need help

Can I just add re your Dd .. it took me till I was about 40 to stop craving my parents love .

what your Dd doesn’t understand at this age is the risk to her .

Also be aware if you do allow contact other than court appointed contact this can be considered you failing to safeguard your DC .

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Regarding legal aid, look into whether the property can be shown to constitute ‘trapped capital’, because you can still qualify in those circumstances

Have you looked at McKenzie friends.. they are cheaper than a solicitor so will help with the costs. But you will have to manage letters etc yourself.

Big hugs.

Thanks so much all of you, I will look into legal aid again.

Starlightstarbright4 I know what you’re saying, he has completely groomed her. She has blocked out any painful memories she has of him, even letters she wrote she denies ever having written them, she’s said it’s just too painful to remember. That really worries me how she’s buried everything so deep

I just read this on google, it seems like legal aid might be possible that’s not means tested in cases that show child abuse.

I don’t see why me and the children should be worse off financially because of his disgusting behaviour. I’m not letting this go regardless of legal aid or not though.

Yes, legal aid is often not means-tested when there's evidence of child abuse or when a child is involved in care proceedings. This means that your income and assets don't affect your eligibility for legal aid in these situations.

Elaboration:
Care Proceedings:
If social services have started investigating a child's safety or made an application to the court (e.g., for a care order), parents and those with parental responsibility automatically qualify for legal aid, regardless of their financial situation.

Child Protection:
Legal aid is also available when a child is placed on a child protection plan.

Means Test Exceptions:
The means test is waived in these cases, meaning your income and assets don't affect your eligibility.

Evidence Required:
You'll need to provide evidence that the child is involved in social services' proceedings, such as a copy of the letter before proceedings.

@Walkerzoo CP is a self publicist. Well known but she’s ultra expensive. She’s not really teaching litigants in person to do without barristers or she wouldn’t get hired.

I absolutely think that abusive partners and those in particular who are abusive in front of/to their children are not entitled to then force them into spending time with them. You say one parent doesn’t get to make these decisions over the other, but sometimes the situation is that only one parent actually cares about their children’s safety and well-being.

well unfortunatley when 2 people decide to have a child/ren and one parent is useless etc. sadly the children are stuck in the middle and have to be dragged through the court system one parent demanding what they want doesnt always work

No it doesn’t always work, but as a decent parent, you try for them. It’s not about controlling what access a “useless etc” parent has, it’s about protecting them from one who will hurt them or use them as a tool to hurt you.

Renabrook Have you actually bothered to read this thread? I am not a parent who’s fed up with her husband and thinking I know what I’ll do I’ll take away his access to the children.

It’s not even about the 19 years of psychological cruelty that I have endured or the 9 and 11 years the children have endured.

What it fundamentally is, is my husband physically and after seeing the counsellors report possibly sexually abusing our 9 year old son. So would you willingly let your husband see the child?? Or like me, would you let the authorities decide what that looks like. Don’t go mouthing off before you read the facts. I am going through more than enough right now with two children with suicidal thoughts due to the action of their father.

I had the return hearing yesterday and the judge upheld the non molestation order and occupation order and increased it from 6 months to 12 months. She said that the father was to have no contact for that tear except for text messaging via a parenting app monitored by the court, this would also be on my phone so I would have control of what times the children see that. As last year when he moved out, he was messaging the children late at night which was upsetting them before bed or early in the morning when I was trying to get them ready for school

that’s a great update! i hope you feel better now that is in place. i had the messaging late and while getting ready for school nonsense too. i’ve set up do not disturb on their phones and turn them off as well but mine are older and more attached to their phones.
don’t be surprised if he goes to family court for contact but you have overwhelming evidence of his behaviour and risks and that non mol is going to be helpful too.

It can't be a surprise a child has 2 parents and the children have a right to both parents, one parent can't pick and choose what happens

As one child does not want to see a parent the could could order mediation so orders can be made in the best interest of a child or children

A father just doesn't dissapear because a mother wants them too, you both chose to have children so the legal system has to work within that choice

@Swannseethis particular father has been abusive, has assaulted the boy more than once, scape goating him in favour of the daughter (which is emotional abuse of both children) and he is displaying red flags for sexual abuse risks.
for a judge to order as they have i think they are aware the risk this man poses to the OP and the children is high.

@Swannsee You are missing the whole point and need to get your facts straight. I as the parent am not deciding the extent of contact the father has. I have raised the matter with the court who based on the evidence shown said he was to have only text message contact. If he does make a child arrangement order then I will provide the evidence I have, get cafcass and the relevant authorities involved and let THEM decide what contact looks like for him. All I am trying to do is protect my children.

OP that is amazing. And yes it is crazy that as a mother you get criticism for trying to protect children.

But that is a great result

What really angers me about the family court is that a parent can decide that they don’t want to have any contact with a child and the court won’t force it, yet they force a scared and distressed child to have contact with an abuser. Of course these situations need to be assessed and protective measures put in place, but it’s never for long and most of these kids are being completely ignored, regardless of how valid their fears are. It’s an unfair system that ultimately lets the abusive parent decide on whether contact happens. These posters that come on here directing their comments of “One parent does not get to decide if their children can have a relationship with both parents or not” at the parent who is trying to protect their children do not understand that this exact decision is absolutely down to one parent - The abusive one!

If the abusive parent genuinely gave a shit about showing up and caring for their kids, they wouldn’t be abusive to begin with.

@AmberV The family court looks at both sides and it can have extensive reports. It also depends what the abuse is. No case is identical to another one. Plus parents cannot insist the other parent cannot see dc. There are various ways some contact can be maintained and sometimes it’s very limited. Like most evaluations there’s mistakes made. The courts don’t like parents alienating dc from the other parent either. Men do this if wife has mental health issues for example. Women won’t let dc see their fathers - just examples. No doubt there are improvements needed and not all judgements make total sense but overall the needs of dc are put first.