Page 11 | DS 13 being moved to new foster placement and me not being contacted

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 2024-10-28T12:52:10+00:00

My DS has been in foster care for a year and we knew he was going to be moved. Social services haven't contacted me or the present foster carers, they rang DS yesterday and are picking him up today to take him God knows where. As the only reason he's in foster care is bc I'm a widowed parent, in work and he has ADHD and needs an adult with him at all times, therefore my knowing his whereabouts won't threaten his safety in any way, can they legally move him without informing me? In the past few years his DB moved in with my aunt bc he has an eating disorder and could eat there, his DF passed away and he's been taken away from me, as he sees it. I dread to think what this is doing to his mental health.

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 20:53

Miyagi99 · 29/10/2024 06:55

This is what I’ve been trying to say, I think Op is confused about how much she needs to work.

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I don't have the luxury of choosing my hours. I work for McDonald's and they won't schedule me at times when they already have high labour. Also, allowing for travel, I couldn't earn enough. I'd have to start at 9.30 and finish at 2.20 to allow for travel. And I have to clock out for breaks, so for 18 hours a week, take off 2 and a quarter hours. I'm working all the hours they can give me and it's still not enough to satisfy Universal Credit.

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Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 20:55

BreatheAndFocus · 29/10/2024 08:08

Exactly this. It’s the money you earn rather than the hours. It usually works out at around 20hrs pw on minimum wage.

It sounds like this child is/was unmanageable and so OP gave up care. Although that sounds bad, I think some people commenting here underestimate the effect of some children’s behaviour day in, day out. It’s clear the requirement for foster carers wasnt to supervise the child 24hrs a day because he went missing between their house and the school - ie he wasn’t being escorted to school. Now it seems that they can’t cope either and have requested he be moved. Perhaps he needs more formal care and more support?

OP, earlier you mentioned a DC age 11, in addition to DS13 and DS17. Where are they?

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I was kind of forced to give up care. They'd have removed him anyway. The only reason I fought it was because of DH.

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Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 20:58

BreatheAndFocus · 29/10/2024 08:08

Exactly this. It’s the money you earn rather than the hours. It usually works out at around 20hrs pw on minimum wage.

It sounds like this child is/was unmanageable and so OP gave up care. Although that sounds bad, I think some people commenting here underestimate the effect of some children’s behaviour day in, day out. It’s clear the requirement for foster carers wasnt to supervise the child 24hrs a day because he went missing between their house and the school - ie he wasn’t being escorted to school. Now it seems that they can’t cope either and have requested he be moved. Perhaps he needs more formal care and more support?

OP, earlier you mentioned a DC age 11, in addition to DS13 and DS17. Where are they?

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No, I was talking about when DS 13 was 11.

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TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 20:59

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 20:49

Goodness. So he is not really in any care, is he, if he has that freedom
Social care should just let this poor boy be and stop playing the game they do

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What does this even mean??
he's in care because his mother wants him to be. Social services are not 'playing a game'. They are accommodating the poor child, because the parents can't.

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:00

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 20:55

I was kind of forced to give up care. They'd have removed him anyway. The only reason I fought it was because of DH.

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If you don't agree with him being in care then withdraw consent and have them take you to court. It's better for you to have legal representation and go through court than just to shrug your shoulders and give up.

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:01

TheSilkWorm · 30/10/2024 08:45

Could people please stop quibbling about universal credit and benefits. This child is not in care because the mother has to work. That is a thing that would never happen.

He absolutely is. He was spending all day in bed and I was going in every 5 minutes to wake him up, I couldn't keep taking days off so I had to leave him. Then he'd wake up sometime while I was at work and he'd be gone, with no text or note or anything to tell me where he was. I reported him missing every time, bc social services told me to do that.

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TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:02

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:01

He absolutely is. He was spending all day in bed and I was going in every 5 minutes to wake him up, I couldn't keep taking days off so I had to leave him. Then he'd wake up sometime while I was at work and he'd be gone, with no text or note or anything to tell me where he was. I reported him missing every time, bc social services told me to do that.

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So he's in care because he's persistently missing and you can't keep him safe. Not because you have to go to work!

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:03

Miyagi99 · 30/10/2024 13:06

The OP states in her original query that her son is in foster care because he has ADHD and because she is a single parent and has to work she can’t know his whereabouts because she can’t take and collect him from school. We are just pointing out that you can work within school hours and still receive UC. So that’s one thing the OP could do to help her son while he’s in foster care.

Would you like to persuade my boss to schedule me when I'm not needed?

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Nursingadvice · 31/10/2024 21:04

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 20:45

This is absolutely the case. I'd love to supervise him 24/7, but I can't go to school with him and stay there, and he doesn't have an adult with him all the time there. He's clever enough to find a way to leave.

Also, Universal Credit won't let me be a stay at home parent, or even work the few hours I'd need to to be available to supervise him.

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But surely the foster carers are not expected to be with him 24/7 either? And if they are, it’s clearly not working if he’s still running away.
So this really doesn’t sound like reason enough for him to not be with you. I’ve been in a very similar situation and not once did social workers ever expect me to give up work to follow a teenager around 24/7 l, as clearly that isn’t practical or possible.

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:21

BackForABit · 30/10/2024 18:14

I might be completely wrong but I imagine it went something like ...

Son has mainstream cognitive ability but ADHD that presents as risky behaviour, impulsivity, anger and extremely "poor behaviour" in the classroom. Perhaps the school queried how much of the behaviour and absconding was down to ADHD and how much was "home life" (seen this professionally many, many times). They possibly blocked attempts to obtain enough evidence for EHCPs and DLA by wording their reports in a certain way and possibly encouraged family down Early Help route instead.

OP's family were probably just about coping until her husband died. As this coincided with the beginning of DS's puberty I imagine DS's behaviour escalated drastically. OP now has to make sure the family can survive financially and her emotional resources are stretched. The "evidence" that DS is disabled rather than just a poorly parented child is limited due to reasons above. No DLA means UC expect her to work and can't understand why a 12 year old can't get themselves to school. They threaten sanctions and the OP panics and feels that appeals (to DLA) etc will be futile.

Social Care become involved as DS's behaviour intensifies and OP is unable to stop DS absconding. OP genuinely fears for her child, where they are (and with who) and can't see a way out. Everyone is saying child not eligible for special school, transport, respite, direct payments etc because he's mostly just naughty.

OP genuinely thinks DS will be safer in foster care and is persuaded to think this way because she's basically been told she's a bit useless for probably the best part of 7 or 8 years rather than how hard it is to parent a child with severe ADHD. She agrees to a Section 20 because she is exhausted, scared and probably extremely low in self esteem.

OP - was it anything like that? I used to work with teenagers like that and sometimes even the special schools couldn't stop them absconding etc.

Part of it.

He's absolutely good as gold in the classroom when he's actually there. He might impulsively jump up and shout "I love drama" or "I hate maths" but that's it.

Both school and the social worker seemed to think that I wasn't trying hard enough to get DS up. I was going in every 5 minutes on the dot, because I was trying not to let him fall back into deep sleep. On work days I was also trying to get ready. When DH was alive he only took over when I had to leave for work, and then didn't really try. In the last couple of weeks of his life I'd have been a bitch to make him because he was very ill, but I still had to go to work.

DS had an EHCP before he started secondary school. I've applied for DLA several times and been refused.

When DH died, DS could do what he wanted once he woke up on the days I worked. This meant going out with his friends, none of whom went to school, and staying out for days at a time.

I've never been told I was a bit useless, and I wasn't persuaded, I really thought it was the best option, and so did DH just before he died.

I wasn't low in self-esteem. I was exhausted and scared.

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Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:26

Nursingadvice · 31/10/2024 21:04

But surely the foster carers are not expected to be with him 24/7 either? And if they are, it’s clearly not working if he’s still running away.
So this really doesn’t sound like reason enough for him to not be with you. I’ve been in a very similar situation and not once did social workers ever expect me to give up work to follow a teenager around 24/7 l, as clearly that isn’t practical or possible.

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The first four times he was being taxied to school here and no one collected him at the gate so he just walked off. Then he was transferred to a school near the foster placement. They'd started trusting him to get the bus on his own, but you can't do that with him. He got the train back to my city. He has a free travel card for under 16s.

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Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:29

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 30/10/2024 18:54

Yes and they should give him back to her, not move him from house to house. He has already proven he is fleeing. So it is not the OP fault. Also they are in good contact with son and ex foster carers. That is all good and enough proof OP has not done anything wrong at any point in her parenting and the boy ( even though having tendencies to flee) can come home and stops feeling taken

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No they shouldn't, unless they can provide me with somebody who will put in the hours I was just trying to get him up, walk him to and from school, then get school to provide someone to walk around school with him, and supervise him on Sundays when I also work.

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MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 21:29

Poster, I so wish your son to come back to you. I love drama! - this just melted my heart. He has so much potential, just lost his father, Oh Lord, help them

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:30

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 21:29

Poster, I so wish your son to come back to you. I love drama! - this just melted my heart. He has so much potential, just lost his father, Oh Lord, help them

You love drama? What the fuck?

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:32

SilverChampagne · 31/10/2024 20:43

But he was moved out of the city before he started running away?
Was there something they were deliberately trying to separate him from?

No, he wasn't going to school and he was staying out 3 or 4 nights at a time at the age of 12.

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MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 21:34

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:30

You love drama? What the fuck?

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you can see what I mean. It is her son, exclaiming this in his class. :)
Lighten up a bit, dear

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:35

SilverChampagne · 31/10/2024 20:44

Have you asked him why he didn’t simply return to your home? It would seem to be the obvious thing to do.

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He knows he's not allowed to do that. I'd ring the foster carers straight away. I've told him he can move back when he shows some improvement. Running away is just making things worse for himself.

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SilverChampagne · 31/10/2024 21:35

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 21:29

Poster, I so wish your son to come back to you. I love drama! - this just melted my heart. He has so much potential, just lost his father, Oh Lord, help them

😳

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 31/10/2024 21:36

you are quite nasty, Silk Worm. Definitely not spinning silk but hatred on this thread. Let the woman and her son alone.

SilverChampagne · 31/10/2024 21:37

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:32

No, he wasn't going to school and he was staying out 3 or 4 nights at a time at the age of 12.

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Oh God. I’m so sorry, it sounds like a real nightmare.

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:38

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:00

If you don't agree with him being in care then withdraw consent and have them take you to court. It's better for you to have legal representation and go through court than just to shrug your shoulders and give up.

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That's what DH wanted, but I didn't. He needs to be in care unless someone can provide me with an alternative where he's supervised but we can still afford to live.

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Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:42

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 21:02

So he's in care because he's persistently missing and you can't keep him safe. Not because you have to go to work!

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But if I didn't have to work I would be able to keep him safe. Good grief.

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Justasmallgless · 31/10/2024 21:42

Children are taken into care where there is a risk of significant harm to them.
Clearly your son by being missing, out all night, sofa surfing is highly at risk of being exploited.

Have you had an explanation yet from SS because if he is under S20, you have parental responsibility and you are allowed unsupervised contact, then they should tell you where he is.

However, if he is at significant risk, which it sounds like if he has continued to have missing episodes whilst at foster carers, then they need to move him quickly for his own safety.
Foster carers aren't safe for him any more so as much as there has been a relationship for your son,the primary concern for SW is his safety.
You mention his behaviour is also disrupting a younger child which again would be a further reason to move him.

If he has moved towns again, what is the provision and new plan for him whilst there??

SilverChampagne · 31/10/2024 21:43

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:38

That's what DH wanted, but I didn't. He needs to be in care unless someone can provide me with an alternative where he's supervised but we can still afford to live.

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Oh, he was doing this before he lost his Dad? Did you both work?

Original poster

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2024 21:43

Nursingadvice · 31/10/2024 21:04

But surely the foster carers are not expected to be with him 24/7 either? And if they are, it’s clearly not working if he’s still running away.
So this really doesn’t sound like reason enough for him to not be with you. I’ve been in a very similar situation and not once did social workers ever expect me to give up work to follow a teenager around 24/7 l, as clearly that isn’t practical or possible.

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They should be. They trusted him too much.

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