DS 13 being moved to new foster placement and me not being contacted

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

My DS has been in foster care for a year and we knew he was going to be moved. Social services haven't contacted me or the present foster carers, they rang DS yesterday and are picking him up today to take him God knows where.

As the only reason he's in foster care is bc I'm a widowed parent, in work and he has ADHD and needs an adult with him at all times, therefore my knowing his whereabouts won't threaten his safety in any way, can they legally move him without informing me?

In the past few years his DB moved in with my aunt bc he has an eating disorder and could eat there, his DF passed away and he's been taken away from me, as he sees it. I dread to think what this is doing to his mental health.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

I am so sorry. I am so sorry the system has let you down so horribly. I was living some of this in the last couple of years - adhd child refusing to get up, disappearing, not going to school - it's impossible. I've been lucky in that I had help, but you've been let down so badly by the system.

I just hope that your boy is able to go back on his meds and even out, so that you can have him home again.

For my DD, finishing school has been the tipping point - she now goes to college independently and she's like a whole different person. There is hope in the future.

Sending lots and lots of love and hugs xxxxxxxx

Has the foster care achieved the objective at all? It sounds like he's not under 24/7 supervision anyway and still absconding. There's no point him being away from you if they can't provide that extra level of care. Did the absconding start after his father's death or proceed it? Was him going into care around that same time? The thing I'd want to know most about this move, besides where he is, is how are the new foster carers going to keep him safe and stop him from absconding. Unless one of them doesn't work they're likely to run into the same problems you do.

He’s been removed from her care = he isn’t safe to live with her. Whatever the reasons, this is the main point

This is what I’ve been trying to say, I think Op is confused about how much she needs to work.

Exactly this. It’s the money you earn rather than the hours. It usually works out at around 20hrs pw on minimum wage.

It sounds like this child is/was unmanageable and so OP gave up care. Although that sounds bad, I think some people commenting here underestimate the effect of some children’s behaviour day in, day out. It’s clear the requirement for foster carers wasnt to supervise the child 24hrs a day because he went missing between their house and the school - ie he wasn’t being escorted to school. Now it seems that they can’t cope either and have requested he be moved. Perhaps he needs more formal care and more support?

OP, earlier you mentioned a DC age 11, in addition to DS13 and DS17. Where are they?

Or maybe just unable to cope with having her son at home? I hope he gets more support in his new foster placement, as things sound very difficult.

Could people please stop quibbling about universal credit and benefits. This child is not in care because the mother has to work. That is a thing that would never happen.

The OP states in her original query that her son is in foster care because he has ADHD and because she is a single parent and has to work she can’t know his whereabouts because she can’t take and collect him from school. We are just pointing out that you can work within school hours and still receive UC. So that’s one thing the OP could do to help her son while he’s in foster care.

That's her explanation of what happened. But as a social worker I can assure you children don't go into care because their parents have to work. It's just not possible. Her working patterns are not the reason he's in care.

The foster parents aren’t accompanying him to school either.

Well yes, obviously there’s more to it but that’s all the info we have!

Yes, really bad set up!

I might be completely wrong but I imagine it went something like ...

Son has mainstream cognitive ability but ADHD that presents as risky behaviour, impulsivity, anger and extremely "poor behaviour" in the classroom. Perhaps the school queried how much of the behaviour and absconding was down to ADHD and how much was "home life" (seen this professionally many, many times). They possibly blocked attempts to obtain enough evidence for EHCPs and DLA by wording their reports in a certain way and possibly encouraged family down Early Help route instead.

OP's family were probably just about coping until her husband died. As this coincided with the beginning of DS's puberty I imagine DS's behaviour escalated drastically. OP now has to make sure the family can survive financially and her emotional resources are stretched. The "evidence" that DS is disabled rather than just a poorly parented child is limited due to reasons above. No DLA means UC expect her to work and can't understand why a 12 year old can't get themselves to school. They threaten sanctions and the OP panics and feels that appeals (to DLA) etc will be futile.

Social Care become involved as DS's behaviour intensifies and OP is unable to stop DS absconding. OP genuinely fears for her child, where they are (and with who) and can't see a way out. Everyone is saying child not eligible for special school, transport, respite, direct payments etc because he's mostly just naughty.

OP genuinely thinks DS will be safer in foster care and is persuaded to think this way because she's basically been told she's a bit useless for probably the best part of 7 or 8 years rather than how hard it is to parent a child with severe ADHD. She agrees to a Section 20 because she is exhausted, scared and probably extremely low in self esteem.

OP - was it anything like that? I used to work with teenagers like that and sometimes even the special schools couldn't stop them absconding etc.

well, also how nobody knows where he has been going when he has been leaving home for days and nights

Yes and they should give him back to her, not move him from house to house. He has already proven he is fleeing. So it is not the OP fault. Also they are in good contact with son and ex foster carers. That is all good and enough proof OP has not done anything wrong at any point in her parenting and the boy ( even though having tendencies to flee) can come home and stops feeling taken

They should provide him with a good male role model in school, church, etc and try to learn where he goes when he flees and what does he do. How on earth this part has never been deciphered.

You have absolutely no idea about anything that is going on for any of these family members. You haven't got the first idea what's best for this child. And in any case the care arrangement is voluntary. OP could withdraw consent and have him back at any time. Nobody is keeping her son from her. All parties involved clearly agree that being in care is best for him at this time.

Do you think social workers don't try?? It's not that easy

Just the opposite. I had a friend, retired christian social worker. She was the most amazing woman I have know probably in the UK and she was amazing in all regards and she said despite how hard they tried and all sorts, kids still went murdered, etc. This is not an easy job and I admire people who genuinely do this

But also, as it is a thread, everyone gives whatever opinion they muster and each sees things from various point of view. I hope the boy is given back to his mother, they are given proper money to live on, a strong community with a good male comes in their life and so on

No, they've moved him because his foster carers couldn't take any more. He'd run away 5 times. They have another boy in their care to think about.

They don't know where he was but I do. He came back to my city and sofa surfed around all his friends' houses. He told me. He was still contacting me on Discord occasionally.

But he was moved out of the city before he started running away?
Was there something they were deliberately trying to separate him from?

Have you asked him why he didn’t simply return to your home? It would seem to be the obvious thing to do.

This is absolutely the case. I'd love to supervise him 24/7, but I can't go to school with him and stay there, and he doesn't have an adult with him all the time there. He's clever enough to find a way to leave.

Also, Universal Credit won't let me be a stay at home parent, or even work the few hours I'd need to to be available to supervise him.

Goodness. So he is not really in any care, is he, if he has that freedom
Social care should just let this poor boy be and stop playing the game they do