Matriarch funeral and family feud

[KajsaKavat]

So I married into this family and divorced over 10 years ago.
the mum has held onto so much hate and bitterness for so long usually taking her sons side not her daughters.
All 3 have had their problems with addiction.
last year there was an assault by the son on the daughter (the son lived with the mum and the daughter independently with her children) and prison and now both parties have non molestation orders or whatever equivalent against each other.

The mum died this week. The son laughingly told me it was in the mums will that the daughter could not attend the funeral. I pleaded with him to bury all the bitterness now and not let it seep into the third generation… but with no luck.
he also doesn’t want me and our teens to attend the funeral but I know my children want to say their official goodbye to their grandma and I think the daughter and her teens deserve this also.

I do know that funerals are public and no one can be banned without a reason but also realise the circumstances are tricky.

please if anyone has any advise or guidance navigating this as I can see how this can make things much worse. Neither the son nor the daughter inherits, just their children but I fear the executor may be on the sons side if it was predetermined by the mum.

i may ask for this thread to be deleted as it’s very outing

Why would you want to go to the funeral of a woman who "held on to such hate" and who treats her daughter badly - in favour of her son. Particularly when you have been told mot to attend.
As someone up thread wrote -" Not your circus not your monkeys"

Yes, but with willingness this can be disregarded for this occasion. The willingness only exist on one side.

Yea exactly this. I just want them all to have this experience.
apaprt from it being the right thing to do I feel the daughter may resent the son more if he bars her from the funeral.

I am not an issue btw, I can attend, he isn’t happy to see me but also he doesn’t hate be being around.

the son wants to just forego the cremation visit for everyone and get the ashes to spread them with just our children but that is ultimately extremely selfish.

Her response was so out of tune and tone death. Mine my own business about something that will hugely impact my children and their cousins future relationship.

Thank you Happy, I hadn’t been brave enough to read the responses until now because of the fear of nastiness.

OP it's his mother, not yours, even if you had known her for 25 years. Let him take the children and please stay out of it. It's your SiLs problem and frankly you won't be thanked for interfering.

My ex husband is “the son”and he is going about all this the wrong way being vindictive abs butter, I am just trying to make sure my children and their cousins are not too caught up in all of this.

i have to be the voice of reason.

No no no you misunderstand. He doesn’t want anyone to go, he would prefer not to have a public cremation at all and just spread his mums ashes alone with my children. BUT I am saying his sister has equal right to go to her mums funeral.

this is not about me, it’s about my SIL, her DCs and my DCs

I feel like I need to point out the the son is the villain here. He went to prison for assaulting his sister yet the sister is the one punished.

it’s her right to attend the funeral I am arguing for here , not my own, I am not forbidden from going but she is.

also even though we are no longer married I don’t consider her not family anymore, I am the mother of her grandkids and we’ve had loads of contact over the years. Theirs is a very dysfunctional family yes and I had to shield the kids from that.

Your ex attacked his sister? Why on earth are you encouraging your children to be exposed to this level of aggro? Sil is not your responsibility, your kids are.

So your DCs are sorted?

Are you using this as an opportunity to fight your xH?

Why would you be up front?

Why would you get between brother and sister?

In your shoes I would role model to my DCs how to swerve drama, behave with dignity and let immediate families manage themselves in their time of grief.

You have no place in any of this. I would examine your conscience and motivations and wind you neck in for the sake of your DCs.

You stay well out of it. It is your MIL last wishes for you not to be there. So stay away.

Take your children to a church and light a candle in her memory. Plant a tree or other such thing and stay away from the funeral completely.

Your children do not need to go or can go with their father.

The daughters presence is nothing to do with you.

It is none of your business and you seem to be loving the drama of it all. It’s between your ex and his sister. Why do you feel it is your place to meddle?

My children have very fond memories of their grandma in a time before all. This bitterness and they want to attend the funeral, I don’t think this is all that crazy really.

You obviously love the drama and feel the need to involve yourself.
If you didn't you would simply send flowers and a card and visit the grave with your children and pay your respects in a way that minimises any conflict your children may witness.
What happens between your ex and his sister and any politics around who is to attend is not your concern whatsoever

he is going about all this the wrong way being vindictive and bitter

Sounds like you both are.

i have to be the voice of reason.

No you don’t. It’s not your place.

And it seems you aren’t.

about something that will hugely impact my children and their cousins future relationship.

They are all teens and will already have a good / bad / indifferent relationship directly via phones without your toxic generation getting involved. It’s up to each of them to manage and maintain their relationships as cousins.

There is zero need for you to get involved.

I'd just steer well clear of the whole circus. If the children need to go then their Dad needs to facilitate that, though he sounds like too much of a dick.

I can't see that anyone needs to be the voice of reason. Especially as you are no longer married into the family.

If you must go to support the children then stay outside and wait for them in the car so that you can take them home afterwards.

I'd have found it very odd if anyone who wasn't close family or married to them had turned up at my Dad's funeral and sat at the front. Further back would have been fine though.

In your shoes I'd wait outside for the children.

It wasn't out of tune or tone deaf. Your OP is unclear.

Your subsequent responses are all about how YOU need to manage things in a family that you are no longer married into and don't particularly get along with from what can be gathered.

I see no reason for you to be involved at all beyond perhaps taking and collecting your children.

It's like a Jeremy Kyle episode....

This.

All this non molestation stiff really is nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to stick your oar in?

Say good bye privately with your dc.

Hmmm, sounds to me like you think YOU are the new matriarch, trying to boss what your EX husband does at HIS mother's funeral... 🤨

It’s your Ex husband and ex mil, none of your business.
You seem to want a fight and some drama, not just here but at the funeral

So what? Their father can be there for them. I am beginning to see your MIL didn’t want you there. This is not about you or your dc! It’s about honouring and respecting a person and their wishes as they wanted it.

I would give the whole toxic lot of them a very wide berth tbh