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Original poster

Where do I stand in court with my ex over child

36 replies

Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 18:22

My ex is taking me to court over some child custody matters, I have never stopped him seeing DD, he is very inconsistent and blames me for being inconsistent, let me add he walked on on us when I was pregnant and didn't want t to be a dad, he was not present at birth and he is not on the birth certificate, DD is now one and he has seen her about 7 times all in all, he didn't come into her life until she was we 5 months and that was even on and off and very inconsistent, her also wants over night stays, he and his family are basically strangers to DD, I don't get along with him, he is very narcissistic and young and he can not look after DD on his own he needs his mum and he has even told me this he used to see DD with me present but as of recent I allowed her to go with him and his mum, he can't change a nappy so apparently he needs support but now wants to take me to court for maybe over night access and to see her consistently, he works different shifts so wouldn't be able to do weekends or anything, he has never been helpful in DDs life, and let me add he lives two hours away, where do I stand in any of this and what will he gain and what type of access will he get, should I get a solicitor, I know it is expensive, how does court for child custody work?

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 06/06/2023 18:50

Go see a solicitor, they'll tell you where you stand and what next steps should be. Majority of solicitors will give a free initial consultation.
If everything you say about your ex is true, hopefully he won't even go ahead with the court thing (unless someone, his mum, is funding and egging him on).
How far down the legal route has he taken it so far?

Original poster
Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 18:57

@Whenwillitallmakesense that's the thing, I think his mum plays a big part in this bevuse I know he wouldn't do it for himself he doesn't have the balls to want to be such a big part in DDs life and I also do know for a fact she will be finding it all for him, he's gone as far as mediation up to now and threatened me with court before mediation, and then again and I let him and his mum take her out for the day and then recently he has threatened me with court again and stopped all contact.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 06/06/2023 19:00

Have you reached mediation without having any legal advice whatsoever? Please go see someone. To be honest, he'll likely to get at least some contact if it reaches court unless you can prove some kind of abuse, but it's always good having someone who knows what they're doing fighting your corner

Original poster
Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 19:14

@Whenwillitallmakesense no I refused the mediation as I didn't see what help
It would be when he's not willing to accept anything I say anyway and he mentioned court soo much so I thought well it's only gonna end up in court anyway, so instead of wasting money in mediation that won't work I might aswel save it for court as it's expensive all because he's an idiot, but Thankyou for you're advice I appreciate it.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 06/06/2023 19:18

Unless there was DV you'll be expected to try mediation before applying to court. It's part of the application form

nocoolnamesleft · 06/06/2023 19:19

Oh dear. Refusing mediation may make it look like you're the one being unreasonable.

TeaKitten · 06/06/2023 19:21

Refusing mediation won’t help things. What does he want out of court? What visitation is he wanting that you won’t let him have?

Original poster
Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 19:22

@nocoolnamesleft I know I understand that part but when I've had it like I have with him then I wasn't settling for that when he wants to take me to court, he is a total nightmare of a human and he is not a good dad, there is no DV unless you would class manipulation and narcissistic behaviour and messing about with you're head a part of it. He is not a good person

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 06/06/2023 19:22

Did you know that you can have mediation where you and ex are in different rooms and the mediator travels between each room? It's called shuttle mediation

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 19:23

Mediation and refuse to allow his dm into the meeting. See how far he gets using his own words..
Imo not very far..

Azandme · 06/06/2023 19:26

Whether or not you see the point in mediation is irrelevant. It's a required part of the process, and the court may take a dim view of you refusing.

See a solicitor and then agree to mediation.

Original poster
Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 19:27

@Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon yeah I would agree with that because his mum intimates me and is a nasty woman and went as far to tell me to get an abortion when I was 7 months pregnant, he would have his mum there all the way while I'm there alone, his mum would even go as far as to advocate for him as she controls and rules him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babygirlmum · 06/06/2023 19:29

@Azandme I would think he has already done the application for court now, I refused mediation because we was going through ourselves I don't see how a mediator can say what I wouldn't I agreed he could see her how he wanted the only thing I wouldn't allow as they are still strangers to DD is over night stays and then he even agreed with me, he's doing this for his mum to gain access I know it for a fact. He doesn't care he's young and likes a lad life style.

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 19:32

A judge would expect you to have dealt with mediator first. Tbh it's a waste of money not to - it will be frowned on to not attempt it... Let him fuck it up..
My exh tried to protest his anger issues... He tried to punch me across the table... Went very well for me that did.

And as I said will he get past that's first meeting? You can refuse her there...

RelaxingClassics · 06/06/2023 19:40

How long and drawn out this process becomes is up to you and him. If he is he'll bent on gaining contact and has funds then he will get it eventually.

If he's not on the birth certificate (and you were never married) the first thing he'll need to do is gain parental responsibility. This will take some time. Then you will likely be expected to try mediation. Then if that fails you will be expected to go through court. A possible child welfare hearing and then you will need to accept that he will ultimately get some form of contact. Given the amount of time he hasn't seen your child for it would be likely to be supervised contact. This may be ordered to be in a contact center. But this would be seen as a stepping stone to more established regular contact if he proves himself reliable and capable in the contact sessions.

He is not likely to get overnight contact for some time until a relationship is established with the baby. If he has gone to see a solicitor I would be surprised if he hasn't been told all of this.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 19:41

He will have to make an application to court to have dna tests ordered...

midnightblue12 · 06/06/2023 19:57

I wouldn't recommend refusing mediation. That will look bad on you.
I've had legal advice before and been told that you should always attempt it and let it fail if so.

I really feel for you OP. I feel so passionately against the court system and how it seems to just wide for 50/50. Like a dad can just rock up when he fancies, bugger off when he fancies and still have the same tights and influence of the mum.
I really hope that you get some answers soon. Stay strong xx

prh47bridge · 06/06/2023 23:41

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 19:41

He will have to make an application to court to have dna tests ordered...

Why? OP doesn't seem to be denying that he is the father.

TizerorFizz · 07/06/2023 10:36

The whole point about mediation is to talk the issues through and a mediator ensures both sides are heard. It was not sensible to refuse. Your DC has a dad. He will ultimately get some contact. So see a solicitor and work out what you can reasonably do. Dc not seeing dad is not one.

By the way, 50/50 is not usually what courts order for babies. Often with older DC it’s 5/14 days. Babies where dad hasn’t been involved is more likely to be a gradual introduction. You have to move away from
Personal dislike and think about how DC can have a dad where the arrangements work for both of you and Dc.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 07/06/2023 10:43

The judge will need to give him PR by putting him on the BC if his access application is approved.. . He will need dna testing for this.

Daisydu · 07/06/2023 10:54

prh47bridge · 06/06/2023 23:41

Why? OP doesn't seem to be denying that he is the father.

Show quote history

Because he’s an absolutely horrible person and not a good dad, he’s not on birth certificate and given what he’s put her through and the lack of interest in thier daughter she would be best making him prove she’s his first. Does he pay maintenance op? Sorry if you’ve already said.

prh47bridge · 07/06/2023 10:59

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 07/06/2023 10:43

The judge will need to give him PR by putting him on the BC if his access application is approved.. . He will need dna testing for this.

Wrong in all respects.

If he gets contact, the judge will consider whether it is appropriate to give him PR. If it is appropriate, the Child Arrangements Order will give him PR without any need to put him on the birth certificate. If it is not appropriate, he can still have contact even though he does not have PR.

He does not need a DNA test to go on the birth certificate. That is only required if OP says he is not the father.

Original poster
Babygirlmum · 07/06/2023 10:59

@Daisydu Thankyou, we have already had a dna in the past when he first came back into DDs life, and yes he does pay maintenance, that is only because I applied and he has no choice as if it was his choice he wouldn't.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 07/06/2023 11:01

Daisydu · 07/06/2023 10:54

Because he’s an absolutely horrible person and not a good dad, he’s not on birth certificate and given what he’s put her through and the lack of interest in thier daughter she would be best making him prove she’s his first. Does he pay maintenance op? Sorry if you’ve already said.

Show quote history

How to make yourself look unreasonable to the court in one easy lesson.

Spottedsox · 07/06/2023 11:24

Look at what you are prepared to settle on for yourself and your daughter should the dad be around having contact.
Do seek legal advice.
You can then ask what is likely to be acceptable if he gets care in this circumstance or for others.
Mediation either works or will not, but I suggest being prepared to work towards an arrangement.
You have a lot of anger resentment towards the dad, understandable.
He is the father, so be prepared to let that relationship begin.
Does the UK provide any support during this?

I will say that no matter how much you hate the father, your little girl will need a dad around.
Let's hope he man's up and drops the bs.
Forget the past work towards a tolerable agreement.
Including a go-between if he is going to be around for you...let them know you want to limit contact or none with the father ?

Some messed up dad's really do pull through for the child even when the parents loathe each other.
Work through it without dragging yourself into major debt and a lot of mental stress.
Good luck. Stay strong.