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Original poster

Money claims from ex partner

502 replies

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 20:18

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

OP posts:
averageavocado · 19/08/2022 13:12

I'd write a very long convoluted letter running to many many many pages, offering nothing back to his solicitor

NoPrivateSpy · 22/08/2022 09:37

OP, I am so sorry he is allowed to continue to make your life so miserable. It is so unfair. Please keep reporting him. He is the only one with a record of aggressive and bullying behaviour. You do not need to defend yourself at the moment.

Having just come out of small claims with someone entirely batshit as well, I can help with some of your questions.

In my case, I was a litigant in person and he was represented. He had 2 sets of solicitors at various points and, like you, I was amazed that both put forward whatever he said - even when it was very clearly made up. I have reached the conclusion that solicitors will pretty much do or say anything that their clients asks and then once they fail to make any progress with that line of argument, will then switch to a new approach. And the more drama the better - this invariably means more money. They will also send threatening emails and letters telling you exactly what will happen if you don't pay up. In my case, I received loads of these and the exact opposite happened every time. It's just a tactic.

In my case, I saw 8 judges and not one of them ever indulged any of the character assassination, 'he said, she said' part of the case. There's not enough time frankly.

Stick with the facts and you'll be fine. He's desperate and this is his last hope of getting to you.

Wishing you all the strength and I really hope you have some good support to lean on?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 18:39

@NoPrivateSpy thank you for sharing your experience. 2 sets of lawyers sounds stressful. Why were all these lawyers needed? I hope the outcome was successful for you.

My only lifeline is - and has always been Mumsnet. I have been a user for 10 years but forgot my log in details and they could not be reset, therefore I had to re-register. No real life support at all.

OP posts:
TurboQueen · 24/08/2022 18:56

How are you getting on now OP?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 19:08

The deadline for response was extended as I did get a solicitor in the end. I have come down with a horrible cold and will be maxing out the extension, because I can’t think clearly and still have to approve the letter.

OP posts:
tribpot · 24/08/2022 21:21

I don't understand - this deadline is a piece of fiction made up by your ex and his solicitor. There is no deadline for a response which you are compelled to honour.

Sorry you're not well, but please do not feel you have to do anything by a particular time.

I hope you have not had a solicitor respond in detail to his nonsense - this is just handing him ammo.

newbiename · 24/08/2022 21:43

Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 19:08

The deadline for response was extended as I did get a solicitor in the end. I have come down with a horrible cold and will be maxing out the extension, because I can’t think clearly and still have to approve the letter.

You don't need to reply , tens of posters have told you that.

NoPrivateSpy · 24/08/2022 21:45

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have anyone IRL but Mumsnet is a great source of support.

My case was successful - I won. He ended up spending £13k plus in legal fees and saved himself £80 from my original claim.

Honestly I wouldn't get a solicitor unless they have quoted you the cost for 1 letter and that's it?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 23:02

Yes they quoted the cost for one letter. I am still not sure whether to send it or not.

OP posts:
skeemee · 24/08/2022 23:28

Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 23:02

Yes they quoted the cost for one letter. I am still not sure whether to send it or not.

Oh OP. Please listen to PP! If you respond do you really think that will be the end of the matter? Of course not. It will just give him the satisfaction of getting to you. And he will get another horrible letter drafted up.

you will be back on here in a couple of weeks agonising on what to say in your next response.

don’t fall into this trap. You are being controlled and manipulated again.

DO NOT RESPOND AT ALL. IT IS NOT COURT ORDERED.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 24/08/2022 23:32

I really needed somebody to see the letter I received and my evidence and assess the situation with all the facts in front of them. It’s too bad I can’t post it on here. Whether or not I respond - I am not sure. I will probably respond with the response posted here and save the details for court. I will very likely represent myself. I’m pretty sure he is going to court, just for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 25/08/2022 07:42

I am wondering why he did not go to court straight away? He can simply fill out the application online.

1: He is testing the waters with his solicitor to see if I have any evidence. If I provide any evidence now, he will change strategy and find new angles. Hence the request for a detailed response.

2: He has no real claim and no intention to go to court and is simply bullying me. In this case, he will write more letters anyway.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 25/08/2022 07:54

So if he could have done that then you know this is more manipulation and ignoring is the best thing to do, as you're not feeding his desire to control. If you react, which you are not legally obliged to do, he gets a kick out of it, regardless of his intended final outcome.

NoPrivateSpy · 25/08/2022 08:05

He's angry with you, he wants to teach you a lesson and will take you to court regardless as he probably thinks he is owed something. Men like him always think they are owed something.

It will all come out in the court anyway - I guess laying it out upfront doesn't necessarily give them anymore ammunition other than to try and come up with excuses for him.

NoPrivateSpy · 25/08/2022 08:06

Oh and for small claims at least you need to do a letter before claim. Not sure about the other courts - you do have to give your defendant a chance to settle. His aim is court I think. Sorry Flowers

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 08:21

Op take that bait and watch your £££ slip away.
Ignore and absolutely nothing will happen to you.

Solicitors are leeches..

AdviceOnLife · 25/08/2022 08:24

Sorry I have no legal advice but I was wondering if you get a ring doorbell or camera of sorts, you can record his behaviour at your door. This would provide more evidence to his abuse. Sorry if its not helpful just an idea to help build your evidence. Good luck.

tribpot · 25/08/2022 08:24

Using a solicitor to review the letter and evidence was an expense you didn't need at this point, but if it helped to give you some peace of mind, that's good. However, no good can come from responding to him in massive detail, all that shows him is he's hooked you again and can reel you back in.

Whether you respond briefly, in detail or not at all he will follow up with another harassing letter, which you will feel compelled to take to a solicitor and so the cycle repeats, at great cost to you.

His claims are a nonsense and intend to have the exact effect they are having - to disturb your peace of mind, to give him an excuse to harass you at your home, to take up your energy and your money on thinking about him instead of getting on with your life. I think your action plan needs to be:


  1. Report every incident to the police

  2. Seek support from Women's Aid etc

  3. If you haven't done the Freedom Programme (and really even if. you have), do it

  4. Get on a waiting list for specialist counselling

  5. Work out how he got your new address, is someone you know leaking information, or was it simply that you were on the electoral roll or similar?

  6. Consider moving house if at all feasible

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 25/08/2022 09:07

@tribpot 5: I am not on the public register, but a tracing agent can surely find me? There are a lot of these companies advertising online. I suspect this is what he has done.
6: We will be moving. We only stayed in the area until A levels were finished. But he will not give up and continue to hunt me down where ever I go. He knows my parents, my family. He did it before. He harassed them until the police interfered and this was across borders.
1,2,3: All done, but every time he resurfaces I go back to square 1.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 25/08/2022 09:32

As @tribpot says, his claims are nonsense, but he will carry on as long as you keep responding. If you feel the need to engage a solicitor every time and respond in detail to his allegations, it will continue to cost you money and it will empower him, showing him that he still has a hold over you.

You could have ignored his letter completely, or responded yourself simply denying all claims as suggested by @JustAnotherLawyer2 at the head of the thread. I strongly recommend you do that in future.

Fraaahnces · 25/08/2022 09:38

You need a ring doorbell or video camera to capture his behaviour if he shows up again.

RandomMess · 25/08/2022 09:47

I would just reply align the lines of:

This is harassment and I am liaising with the police stop and desist. I will not respond to further communication from your client and coming to my property will be reported to the police as evidence of further harassment.

The information from your solicitor is useful if he takes it to court.

Do not engage with his financial claim

NoPrivateSpy · 25/08/2022 10:48

The loan payment he is demanding back. Do you definitely have proof it was a gifted?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 25/08/2022 12:04

@NoPrivateSpy Yes, there is no agreement in place. A jovial message attached to the transfer of funds is all there is, clearly indicating that this is not a loan, but a gift.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 25/08/2022 12:35

That's great. Sounds like you're covered then.