Money claims from ex partner

[Toadcatcher]

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

Changing address will solve nothing and might end up with a summary judgment against you. You have to face this head on or it will keep happening for years. This is a civil dispute and the courts will expect you to attempt ADR first.

Offer mediation. Refuse his demands. Go through the motions. Let him litigate. Then he will lose.

And once he's lost in court, they won't want to see him again.

Don't respond to his solicitor.

If you get a court summons, then respond to that. He's bluffing. It won't immediately go to court. It won't get near it.

Don't give them the headspace. It's hard but you can do this.

The trouble with this approach is that the OP will still have the stress of possible litigation hanging over her. The only way to break this use of solicitors to perpetuate abuse is to stand up to him.

I know what you mean. But equally, if she does respond, they are going to just harass the op and bully her.

It's highlight unlikely there is even a case- hence my view that she should hold out until the unlikely event proceedings are made. I don't think they will be. So why give them her time.

I do think the police is a good idea though for the harassment. And women's aid.

But responding to the solicitor isn’t going to break the use of solicitors to perpetuate abuse, and it won’t stop the litigation hanging over her. I tried to ‘stand up’ to mine but it only seemed to make him more determined. Also, any response would need to be very carefully worded as it may later be used in court.

From my own experience I learnt there was no point in engaging with solicitor’s letters as it achieved nothing more than additional stress. Better to hold off until a letter from the court, if he actually goes ahead, and write a defence with the help of a solicitor.

OP, I think of you often and the craziness that is this man.

I can't remember the details of the car but assume this, like your engagement ring, is something he feels you should be paying him back for? Is the car in your name? At the time of divorce/separation, I assume assets were split and those not included were just assumed to remain with whoever held them? Also, re the car...£20k? hahahahahahaha.

As we have all said repeatedly, I'd keep ignoring it or respond with you dispute all claims and will wait for the court summons.

Did you ever investigate reporting his solicitor for accommodating and facilitating harassment? I assume, also, that he's still not paying CMS or is paying at some ridiculously low level?

You know you are in the right here. Stay strong. @RandomMess becuase she always had more practical tips!

OP these threats have been going on for such a long time now, do you not think that if your Ex had a clear case he would have taken you to court long ago instead of lining a solicitors pocket.

The letters seem very sporadically I wonder why this is... I'm sure he knows he hasn't got a chance in hell of getting anything from you legally through a court so trying to intimidate you is his best thought.

He's a chancer hoping that he'll eventually break you down and you'll cave in to his demands.

File the letters in a folder inder the title of "No changes TWAT" for when you bring a future case against him for harassment..

I think at this point you ignore and wait for the court summons and quietly collate the evidence should he take it to court.

Meanwhile speak to Rights if Woman to see if they can advise on how to stop This harassment via any solicitor?

Op you do know anything that comes from his solicitor is just shite he has instructed them to write? My exh had a letter sent to me demanding I removed my new blinds as he could no longer see into my house..
I ignored it.

No judge ordered I remove them..

I have already responded last year in September and actually had instructed an expensive solicitor who crafted a response to his various claims. My position has not changed. Should I simply respond with a one liner that I already responded a d re-attach the letter from last year?

No to those who kindly inquired about CM: not a penny received and the CMS have asked to provide evidence of his assets. I don’t have this evidence.

@Triffid1 i should have done something about this solicitor it I work very long hours and have not had a chance to do this. And I had not heard anything from them since October last year I think. I work non stop - no free time at all to spend on things like this. But I agree I should maybe find out if they are not breaching any regulations with these ad hoc threatening campaigns that they are launching each summer.

I am for sure not looking forward to receiving multiple long letters for each claim :-(

It’s been almost ten years to the day that I first sought and received help from Mumsnet - this is how much of my and everyone’s time he has already wasted. Including the children. Now, occupation and non molestation orders later, including multiple arrests he can’t think of anything else anymore than bully me about money. Despicable bastard.

I mean who does not leave another human being alone after ten years of trying to destroy them? And what have I ever done to him to deserve to have my life ruined by this monster!

I would reply yourself with.

"I refer you to the prior correspondence from my solicitor dated DD.MM.YY"

Any future ones I wouldn't respond to.

You have a friend that would act as an intermediary for you? So you instruct that solicitor that all correspondence needs to be sent to Mr Y Smith at X address from now on. This person then only informs you if court proceedings actually occur?

You are giving him way too much head space, @Toadcatcher . I get that he is invading your life but you would be far better putting your energies into finding strategies to overcome your trauma than wondering why he does it and if it's your fault. It's got nothing to do with you. He's an abuser. This is what they do.

Have you had any counselling? I think maybe you said you'd had summer but it had ended. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Try not to give him headspace. Imagine having such a petty, sad, empty life that for 10 years all he can do is this. Even 10 years later he still hasn't moved on and is paying ridiculous amounts to a solicitor. It costs an arm and a leg to send things via solicitors, you know how much they charged for your single letter and he's sending you loads! At this rate he's probably spent more on legal fees harassing you than he even asked for in the first place! He only ruins your life if you let him. He only wins if you let him.

Live your life, his solicitor will send you whatever he tells them to, they get paid for it. Tell them your position hasn't changed from X letter and don't engage further. He's just a sad lonely bastard that has nothing better to do with his empty life other than try to distract you from your happier, full one.

I agree that the sooner it gets to the small claims court the better. It will be laid to rest once and for all.

I know it is so hard but you have to ignore, ignore, ignore. I think you would be wise to have 1 stock response that you send to his solicitor each time you get a letter. Just one response, no other folllow up even if they respond.

'Please refer to my letter dated xx where my position is fully explained. I do not owe your client any money or property and request for the continual and persistent correspondence on the matter to stop.'

Given the relationship history though, OP, I think you should be contacting the police or an advisory group for advice on next steps.

OP, he really is a prince isn't he. Think about it. He's not paying CMS. He's lying about his assets. The separation was finalised years ago... there is literally nothing more this man can do than harass you. Which is why he is NOT taking you to court.

And I get it - you're busy and worn down and chasing down his solicitors to complain feels like too much. Agree with other posters - respond to the solicitors email referring them to your original response via a solicitor and reiterating the tyou do not wish to have any further communication unless it is in the form of a summons from the court. I'd say something like, "As per my response via my solicitor on DD/MM/YY (attached), I dispute these claims. Your continued demands on behalf of your client, without actually taking this to court, is a form of harassment and must please stop immediately. If MrDickHead wishes to take this to court, I will be happy to present my evidence to a judge at that time. Please do not contact me again in this way."

I've said this before on here I think but I honestly think you have to start laughing at him. I mean, the ridiculousness of his claims. As you have seen from every post on here and, I hope, in real life when you've told family and friends... this man is delusional. My SIL had a tough time with her ex who also seems to think all kinds of things are her fault but we've now got to the point where we giggle when he comes out with his ridiculous statements. Don't get me wrong, she can't just turn off the frustration and fear, but a good giggle at the outrageous comments he makes helps a bit.

I wouldn't even attach the previous response. The solicitor will already have it. Just refer to it without making it any easier for them to retrieve and read.

Why would you not make it easier to retrieve and read? I don't get it. She's not trying to "one up" them. She wants them to go away and leave her alone.

Presumably so that it takes up more of the solicitor’s time and therefore costs the ex more money. But it doesn’t sound like money is an issue for him

It's the OP putting (admittedly slightly) more effort and will have no impact on whether or not this guy leaves her alone. OP also has previous for responding in huge detail to the solicitor's letters, providing masses of 'evidence' and showing basically how badly the accusations have affected her and how much power he still has. Putting in the absolute minimum effort in a response is, in my opinion, beneficial for her psychologically.

Thanks all. I sent a really friendly email stating my position has not changed and attached the previous letter for their convenience. Also, off-topic, I added a paragraph about unpaid CM (now close to £30K over many years for 2 DCs) as a reminder and asked when this will be paid. I currently have a bit of time on my hands through accrued AL and will make an effort to try and figure out how I can motivate the CMS to assist.

Glad you have responded and can shelve it for a while in your mind