Money claims from ex partner

[Toadcatcher]

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

Remember his solicitor isn't a judge. Only a judge can order things of you. You do not have to prove anything to his solicitor.. Nor do you have to reply. Or even open them. Gather them all. Place in a bag out of sight... Defamation of character is a crime. As is blackmail. There will be no court summons imo.
He is just a cunt. As you know.
He is a cunt with cash that is why the letters keep coming. Keep ignoring them.

Dp's ex is a bit like this (not to the same extreme). She's clearly lied to the solicitor or at least slightly misled them into believing that they were married. When that solicitor finally realised they weren't married and dp didn't think he owed anything, she got a new one to start it all over again a couple of months later. Now that one has gone quiet so he's expecting a new one to start soon.
I've told him to just reply to every letter saying "we weren't married, I've been very reasonable, don't believe she has any claim, not interested in mediation due to cost and simplicity of case, suggest she provides evidence and goes to court" essentially. He's amused at how much she's spending.

In your case I would definitely complain about the solicitor directly.

I looked at the link SlipperyLizzard highlighted and I think it probably is harassment now. I mean, the last demand came less than a week ago? Even if you WERE going to respond etc, you wouldn't have done so by now surely? So why on earth are they sending you yet more communication etc? It really does feel like they all just think if they keep the pressure up, they can then force you to pay just to make them go away.

It is time to make a complaint I think. it certainly can't do you any harm.

As the DC are grown up, do they have an opinion on this? Do they see him at all?

Defamation of character is not a crime and hasn't been since 2010. Defamation is a civil matter. Communications from OP's ex to his solicitor are subject to qualified privilege, so it would be very difficult to win a defamation case.

The offence of blackmail requires an unwarranted demand with menaces. Threatening legal action to recover an alleged debt is not blackmail. It may, however, be harassment.

The DC have not seen him in years now, we never saw him again since we moved out. Before that they had also not seen him for years at a time when the non molestation and occupation orders were in place. They don’t want any contact and never really bonded with him. He turned nasty very soon in our relationship when the children were small and he was also away a lot - if he had spent more time at home, we would have left sooner I guess.

I also believe now it’s harassment - if it’s just the money that he is chasing, then he can just go to court. He does not need to write pages of character defamation - what does that even have to do with it? Unless he is trying to use the character defamation to frighten me so I pay up.

The only thing I learnt from my case was to not waste any more energy trying to understand motive, because essentially I would never understand it. None of it made any sense other than some people want to feel they have 'won' at all costs. When they get one knock back, they try a new tactic until something sticks. So proving they are wrong gets you nowhere because they just pretend to believe the next thing they have dreamed up.

Not answering is actually the best and only thing you can do.

This is so true @NoPrivateSpy . So often do I find myself go round in circles trying to understand his motif - why does he not leave me alone, why did he not let me leave, I even asked him why he tried to force us to live with him and I argued that I personally would not want to live with people who did not like me and that we all hated him and never wanted to see him again. He still tried to keep us.

Yes, he wants to scare and punish you, with added bonus that you pay.

I've mainly only read your posts, so sorry if this has already been raised. Have you formally disinstructed your solicitors? I'm not clear why his solicitors are sending things directly to your address. If you have representation they're not meant to (although I don't know if there's an exception that would apply in this case). They clearly know you have been represented as they were communicating with your solicitors.

Flagging because it might be worth you paying your solicitors just to manage correspondence, even if your instructions are not to reply. This means you shouldn't get any more letters from his solicitors.

@Laughingoverspiltmilk i uninstructed the solicitor. He was sending them so many emails I could not afford to pay for this. He is pursuing additional claims himself (for storing the children ‘s old stuff) and he sent a lot of emails about that to my solicitor as well as lists of every penny that he ever spent on the family e.g fuel for the school run, take outs, anything going back over 20 years. Then he recalculated these lists and sent more emails …

I understand. Horrible situation for you.

It might be worth referring his solicitor to this (particularly the taking unfair advantage section), saying that as a domestic violence victim you are a vulnerable third party. This isn't my area but, for example, unless you are in a profession where court case against you would be reportable, threatening to tell your employer is rediculous. Whilst solicitors have a obligation to do their best for their clients, that doesn't mean they get to say whatever they want, particularly when the other side is unrepresented.

www.sra.org.uk/solicitors/guidance/conduct-disputes/

I can understand why you disinstructed the solicitor- it would cost you a fortune for even just a post box service.

It must be costing him a fortune too.

I would ignore and if it kept on, I'd lodge a complaint for harassment.

Strength op. You are doing so well. He is very nasty and frankly ridiculous in his claims.

@Toadcatcher Hello again, I think you need to disengage completely. The solicitor has zero power. The point of this is to rack up legal bills for you and distress and intimidate. Ignore absolutely anything that comes from him and his solicitor. Just keep a log of all of it. Let him make an application to court. I'm sorry you're going through this. These men are absolute arseholes

Absolutely second this as I had to do this at one point too.

Power, control and absolute disbelief that such a fine figure of a man should not be wanted given his nature.

@Toadcatcher Am I right that, via his solicitors, he has now sent you multiple demands and letters in the space of less than 2 weeks?

It really is time to complain. Send a letter directly to the solicitor, referring them to the link/details posted above, and telling them that you consider them to be colluding with him to harass you and you would like it to stop or you will be complaining. Do not refer to any of the claims he has made - this communication is entirely about making sure they understand that THEIR behaviour is a problem.

And I think I've said this before, but you have to start trying to laugh. I particularly loved his claim that he needs financial recompense for storing his children's stuff. hahahahahahah. He could just do what my dad did eventually - throw it all out! I mean, come on, no judge is going to listen to that and go, "You're totally right Mr Dipshit, Toadcatcher should have been paying £20 per month for storage for the last 10 years". Heck, maybe his solicitor is telling him repeatedly he doesn't stand a chance in court so the actual strategy is to harass you so much you eventually pay. Which would be even more reason to complain to his solicitor and consider a more formal complaint.

He is actually back charging 250 per month :-( for storage of kids toys.

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OMG that is hilarious

Can imagine what a judge would say?

Wow...just wow.
Unbelievable.

OP no matter how hard he tries and how, frightened, for want of a better word you may feel he's really pissed off at you as you're showing to be one heck of a strong woman.
Look at you surviving without him, he probably really hates that.

He seems to be getting more desperate with each letter sent, but all it's achieving is showing what a controlling person he is.

Hugs to you..

Sometimes people high up need a good chuckle op. Don't deny them one! My exh tried to have my new dh arrested for assaulting him.
With water bombs..
Police arrived one Bank Holiday Monday to arrest him. Ds teen age admitted he had thrown them at his siblings and one had missed.
Yet exh had made a statement claiming it was a 30 + shaven haired man - not the floppy haired ds!
Apparently he was the laugh of the station.. Should have arrested him for wasting police time and faking a statement..

£250 a month?! Now I truly know how delusional this man is. I laughed out loud at that.

I really wish he would just go to court. I would hi estly ask you to share details so o could.travel to wherever you are to watch the judge laugh at him!!!

And again, his solicitor is clearly accepting instructions from the client while knowing they are ridiculous. Which really makes me.question them too. I am still not 100% convinced he isn't faking the letters.

I would send an email to the directors explaining that you are making a complaint to the SRA regarding harassment but wanted to check that these are legitimate letters first.

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