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Original poster

Money claims from ex partner

502 replies

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 20:18

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2022 11:17

Rights of Women will work out if you are able to successfully apply for a non-molestation or similar to include written correspondence. It may mean that he can still instruct a solicitor BUT you could send the solicitor a copy of the order so they know what kind of client they are dealing with and it will cost your ex money.

Seriously no judge will take this seriously and I doubt he will take you to court because he knows he has no legitimate grounds.

prh47bridge · 08/10/2022 11:18

Toadcatcher · 08/10/2022 09:23

He is again demanding payment within 2 weeks and is threatening to add even more claims if I don’t pay. In the meantime he added separate claims that he sent fir other amounts too that he thinks he can ask me to refund, related to the children. The thing is that he spent more than me while I did not earn a lot of money and could not match what he was spending and I also could not afford this. He booked holidays and then asked me to pay towards them. I did not even want to go on these, but he told me to, because the children would not want to go with him if I was no there. He said this was my fault and I had to pay and come along. He was always arranging things and then telling me to pay for it. I am so confused. He is producing these very long convoluted letters that no one can make any sense of. I am worried that the judge will simply believe him because he is a man, he is English (I am not) and because he speaks with authority.

The fact he is a man and is English is irrelevant as far as the courts are concerned. Speaking with authority may make him more credible as a witness, but that will be undermined if the evidence shows he is demanding money without any basis.

I remain of the view that you should not engage further. Write back saying you deny all claims and leave it at that. Then ignore any subsequent communications unless/until he starts legal action.

prh47bridge · 08/10/2022 11:18

Crumpleton · 08/10/2022 09:42

If he's trying to obtain money from you by deception isn't that a police matter?

No, this is a civil matter. The police won't get involved.

bingbummy · 08/10/2022 11:39

It's not on you to prove the money was a gift, it's on him to prove there was a verbal or written contract for a loan, which I'm guessing he doesn't have?

Do you know what a burden of proof is? Well if not look it up; it's on him.

An engagement ring is obviously a gift as well

Whoever that solicitor is is trying to rip you off.

Just respond on your own that they were gifts. That's it.

If he brings a case to court without evidence he would be laughed out. I wouldn't even bother with a solicitor, I'd just turn up and state they were gifts and little else.

Triffid1 · 08/10/2022 11:51

OP, I can't remember but did you say you were having counselling? Because I think you should discuss how all this makes you feel with your counsellor if you are. He is continuing to abuse and control you and it's working. 50000 people on MN can tell you that he's being ridiculous but one email from him and you're in a complete state again. Which makes sense - he's been abusing you for years so it's easy to default back to that.

Continue to ignore him. If and when it goes to court, that's when you create a very simple explanation of what you think is the situation and take it with you and your solicitor if necessary. In the meantime, you can ignore him.

Just stop for one second and think about this - is there really anyone that thinks that if you went on holiday while in a relationship that he can now ask for that money back? Come on. You know that's completely bonkers.

tribpot · 08/10/2022 14:02

I am worried that the judge will simply believe him because he is a man, he is English (I am not) and because he speaks with authority.

What judge? There is no judge, there is no court case. There's just a sad git sending abusive letters via a solicitor paid for the use of his/her letterhead.

You have to stop engaging in this, unless and until he actually makes it real. I agree with @Triffid1 , it would be much more productive to work with a counsellor on your reaction to his empty threats, rather than giving this any more headspace.

RandomMess · 08/10/2022 15:05

I'm sure this man caused you huge trauma, you are responding in a PTSD way.

Please seek further emotional and psychological support.

skeemee · 08/10/2022 18:48

tribpot · 08/10/2022 14:02

I am worried that the judge will simply believe him because he is a man, he is English (I am not) and because he speaks with authority.

What judge? There is no judge, there is no court case. There's just a sad git sending abusive letters via a solicitor paid for the use of his/her letterhead.

You have to stop engaging in this, unless and until he actually makes it real. I agree with @Triffid1 , it would be much more productive to work with a counsellor on your reaction to his empty threats, rather than giving this any more headspace.

My thoughts exactly… What judge? A solicitors letter is not a court order.
please do not respond. There is no need.
womens aid and Rights of Women are a good idea.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/10/2022 15:35

Unfortunately Rights of Women don’t have the capacity to support me. I don’t live with him and therefore there is no risk for me. They understandably have to prioritise those women, who are in in imminent physical danger.
I gave our local branch a call and they cannot help.
I will look into counselling. There is a long waiting list - even DD had to wait last year but she did get support for 6 months in the end which has helped her enormously.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/10/2022 15:39

That's such a shame.

Have you read up to see what constitutes as harassment? Write a cease & desist letter to him?

As soon as you see

RandomMess · 09/10/2022 16:03

Sorry

As soon as you see it's from him stop reading it and shove it in a drawer or pass onto to someone else to read.

Keep it as evidence but please stop reading them. If he takes you to court you will get court papers come through so there is no need to traumatise yourself by reading them.

You could read up what constitutes as harassment and investigate taking out an order against him should this continue.

Flowers
Isaidnoalready · 09/10/2022 17:49

Another question can you move away?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/10/2022 18:59

We already moved without giving him our address. He got our address via a tracing agent.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 09/10/2022 19:10

Have you contacted paladin?

Isaidnoalready · 09/10/2022 19:12

I understand the children can't change their names or don't want to but you can change yours for example Karen becomes caron, Smith becomes Smyth etc?

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 15/10/2022 00:26

The children never had his name. They dropped his surname completely and changed it by deed poll as soon as they were 16. We could all change our names, but how would this work in this highly visible world? With work etc? Also passports would always have our real names.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 15/10/2022 00:29

I meant the kids never used his name and now dispensed with it completely. But of course he knows their surnames.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 18/10/2022 17:26

Time to respond is almost up again. I will remain silent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 18/10/2022 18:14

If it goes to court, I have a chance to present my side of the story - is this correct? Even if I don’t respond more now to the solicitor?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/10/2022 18:46

Of course. The solicitor letters are meaningless. Him taking you to court is a completely separate thing.

Triffid1 · 19/10/2022 10:39

Toadcatcher · 18/10/2022 18:14

If it goes to court, I have a chance to present my side of the story - is this correct? Even if I don’t respond more now to the solicitor?

Yes, of course. Theoretically, responding to solicitor's letter is a way to point out that actually, the argument/evidence he has is wrong and then the solicitor would recommend he change his plan etc.

But with this man, that's pointless because he's only doing it to stress you out. so even if your evidence convinced his solicitor, which it might, it's clear he's not going to listen to anyone else.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 19/10/2022 13:08

@Triffid1 All the evidence I provided in my response was completely ignored by his solicitor. As though it did not even exist. Instead they provided fabricated letters/emails to show that I was aware of his claims, using phrases like ‘our client’s communication clearly shows’ etc - it’s infuriating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 19/10/2022 13:09

In the follow up letter he was ramping up the insults and character assassinations.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 19/10/2022 13:25

Toadcatcher · 19/10/2022 13:08

@Triffid1 All the evidence I provided in my response was completely ignored by his solicitor. As though it did not even exist. Instead they provided fabricated letters/emails to show that I was aware of his claims, using phrases like ‘our client’s communication clearly shows’ etc - it’s infuriating.

That's why I said "theoretically". He's either lying to his solicitor and/or ignoring his solicitor's advice. So the process of using solicitors to reduce the need to go to any kind of further mediation or court proceedings has been removed from your option list at this point.

Hell, he's so dodgy it's entirely possible these aren't real solicitors.

the point is that replying is pointless because it won't change anything and there is no legal requirement to respond and as it's not adding any value to you, why would you bother?

tribpot · 19/10/2022 14:54

By sending him any evidence, all you're doing is giving him ammo to build his case against you. Of course his solicitor (if he/she exists) ignored it, its purpose had been served by telling him what emails to fake to disprove it.