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My exh hit my 7yo dd earlier this evening. Wwyd?

151 replies

Dalalalada · 01/01/2022 01:20

Exh is abusive. He has 50 50 shared care, court ordered.

He hit dd so hard he left a very harsh mark.

I have called 101, who told me that he has legally chasized his child. I have reported to children's services who will get back to me tomorrow.

I have a picture of the mark he has left on the inside of her.thigh / knee area which i will share but dont know how to, if anyone can tell me.

What do i do? Refuse contact? Return to court? Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 01/01/2022 22:25

Should a child be making the decision about whether or not her father is arrested? I'm not comfortable with that, it should be taken out of her hands.

ablisha · 01/01/2022 22:33

@Auntycorruption

Should a child be making the decision about whether or not her father is arrested? I'm not comfortable with that, it should be taken out of her hands.
I'm pretty sure under the children's act their views have to be considered
Dalalalada · 01/01/2022 22:42

Yes i was surprised partly becuase i was saying i wanted full charges brought and they explained they would follow her wishes.

OP posts:
Dalalalada · 01/01/2022 22:43

Thank you for all the kind words. They are hugely appreciated.

OP posts:
LifePartyRing · 01/01/2022 22:59

I'm sorry you are going through this OP
I'm following carefully because I'm in a not too dissimilar situation and trying to work out how best to take it forward.

There was an assault incident too but it was before Xmas and I don't have evidence other than my child's version of events- that I totally believe but how valid is something where the mark had faded..?

Anyway I hope A&e are helpful in the process for you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2022 23:10

No wonder so many children are falling through the bloody cracks when you have some idiot telling you he "legally chastised" his child. 40 years ago maybe yes. I was smacked as a child only by mum though. My dad was told firmly by my mum 'Any hitting ill do it. My hand's big enough'
Not even over my,dead body would he be seeing my child again.

HunterGatherer · 01/01/2022 23:12

How awful for you both. I had an abusive father, you are absolutely doing the right thing in standing up for her. Flowers

billy1966 · 01/01/2022 23:13

Well done OP.

Your poor child.

nalabae · 01/01/2022 23:23

Everyone gave good advice. 101 and not police officers they are just call handlers

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 02/01/2022 10:55

Since when does a 7 year old dictate arrest procedure?

Jessie75 · 02/01/2022 11:17

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Since when does a 7 year old dictate arrest procedure?
I must’ve met I thought that but equally I’ve had a scenario where my three-year-old was assaulted by the nanny and social services decided that it wasn’t in the child’s best interest to pursue a prosecution. Presumably they thought that witness statements etc be more traumatic for the child than the justice served.
Suzanne999 · 02/01/2022 11:28

@Auntycorruption

Should a child be making the decision about whether or not her father is arrested? I'm not comfortable with that, it should be taken out of her hands.
Agree. Very unfair of the police to put it on a 7 year old. Assault is assault.
Namechangehereandnow · 02/01/2022 11:33

A court doesn’t account for childrens views in residency cases until age 12-13 … so why would the police allow age 7 to decide on arrest? Doesn’t make sense Confused Also, even when adults decide they don’t want to press charges for something, the police can overrule them depending on the crime … Confused

Jessie75 · 02/01/2022 11:34

@Namechangehereandnow

A court doesn’t account for childrens views in residency cases until age 12-13 … so why would the police allow age 7 to decide on arrest? Doesn’t make sense Confused Also, even when adults decide they don’t want to press charges for something, the police can overrule them depending on the crime … Confused
The police will only overrule it though if it’s in the public interests to do so. So if they don’t believe this man is a danger to society and he’s only a danger to his child and his partner they may well drop it who knows.
Spagoot224 · 02/01/2022 12:13

Echoing others but leaving a mark is not, in any way shape or form’ ‘legal chastisement’. I am a CP social worker and I’d be contacting paediatrics for a medical to grade the mark and speaking to the MASH police about crimeing the incident. I’d also speak to your solicitor RE your court order

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 02/01/2022 12:45

@Jessie75 but as you illustrate it's the authorities, police CPS etc who make the decision ultimately.
The choice is not given to a child.
I think there is some confusion/misunderstanding on the part of the OP?

Jessie75 · 02/01/2022 12:47

[quote Ihopeyourcakeisshit]@Jessie75 but as you illustrate it's the authorities, police CPS etc who make the decision ultimately.
The choice is not given to a child.
I think there is some confusion/misunderstanding on the part of the OP?[/quote]
It does seem very odd but then saying that I’ve met some very odd police officers and social workers. I can entirely believe that a social worker or a police officer has said you don’t want to get daddy into trouble do you because it was said to me 20 years ago. Maybe things haven’t changed as much as we hope.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 02/01/2022 12:51

Bloody Hell, that's scary!

gonnabeok · 02/01/2022 13:28

The normal procedure OP is for social services to arrange a paediatric examination in these circumstances rather than just sending you to A & E. The paediatrician then writes a report on their findings which is sent to the police and the social worker and it can be used in a criminal court if your ex is prosecuted for the assault. It would be worth double checking with the police officer/social worker concerned why they haven't done this and are just expecting you to turn up to A & E? If A & E is your only option, it would be worth checking that your daughter is being examined by a paediatrician.

Be aware that these cases can take weeks/months to resolve. Normally the police will refer the case to the CPS to see if it is in the public interest to prosecute. If he admits the hitting he may get a caution if he has no previous convictions. If he denies it, the CPS have to decide whether or not to take the case to court.

Be aware that the police have to follow a victims code of practice. As your dd is the victim and a child the police have to keep you, as her parent updated. This Victim Code of Practice contains information on on how often the police should update you on what is going on with their investigation etc.

Below are what you should expect in terms of updates from the police etc. It is taken from the Victims Code of Practice.

Right 6 - To be provided with information about the investigation and prosecution:-

6.1 You have the Right to be told by the police when key decisions on the investigation are made and, where applicable, to have the reasons explained to you within 5 working days (1 working
day under Enhanced Rights – see page 10 of this Code) of a suspect being:

§ arrested;
§ interviewed under caution;
§ released without charge; and
§ released on police bail or under investigation or if police bail conditions are changed or cancelled.

6.2 If the police decide not to investigate your case, you will be given an explanation of this decision within 5 working days (1 working day under Enhanced Rights – see page 10 of this Code). The
police will also offer you a referral to a support service.

6.3 Where the police do investigate your case, they will discuss with you how often you would like to receive updates and your preferred method of contact. You can update your preferences at any time.

6.4 The investigation and decision on whether the case should go to court can take a long time and there may be long periods between key decisions. The police will discuss with you if you would
like contact during this time and provide you with contact details if you have any questions during the investigation.

6.5 There may be times when a service provider is unable to provide you with updates and/or use your preferred method of contact, but in these instances, they will tell you why.

6.6 In some cases, the police or the Crown Prosecution Service may decide to deal with the case without taking it to court. This is called an out of court disposal. This enables the incident to be dealt with relatively quickly and may prove more effective in preventing further offences.

6.7 Where the police or the Crown Prosecution Service are considering an out of court disposal (Alternatives to prosecution, such as cautions, conditional cautions)you have the Right to be asked for your views and to have these views taken into account when a decision is made. Where this is not possible for practical reasons, the police or the Crown Prosecution Service will tell you why.

6.8 The police or the Crown Prosecution Service will take the final decision after considering the full circumstances of the offence and your views. You have the Right to be told the reasons for their
decision within 5 working days (1 working day under Enhanced Rights – see page 10 of this Code) of an out of court disposal being given to the offender.

6.9 When the police have finished their investigation, they may decide what should happen next or, for more serious crimes, pass the information to the Crown Prosecution Service, who will then
decide if there is enough evidence to take the case to court.

6.10 If the police or the Crown Prosecution Service decide not to prosecute the suspect, you have the Right to be told within 5 working days (1 working day under Enhanced Rights – see page 10 of
this Code) of the decision of:

§ the reasons for the decision;
§ how you can get further information;
§ how to seek a review and make representations under the National Police Chiefs’ Council or the Crown Prosecution Service Victims’ Right to Review scheme;32 and § how to be referred to a support service.

6.11 If you are unhappy with a police or a Crown Prosecution Service decision not to prosecute the suspect, you have the Right to ask for a review under the National Police Chiefs’ Council or Crown Prosecution Service Victims’ Right to Review schemes.

I hope this helps OP, many people don't know about it but it is worth being aware of it so you are kept informed.

Yaaasqween · 02/01/2022 13:40

Long time lurker or mumsnet forums but your thread has prompted me to take the plunge and create an account. Just wanted to say what an incredible mum you are and how lucky your daughter is to have you fighting for her. I grew up in a household where violence was common. My dad would hit my siblings and I regularly, always leaving marks. I wish my mum had been as strong as you to stand up for us.

blowupthehouseandmove · 02/01/2022 15:29

@Yaaasqween

Long time lurker or mumsnet forums but your thread has prompted me to take the plunge and create an account. Just wanted to say what an incredible mum you are and how lucky your daughter is to have you fighting for her. I grew up in a household where violence was common. My dad would hit my siblings and I regularly, always leaving marks. I wish my mum had been as strong as you to stand up for us.
Flowers
Namechangehereandnow · 02/01/2022 16:11

jessie … the point I was trying to make was why would the police ask a 7 year old what she wants, if the courts only apply this to 12-13 year olds minimum? … it just doesn’t make sense

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 03/01/2022 21:46

How are things now? Any progress with police or social care?

TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons · 03/01/2022 21:49

@Ironingtsunami

Ex child protection social worker here. To reiterate what's been said already, 'reasonable chastisement' would be a smack that doesn't leave a mark. Leaving a mark (eg red mark or bruise) would be an obvious tipping point for me, unless there were some clear extenuating circs (eg grabbing a child harshly and leaving a bruise when the situation was of pulling them away from danger, or if they had a to medical condition that meant they marked more easily)

As others have said, thigh is a more unusual and worrying place to mark. If you tap a [walking/toddling] child in stress, it's usually going to be hand/forearm/bum, maybe back or outside of the upper legs at a push. Inside thigh worries me. It makes me wonder if they were hit while lying on their back, for an example.

You have every right (and I'd strongly encourage) to postpone any further contact until you've spoken to your local children's services. Cancelling contact can be perceived as overly aggressive; you're not cancelling you just need to get some advice first. Wait for that advice and go from there.

Also DC with cystic fibrosis mark incredibly easily. I used to leave red handprints lifting DS1 out of the bath. I was very reassured when the CF nurses told me this was normal.
whynotwhatknot · 05/01/2022 20:11

Any update have they chargd him?

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