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Original poster

Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

242 replies

Kate896 · 18/11/2021 22:47

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

OP posts:
Gliderx · 19/11/2021 21:09

But again this is unfair. If a mother is breastfeeding, obviously they're going to have more custody until weaned. You're saying that that would then be the status quo and so the father would never get a look in.

There is no 'fair' or 'unfair' when it comes to children. There is only what is best for the child.

If a breastfed child has been exclusively looked after by the mother for the first year or so of their life and hasn't been away from the mother for more than a few hours, then it is not going to be in their interests to suddenly change that. Any arrangement for 50/50 care would have to be built up to gradually. That's not the situation here, but there is a baby who is predominantly used to being looked after by their mother.

azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 21:15

@madisonbridges

"Nobody has to move out of the marital home, and certainly not usually the children. It's a very unusual thing to do. Usually the parents remain in the family home until it's sold, or the child and the child's main caregiver stay to give the child some stability." ..............

No one has to move out but for the sake of their mental health, usually one person does. But both have lived with the child. Both are capable of caring for their needs. So the child could have stayed with the father as much as the mother.

So you think that the most reasonable thing to do is to kick the child's main caregiver out of the family home? So it's justified even though it's terrible for everyone except the father? I can see that the child's needs barely register for you, so that says it all.
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 22:00

@Gliderx. Both parents have been present during the child's life. Both are good parents. When a mother goes back to work, do they typically take a few months to leaving the child in a nursery 45 - 50 hours a week at 1yo? Why is it OK to leave a child with nursery workers that they've never met. But leaving a child with a good father that they know and love needs a few years of working up to!

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 22:10

"So you think that the most reasonable thing to do is to kick the child's main caregiver out of the family home? So it's justified even though it's terrible for everyone except the father? I can see that the child's needs barely register for you, so that says it all."
............
I don't believe that when a couple is together, you would ever view the man as a the main caregiver. So moving out is going to be terrible for somebody. You just have the stance that it should always be terrible for the man. You seem incapable of considering that a child's needs can be met just as well by men as by women. So much for equality.

Evelyn52 · 19/11/2021 22:14

He wouldn't get 50/50 in a child this young, go to court and get your CM

azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 22:32

@madisonbridges

"So you think that the most reasonable thing to do is to kick the child's main caregiver out of the family home? So it's justified even though it's terrible for everyone except the father? I can see that the child's needs barely register for you, so that says it all." ............ I don't believe that when a couple is together, you would ever view the man as a the main caregiver. So moving out is going to be terrible for somebody. You just have the stance that it should always be terrible for the man. You seem incapable of considering that a child's needs can be met just as well by men as by women. So much for equality.
But nobody has to move out. If he feels that someone moving out is necessary for his mental health then it should be him. Kicking out his wife and child for HIS mental health is indicative of his priorities.
Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:38

@Evelyn52

He wouldn't get 50/50 in a child this young, go to court and get your CM
Of course he would. This isn’t the 1950s.
Original poster
Kate896 · 19/11/2021 23:19

[quote madisonbridges]@Gliderx. Both parents have been present during the child's life. Both are good parents. When a mother goes back to work, do they typically take a few months to leaving the child in a nursery 45 - 50 hours a week at 1yo? Why is it OK to leave a child with nursery workers that they've never met. But leaving a child with a good father that they know and love needs a few years of working up to![/quote]
@madisonbridges

If the baby is at nursery they would still see their mother in the morning and evenings. Different situation.
This situation would be where the baby doesn't not see their mother for 3 consecutive nights. It's different. Like PP have said, if the baby has been used to one caregiver this would be traumatic for them.

OP posts:
YesIamTHATmum · 20/11/2021 06:51

Some of you are too emotionally involved in this thread.
The baby is 7 months old, not bf and the dad actually wants equal involvement in his sons life. The courts will like that and grant this request.
The op herself says he is a good parent and cares for the baby as needed. This is not the 1950s.

Mums are not legally more important than dads in this country. It's a good idea for the mum to get a full time job and not rely on dad for financial support esp if he is self employed.

The op really should talk to a family law solicitor.

YesIamTHATmum · 20/11/2021 06:52

@Kate896 the baby knows the dad and has care from the dad already. The courts will not see 50/50 care of the baby by each parent as 'traumatic'

Donutsrock · 20/11/2021 07:01

This thread makes me very sad. Dad clearly does not want to pay maintenance and that is his primary motivation for 50:50.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Kate896 · 20/11/2021 07:53

Many thanks for all your replies. I can see that viewpoint is divided.

Just thinking to the future... If he does get 50:50 what would happen with schooling? We live 30 miles apart. Would he have to go to a school midway, or close to one of us? Would courts then decide which school is best if we can't agree between ourselves?

He is in a position where he may be able to pay for private school with help from his family. Would the courts favour this? Could my DS potentially end up living with his dad 5 days out of 7 when he reaches school age? As private school would be deemed in best interest for him??

There is a private school close to his house. There is also another private school close to where I am living at the moment.

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 20/11/2021 07:55

I’m always surprised by these threads. You made a baby with another adult. This adult is the father. This father wants 50:50 care. We slag off dads that don’t. We should be supporting this dad who does. Unless of course you made a baby with a dangerous man who can’t be trusted to look after his baby. But this isn’t the case. This would be a dream case for the courts. Start slowly. Do one night a week. On that night see your friends or work. 13 years time the baby can choose who he wants to see. It really isn’t long. You need to work.

Feelingoktoday · 20/11/2021 07:59

@Kate896

Many thanks for all your replies. I can see that viewpoint is divided.

Just thinking to the future... If he does get 50:50 what would happen with schooling? We live 30 miles apart. Would he have to go to a school midway, or close to one of us? Would courts then decide which school is best if we can't agree between ourselves?

He is in a position where he may be able to pay for private school with help from his family. Would the courts favour this? Could my DS potentially end up living with his dad 5 days out of 7 when he reaches school age? As private school would be deemed in best interest for him??

There is a private school close to his house. There is also another private school close to where I am living at the moment.

That’s a long time away. Just deal with the situation now. I would imagine you would choose a school in the middle. 15 miles isn’t far. Secondary school is very different - kids get buses and trains. Private schools are often not local so parents drive.

There are lots of 50:50 plans. Week on week off. My friends use to rotate each week which worked so did 4 nights one week then 3 nights the next and so on so the gap from each parent wasn’t very long.

Feelingoktoday · 20/11/2021 08:00

Start with one night or one day. See how that goes. Good luck. It isn’t easy and I feel for you. But he is the dad.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2021 09:25

@Feelingoktoday

Start with one night or one day. See how that goes. Good luck. It isn’t easy and I feel for you. But he is the dad.
He already has the child one night a week overnight, at least read the op.
Donutsrock · 20/11/2021 09:55

@Feelingoktoday

I’m always surprised by these threads. You made a baby with another adult. This adult is the father. This father wants 50:50 care. We slag off dads that don’t. We should be supporting this dad who does. Unless of course you made a baby with a dangerous man who can’t be trusted to look after his baby. But this isn’t the case. This would be a dream case for the courts. Start slowly. Do one night a week. On that night see your friends or work. 13 years time the baby can choose who he wants to see. It really isn’t long. You need to work.
I wouldn’t.

I would slag off a dad who wanted to do nothing, but not one who recognised the needs of the child and that going from having most of their time with a primary carer to 50:50 is huge, especially for a child as young as OP’s.

It’s amazing how many dads who showed little interest previously suddenly want to step up when they realise what it will cost them.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2021 10:05

For goodness sake, she never said he showed little interest and he has the baby one night a week over night, ans as the baby is only seven months old, and she’d have been on maternity before the split you’d expect her to do the bulk of the childcare. It’s not huge for the child to go from one night to three or four at this age, get a grip.

Gliderx · 20/11/2021 10:08

Anyone who does 50/50 care of nursery-aged children to avoid paying CM is a complete numpty. £200 or £300 a month or whatever they have to pay is easily swallowed up in 3-4 days of full-time childcare.

BillMasen · 20/11/2021 10:34

@Gliderx

Anyone who does 50/50 care of nursery-aged children to avoid paying CM is a complete numpty. £200 or £300 a month or whatever they have to pay is easily swallowed up in 3-4 days of full-time childcare.
Maybe they want to do it to see their child?? Not for money?

Like some of us have been saying

azimuth299 · 20/11/2021 13:56

@Kate896

Many thanks for all your replies. I can see that viewpoint is divided.

Just thinking to the future... If he does get 50:50 what would happen with schooling? We live 30 miles apart. Would he have to go to a school midway, or close to one of us? Would courts then decide which school is best if we can't agree between ourselves?

He is in a position where he may be able to pay for private school with help from his family. Would the courts favour this? Could my DS potentially end up living with his dad 5 days out of 7 when he reaches school age? As private school would be deemed in best interest for him??

There is a private school close to his house. There is also another private school close to where I am living at the moment.

It's likely that your child won't be able to go to a primary school in between - he will in all likelihood have to go to the catchment primary school near his main address, unless you decide to go private. You're living 30 miles apart now but that is likely to change right? As the marital home will be sold and you will both find more permanent housing. Don't worry about schooling right now though, things may have changed again by the time you get there.
Donutsrock · 20/11/2021 14:34

@Kate896

No I'm not breastfeeding. I have looked after our baby the vast majority of the time and have done every night shift since he was born. Not that that makes any difference legally.
Doesn't sound like a massively interested dad to me.

Those of us who have been there have seen this pattern over and over. Everything’s fine till the mum says “actually, I think you should start paying maintenance” then suddenly 50:50 becomes their obsession. Many men simply don’t value the childcare their partners do until they think they might have to give them cold, hard cash for it.

plumsageplum · 20/11/2021 14:40

I'm surprised 50/50 is normal. Is that only for families with no "issues?". Most people I know do EOW and longer during the holidays. What would happen if one of you moved further away? I lived an hour and a bits drive from my mum.

plumsageplum · 20/11/2021 14:46

15 miles isn’t far.

It's very far to go to school every morning imo. Unreasonably far. No walking to school, no scooting/biking? Driving 15 miles to and from every day? I actually don't think dad will want 50/50 once he realises the actual implications and things he will have to do.

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 20/11/2021 15:00

50/50

The baby is young and perfectly able to be raised equally by both parents.

Gosh I feel sorry for so many decent fathers out there who are denied an equal input in the child's upbringing.

Yes there are some deadbeat dads out there but this is not the majority