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Original poster

Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

242 replies

Kate896 · 18/11/2021 22:47

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:30

@Gliderx

Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities. I think sometimes people forget this.

Contact arrangements are decided based on best interests of the child. There is no 'right' to 50/50 care, there is no 'right' to be primary carer.

Actually parents do have rights. Those rights will be exercised in the best interests of th child but they do indeed habe legal rights and a court will enforce them.

In addition there is nothing to say it is not in th child’s interests to be with their father fifty percent of the time.

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 16:39

@Gliderx

Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities. I think sometimes people forget this.

Contact arrangements are decided based on best interests of the child. There is no 'right' to 50/50 care, there is no 'right' to be primary carer.

Exactly

It’s best for the child that 50:50 starts as soon as possible. I and others think 7months is ok, some disagree

There’s no automatic right the number has to be primary carer

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 16:39

Number = mother

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:42

It’s best for the child that 50:50 starts as soon as possible. I and others think 7months is ok, some disagree

As long as the father is capable, and it appears he is, I also think it’s in the child’s best interests to go for 50/50 ASAP. This way the child develops an equal relationship with both parents, and knows no different. Does not need to adjust to a change when they are older Ie two, where they may find it difficult.

I understand that’s not in the ops best interests, but I do think as long as he is a capable loving parent then it is in the child’s.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 16:49

Actually parents do have rights. Those rights will be exercised in the best interests of th child but they do indeed habe legal rights and a court will enforce them.

No they don't. It's called 'parental responsibility' rather than 'parental rights' for a reason. Parents have no legal rights to contact with their children - it all depends on what is best for the child.

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 16:52

@Gliderx

He has this right, he doesn’t need to say well you did it all at the beginning so i forego my rights,

It's odd that he wants to go 50/50 just as they're splitting though. Timing's a bit fishy.

But they lived together and he was working while she was on maternity leave. Op says he's a good dad. Maybe he considered living with the child was giving him 100% access. So 50:50 is a step down for him, as it is for the mother. And I don't know why it's iffy timing, he wouldn't ask for any time at all when they were still together.
Gliderx · 19/11/2021 16:56

And I don't know why it's iffy timing, he wouldn't ask for any time at all when they were still together.

But he might, for example, do night feeds or take the baby out at the weekend by himself. You know, get involved with parenting.

azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 17:43

It's not appropriate for a seven month old baby to have a 50/50 agreement when he has had one main caregiver for his whole life. The courts are highly unlikely to order it too. It might well be appropriate for older children, but in this case it's likely that it will begin with a few hours alone and work up to overnights. That's because the child's best interest is the top priority, not the feelings of the parents.

PandaP0p · 19/11/2021 18:02

@DillonPanthersTexas I'll live with you thinking that Grin

converseandjeans · 19/11/2021 18:11

Do you plan to go back to work? Maybe he is trying to pre-empt you stopping work.

There's no reason why you couldn't go back to work now - I had no choice as we had no money so I was back at 4 months with DD then 6 months with DS. A year off is great if you have a partner on a good salary or if you have a well paid job to go back to.

If he's a good Dad then 50-50 could work. However I would find this difficult. So I can see why you're not keen.

azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 18:12

If his priority was the wellbeing of his child he wouldn't have thrown the child and the child's mother out of the family home.

converseandjeans · 19/11/2021 18:25

azimuth

If his priority was the wellbeing of his child he wouldn't have thrown the child and the child's mother out of the family home.

Oh didn't read that - no it doesn't sound like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 18:30

@Gliderx

And I don't know why it's iffy timing, he wouldn't ask for any time at all when they were still together.

But he might, for example, do night feeds or take the baby out at the weekend by himself. You know, get involved with parenting.

You don't know what he did or didn't do but this is the ops attitude towards fathers caring for their children... Baby is 7 months old. For the baby's emotional attachment and care he needs to be with his mother most of the time. It's nature. It's not encouraging a father to have the child a large portion of the time. She says he's a good father. He worked 5 days a week while she was being paid to look after the baby. But that's all coming to an end and the op will be returning to work. The perfect time to split care 50:50 before op is back to FT.
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 18:54

@azimuth299

If his priority was the wellbeing of his child he wouldn't have thrown the child and the child's mother out of the family home.
But that's where his income is based. He wants 50:50 custody. So if he works there and is having custody, why shouldn't he keep the house?
azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 19:02

@madisonbridges he doesn't need to kick his wife and child out in order to continue to live and work in the house. Doing it means that he is seeing a lot less of his child, and that the child, who is already having to go through lots of changes, has limited access to his former home. It clearly shows that his behaviour is motivated by punishing his wife rather than acting in the best interests of his child.

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 19:39

@azimuth299 It doesn't show anything of the sort. If they're splitting up, someone has to move out. I mean you could say if the mother was so concerned about the welfare of a 7mth no longer living in its home, she could have left and given custody to the father whilst taking one night a week for herself.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 19:45

House is likely to have to be sold anyway unless there are substantial other assets to rehouse both OP and her ex. So he'll probably lose his workplace anyway.

It's a bit odd that he kicked them both out. Absent abuse (by either party), the usual thing would be for both of them to stay put in the family home until the divorce and financial arrangements are finalised.

Certainly he has no legal right to kick them out without an occupation order.

Original poster
Kate896 · 19/11/2021 20:14

@WhateverIdo

Probably not what you want to hear, but we do 60/40 and started that at 10 months old and it actually works really really well.neither of us pay maintenance due to the split and baby seems securely attached to both of us.

It can work. Highly recommend 60/40, I read quite a bit around it and kids find this easier than 50/50 apparently.

@WhateverIdo

Silly question but how do you do 60/40?
Is it 3 days one parent, 4 days the other?

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 20:18

I don't think it's usual for both parties to live together til the divorce at all. And I agree that he can't kick her out but he probably refused to go so hence the op termed her leaving as being forced to leave.
And yes. he'll lose his workplace but he'll have time to plan it if the house is being sold as opposed to having to find at short notice a suitable place to rent that he can live in and run a business out of it as well.
Honestly, though, I'm not interested in their living conditions. I just believe that men are entitled to equal custody to women.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 20:21

Men have no entitlement to equal/primary custody. Neither do women.

The child has the right to the care arrangements which are in their best interests. And that will depend on the particular child, their age, the parents' circumstances and the status quo to date.

WhateverIdo · 19/11/2021 20:38

The way it works for us is I have them 5 days one week (he has two overnights) and then the following week I have them 3 nights and he has a midweek overnight then the whole weekend. So he has them 2 night, 4 nights. The overall split my way is probably higher as I have them all day and he collects at half 5 on his pick up days.

It's works, it allows me to work, and him to work and gives us both a little breathing space.

mathanxiety · 19/11/2021 20:41

@Kate896

Do not talk to your exH any more about this. DO NOT show him studies on bonding with a primary carer.

GET A SOLICITOR who is experienced in high conflict divorce, because that is what you are about to experience with this man.

He only wants to shirk child support. He hates you.

No more talking!!!

azimuth299 · 19/11/2021 20:49

[quote madisonbridges]@azimuth299 It doesn't show anything of the sort. If they're splitting up, someone has to move out. I mean you could say if the mother was so concerned about the welfare of a 7mth no longer living in its home, she could have left and given custody to the father whilst taking one night a week for herself.[/quote]
Nobody has to move out of the marital home, and certainly not usually the children. It's a very unusual thing to do. Usually the parents remain in the family home until it's sold, or the child and the child's main caregiver stay to give the child some stability.

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 20:52

@Gliderx

Men have no entitlement to equal/primary custody. Neither do women.

The child has the right to the care arrangements which are in their best interests. And that will depend on the particular child, their age, the parents' circumstances and the status quo to date.

But again this is unfair. If a mother is breastfeeding, obviously they're going to have more custody until weaned. You're saying that that would then be the status quo and so the father would never get a look in.
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 21:00

"Nobody has to move out of the marital home, and certainly not usually the children. It's a very unusual thing to do. Usually the parents remain in the family home until it's sold, or the child and the child's main caregiver stay to give the child some stability."
..............

No one has to move out but for the sake of their mental health, usually one person does. But both have lived with the child. Both are capable of caring for their needs. So the child could have stayed with the father as much as the mother.