Am I being reasonable in family law issue?

[JoJo2106]

Hi,

I was wondering if I could get some quick advice from someone in the know.

I have a 3 year old son and have a child arrangement order with my sons dad. This is currently every weekend at the moment and has been for the last 2 years. Ds was only around 16 months old when the order was made so obviously not in school etc so every weekend was granted. This has worked fine up to now, but ds is obviously getting older and he now goes to nursery 4 days a week and his dad still has every weekend. He doesn't start school until next year when he's 5 and I happened to mention to his dad in the contact book about alternate weekends once ds is in school. The legal adviser in court 2 years ago was the one that had said it will change once ds is in school. She actually asked me at the time if I was working as i think she would have advised for alternate weekends straight away but I'm not working as I am medically signed off due to severe endometriosis. So she left it as it was at every weekend but did mention it can and will change as our situation changes ie: ds going to school.

My ex has no recollection of this clearly judging by his response as he said he will never ever agree to alternate weekends and that I have to take him to court, hes already told me he wont agree to it in mediation either so it will go to court he said. I have basically said to him do you honestly expect me just to take ds to school and pick him up again 5 days a week and he has every weekend still and by the sound of it this is exactly what he expects.

I was under the impression once ds started school it would change to alternate weekends, possibly a midweek if dad is able and half of all school holidays. Am.i been unreasonable in thinking this is what might happen once ds starts school. I would basically just be back and forward to school 5 days a week, making meals putting to bed and that is it. All while his dad had all the fun every single weekend.

Can anyone help me with this to let me know if I'm thinking along the right lines. I'm so stressed out by how selfish and nasty he has been to me in the contact book. It's more or less been made all about him and not the interests of our son.

Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling on

Hopefully once your dh gets legal advice and gets told he doesn’t have a leg to stand on (which he will), he will back down without court.
No court is going to award him every weekend.

@FontyMcFontface I would hope this happens but knowing him and his "I'm always right" attitude I think he will go to court. But fingers crossed he sees sense. I'm not spending the next 10 years doing school runs and not even been able to have a day away on a weekend. The problem is hes looking at it as what he wants, not what is best for ds. This happens a lot.

Court won’t stand for that. They’re fond of saying ‘there are no parental rights, only parental responsibilities’. DS has a right to social time and down time with both sides of his family - days out, leisure time, friends over, seeing your side of the family etc.
His dad is never going to convince a court to award him every weekend, it just isn’t a reasonable thing to ask.

He could ask for more time in the week, and sort childcare if he has to work, just like you would have to on your days. That is the answer to the very unreasonable poster above who thinks you’re reducing his dad’s God given right to contact time 🤨

How are pp saying it’s cutting dads access by 50%?
He currently has 8 nights per month, changed to alternate weekends and a night during the week every week is still 8 nights.
There needs to be some flexibility as kids age and needs change.
My DP has a hellish time with his ex, he wants to be able to pick kids up more or different days to sit the DC (2 are teens) but ex insists he sticks rigidly to his two set days but it’s ok if she wants them to come other days 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm a dad and I think you are right.

It can't be right you have no weekend time with your son. You should offer shared care or alternate weekends and he can see how he wants to pick the bones out.

Thank you to all that has commented. It's good to know the majority agree with me. Feeling a lot more optimistic about it now. But for now I think it will be more cautious optimism as you just never know.

@Skeptadad, Thank you that is nice to hear that from a dad. Unfortunately he can't do shared care as he works away Mon to Fri, I think alternate weekends will have to be what I go for. I am happy for him to have midweek contact but with him mainly working away it's not something I think would be possible. But i still shouldn't miss out on weekends because of this as it's not my fault. If we carried on his way my son would end up viewing me as a carer and his dad the fun parent. Just hope it all works out in the end 🤞

Well fundamentally he is then prioritising his work over his son. I am self employed and will make my work fit around my daughter. Or if I needed to I would find a different way of making a living so I could have my daughter on a shared care basis.

It seems you are being punished because he is prioritising his work.

@Skeptadad that's exactly what solicitor said yesterday that I shouldn't be penalised for his job. He is always saying stuff like if it wasn't for my job I'd have went for 50/50 at the time and got it. Well why not change your job then? At the same time though even if he got an new job and got 50/50, he still wouldn't actually be able to facilitate a school run 5 days a week. Hes got no-one to take ds to school for 9am and pick back up at 3.30 as he would be at work. He lives alone and has a mortgage, car etc so he has to work full time. The job hes in now is really early starts and works away Mon to Fri. So I'm not sure how that would work tbh. I don't think he will leave where he is if I'm honest as hes been there years and he had the chance of a new job years ago before ds was born, 3 days on 3 days off. A lot more money and he turned it down cos he wanted to stay where he was.

So if he still has that way of thinking, then no he can't just expect me to be punished and have no weekends ever cos of his job.

Sounds like nonsense. I am a single man with a lot of overheads. He is making his own choices. I choose my daughter over my career and before that decision I was in the top 5% of earners.

It's not that easy to get 50/50 when there is an established relationship with a resident parent and it would need to be in your son's best interest and your ex has a history of prioritizing work so hardly stellar credentials.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Also see whether you can get at least an expectation that he facilitates attending parties/ school events on 'his' days. So many children miss out on going to parties, school fairs, hanging with mates when older, Saturday jobs because it happens to fall on their father's time. Whilst I don't think necessarily things like football every week should be enforced on a weekend, party invites etc should be facilitated where reasonably feasible. Obviously a grandparent's 60th would trump a classmates 5th but it is sad when a child can't go to parties because a father won't let them go to soft play for 2hrs on a Saturday on 'their' day.

@Skeptadad well yes this is what I think, if he really wanted extra time with our son why not find a new job. He can't even take up his midweek contact on a Wednesday which is only for 2.5 hours. I stupidly agreed to add that on to his weekend contact so I get ds back 2.5 hours later than I should. Stupid of me but I was trying to be amicable. Don't know why I bother because I get nothing back and now been told I will never have a weekend ever with my own child.

I thought the courts were pretty big on 50/50 now? He told me his solicitor told him he would get it if it wasn't for his job. I really hope you're right and there's nothing to worry about.

@Cattitudes yes I would hope he would do this too. That's another thing I was thinking earlier, if my ex had every single weekend going forward, when would I be able to throw a party for ds Birthday, you know like for school friends etc as this is normally on a weekend..or even if he wanted a school friend to stay the night at our house. Stuff like this would never happen if he gets his way. I just can't believe he wants every weekend and then he would get half of all school holidays too. I would get 6.5 weeks (half the school hols) a year out of 52 to do fun stuff and that is it, and even they wouldnt be full weeks as his dad would have the weekend. It's just not reasonable at all.

Let’s hope he sees sense, but I’m not holding my breath.

I saw you said you communicate through the contact book. Make sure you photograph it and back up the photos every time it swaps, especially if it shows where you have been reasonable and accommodating.

Contact books often mysteriously go missing just before court dates, especially if they show one parent in a particularly favourable light.

I think you being flexible on the 2.5 hours he couldn’t do during the week and adding them into his weekend contact does have a value now. You have shown that when you can flex you will and therefore when you say you can’t you truly can’t rather than you’re just being difficult. I agree take action now and potentially ask for it to be start ASAP as your son will already be in nursery 4 days a week and can get used to the new schedule before he starts school.
And yes, I second the advice to have photos and back up of photos of the contact book!

You sound very reasonable OP. Hope you get what you are asking. And dad can take additional time in the week. Or be grateful he doesn't need to organise childcare during the week as you are accommodating his work.

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese no I'm not holding my breath either lol, I know he will take it as far as court. Its just ridiculous. I will be very very shocked if the court give him every weekend still. Surely not though? Something sadly wrong if they do.

Yes we communicate via contact book, but the last few months if anything needs arranged like holiday contact or anything we also text too. That was another idea of mind to try to soften things a bit and also as it was a lot quicker to text to arrange stuff like that rather than waiting a week for a reply back in the book. I could honestly kick myself now for been so soft.

@JustOneMoreRun thank you yes this is the thing I am pleased about, he literally has nothing over me at all. He can't stand up in court and say I have done this or that or been unreasonable and difficult etc. If anything I've done stuff to help him, along with the adding the weekday contact onto his weekends, I've been flexible with his holiday contact too, the last 2 years he has taken them much later than he should have, and the summer holiday contact for last year (2 weeks) I actually let him take one of them in February of this year and that was half term week. I didn't have to agree to that at all it was supposed to be summer holiday contact from the previous year. I even sent him photos of DS in his little nursery uniform on his first day since I had started texting him again. I thought it was a nice thing to do, and again its not something I actually had to do but I wanted to. I didnt expect to have to go through court just to get weekends with my own son. I am starting to feel now that any new court order we get I am going to just stick to what is says religiously and no swapping things here and there like I have been. That way everyone knows where they are at.

@Sally872 he works away Mon to Fri the majority of the time so he cant do midweek unfortunately. But my previous solicitor called me yesterday for a telephone appointment and he said I shouldn't be penalised for his job, ds deserves quality time with both parents not just one. And it's not really my fault his job stops him.doing that is it so I'm hoping I do get the alternate weekends 🤞 I would just be viewed as a carer by DS and dad the fun parent if he gets his way.

He may not be able to do an extra day during week but that isn't your problem. Offer it as a solution to him complaining about less time. Then it is his choice to accept alternate weekends only or find another job.

If he can't do any weekdays because of his job that isnt your fault. I agree with what most people say thst it should be alternate weekends.

@Sally872 thank you, yes I was going to offer that anyways and it is up to him if he takes it. As you say he should change his job if he is that bothered about his extra time..I have some more free legal advice on Tuesday, just one of those free 30 minute appointments over the phone but I thought its best to get a couple of opinions before I go any further. But I'm so pleased it's all been positive on here too that gives me confidence in what I'm doing

@Viviennemary thank you very much, I appreciate that

Is he paying for his Solicitor? I am sure they will tell him whatever he wants to hear to keep billing him. You should hear my Solicitor go on about the most ridiculous things but @ £250.00 an hour they will say whatever for more billable hours.

In your instance it wouldn't even matter if shared care was the norm as your ex can't accommodate it. That leaves weekends and it's only fair you split them if he can't do shared care.

@Skeptadad, yes he was. He doesn't have a solicitor at present as it's not got that far yet as we only had the conversation the other day about the alternate weekends. But once a apply for mediation I am.sure he will be back on the phone to him. This was about 2 years ago when we first went through court his solicitor had said he could get 50/50. Ds was only about 1 at the time aswell. But 2 years or more has passed and hes still not changed his job so he can't be that bothered can he.

I agree though they will do and say anything you are paying them to do. Don't trust any of them if I'm honest. But I'd rather have someone in my corner than not, especially if he has a solicitor I'd hate to attend alone. In just hoping he sees sense once his solicitor (hopefully) advises him that the court will most likely grant the alternate weekends. But knowing him probably not 😕

I think that’s unfair about most solicitors. Good ones have more than enough work. They don’t need to keep cases strung out. Go for the contact you want and stick to it. It’s not the most complex case a solicitor will deal with.