Am I being reasonable in family law issue?

[JoJo2106]

Hi,

I was wondering if I could get some quick advice from someone in the know.

I have a 3 year old son and have a child arrangement order with my sons dad. This is currently every weekend at the moment and has been for the last 2 years. Ds was only around 16 months old when the order was made so obviously not in school etc so every weekend was granted. This has worked fine up to now, but ds is obviously getting older and he now goes to nursery 4 days a week and his dad still has every weekend. He doesn't start school until next year when he's 5 and I happened to mention to his dad in the contact book about alternate weekends once ds is in school. The legal adviser in court 2 years ago was the one that had said it will change once ds is in school. She actually asked me at the time if I was working as i think she would have advised for alternate weekends straight away but I'm not working as I am medically signed off due to severe endometriosis. So she left it as it was at every weekend but did mention it can and will change as our situation changes ie: ds going to school.

My ex has no recollection of this clearly judging by his response as he said he will never ever agree to alternate weekends and that I have to take him to court, hes already told me he wont agree to it in mediation either so it will go to court he said. I have basically said to him do you honestly expect me just to take ds to school and pick him up again 5 days a week and he has every weekend still and by the sound of it this is exactly what he expects.

I was under the impression once ds started school it would change to alternate weekends, possibly a midweek if dad is able and half of all school holidays. Am.i been unreasonable in thinking this is what might happen once ds starts school. I would basically just be back and forward to school 5 days a week, making meals putting to bed and that is it. All while his dad had all the fun every single weekend.

Can anyone help me with this to let me know if I'm thinking along the right lines. I'm so stressed out by how selfish and nasty he has been to me in the contact book. It's more or less been made all about him and not the interests of our son.

Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling on

@aprilwasverywet see that's the thing, anything that has been swapped has been to accommodate him because of his work. He previously had a Wednesday 4pm til 6.30pm but his job involves mainly working away mon to Fri so more often than not he couldn't do the Wednesday so I actually added those 2 and a half hours onto his weekend contact as he asked if we could do that. So I did. And also his summer holiday contact the last 2 years have both been taken later than they should and he has actually just had a week in February which should have been part of last years summer holiday contact. I try and be amicable but this is the crap I get.

@JoJo2106 that’s good and I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

If it ends up in court make sure you add in who gets mothers day and fathers day etc because he won't swap if he doesn't get every weekend by the sounds of it

@Theunamedcat

If it ends up in court make sure you add in who gets mothers day and fathers day etc because he won't swap if he doesn't get every weekend by the sounds of it

And son’s birthdays and Christmas/ New Year too. And permission for either parent to take DS on holiday (both in UK and abroad).

@theunamedcat thankfully that is already in the order, so is DS'S Birthday and Christmas etc

There's lots of options but I would suggest 50/50 but alternating weekends

The court order means he is offered those times. Unless stated it isn't up to you to make up his hours... Men like him you give an inch they take a mile... He can sort child care if he so wished.. You aren't it.

@motogogo the OP has said he works away Mon-Fri so how will that work when the child is at school? They cannot do 50/50 unless the Dad is willing to change his job and sort out after school care unless he is able to actually facilitate a school run.

@JoJo2106 also to get medically signed off with endo must be horrific. I am a long term SAHM not just from the pain but due to the chronic fatigue that comes with that. I luckily have an amazing husband.

Alternating weekends is really the only option once your child starts school with this set of circumstances. Good luck with your appointment. My friend got that because her ex worked away M-F as part of his job that he was unwilling to change.

@SometimesALime yes that's right about the 50/50 situation. Yes having endometriosis is awful, I have previously had breast cancer too when I was 29 and this was hormone positive so I can't be treated hormonally for the endo, surgeries are my only option. I was meant to have an operation for excision surgery a year or do ago but due to covid it's still not happened. It's good you have support, I have the fatigue too its horrible.

Yes well when the legal adviser said in court 2 years ago about the order can change once ds is in school I just assumed my ex had heard this too, but apparently not. Or he did but he chose to ignore as he won't agree. I just can't understand how he thinks that DS and I having no quality or fun time together on a weekend is right. He would also be getting half of all school holidays too aswell as every weekend if he gets what he wants. Yes I do have 5 days a week with him but they are all going to spent just taking him to school and back again, home, tea. Bath and bed. Day in day out. The fact he thinks that's ok says a lot to me.

@JoJo2106 I don't know if any of these non-medical things will help but I use a TENs machine for the period pain, 2 channel so 4 pads meaning I can either have 2 front ones on one setting and 2 back ones (on those dimples at the bottom of the spine) or I can go though the body front to back if one side is worse than the other, you just change the wires. I also use a massage gun that pummels as I find it especially good for lower back and hip pain.

Re your son, your ex is being unreasonable. You need to go in ready with what you say is best for your son. I do know someone who split the weekends, so her ex would collect the child from school on a Friday night and have the child until 6pm on the Saturday then handed over to her. That meant she always had a Friday night to go out and he had a Saturday night. He felt it was better than the alternating weekends because he saw his children every week. Just another suggestion.

The way your split works now works because he is still at nursery but obviously needs changing for when he starts school.

You cannot be expected to never have your child at the weekend ever because of how he chose to work he has had ample time to change his job to fit in with his child his choice is not to because she is the default parent he just gets the fun bits

[quote JoJo2106]@Quartz2208 see DS doesn't actually start school until next year so it wouldn't really apply just yet. Or can I get it in the order so it's all prepared for next year when DS starts school? I really really didn't think we would have to go back to court, mediation should be where we can sort things but he just won't. Unfortunately everything is battle with him.[/quote]
The problem is, you want to change things, he doesn’t, so you’re the one that’s going to have to ‘battle’ with him.

@SometimesALime I have never used a Tens machine actually. Might be worth a shot, thank you.

Yes that's another suggestion to think about, I don't think he will budge though tbh he just said once ds starts school it will all stay the same as it is now. I think he will get his eyes open if it goes to court then by the sound of it. Yes ds still at nursery for another year or so yet, come September though he will begin nursery 4 days a week and his dad will still have every weekend with him. He's so unreasonable.

[quote JoJo2106]@honeyroar so my role as his mother is just to take him back and forward to school 5 days a week, cook his meal, put him to bed and I get up the next day and do the same thing again. What happens when I go back to work does he still get every weekend then? And his dad gets all the fun quality time on a weekend and my son and I get to do nothing together other than school runs?[/quote]
My ex tried this and ended up with EOW -end of.

Absolutely not. Every other weekend and perhaps one night in the week?

I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place -I'm sorry. Apply yourself for a change in the contact order -specify why. Easy enough to do -court will order mediation.

THen you have an issue come September that you need to sort. The key is you are happy to have a far more even 50/50 split between school/nursery and weekends it isnt your fault if he cant take it

@theunamedcat that is exactly what he expects unfortunately. Yes I know his job shouldn't affect my time with DS, it's not my fault he can't do certain days etc.

@Soontobe60 it shouldn't be a battle though it's supposed to be what's in our sons interest not what's in his own interests. And him not spending any quality fun time at all with his mum is not in a childs interest at all. He should be willing to discuss in mediation but he wont. This is what I mean by everything is a battle, I am amicable and accommodate his needs as best I can, he is just bitter, unreasonable and makes everything an uphill battle when things don't need to be. I have got the ball rolling though I have a telephone appointment tomorrow with solicitor.

@Iamaperwinkle I felt like I had no choice tbh, the court had already decided what they were doing and I had just had enough of the whole thing by that point, this went on for months and months of court hearings. And at the time every weekend wasn't unreasonable as ds was only 16 months old and he wasnt in nursery at that point so I had everyday with him. But now things are changing, hes getting older and we dont get as much time together now and get no quality time at all. His dad gets all the fun weekends. But yes I am going to take it further and apply to vary the order. Hes already said he wont agree in mediation, but will this not look bad on him as it shows hes not even willing to attempt it?

@Iamaperwinkle Absolutely not. Every other weekend and perhaps one night in the week?

He works away in the week which is probably why the court saw this as a good compromise to start with but they indicated it should change when he starts school.

So every other weekend or a partial weekend. @JoJo2106 you can hire a TENs as people use them for labour. That way you can try it out. My SIL has a different medical condition but uses one almost daily.

[quote JoJo2106]@honeyroar so my role as his mother is just to take him back and forward to school 5 days a week, cook his meal, put him to bed and I get up the next day and do the same thing again. What happens when I go back to work does he still get every weekend then? And his dad gets all the fun quality time on a weekend and my son and I get to do nothing together other than school runs?[/quote]
Well do you think it fair that he and his dad only get to see each other three days one week and one day the alternate week? Because that’s how it works out for the father if it’s one day mid week and alternate weekends. I am a stepmum and watched my stepson be upset when he left because he wouldn’t see his dad for ages. But his mum was only concerned that she got “her time” with her son, so wouldn’t change it so my husband and son could see each other an extra day. It made me ashamed to be female. Perhaps you could consider giving him two week days and alternate weekends?

@Honeyroar if you had read previous comments you'd see that he works away mon to Fri so can't do midweek. Everyone else but you sees that this wouldn't be right. If his dad really wanted to do like a 50/50 situation he could change his job. Honestly cannot believe that you think I should just do school runs and that is it. When am I supposed to take ds out on a weekend if his dad gets every single weekend and then half of all school holidays too. Yes ds would be with me 5 days but he would spend the majority of his day at school then he would come home I would make his meal bath him and put him to bed day in day out and that is the extent of our relationship is it? Where's our quality fun time on a weekend or is that just for dads? Mothers arent just skivvys through the week and the dad takes over on a weekend and can go away for a full weekend if he chose? Sorry but no, ds hasn't even started school yet so you expect ds and I to never ever have a weekend together for the next decade?

My solicitor told me last time no court will award every single weekend to one parent for the reasons I've just explained.

So you carry on been ashamed to been a female but mothers also deserve quality time with their child aswell as the father. It's the childs best interest to have quality time with both parents it's not about what's best for the dad its what's best for the child.

@Honeyroar and for the record it's his dad that's only concerned with "his time" and "his rights" I have bent over backwards to accommodate him and his job and have switched days, holiday contact around all to work around him, I have even added his midweek contact that he can't do onto his weekend contact, I didn't have to. and he doesnt compromise at all hes only interested in himself and always has been. So it's nothing to do with "my time" I am only concerned with what is best for ds and the fact he needs quality time with both parents. So please don't make out I'm the difficult one when its the complete opposite!!

@Honeyroar op already said she’d accept him having weekdays on the weeks he doesn’t have the weekend.

The issue isn’t her it’s him. I suspect her doesn’t want to give up every weekend because he doesn’t am want to have to think about weekday childcare which is much harder.

Parenting comes with responsibility. You can just take the good side of it.

@Totallyrandomname Thank you

Yeah I see where you’re coming from. Week days with kids is just groundhog day of childcare/school runs, food, bath and bed. That wouldn’t be fair at all.

@Noshowlomo yes this is exactly what he is expecting me to do. Not right at all is it. I have had a telephone appointment with my previous solicitor today and he has basically told me what I wanted to hear and that I would most likely get alternate weekends. He said the court looks at it through the childs eyes not the parents, so what is best for ds is quality time with both parents. So I'm quite hopeful after the phone call. He also said I should get the ball rolling soon, even thought ds doesn't actually start school until next year but these things can take a good while can't they and especially with covid. At least it will all be in place for when ds does start school.