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Original poster

Ex and Police

42 replies

FelineFlick · 31/01/2021 14:04

Hello,

Sorry to post again & apologies for yesterday post, however misguided it was just an attempt to keep some anonymity at at a time I already feel violated, googling for information is how I came across mumsnet in the first place & realised how open my situation may be to google searches.

Thank u for those who told me its Ok to return home to York, I have contacted friends who are willing to come and get me once we confirm its OK for him to travel back & forth. (lots of stuff and I can't drive) or will pay for a van, if those services are allowed at the mo.

My situation = 3 potential dads. 1 is an controlling ex. Other two not interested, which is their right. They all know about each other.

Booked future appointments & informed the ex (was ignored) and then realised, what am I doing....3 potential dads.

Ended up in such a terrible space in my mind, & said so. Decided 2 abort which I'm sorting privately now. Informed him about 2 wks ago, and told him its not anything to do with him anymore.

Basically now ex is now threatenin 2 use the police to satisfy his demands of proof of pregnancy & abortion and that if I don't he will tell the police I'm lying about it all & emotionally abusin him as apparently this is making him ill! (try being me, I've not eaten properly for over a week due to stress)

I feel so violated,

I can't eat or sleep.
What are my rights now and after abortion?
What can the police ask of me, and what do I have to show?
How is this OK - how can one potential father demand info while the others can ignore?
Do all the 3 potential fathers have equal rights for info while I'm pregnant or after abortion?
Will police take him seriously and help him? From experience I know some officers are very 'pro mens rights'!
Will police see this as a violation of my rights?

I feel so violated

As someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years (not this one), involving criminal and civil courts, to have someone accuse me of this feels horrible.

OP posts:
lyingwanker · 31/01/2021 22:23

What he is doing is getting the effect that he wants. He can no longer control you whilst in a relationship so he is now controlling your mood and stress levels by his threats. My exH is exactly the same, when he doesn't get his own way or his control slips he makes his threats and spits his dummy out. It used to work. It doesn't any more. His favourite threat is that he will report me for benefit fraud and say he was living here when he wasn't. Or that he will report me to the police for some made up bullshit and have the kids taken off me.

BlueThistles · 01/02/2021 01:56

He's still controlling you...

Block 🌺

Original poster
FelineFlick · 01/02/2021 07:18

Thank you so much everyone,

@lyingwanker Oh god, your ex sounds like lots of fun. I have been reading a lot of threads about men saying that they will get kids taken away from their mum, the lengths they would go to cause pain, it's not like they are in any healthy mental state to look aftr the kids instead, the preoccupation with control over your life!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FelineFlick · 01/02/2021 08:02

Thank you for your replies ❤️

Couldn't sleep so was just thinking and thinking,

He himself in numerous messages even recently that it's not likely to be his due to the circumstances that evening, which I never contest because that's his opinion, but then at the same time he accused me of abuse and lying. So which one is it?

Just a few things I want to confirm/ask:

As I've never told him its his (as I can't because I don't know) is it possible his case will be taken less seriously, the reason I ask is we've not seen each other since I found out I'm pregnant, we've never spoken about the future, never made plans, we've never discussed setting up home, I've never asked for anything, he has never asked me if I'm OK!!!

The fact I informed him of my plans to abort and that it's no longer anything to do with him means I exercised my rights to not have him involved? If gets he gets a knowledgeable officer surely they will know its my right.

Its not like my decision was a shock, I was a mess for ages, again I can prove It with messages.

Hoping he is delusional enough to say to the police that me telling him its nothing to do with him is denying him his rights because then he will hopefully be corrected, but till then it's a guessing game as some police officers take the law into their own hands depending on their own beliefs

OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 01/02/2021 08:32

is it possible his case will be taken less seriously OP he doesn't have a 'case'. Like a lot of others have said, no crime has been committed.

Telling someone you're pregnant, don't know if it's theirs and having an abortion is not illegal. He doesn't have any right to 'proof' that you're pregnant. The police won't do anything. Even if they wanted to (which they won't) they can't make you show proof of the pregnancy or the abortion.

And even if you had lied about the pregnancy, if he walked into a police station to report his ex had pretended to be pregnant, they would not care.

He could lie and say you're harassing him, they'll look at the texts and see that you're not and that'll be it.

Don't communicate with the ex any further. Keep all the text messages.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/02/2021 08:46

First, stop all communication with your ex. All communication! Do nit replay to anything. Block him

Second, the police force was established to deal with criminal matters. They generally try to avoid domestic matters unless the criminality is exceptionally blatant.

What criminal act have you committed by telling him you are pregnant and then telling him you are having an abortion? Are you struggling to name the law you have broken? Well, that is because you haven’t broken any.

If he calls the police and tells him what you have told us, they will likely laugh at him. If he lies to them and they arrive on your doorstep, you outline exactly what you have said here. They will realise that this is a domestic matter and nobody is in danger and they will leave you alone.

You, however, should contact the police and report your ex if he continues to harass you.

Skeptadad · 01/02/2021 09:02

I had a conversation with then police last week about ongoing problems that would make Stephen King cry. I have ended up with a domestic abuse worker. I doubt my ex will even get a knock on the door.

I hope you can put this behind you, the threats really are nothing to worry about and he is only doing it to get a reaction. Don’t react and he will go away.

FelicityPike · 01/02/2021 09:11

He doesn’t have a case! The police aren’t going to give him the time of day over his “complaint”. Honestly.
Move on.
Block him on EVERYTHING!
Deal with the abortion (if that’s what you want) then
forget him!

dontdisturbmenow · 01/02/2021 09:22

Why are you all worried OP? You don't have to show him anything and even in the unlikelihood that the police came knocking on your door, you could just show them the evidence and they could go back to him and shut him up.

BabyBee93 · 01/02/2021 09:36

OP you haven't done a single thing that is illegal. Being pregnant and not knowing the biological dad is not a crime, it sounds like your ex is using this to control and manipulate you. Block his number and move on, he can't touch you and the police would NOT pursue this in the slightest. He sounds evil and you should cut him off completely. Hope you get sorted soon Thanks

SaltyTootsieToes · 01/02/2021 09:43

Hi OP

Sorry you’re going through this.

I think I know where your ex is coming from, but he’s clearly grasping at straws trying to control you

There was a recent case of a woman pretending to be pregnant, harassing the “father”, contacting his relatives etc and she was prosecuted.

You’ve last contacted him three weeks ago and told him you’re having an abortion as well as not to contact you again.

Totally different scenarios.

Block him on everything.

As regards your belongings, are these things of yours in his home? In that case, are you allowed to get police to intervene to accompany you to collect your things? Or is there a third party to contact your ex to collect your thins? Mutual friend?

Original poster
FelineFlick · 01/02/2021 10:21

Thank you again everyone,

Hi @SaltyTootsieToes

We never lived together so all my stuff is mine, and at mine.

I'm contacting the clinic today to see if I can bring my appointment forward, I'm paying for a private termination as I don't want it on my NHS docs.

He has turned a very private time into a circus.

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/02/2021 13:14

You have a right to keep your medical information private and he has no right to access it.

He is bullying and harassing you and gaslighting you to manipulate you into thinking him a victim and keep his control over you. You do not have to tell him anything or show him anything. You need to block him everywhere and have no further contact.

hellasciously · 01/02/2021 15:07

Why haven't you blocked him?

Chatterpie · 01/02/2021 15:15

He has no case. Block and ignore him.

Original poster
FelineFlick · 01/02/2021 19:19

Thanks guys

You're right I need to block - just fearful of the reaction - as can't seem to win with his logic

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/02/2021 19:42

@FelineFlick

Thanks guys

You're right I need to block - just fearful of the reaction - as can't seem to win with his logic

That is what he wants - he is messing with your head to maintain control. Don't subject yourself to any more of his self serving "logic"
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