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Legal matters

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Original poster

ex husband has reappeared and wants money

133 replies

ItGetsBetter · 19/01/2021 22:34

After 13 years of no contact, no maintenance, my ex husband has been in touch on social media.

In 2008, he vanished abroad, draining our bank account, leaving me in massive debt and with our baby son.

During the marriage, he put 90k inheritance from his father, into a second property.

When he left I sold it. It took two years to sell.

The money I used to pay off the debts he left me with and keep the mortgage paid on our house, and keep myself and my son going. I worked as many hours as I could.

I was able to divorce him as he cropped up on an internet search and my solicitor dealt with him. The divorce judge ordered that he pay all costs but he was never around so I paid.

There was no financial settlement.

I paid for a court order to legally change my son's surname to mine, which the court agreed to.

My former husband has now emerged demanding some of his inheritance back.
Our son is 13 and suffered a serious illness aged 4-8yrs (cancer). I could not work. We were constantly in hospital/chemo/vinc and dex etc.

We are back on our feet now, my son is thriving and I have bought us a small ex-council house outright so that we are financially safe.

I have never had another relationship.

My ex husband wants me to find a lawyer and get a 'legally binding agreement' to get his share of his inheritance back.

I have no idea where I stand or what to do. I don't think my ex lives in this country. I think he is still in Thailand or Cambodia or wherever.

Does he legally have rights to his money back?

I should say - after 13 years of hell, paying debts, keeping ds alive, buying our little house, I literally don't have any money anymore.

Thanks

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 20/01/2021 11:46

@LaurieFairyCake

Don't talk to him. Do nothing.

Do something when you get a court ordered date. With current backlog it will be years (bet he doesn't do anything).

The current backlog in the family courts is months, not years.
Jeremyironseverything · 20/01/2021 12:08

Why didn't he go after it at the time of the divorce?

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 20/01/2021 12:37

It cost money, a lot of money, to hire solicitors and barristers in the UK and go to Court. In the Wyatt v Vince, the costs were £350k - more than she was awarded. The only reason the lawyers acted for her was because millions were involved and they could see their share.

How is this guy going to pay? There is relatively little at stake, no sane lawyer will be taking it on in the hope they get paid at the end not under the circumstances. He is not even in the country, can he even afford a plane ticket here? Where would he stay if he did get here. He clearly has absolutely nothing, hence his desperate immoral grab at the OP. And telling OP to get a lawyer to sort it! Haha, dont.

Personally I would do nothing other than get together as much information as I can in case something does come of it. If that ever happens you can contact a lawyer and deal with the facts as they are.
Or if you need the peace of mind, get some advice but certainly dont tell him about it. And if you do go for advice, make sure you arrive with all the information available, clear and ready to discuss and a very clear idea of what the lawyer is charging you. There are plenty of utter shysters in family law in my experience.

Onmyleft · 20/01/2021 12:49

@Jeremyironseverything

Why didn't he go after it at the time of the divorce?
That is irrelevant. If he is entitled he is entitled.

Not all such legal advice cost £350k otherwise only the wealthy would be able to seek justice. Women would be severely disadvantaged if the cost of seeking a fair share of marital assets was prohibitive.

Seek proper legal advice. A free consultation would give you some insights. You ex husband is clearly getter by legal advice hence why he told you that you should likewise get a lawyer.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2021 12:49

prh47bridge

The money he's after is from property and nothing to do with family courts Confused

Onmyleft · 20/01/2021 12:51

@LaurieFairyCake

prh47bridge

The money he's after is from property and nothing to do with family courts Confused

Which court do you think will be responsible for this? The criminal court?
LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2021 12:53

I was thinking he would sue her privately Confused

Cant imagine he'd get the police interested

Yohoheaveho · 20/01/2021 12:58

He's just trying to shit her up isn't he👀

SlipperTripper · 20/01/2021 13:05

Unfortunately, he has got legal right to claim. DH and Ex-W have recently been through financial settlement, it's a pain in the arse

Solicitor explained it really clearly though. She said that in cases where there's dispute, a judge looks at the agreement like a line, with a mark on the middle. Him at one end, you at the other. Theoretically all assets (property, pensions, etc) should be split equally - yours and his. Say it starts at 100k, you'd start with 50k each.

However, that line is moved according to circumstance. In DH case, we have full residency of the children, so it moved his way a bit. She had spent a lot of joint savings during the course of the marriage, so it moved his way a bit more. She incurred debts that he had to pay, so it moved his way a bit more. The house (joint owned) was being sold due to her actions, so that moved it his way. We'd incurred hefty court costs because of her actions, again, his way.

He has bigger pensions, so that moved it her way a bit, but hers shifted it to him.

Long story short, it meant that the marital equity ended up being split 70/30 in his favour.

Your ex may want to pursue, but if he has a pot to piss in, that's up for dispute too, and given the circumstances, I'd hazard a guess that any judge will edge the line your way!

prh47bridge · 20/01/2021 14:05

@LaurieFairyCake

prh47bridge

The money he's after is from property and nothing to do with family courts Confused

Wrong. He won't get anywhere that way. He would need to make an application for financial relief consequent to the divorce. This would be heard in the family courts.
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 20/01/2021 16:59

Solicitors are £200/hr upwards, Barristers £2-3K/day upwards, full financial remedy proceedings involves three court appearances. Its minimum £10,000 to go through with representation, utter minimum, more like double that. So yeah, its is only for the relatively wealthy and yes women who have no access to funds are severely disadvantaged. He hasnt spoken to lawyer or they would have contacted OP. Oh that whole free 30 minutes myth, never once come across it. They might let you say hello for free, but that's about it, you're not going to get advice for free.

Jeremyironseverything · 20/01/2021 17:14

onmyleft I know the fact that he didn't ask for it at the time is irrelevant, but why would someone walk away from a 90k inheritance when divorcing?. He doesn't appear to be the altruistic sort, so am just interested as to why he didn't go after it at the time.

Yohoheaveho · 20/01/2021 17:28

He hasnt spoken to lawyer or they would have contacted OP
this would surely strongly suggest he is bluffing?

wizzbangfizz · 20/01/2021 17:34

Yep block - let him
Deal with it legally - not a lawyer but doubt he has a leg to stand on and it would potentially cost him thousands to fight you.

Insomniacexpress · 20/01/2021 17:40

@prh47bridge is spot on (and showing extreme patience!)

Pinnacular · 20/01/2021 17:56

I can't see it mentioned, but I would make sure you have a legally tight will to protect your son if anything were to happen to you. Without a clean break I would worry about that. If there's any way to get a clean break without knowing his whereabouts I'd be looking at that, but I have no idea if it's possible.

Gemma2019 · 20/01/2021 19:42

OP I have been on here for many years and often wonder how you and DS are getting on. So glad to hear that DS is doing so well and you have bought a secure home.

I understood that your XH was a self absorbed shit but OMG that blog is another level! I must admit I had a quick look at a few other pages and I get the impression he might have split with his wife in 2018 but who knows.

titchy · 20/01/2021 19:45

Don't know the back story but I'd be trying to get hold of his second marriage certificate to see if it is a legally recognised marriage - that might well be worth spending a few quid on.

Hawkins001 · 20/01/2021 19:48

Certainly unusual situation

Foggyday124 · 20/01/2021 20:15

My son (ds) and I spent hours suspended at the highest point that a mechanical hospital bed will take you to, pretending sharks were down below.
I've pinned him down for chemo. Carried him bald everywhere.

❤️❤️❤️ I hope you have lots and lots of happy years ahead OP.

chuffedasbuttons · 20/01/2021 23:46

I have a shitty ex husband too so I feel your pain @ItGetsBetter

But I do need to say that I love @prh47bridge because he/she helped me with school appeals.

A true MN legend 💜

Whatever you decide to do, please keep up your mum mental health and don't let him rock your world.
Been there. Done that. Moved on.

Bythemillpond · 21/01/2021 00:13

Surely once you have added up missed child maintenance payments and all the debts he left there isn’t any money to repay.

He doesn’t honestly believe he can drain the bank accounts and leave you in debt and not pay child maintenance for 13 years and expect for you to just hand over £90,000. Yes to blocking him but I would laugh in his face at his deluded idea first.

Love the fact he thinks it is your responsibility to get the solicitor for him to get his money back.

Think of it as his half of the house was £45,000.
Child maintenance at £50 per week for 18 years is £46,800.
You are just taking child maintenance in one go as he left for years before and there isn’t to stop him going and not paying again.

Wouldn’t he end up owing you £1800

Original poster
ItGetsBetter · 21/01/2021 00:30

Good advice to double check my will.

This legal matters board is invaluable. Factual, unemotional. Many thanks.

He has since messaged me to say that he wants nothing to do with me, never wants to hear from me again and to leave him alone. And that ds will make his mind up when he's old enough.

He sorely underestimates us. Both.

I want this over with. I want it sorted. His lies called out.

So that he has no path to bullshitting my son in the future.

Like many narcissists he is aggressive, unpredictable, dangerous, entitled, self-focused, angry, weak, cowardly, a pathological liar and blessed/cursed with an extraordinary ability to bluff, cheat and manipulate.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItGetsBetter · 21/01/2021 00:40

I reminded him that I've left him alone for years - to scuba dive, travel, re-marry, build a house in chiang mai, eat barbecued rat and air-brush his UK teaching job out of his CV (he was struck off the teaching register after he left)

Just waiting for this thread to be deleted which I have asked HQ to do. But in the meantime, it's been lovely hearing from a few name-changers who remember my calamitous thread back in those very dark days of 2008/9

Bang cock.

OP posts:
InescapableDeath · 21/01/2021 20:28

Can you find a way to let us know when it’s sorted OP, or when you think he’s gone away for good?