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Original poster

Ex taking me to court over 4 month old

148 replies

namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 22:04

Has anyone been in a similar situation, I'm so scared, my ex is threatening to take me to court over our 4 month old, need a hand hold

OP posts:
Heyahun · 18/01/2021 01:00

Really don’t think you should send that message at all!

I’d just leave it all together and let him calm down. Be careful with texts anyway the tone is difficult to pick up on!

Surely he will call or message to arrange bevy FaceTime? At that stage maybe mention that it’s not working and suggest he sends recorded stories etc

Take all emotion out of it - you and him just need to have a civil relationship and make plans about your daughter - you don’t have to be close/ super friendly or anything ! I’d just stick to the point!

If he’s not named on birth certificate and isn’t paying you any maintenance then tbh you have no reason to keep facilitating this if you don’t want to - id nearly want him do the court route and for him to prove he’s baby’s dad, start paying maintenance and have proper court ordered visitation arranged officially - then you don’t really have to talk to him anymore

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 01:11

Suggested edits:

I am not withholding contact. You cancelled contact because you were busy.

It's not helpful or appropriate to threaten me with turning up to my house unannounced in response.

In future, if you let me know if you’re unable to FaceTime at a specific time we can rearrange at a time that works for both of us.

To be clear though, FaceTiming everyday wouldn’t work for (baby). You said she doesn’t need to be settled, you just need to see her. Our priority is her needs not ours.

As you know, she is exclusively breastfed (hourly) and refuses a bottle.

I’m not going to let (baby) sit and stare at a screen whilst she is crying, unsettled and wet/hungry/windy, that’s not fair on her, so she does need to be settled when we FaceTime.

I’m trying to get her into a bedtime routine so it would be great if you could record some videos of you reading a story that I could show her regularly, or even just a video of you talking to her that she listen to.

I'd also be happy for you to explore/suggest how face to face contact could be safely facilitated during the pandemic.

....

Note the last paragraph is there because he won't be able to but you have shown willing.

LochJessMonster · 18/01/2021 01:19

Sadly I think with all the edits you’ve made the message too hostile and formal. I liked the bits about working together for the sake of the baby.

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 01:35

In response to the poster below (I agree so further edits),

...
I am not withholding contact. You cancelled contact because you were busy.

It's not helpful to threaten me with turning up to my house unannounced in response.

In future, if you let me know if you’re unable to FaceTime we can rearrange at a time that works for both of us.

To be clear though, FaceTiming everyday wouldn’t work for (baby). You said she doesn’t need to be settled, you just need to see her.

As you know, she is exclusively breastfed (hourly) and refuses a bottle and I can't let (baby) sit and stare at a screen whilst she is crying/unsettled and wet/hungry/windy, that’s not fair on her, so she does need to be settled when we FaceTime and we both need to be flexible about this.

I’m trying to get her into a bedtime routine so it would be great if you could record some videos of you reading a story that I could show her regularly, or even just a video of you talking to her that she listen to.

I'd also be happy for you to explore/suggest how face to face contact could be safely facilitated during the pandemic because we need to work together as parents in [names] best interests.

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 01:40

Good news in that Nightwatch have hidden the posts with your child's name.

One problem solved at least Smile

BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 01:56

wow this guy is controlling your entire life.. every single day of you life is controlled by HIM.. WTF

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/01/2021 02:02

Hope all the suggestions are helping!

One thing I’d add - it’s not just about the baby getting to know him, it’s about him being kept up to date with her, so I would suggest that you will send him regular photos and videos of her too. You don’t want it to become a message thread where he’s in contact but maybe a shared online photo album or similar?

The fact that he’s not paying CMS and he’s not bothering to travel to see her doesn’t make him sound like the most committed dad, but as he’s making a point, it would show willing on your part to make sure he’s not missing milestones etc.

Agree with everyone else’s approach re not showing any weakness or passivity on your part. I can almost guarantee that he won’t take you to court - they all say that. What he wants is to continue his control over you. If you were to say, once she’s older of course, “I think it’s only fair that we have 50/50 contact” he’d run a mile from his responsibilities.

BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 02:28

Get CMS sorted immediately.

Nat6999 · 18/01/2021 04:14

Let him make the threats of court, once he knows how much mediation & then court is he will run a mile especially if he has to pay a solicitor. I wouldn't go for maintenance yet, keep that for if he goes to court. If he doesn't & you make him pay then you are tied to him, better to be rid if you can afford it.

Jonny222 · 18/01/2021 07:43

Thank you @LochJessMonster for giving op some sound advice.

Some of you others should be ashamed of the awful advice you have given after knowing such a small bit about the situation.

@namechanger247334 you are doing well. Try to bear in mind what you would like to tell your baby in the future if they ask, it would be better to say I tried to keep your father involved but he didn't want to, rather than I blocked him and moved away.

People are right no court will take your baby away, but also look at your baby and think what it would be like not ever getting to hold them. This is what your ex feels. Being on the birth certificate gives you know rights, it's called parental responsibility not rights, if he takes you to court about this he will get added, but that should not worry you, remember it gives him no rights.

In terms of costs if he goes to court the fee is £215 + mediation at 110 and if you insist on a DNA it will cost him £500 but if it comes back as positive it will be charged back to you. This is of course if he does it all himself.

Rather than going to court, as loch said try and make a plan yourself

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 08:27

@Jonny222

Yes I'm definitely not moving away. In an ideal scenario he would just disappear but I appreciate that's not going to happen and I would SO much rather work with him than go to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 08:29

@Nat6999
I'm not going for cs, I don't (at the moment) need the money and I know this would just trigger other stuff.
During our phone call I said that he doesn't even provide for her, he said 'well I've offered to pay you something and set up regular payments but we'll need to do that through court'
(He's never offered this, and I shouldn't have to ask him to provide for his own child, he should already be doing this.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 18/01/2021 08:57

None of this says to me that your want to work with him, so he can be a father to your child.

You don't want him to give your money, but when he offers your refuse (because he says he wants to do it officially) and then complain that he isn't doing it.

You are not allowing him direct access, even though even with Covid this is permitted, and you haven't given any reasons why you're baby specifically is more vulnerable and therefore shouldn't.

You'd are making him jump through hoops with the court as you have left him off the birth certificates which may well force him to spend money to prove their child is his.

When he missed the call, your refused to reschedule.

How is any of this trying to work with him? I can understand that you wish he'd disappear and that your don't want to be dealing with him, but that's the deal isn't it?

Theunamedcat · 18/01/2021 09:09

@Babyboomtastic

None of this says to me that your want to work with him, so he can be a father to your child.

You don't want him to give your money, but when he offers your refuse (because he says he wants to do it officially) and then complain that he isn't doing it.

You are not allowing him direct access, even though even with Covid this is permitted, and you haven't given any reasons why you're baby specifically is more vulnerable and therefore shouldn't.

You'd are making him jump through hoops with the court as you have left him off the birth certificates which may well force him to spend money to prove their child is his.

When he missed the call, your refused to reschedule.

How is any of this trying to work with him? I can understand that you wish he'd disappear and that your don't want to be dealing with him, but that's the deal isn't it?

She actually specifically states he has never offered money he is just now claiming he offered money
Babyboomtastic · 18/01/2021 09:15

Yes, and she's also saying that she doesn't need or want it, but complaining at home that he doesn't and saying that he should be offering at the same time...

SendMeHome · 18/01/2021 09:40

Just on the FaceTime note - I have a close friend who does daily FT calls with the babies parents. She’s a foster carer so I don’t know how much that changes things, but it was suggested by the judge and social services as something to make contact during Covid easier. There are also two weekly supervised visits, until the case goes back to court and the adoption is confirmed.

The calls last 10 - 15 minutes and they’re pretty awkward because baby has no idea what’s going on. I know she’s not a fan of them either!

I hope the message goes well Flowers

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 10:06

So if he's linking child support to going to court (which isn't the case, but whatever) then that tells you that he's not going to take you to court: as it would cost him court fees, medication fees and he'd have to start paying maintenance.

I also think that some of the posters on here who think some of us are being too harsh with wording etc, haven't had an abusive ex. Those of us who have, tried the being sweet and nice approach (trying not to upset them etc) and found that they saw it as weakness and pushed back our boundaries until we were doing things we didn't want to, not for the benefit of the kids, but to keep the ex happy. It's never enough for them though. They see boundaries as targets to smash. So you have to make yourself dull to them, messages factual and with no emotion. And that isn't hostile, it's just neutral.. It's our socialisation that makes us think it's rude, when it isn't.

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 10:06

*mediation fees, not medication fees. Bloody autocorrect Hmm

LochJessMonster · 18/01/2021 11:07

I shouldn't have to ask him to provide for his own child, he should already be doing this. problem is you deliberately left him off of the birth certificate (something I think is petty and morally wrong).
You can’t have it both ways- is he the father and therefore needs to be on the BC and paying maintenance?

You are both on different pages.

-Put him on the bc, because he is the father and both him and the daughter deserve it and if he takes you to court for it you will lose and end up paying

  • set up a regular contact schedule. Videos and photos sent both ways. FaceTime. Short contact meets, when applicable.
  • set up a regular payment plan. Use the CMS calculator and then ask him to suggest an amount

Start working together to bring up your child.

Theunamedcat · 18/01/2021 11:39

She can't just put him on the birth certificate he actually needs to be there

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 11:41

I just mean that I shouldn't have to go through a court system for him to pay maintenance, but that's not the point because I don't want money from him not have I asked for any.
And I know he needs to be on the bc for him to start paying maintenance.
I know I can't have it both ways, I was just trying to explain that I shouldn't have to ask for money if he really cares about his own child, not that I want it anyway.
I know that sounds awfully confusing but so is this situation, I'm just scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 11:42

I have left him off of the birth certificate as he made no effort throughout the pregnancy, threatened to kill himself multiple times if I didn't do what he wanted (whilst pregnant) and other reasons, I appreciate some people may find this petty, however I was doing it to protect me and my child, as all of you probably know it gives him equal rights which he would use to control me further.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/01/2021 11:48

@namechanger247334

I have left him off of the birth certificate as he made no effort throughout the pregnancy, threatened to kill himself multiple times if I didn't do what he wanted (whilst pregnant) and other reasons, I appreciate some people may find this petty, however I was doing it to protect me and my child, as all of you probably know it gives him equal rights which he would use to control me further.
He is still controlling you by the sounds of it
frazzledasarock · 18/01/2021 11:56

When you register a birth and you are not married to the father, you cannot put his name down unless he is present and agrees he is the father.

The ex does not wish to contribute financially towards his child, otherwise he would be doing so regardless of being on the birth certificate or not. OP can go through CMs and get maintenance form the ex without him being on the birth certificate. Court is not involved in paying child maintenance.

OP next time he demands to face time, leave the face time on pointed towards the sleeping baby and go do something else away from your ex so you don't have to be staring at him staring at the sleeping baby.

GypsyLee · 18/01/2021 12:05

I'd facetime and leave the room, let him watch a sleeping baby.
You don't have to engage with him, go and get on with something.
He'll soon get tired.