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Original poster

Ex taking me to court over 4 month old

148 replies

namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 22:04

Has anyone been in a similar situation, I'm so scared, my ex is threatening to take me to court over our 4 month old, need a hand hold

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 17/01/2021 23:53

Has he apologised for being abusive?

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2021 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:04

Ok, so you need to know not to JADE.
Don't attempt to:
Justify
Argue
Defend yourself
Explain your thinking

Because then you give him something he can keep messaging you about.

Why not just say:

"Last minute changes aren't good for dd, so I'll need proper notice if you want to change her regular facetime slot, and I'll do my best to make it work if possible. Threatening to turn up to my home without arranging that between us is not ok, and neither is threatening court, so I need you not to do that again.

I’m trying to get her into a regular bedtime routine so I think it would be nice if you could record a video of you reading a story that I could show her regularly, or even just a video of you talking to show her. That way I can show her the videos of you so throughout covid she will still know her daddy."

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:05

How do I get them to edit her name out Confused

OP posts:
Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:06

Also, don't say things you want, as if they are questions. It makes it seem like he still has control over you.. And even if he sort of does...don't let him know it

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:06

Just report the thread and they'll remove the entire post. Also report the person who quoted you

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:07

I have a habit of apologising as I don't want him to get angry and I wanted him to see that I was sorry, I'm just very confused

I've tried to report my comment so MN takes her name out, I'm such an idiot 😂

OP posts:
Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:08

Also, I forgot to ask whether he's paying child support. If he isn't you need to get that sorted through cms

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 00:09

OP I'd re-think that message.

It's far too long and is overly passive.

You need to keep things simple and put the onus on him to find solutions.

I'd suggest the following.

....

The weekly FaceTimes are important and if you can't make the scheduled time (as was the case this week) please let me know and we can re-arrange a mutually appropriate time.

I'd like also like to suggest that you could record some videos of you reading bedtime stories or just speaking to [name] that I can play to her so she can see you and hear your voice in between the FaceTime calls.

The COVID situation has obviously made things very difficult but as I understand, children of separated parents are allowed to see them both.

As such if you want to see [name] I'd be happy for you to explore/suggest how this could be safely facilitated at a local contact centre, understanding that as she is exclusively breastfed and a bottle refuser I would need to be available to feed her as required.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:09

He's not paying cs, I don't want anything from him

OP posts:
Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:10

@namechanger247334

I have a habit of apologising as I don't want him to get angry and I wanted him to see that I was sorry, I'm just very confused

I've tried to report my comment so MN takes her name out, I'm such an idiot 😂

Yeah, I did that too. But people like that see it as a sign of weakness. If he gets angry, he gets angry. He's 90 minutes away.

Also, I found that if he talked to me in certain ways, I'd assume it must be me in the wrong. That's because you get trained by them to think like that. That's also why I said not to talk to him and keep everything in writing. Then you can't hear the tone of voice.

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 00:10

@namechanger247334

I have a habit of apologising as I don't want him to get angry and I wanted him to see that I was sorry, I'm just very confused

I've tried to report my comment so MN takes her name out, I'm such an idiot 😂

I'll post on nightwatch to see if they can hide the post for now.

MNHQ won't get to it until the morning.

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:12

@namechanger247334

He's not paying cs, I don't want anything from him
It's not about that. Your dd deserves the CMS money from him, even if you just put it into a child is a or similar. And if he wants to get all the contact etc, he needs to take the financial responsibility on too
Nat6999 · 18/01/2021 00:14

Don't forget his mum probably got legal aid when she went to court, now family court costs money, solicitors aren't cheap. Even before court you both would have to attend mediation & only then if you couldn't agree would he be able to apply to court for a hearing. Just carry on doing what you are doing, the court only think what is best for the child, not the parents, with covid & your little one's health conditions nothing will be happening for some time yet.

DeRigueurMortis · 18/01/2021 00:14

OP has named her child in a thread can you hide the post? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thenightt_watch/4139158-op-has-named-her-child-in-a-thread-can-you-hide-the-post

OP if you pop on this thread and confirm your request the nightwatch are really good at helping out on this sort of stuff.

They don't have the same powers as MNHQ but they can hide posts until the Mods can look at them in the morning.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:18

@Nat6999

If he took me to court would he need a solicitor?
Or could he go without one if he didn't want to pay for it

(I have no idea how it works and have no idea how much it costs)

OP posts:
Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:19

He could self represent and just pay the court fees. It's a lot of work though, so if he can't be arsed to take a train journey to see his dd, is he really going to want to put the effort in to take you to court?

WellThisIsShit · 18/01/2021 00:20

Like others have said, way too many different points in there and WAY too apologetic!

Just stick to the key points Eg @DeRigueurMortis has it down very well especially with sentences such as:

“ ... exclusively breastfed and a bottle refuser I would need to be available to feed her as required.”

I would perhaps add in a couple of words explaining her particular needs / challenges when it comes to feeding, so that it’s clear for any audiences Eg a future judge that the situation was well communicated at the time.

You do not have to apologise for any of it and you sound quite scared of his temper to be honest. It may be okay to keep a little of that tone in your communication as it’s illustrative of the natural dynamic of the relationship, but I really wouldn’t go too far into detail or let that unhealthy dynamic give your ex the powerful feeling that he can bully you in this way.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:20

How much is court fees?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:21

Seriously thank you guys for all of your help, I'm going to bed feeling a lot better than a few hours ago, if anyone has anything to add feel free!

OP posts:
Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:21

I'm not sure, but you can look it up.

Babyboomtastic · 18/01/2021 00:22

It does feel to me like you are trying to minimise contact, which isn't got for your daughter's relationship with her father.

Units she's particularly vulnerable (because of illness, being young doesn't make her vulnerable here) then there really should be direct contact, even at the moment. She needs to actually doing right with her father in order to bond -, yes you'll have to stay nearby it they not go far, but unless you are both agree on no direct contact, I think you are being unfair, in the absence of a very unusual reason

AdaColeman · 18/01/2021 00:22

Don't send that message that you have drafted.

It's far too long and rambling, and packed with your emotions.

There are lots of points in your draft that he could use in the future to further abuse and control you.

Keep everything you say to him brief and to the point, and only about the practical arrangements for him seeing the baby. Don't get involved with any emotional games with him, and never apologise for your actions.

Your message should say something like....
"You cancelled the session yourself, not me. I won't be bullied by you into daily sessions which would be of no benefit to baby. Do not attempt to bully or coerce me again with threats.
Text me a time for the next session which you could be sure to attend and I will consider it."

@namechanger247334 start keeping a detailed diary record of all your interactions with him, any threats, times he fails to show up, etc etc.
Lots of luck, you are stuck with this goon in your life for years ahead, so take control! Thanks

Boonlark · 18/01/2021 00:25

@namechanger247334

Seriously thank you guys for all of your help, I'm going to bed feeling a lot better than a few hours ago, if anyone has anything to add feel free!
Just know that his hold on you, and his voice in your head, will get less powerful as time goes on. Also know that you don't have to ever let him in your home. You can always meet in a park etc. So that your home can keep being your safe space.

You will get through this. The early days are the hardest. And you setting boundaries will likely have him pushing against them trying to get you to back down. So you have to be consistent. Over and over, not letting him wear you down. Read up on the Grey Rock technique, as it really works. And over time, you will get stronger and all this will get easier.

Also,be kind to yourself. You deserve to be looked after.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 18/01/2021 00:27

Does this sound better?

I am not withholding contact. You said you couldn’t FaceTime on Sunday and I accepted that and said ‘ok let’s do it next week’.
In future maybe you could message on a Saturday if you’re busy at any times on a Sunday.
I’m not withholding contact, you cancelled contact first because you were busy.
Please do not threaten me in turning up to my house, that is not ok.
FaceTiming everyday wouldn’t work for (baby), you said that she doesn’t need to be settled, you just need to see her, I’m not going to let (baby) sit and stare at a screen whilst she is crying, that’s not fair on her, so she does need to be settled when we FaceTime.
I’m trying to get her into a bedtime routine so I think it would be nice if you could record a video of you reading a story that I could show her regularly, or even just a video of you talking to show her?
That way I can regularly show her the videos of you so throughout covid she will still know who you are. I give her cuddles from daddy all the time so be assured that I’m trying my best with her.
I hope you stay safe and maybe you could record those stories soon as I’m sure (baby) will love listening to them.
I am trying my best to work with you here so let’s try to get on instead of argue.

OP posts: