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Original poster

Ex taking me to court over 4 month old

148 replies

namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 22:04

Has anyone been in a similar situation, I'm so scared, my ex is threatening to take me to court over our 4 month old, need a hand hold

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 17/01/2021 23:03

Those saying ‘play the long game’ and to change numbers and stop all contact etc
This isn’t a game. This is a child. Who deserves to know her father.

By deliberately not putting him on the BC, denying contact etc it honestly doesn’t reflect well on you.

Be reasonable. He wants to see his baby. Imagine if you only got to FaceTime her once a week? And if for some reason you couldn’t make that time, you had to wait 2 weeks.

Set up a schedule that works for you, him and the baby.

You have to deal with this man for at least the next 18 years. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. For your daughters sake.

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2021 23:05

Where is saying ok being difficult? If he said I cant do today can we do tomorrow and she said no thats being difficult

She is feeding her child hourly most likely tired and just agreed to what he said she isnt being difficult she is bloody human

EllisRoses · 17/01/2021 23:06

I don't think you should listen to advice saying to just move away, unless there is a backstory we aren't aware of meaning your partner is a danger to you or your child. Of course your baby shouldn't (and wouldn't) get taken off you but fathers also have a right to their kids.

In some cases I understand, but leaving men off bc and withholding their children from them for no valid reason is vile and wrong imo.

PanamaPattie · 17/01/2021 23:12

What is so important in his life that he couldn’t spare a few minutes to look at his daughter? If this was my ex, I would cut all contact and let him waste his time and money going to court. Chances are he won’t bother as he probably just wants to piss you off and control you - but that is just my opinion.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:13

Thank you for your comments
As much as I would love to just move away and not have to deal with him, it's not an option unfortunately, I'm not keeping him from his child.
He's not on the bc because I was advised to not put him on there as he would be able to control me more. Also we weren't in contact when I registered the birth.

Today baby had fallen asleep by the time he could call so we FaceTimed for 7 minutes (she was asleep and it was just him watching her in silence)
I ended the call (May have been wrong and I realise this but nothing was happening and it was just super uncomfortable)
So we did FaceTime today!

I can understand if I was in his situation, I would find weekly FaceTimes difficult, however this is coming from the man that was not coming down to see his child and was expecting me to go to him.

However FaceTiming everyday is just very tricky, she feeds so regularly and I get so stressed out with the FaceTime calls.

The suggestion of getting him to record a story is a good idea,
I may put this to him and see if he's willing to do so

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:14

@PanamaPattie
He was 'with his dad' who he hasn't seen in 3 months

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:16

@LochJessMonster

I agree it's not a game, I'm not trying to play any game here and I'm not denying him contact.

I know in the eyes of the law that covid doesn't affect children seeing parents, but bearing in mind that she's so tiny she wouldn't know if he was physically seeing her or not, FaceTime or seeing her in person makes no difference for baby, it's for his benefit

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 17/01/2021 23:16

All day? Poor excuse.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/01/2021 23:26

@LochJessMonster

Those saying ‘play the long game’ and to change numbers and stop all contact etc This isn’t a game. This is a child. Who deserves to know her father.

By deliberately not putting him on the BC, denying contact etc it honestly doesn’t reflect well on you.

Be reasonable. He wants to see his baby. Imagine if you only got to FaceTime her once a week? And if for some reason you couldn’t make that time, you had to wait 2 weeks.

Set up a schedule that works for you, him and the baby.

You have to deal with this man for at least the next 18 years. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. For your daughters sake.

I did reference a long game but I haven't suggested she prevent contact by moving.

I think the latter would be a mistake.

As for it's a child not a game, I agree with you but think you're being pedantic in picking on a common turn of phrase.

The long "game" here is coming to a situation which is in the child's best interests.

Which I why I think the OP needs to think carefully about her dealings with her Ex. Show flexibility (though not be bullied) and accept that her child has a right to a relationship with her father (unless that relationship puts her child in harms way).

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/01/2021 23:37

OP - can you clarify - why isn’t he seeing the baby in person? Is that your call or based on medical advice due to COVID? Or is it because he lives 90 minutes away and prefers FaceTime to driving?

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:38

@DifficultBloodyWoman

It's because of advice from her consultant and the health visitor
He doesn't drive and gets the train down.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 17/01/2021 23:41

Op it sounds like you are doing the right thing and it's good that you are clear that you want the child to have a relationship with its father. What I don't understand is people falling over themselves so worried about a man who is trying to bully you when you are hourly breastfeeding making his demands above you and your child. It's almost as if they see the dads rights as more important than the child at this stage. Don't let him bully you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/01/2021 23:42

Then I really don’t think he can justly accuse you of withholding contact.

He has threatened court. He may or may not follow through on that. No court will order daily face times calls (and the reason for FaceTime may have disappeared by the time it reaches court).

But keep a paper trail, just in case. Follow up any phone calls with a text saying ‘just confirming as discussed...’

namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
namechanger247334 · 17/01/2021 23:46

Does this sound right?

Thank you to everyone who has offered advice x

OP posts:
Boonlark · 17/01/2021 23:47

If she saw him in person and was held by him, she'd get to know his smell, his touch and that's an important part of bonding for a baby.

But he needs to be the one that comes to visit, not you going to him while she's so small.

Seeing his dad isn't a reason not to facetime for a few minutes. What he hasn't got hold of, is that the contact is for her benefit, not his.

When you facetime, make sure that you're not in the video, and have headphones in listening to music. Only intervene if she gets upset, or it he gets inappropriate (anger or comments to you). As he may be try to use it to control you either now or in the future. Setting healthy boundaries now will help you in the future.

Also, don't talk to him on the phone or via facetime yourself, except for the quick "right here she is" type of thing; make sure everything is via text, message, or email so that you have everything in writing. If he tries to talk to you, tell him to text or email you, and if he persists, tell him you'll have to end the call unless he stops. And if he carries on, end the call

bluecheesefan · 17/01/2021 23:48

@LochJessMonster

He is well within his rights to get him name put on the birth certificate.

He also should be able to see his baby, ideally with you there to feed when required.
But he needs to make the journey towards you.

Because of covid we FaceTime every Sunday, today he couldn't do it so I said ok we'll do it next week that was a bit out of order, you could have rearranged for tomorrow.

Did you not read the OP?

He is an abuser. And he is using the threat of this to continue the abuse.

omg35 · 17/01/2021 23:48

You might want to report your comment OP as you've named your DD. I have more to say separately

Heartofglass12345 · 17/01/2021 23:48

Just wanted to let you know you've put the baby's name in your last post.
I hope you can work something out and he doesn't make things difficult for you Thanks

Boonlark · 17/01/2021 23:49

Don't send that message. Especially don't apologise. I'll say more once I've had time to think a bit more

PanamaPattie · 17/01/2021 23:49

Don’t send this. Never say that you were wrong or that you are sorry. Take out your daughters name on the thread. Don’t ask him to do anything.

MoodyMarshall · 17/01/2021 23:51

OP that message should read:

'Call at X time on Y day. Contact me within 48 hours if you can't make it.'

No apology, no explanation. Assert boundaries. Don't tell him anything.

Wishitsnows · 17/01/2021 23:52

Don't say sorry and apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

omg35 · 17/01/2021 23:52

Sorry OP, wanted to give you a chance to get your post with her name removed ASAP.

I think your message is confused tbh and has too many tones- apologetic in some places which you shouldn't be and argumentative in others which you also shouldn't be. I'd keep it much shorter.

"I think there was a misunderstanding today re FaceTime as I assumed from your message you were unavailable all day. I'm glad you got to speak to DD in the end.

I don't believe threats are helpful and I won't be engaging with them. You're very welcome to get legal advice but overnight access isn't in her interests at the moment. I am happy to consider working towards this in the future once she's older, no longer EBF and covid isn't a risk to her health"

nyenc · 17/01/2021 23:52

No don't send that, keep it short and to the point. What you've written sounds like a long winded apology/grovel.

Never say sorry.