Husband bought a house/divorce.

[MinnieKat]

My ex husband started divorce proceedings against me (separated 6 years at that point) and I received the first papers in January. These got mislaid (extenuating circumstances) and I requested a second copy from the court in March. Obviously the papers were delayed by COVID and I received them a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has been signed.

I checked the land registry yesterday and found that the house XH and his partner moved into in May is owned by them as I suspected.

What is my position?

We have 3 children and 95% of childcare has been done by me since our split. Due to DC’s needs and his lack of input I’ve only had part time jobs or relied on benefits since then. I can prove he has had no responsibility for their educational/medical requirements and all decisions have been made by me.

None of us do, which is why my solicitors want it all laid out so we can make better choices.

For all we know, he’s won the lottery. For all he knows I have. It’s sensible all round to have these things out in the open.

I can say though that his family would not have done childcare. They do not like our children and have almost zero contact or interest in them. This was true before the split. He would have had to provide childcare himself or paid for it, but that would have been difficult because of their three separate additional needs. Which is why it hasn’t been an option for me.

he could use family for childcare. He could also have lived differently (eg rented a flat rather than lived free with his parents) so as to not be able to save

Given his parents are not interested in seeing the children I think the free childcare is out and unless his parents had a couple of spare bedrooms and allowed the children to actually live in their house I think he would have had to get a 3 bedroom flat to house them when he had them.

I think he would have been financially out of pocket by at least a few hundred pounds per month because he couldn’t have lived with his parents. Also if he had pulled his weight and had his children on a regular basis given his line of work then a lot of the night shifts would have stopped and his wages and savings ability would have been impacted.

Don’t want to burst the bubble MinnieKat but unless he bought the marital home where you lived or something else that was in your name or joint names then even if he won £90 squillion on the lottery that is one thing that is exempt from the marital pot.

Oh I know, it was just an example of the fact that neither of us know the other’s situation for certain.

Though I will curse a bit if he has, I never win more than £1 on a scratchcard! grin]

Totally agree you should lay it all out on form e. I too am a single parent with an ex who doesn’t pull his weight (and also pays 0 child maintenance) so get your frustration with ex not contributing. It is difficult to get a share of assets accrues after separation tho so be prepared and good luck

I’m not expecting miracles, I’d be happy with more CM and a portion of his pension. He will make this very difficult (which is understandable) but I’m hopeful that I have enough evidence on my side to show that the imbalance has seriously benefitted him and not me during our separation.

But can you evidence that he had no interest in taking more of the care despite you asking for it?

Could he say that he wanted 50/50 care for instance but you were dead set against it?

It would be alive but could you prove it?

Yes, I could. Medical and educational documents back me up. Plus his career choices will show he’s never had any intention of having them more.

Also if he tried that he’d have to have proof of my refusal and he doesn’t as it’s never happened . Also he’d have to explain why he never took me to court for more access or why he wants more access to children he clearly cares so little for.

Even my solicitor said I couldn’t force him to have them more. Apparently that fight only works one way. You can fight if you want them more but not if you think you should have them less.

Your husband (and he still is your husband) will try to control everything like he has for the whole of this saga.

I wouldn’t be surprised that he has only now agreed to the divorce because he has parked all of his savings into a house that is also owned by someone else so it will make it difficult for you to claim a lump sum from him.

I would actually ask for a percentage share of his share of house as an opening gambit. I wouldn’t let him get away with anything.

If you roll over and let things go he will push for more.

Despite appearances here, I really want nothing to do with his house. I don’t feel I have a claim to it, nor do I want that connection to him.

It’s what it represents and what he’s achieved by leaving me to raise his children while he builds up his assets.

I only posted here to get thoughts on how this might affect things financially during the divorce. I only want to feel like my efforts are recognised. I can’t actually put a price on that.

For so long I’ve been worth less than nothing to him, shit on his shoe, only fit to do a job he doesn’t want to do and be abused for it. To hear someone with the power to officially say that I deserve something, anything more than the nothing he feels I should have, would be worth this to me.

Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way, maybe I should “let it go”, I’ve moved on, so has he, there’s no need for this. But I do feel this way, I do feel a need to stand up to him, show him that just once I won’t back down, look him in the eye and know that the decision is someone else’s hands but I didn’t lie down and slink away like he wants me to.

It’s the decision I would urge my daughters to take, to not let a man, or anyone, ever let them feel worthless.

I might not win the battle, but I will win my war.

Talk about entitled for heavens sake!! You are shocking, money grabbing and out to cause trouble to someone (his new partner) who has done nothing to you at all. IF you get anything I hope it makes you happy and yes I have been in this position whilst being a single mum to special needs children..... stop blaming him and hiding behind your children's special needs......

Chimpfield, let’s face it. I won’t get anything the law says I’m not ENTITLED to, so I suggest you take your self down a peg or two, take it up with the law and stop projecting about your own situation if you never got the wake up call that you deserved better and fought for it.

Also please tell me where I’ve mentioned the effect on his new partner at all?

Do I owe her something? Does she owe me? Or is she actually sweet FA to do with it?

FWIW, I really like her! We’ve talked about the kids, I’ve gone to her for advice etc and she invited me to their new house recently. It doesn’t change anything. Why should it?

Chimpfield

You do realise that on his insistence they are still married.

It might sound dreadful to you what op is doing but his insistence they remain married all these years has brought this situation about.

The only money grabber is the husband who has used op as unpaid childcare for his children.
If he had taken on parental responsibility and looked after his own children for a couple of days per week it would have got in the way of him making money and allowed op to earn as well.

This is about control. Maybe he expected his wife to just give up on getting anything from him because it wasn’t “morally correct” or it was “unfair” or he decided she shouldn’t get anything or just that as he has kept op down for so long she wouldn’t have the money to fight for what she is entitled to so he could throw her a few pennies and she would be grateful.
If he wanted to control the op by not giving her a divorce for 6 years then why shouldn’t she go after him. Don’t the children deserve something from their father even if op has to go through the courts to get it.

Chimpfield did the father of your children refuse to divorce you for 6 years. Not take the children for a couple of days per week for those 6 years because it got in the way of his work and savings.
If this is your situation then why not go after what you are entitled to. Why would you just feel sorry for him and his new partner and in effect hand them your share of what you and your children should have got.

You do realise that if he doesn’t have a will and dies then op could end up as half owner of a house with his new partner.

The law is quite clear op is still the next of kin.

As friends stbexh has found out even though they spilt 4 years ago they are still married and any monies or assets both parties have are considered marital assets. Even new cars bought with earnings after they had split.

Good for you op.
I hope you get something out of this.
Your not just fighting for yourself but your kids too.

Let's see if you are still welcome in their home once you they realise what your intentions are! And for your info I trained for a new career with no help from my family or ex husband and both mine have complex physical and behavioural needs...... my choice, I did it on my own. So don't need to come down a peg or two at all thanks.

You definitely do if you’re so narrow minded that you think everyone should be able to do things just like you. My life didn’t work out like that.

What my intentions are?!

You do make me laugh. Like I’m planning some hostile takeover bid. No. Just trying to make sure I don’t spend another 12 years with regrets. Which I will have if I don’t do this.

Oddly enough I’m not particularly fussed if I don’t go to their house again. It’s not my world.

Chimpfield is going at it a bit aggressively, but ultimately, it sounds like you want him to be punished for leaving you looking after the children.

Yes, he made some choices that didn't benefit you but you were party to some of those choices too, for a start by having 3 children.

There was a thread recently that went on for pages about whether a new mum should give up her job and become a sahm. The majority said that she shouldn't because you never know what can happen and the man that seems the perfect partner and father once does become a horrible human being when things don't go well any longer.

What you should be teaching your daughters is it how to stand up to men when they've made choices that seem to penalise you but to seek independence from any man in the first place.

You’ve weird boundaries asking advice from his new partner.

It may sound like that, but truly those aren’t my motivations.

I did choose to have three children, in a committed marriage with equal parenting, as did he. It was not my choice for that equal parenting to expire along with the marriage, that was his choice alone. It was also his choice alone to do all the overtime and overnight shifts. And his choice to plain old not see them because his priorities had changed and quite frankly he couldn’t be bothered. Him and I split up, not him and the children.

But yes, I do think he needs to be answerable for those choices. Not punished, but I do believe there should be a consequence. However, if it comes to court then what either of us think won’t matter, the courts will decide the fairness of things. Both of us will have to live with whatever decision that is.

It was advice regarding approaching an issue with the children and their dad. She’s their stepmother (or will be). Why wouldn’t I attempt to involve her if she’s better placed than me to advise or support the children?

Because she’s his wife. It’s not appropriate to ask her advice. She’s nit your friend. Or a professional.

Not yet she’s not.

When it concerns the children then yes it is. It’s weird to me when people don’t involve step parents, there’s no reason not to if there’s no concerns about them. At the end of the day she was better placed to support with that issue than I was, we had a conversation, I set up a chance for her to talk to the children about it and left them to it. No dramas.

Is the child maint through the CMS ? If he's earning more you should be getting more ?

That’s what my solicitors need to check. It’s only ever been a private arrangement. I asked him to up a while ago, but he refused.