Husband bought a house/divorce.

[MinnieKat]

My ex husband started divorce proceedings against me (separated 6 years at that point) and I received the first papers in January. These got mislaid (extenuating circumstances) and I requested a second copy from the court in March. Obviously the papers were delayed by COVID and I received them a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has been signed.

I checked the land registry yesterday and found that the house XH and his partner moved into in May is owned by them as I suspected.

What is my position?

We have 3 children and 95% of childcare has been done by me since our split. Due to DC’s needs and his lack of input I’ve only had part time jobs or relied on benefits since then. I can prove he has had no responsibility for their educational/medical requirements and all decisions have been made by me.

I understand where you are coming from. You are still married regardless of what people say and it was mighty stupid of him to go and buy an asset whilst still married.

Whilst you say you get child maintenance if he isn’t doing any childcare then I think the child maintenance figures needs to be looked at.
And the house buying.

If he would have got as a bare minimum EOW and he isn’t taking the children off you for those 48 hours then I think you need to factor in the extra childcare for the past 6 years that would mean you got a break so you could work if he wasn’t willing to put his life on hold for those 48 hours every fortnight.

I have a friend who has been separated for 4 years and trying to divorce her husband for 4 years. The marital assets are there.
He bought a new car and there is now discussions about adding this asset to the list of matrimonial assets as it was bought whilst they are still married.

If you had divorced when you wanted to then he would have been free and clear to do what he wants.
But he chose not to so as he chose to still remain married I would have thought the house was an asset

From a solicitors website

The Family Courts cannot make financial orders about how a couple's property and money will be divided until divorce proceedings have at least reached the midpoint in the process. This means that the couple's assets may be shared long after the couple has separated

Also: what do you actually know about the circumstances of the house purchase? It is likely a mortgage (so not that much equity) and did he definitely even pay the deposit? Could have been a family gift, or his new partner? And if he can show he earned that money over the last few years, it’s very unlikely a judge would consider it any of your business.

www.lawgazette.co.uk/legal-updates/post-separation-accrual/5061573.article This article in the Law Gazette might be of interest? I think any thoughts of the house being your focus should be discarded, but you should look at the question of whether post-sepertaion accrual non-marital assets are necessary to meet your minimum needs—if the court says yes, then it doesn’t require them to be marital assets.

Your situation isn’t particularly unusual, but you need to consider what the likely outcome is going to be. Non-matrimonial assets accrued between separation and divorce can be included in divorce settlements, but it isn’t a clear cut decision and a lot is going to depend on what financial figures are in play. Unless he has a significant amount of equity in his new home which could be borrowed against to pay you, or is a very high earner, you’re more likely to end up paying thousands in legal fees to see little return. What is his rough financial situation?

6 years!! Can you really be bothered?

In short, yes I can be bothered. I don’t want a court battle. I’d rather have the discussion calmly through mediation and reach a fair decision but I need to know 100% where I stand first.

The point still is that if he’d done his fair share of childcare and still earned the money then well and good, but he hasn’t and he has left me in a position where I haven’t been able to work more than part time in order to support his children with their additional needs. He’s benefited from that. I have benefitted from nothing.

I feel I deserve something more than the nothing I will get because he wouldn’t have earned the money or I could have worked more if he hadn’t made the decisions he made and left me to pick up the pieces. He never left me any choice and he knew that.

I may be wrong to pursue this but I need to at least check for my own peace of mind.

He doesn’t sound like the sort of person who’s going to attend mediation and then calmly agree that yes, you should have a claim on his new house. Which is where the costly legal expenses are going to come in, and then you have to assess whether the likelihood of being successful will outweigh the costs. Unfortunately, you aren’t going to find out 100% where you stand beforehand because sharing of non-matrimonial assets is complex.

Feeling you deserve something and your chances of getting something are entirely different and, as many posters have said, will depend on his financial circumstances. What do you know about these?

I know he’s debt free as those were paid off years ago.

I know roughly how much he works, and what he earns as a basic wage and how much his overtime is, however he has progressed in his career so that will be guess work. I know he’s been working as much overtime as possible in the last two years ( for his share of the house deposit I imagine) and he lived with his mum for 5 years before that. His outgoings were minimal as far as I can tell.

A lot of that is based on how well I know him and the fact that we are, on the surface, civil so have brought things up in conversation.

I’m just so tired of him always coming out on top.

How can you be expected to know what to ask for without full disclosure of his assets, including the value of any property, saving, and pension?
You need that in writing. Before you do anything else.

Delphinium

Thank you, I will make a note of that for tomorrow.

OP while I am definitely not a lawyer, I did work in the legal sector and can tell you that the worst way to approach anything contractual or legal like this is with emotions, or a sense of wanting to right a wrong. Your financial situation now and relationship with your ex are not ideal, but are capable of getting a lot worse, please bare that in mind.

I still think you have legal rights however that you can and should pursue. The house seems to me to be a distraction though—and I think your reaction to it is emotional, not based on logic. Listen to your lawyers, pursue the less cathartic but more sensible avenues.
It sounds like your basic needs are not being met, and that is something the law can deal with regardless of issues around marital assets. It also seems that whatever child maintenance he has given you has not adequately reflected the work/expenses required for the children, or the balance of workload here between you two.

Lawyers might be able to advise that you can get something backdated maybe via a lump sum, however I very much doubt it will be to an amount that you would consider equitable. The situation unfortunately seems that you took on unpaid care of the children full time, he had visitation and minimal maintenance, and used his time to put himself in a strong position. Legally i think you would have been in a good position 6 years ago to ensure equitable division of childcare, in a structured way which meant you would both have been able to work. When you’re seperated I think the court rarely thinks it is the job of the ex to finance a stay at home parent.
Please avoid any expensive mistakes—get legal advice that is brutally honest and based around getting outcomes, do not go in there wanting to make a point.

You should ask for what you're entitled to under the law. That said, might be better to go after a share of his pension as there's not likely to be much equity in the house and would it reduce your entitlement to benefits anyway. Pension likely to be more valuable in the long run. Take legal advice from a good lawyer and do what they say, not what some randoms off the internet think you should do.

1230

Thank you. Honestly you’re right. I’ve been close to tears all day and I can’t put my finger on why. It’s not him, but it’s the fact that he has always been so strong and has always overpowered me and got the outcome he wanted. I had no chance against him 6 years ago, I had more debt, no money to fight him and no will or energy. I don’t have much more now but it’s been so unequal for years and I couldn’t change it. He always got what he wanted somehow, and now it’s happening again and I can’t bear it. I just wanted for once that I had something on my side.

It’s not the house but what the house represents, success, security and money. All the things that he never gave me a chance to have because he never gave me a break.

@MinnieKat, look into it but honestly I think unless you have £10K - £20k plus to pay legal fees then you might have to let this battle go. You would be better off claiming any child maintenance and claiming on his pension. It sounds like this has eaten you up for over 6 years - don't let him take up any more of your life.

Oh OP my heart breaks for you, and for all women treated like trash by shitbag men. They get away with far too much, and are allowed to spawn without responsibility while leaving women to pick up the pieces.

Talk to the lawyers about what you are entitled to and get that, while avoiding any unnecessary legal action. You can’t change the past, but you can draw a line in the sand and say you will no longer allow him to escape his parental responsibilities. He needs to contribute equally to their lives, and you need to have the legal backup on this.
The divorce being finalised will help you draw a line, and recast yourself as someone who won’t get treated like this. Then it’s time to put yourself first, and get yourself into the same good position he is in. 5 years from now you can also be in a brilliant place financially, with a great relationship with your kids, and most importantly of all going home with the pleasure of your great company, which he will never have! Don’t be self sacrificing. Don’t allow any flexibility that diminishes your own ability to get to a good place in life.

The house is a symbol in your mind, make sure you don’t waste years of your life and too much of your money pursuing a dead end. Get what you can, then put that drive and determination into yourself and your future.

You can do it!!! And the best revenge is getting yourself into a great place in life, and being able to fully move on. Fuck him, you’re better than that.

Really good post @12309845653ghydrvj.

It is a very good post, thank you 1230

you say its not about money ect but he pays cm he sees the kids and he's moved on and bought a house with someone else , are you sure your not just a bit jealous and pissed off ? I dont understand why women need to go after every single penny ! stand on your own 2 feet and be proud to raise your kids on your own , your way and provide for them yourself , much better than having a man payout for everything and spousal maintenance???? wtf really ?

Op

I think previous posts about not approaching with emotion is very sensible. If your husband doesn't have many assets then you may we'll be flogging a dead horse and end up with legal bills that far exceed what you gain. As said, assets acquired since separation may be excluded as long as the children can be orovided for which given the length of the separation is hard to argue against really.

Lawyers can easily be £300 + vat an hour so a couple of meetings will wipe out £1000.

Suggest you proceed and get to the exchange of the form E and see what assets he declares. If he has a substantial pension then you may be entitled to a portion of that if you don't have provision yourself but ultimately you will need to weigh off what assets there are that can be considered matrimonial and whether the risk of whopping legal Bills is worth it

Whatever, you do need a clean break consent order at the end of this

100% sure I’m not jealous. I wouldn’t choose his life for all the money in the world.

But yes I’m pissed off. Why shouldn’t I be? I’ve had to live on benefits and feel like a scrounging scumbag for years because he wouldn’t do enough of his fair share to allow me to work enough and provide for them myself. Nor did he provide for them, even half. What he pays barely covers the costs of one of them.

rebecca102

Friend has been trying to divorce her ex for 4 years and it too could run into 6 years

Some husbands don’t want to let go until it is on their terms,

Now friends Stbxh has bought a brand new top of the range sports car for cash (probably because of a payment he received from the government because of his business)
She knows it is for cash as he never has anything on credit or rental.

It is now part of the marital assets

They believe I have a claim as his position has improved since our separation which it wouldn’t if he had had more of his share of childcare
How can anyone make that claim with certainty? It's ridiculous. In my case, it went the other way around. I'm the one who progress in my career and bought a house despite having full residency if the children he only saw for a few hours on Saturdays, whilst he got in financial trouble and was never able to work.

Many single mums manage to work ft, have a career and buy a house with little help.

You can't put responsibity in your ex for opting to work PT and not pursue a career after you separated.

You say it's not jealousy but you say it's unfair fed got a house when you rely on benefits, that does sound like bitterness and envy. For all you know, she put much more into the house.

How would you feel if you'd met someone, bought a house together, with him financing most of it, and have your ex closing he should be entitled to some of it because your still officially married?

You need to move on and accept your destiny is yours, not dependent on him.

I didn’t opt for it. All three of our children have additional needs which prevented me from working more than part time. All documented medical/educational evidence to support this.

Quite frankly if I’d acted like him then I’d consider it fair enough if he claimed against me since my actions had so prevented him from progressing.

I got the opportunity to attend full time college. Got all childcare arranged around him bar two afternoons per week which he could have requested not to work as his shifts are flexible. He refused knowing that I wouldn’t be able to arrange anything else as all other childcare was maxed out and their different abilities need different care settings.

I tried night school around working and having their care and responsibilities, I crumbled as I just couldn’t do it all. He’s left me to it and built up a cushy life for himself.

Good for him, but let’s not pretend that I had nothing to do with it. I can guarantee that if he’d had to do what I’ve had to for the children he helped to make, he wouldn’t have what he has today.

I know enough about their circumstances to believe it’s fairly even between them. We are amicable.