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Legal matters

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Original poster

Husband bought a house/divorce.

144 replies

MinnieKat · 26/08/2020 10:48

My ex husband started divorce proceedings against me (separated 6 years at that point) and I received the first papers in January. These got mislaid (extenuating circumstances) and I requested a second copy from the court in March. Obviously the papers were delayed by COVID and I received them a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has been signed.

I checked the land registry yesterday and found that the house XH and his partner moved into in May is owned by them as I suspected.

What is my position?

We have 3 children and 95% of childcare has been done by me since our split. Due to DC’s needs and his lack of input I’ve only had part time jobs or relied on benefits since then. I can prove he has had no responsibility for their educational/medical requirements and all decisions have been made by me.

OP posts:
minnieok · 28/08/2020 19:55

Sorry but this just sounds vengeful. You have been separated years and divorce was instigated before he bought the house. Because technically you have a claim doesn't make it morally right. Aim for 50% of his pension and 50% of his savings (they can track back so him moving funds isn't an issue). He's entitled to be adequately housed. You get child maintenance, if his income is £60k + spousal maintenance may be possible but a final settlement is preferred

AnytimeIsWineTime · 28/08/2020 19:59

OP.. my DPs ex of 11 years attempted to have a bit of our house when we bought it. Because my name is on it, I own 50% and their marriage had nothing to do with me, all she got was hefty court fees. My DP is not a total d*ick though and paid a good 3 quarters of the bill for her.
Why not just go for appropriate CM rather than the property? It’s not his new partners fault.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/08/2020 22:03

Because technically you have a claim doesn't make it morally right

Does the law operate on morals?

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 07:16

I honestly couldn’t give a fig for morals.

What about his morals? Just before he got with his current partner he asked me to consider getting back together. I gently turned him down and encouraged him to take a chance on a girl from work he liked. He did, and this is the result. I was the first he told when they had sex and I was genuinely pleased for him!

I’m still happy he’s found happiness, but if we’re talking morals, then I’d argue morally he owes me something for the time, effort and support I’ve put in for him throughout the separation, both privately and in terms of supporting his career progression by not pushing for more childcare.

I’d rather be the bitch that got something, than the doormat who got fuck all.

OP posts:
Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 07:26

The point being that we didn’t spilt badly exactly, there have been tensions at times, and multiple abuses on his side but for the most part I’ve stayed amicable.

It’s not like we’ve always been at each other’s throats and now I’m crawling out of the woodwork with my hand out. I’ve always been there, not just in the kids life, but in his. Supporting him, or more to the point, enabling him.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 29/08/2020 07:52

You are entitled to adequate support for your dc. Be realistic about what you can get. The equity in their house could be small.

Try and focus on your own life not his new one. He doesn't sound like a good person let alone a good dad.

If he was dead rather than divorcing what would you do? How would you plan your future?

You can't rely on him for childcare so just act like he's dead.

If you focus on him all the time anger will just eat you up. The situation isn't fair. You have been totally screwed over. There is no way to make that right.

Fight for what you are entitled to but try to let the anger go.

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 07:57

I’ve lived the last few years without being consumed by my feelings for him. I can live my whole life without thinking of him again but I think I need to ball up everything in the pit of my stomach at the moment and use it as fuel. Otherwise I’ll never have the strength to go against him. I’ve never fought him before because I learnt quickly that he’d see to it that I was more unhappy if I did.

Just once I want to fight for what’s right.

OP posts:
Chimpfield · 29/08/2020 08:20

"Just once I want to fight for what’s right."

If you think this is right, you have a real problem......... just move on! You say you don't want him, well it's a pity it doesn't extend to money he has accrued during time you were no longer together! After being on the receiving end of unsuccessful legal action I have no sympathy for you. The only winners here will be the solicitors and I hope the animosity and stress doesn't filter down to your children.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/08/2020 08:23

Who would save more a childless couple or a couple with 2 small children if both had the same income and same out goings apart from anything to do with children
But that's not the situation here. As already said, I'm the one, with the residency of two very young children who managed to buy a house, despite paying childcare fully AND getting no maintenance from my ex. If I managed it, why couldn't OP ex have too?

in terms of supporting his career progression by not pushing for more childcare
Of you so much wanted to put your career ahead and work ft to afford a property, why didn't you push for more residency on his part (it's not childcare when it's the parent caring for their children!)?

Lazypuppy · 29/08/2020 08:33

OP i cannot believe the amount of people telling you to walk away!

He was an idiot to buy a house when he is still married to you, i would 100% be going after what i was legally entitled to...doesn't matter if its morally right or wrong.

Shouldbedoing · 29/08/2020 08:34

Minnie's, focus on Form E and his pension. That's the asset that will yield you the most security long term. His carefree life vs your daily grind stinks, but you have the love and respect of your children. Hold your head high (and don't buy your solicitor a Maserati?

Shouldbedoing · 29/08/2020 08:36

That should have been an ! not a ?

Doccomplaint · 29/08/2020 08:42

Oh love I know exactly how you feel.

What happened to make you so angry now?

Get your form E and go from there. If there’s no big money there’s no point in a court case. It’ll just cost you emotionally as well as financially.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/08/2020 08:46

If you think this is right, you have a real problem......... just move on! You say you don't want him, well it's a pity it doesn't extend to money he has accrued during time you were no longer together

But it is right.

Here you have a guy who refused to divorce, as friends dh found out if you buy a new car whilst still married (despite her trying to divorce him for the past 4 years) then it becomes part of the marital pot.

Marriage is a legal contract. You can’t just decide that as you split up 4/6/28 years ago that morally you aren’t married so things don’t count.

Any savings he accrued during their marriage which is still on going become part of the marital pot.
After all he couldn’t have earned the amount he did if he had to look after his own children.

I'm the one, with the residency of two very young children who managed to buy a house, despite paying childcare fully AND getting no maintenance from my ex. If I managed it, why couldn't OP ex have too

Possibly because given his hours and work patterns as op has said it would have meant he couldn’t get childcare (not everyone works 9-5) so he would have missed out on work.

Also by taking care of his own children then that would have left op free to take on work herself and better her own situation.
That to him would have meant he was losing control of op and not keeping her in her place.
Why do you think he has refused to divorce for 6 years.
You can’t have it both ways.
You either divorce or you remain married.
You cannot live your life as a singleton if you choose to remain married and expect no consequences if you then choose to buy big ticket items and expect it to go unnoticed

Coffeecak3 · 29/08/2020 08:46

OP the only person morally wrong here is the father imo.
Everyone knows that most cm payments barely feed and clothe a child let alone cover rent and utilities.

Until men are obliged to properly and fairly care for dc 50% mothers will mostly be forced to take whatever pt work they can get.
If you can get something out of your ex go for it but be sure of the cost first.
As for the ow she is an adult, I wouldn't worry about her finances because she certainly doesn't care about yours.

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 08:49

Once again, when the children were younger I couldn’t afford the legal bills and in truth, didn’t think I’d win anything.

I never wanted a house of my own, that’s not the issue here. I wanted the TIME to go and better myself, and that was what I thought I wouldn’t win more of even if I could fight it.

Please don’t assume that I’ve just been lazy and now I’m content to get what I can. That is not the case for me. There is more to this than I’ve put here because it’s irrelevant to the legal issues.

OP posts:
Doccomplaint · 29/08/2020 08:58

It’s not irrelevant though from your post a couple of days ago. It’s what is driving you. Which is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself.

You can easily hit tens of thousands in a legal bill. So check the form E

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 09:01

Thank you for the advice.

I’m honest with myself and happy with the choices I’m making.

OP posts:
Doccomplaint · 29/08/2020 09:01

I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 09:20

Thank you. I appreciate that.

OP posts:
GreyShadow · 29/08/2020 09:31

Team MinnieCat!! Totally understand your point of view.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/08/2020 13:49

Yes please keep us updated indeed. What are you after anyway? If he just bought the house, there can be very little equity and it half will be his.

As others have said, it's the solicitors that will be the winners in this. You say you don't want revenge, but it sounds like this is what it is.

Original poster
MinnieKat · 29/08/2020 15:38

Quite frankly, I’m not fussed if anyone thinks this is revenge based. I totally see why you might think that.

I’m happy with my motivations and feel I’m acting in the correct way for my situation.

OP posts:
disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 29/08/2020 17:41

I completely get you MinnieKat . One thing that drives me nuts are people who come on 'legal' and give 'their moral opinion'

I get your point. If you had been run over by a bus (god forbid) and he had had to look after HIS children. There is a doubt he would of even been able to sustain a new relationship (with 3 children ) let alone earn enough to support a mortgage.

Therefore - it is quite clear to me that YOUR care for your 3 joint children - has facilitated his ability to purchase a house.
Which is no doubt the way your lawyer sees it.

Take your emotion out of it. Follow the law. Read up. Get yourself knowledgable in the matter. Go for e eryrhing the law permits. Nothing more , nothing less.

You do not sound jealous. You sound like this is about justice. Which I agree with you.

Do this for your children. Their fathers lack of care may have a financial consequence in their favour. Although money doesn't make up for care, it will help you have a better life.

CayrolBaaaskin · 30/08/2020 06:43

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel - not necessarily as he could use family for childcare. He could also have lived differently (eg rented a flat rather than lived free with his parents) so as to not be able to save.

In any event, if these are savings accrued after separation, the court will be more reluctant to take them into account. But they may do if required to meet the parties reasonable needs. We can’t say without knowing all the details but it’s unlikely the court would force him to sell or remortgage a property he owns with a new partner acquired from funds after separation especially if (as we suspect) there is not much equity in it. But we don’t know, as I said, all the details.