Husband bought a house/divorce.

[MinnieKat]

My ex husband started divorce proceedings against me (separated 6 years at that point) and I received the first papers in January. These got mislaid (extenuating circumstances) and I requested a second copy from the court in March. Obviously the papers were delayed by COVID and I received them a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has been signed.

I checked the land registry yesterday and found that the house XH and his partner moved into in May is owned by them as I suspected.

What is my position?

We have 3 children and 95% of childcare has been done by me since our split. Due to DC’s needs and his lack of input I’ve only had part time jobs or relied on benefits since then. I can prove he has had no responsibility for their educational/medical requirements and all decisions have been made by me.

Perhaps his partner put up most of the deposit for the house and it's ringfenced. I doubt if there will be much equity there on his part.

Honestly, I know enough to believe that he will have put money in. Call it intuition if you will, but I’ve known him a long time.

His partner is also not stupid, she wouldn’t put him on the mortgage of a house before he was divorced. Especially if he’d put no money in.

You sound very bitter. There are a lot of wishful "should have beens" underlying in your posts. If I were you, I would concentrate on the divorce and assets that you/ he had 4-7 years ago - everything else (if indeed ther is money) should be a bonus.

Make sure you get the correct amount of child maintenance.
I would also concentrate on the DC, they need you to function and not eaten up by bitterness- HE isn't worth it. SHE is not worth it. Your DC deserve better.

Thank you for the useful advice that has been posted. I’ll just have the meeting today and make a decision based on their advice about our situation.

I'm usually 100-percent behind fighting for your rights but sweet jesus move on this bitterness will cost you money and won't gain you anything. Obviously the lawyer you'll be paying thinks its a good idea! He's gone, more than gone in fact. You picked badly if he doesn't provide like you think he should and you should already have addressed it. 6 years ffs move on.

No. I won’t move on until I feel I’ve satisfied every avenue to get what I possibly can.

I gave 12 years of my life to the family he helped create while he fucked off to live his life free of any responsibility or commitment.

Why should I lie down again if I have options to stand up for.

If I can’t, I can’t but I’m sure as fuck going to try if I can.

@MinnieKat i hear you. If the law says you are entitled then do go for it. He has shafted ypu amd ypur children.

However, do get full advice re the costs and potential amount as it may be abattle that cpuld leave yput worse off emotionally and financially.

It is spectacularly unfair.

I am almost through my divorce. So mamy friends gave advice about not involvong lawyers and horror stories. Also they seemed to have an ethical issue with me getting what a court decides is fair. I don't understand that at all. Worried about giving women etc a bad name. However, we kept it civil agreed most and having a third party decide helped make all the decisions easier to bear for both.

But even amicable costs. It cost us 50k but there were a lot of assets to sort and international living arrangements

sofa

Thank you. I agree with everything you said. I have a list of things to discuss today and getting an idea of costs is top of it. I have every intention of walking away today and signing the papers if it is financially not viable for me to pursue any claim.

I just want to feel like my contribution has been worth something.

Good luck. And i hope you get some closure and peace about it. In the end you will need that to be happy. You can't waste your life being bitter either. Pull on ypur big girl pants, work it out and then accept it.

I gave 12 years of my life to the family he helped create while he fucked off to live his life free of any responsibility or commitment
You had the chance to raise 3 wonderful children what working PT and supported by the state. Some would say that you are the fortunate one. You'll always have your kids whereas from the sound of it, he'll have little back from them. Kids are worth much more than a house.

How old are they? Isn't it possible to plan to go back ft in a few years time if it's not possible now?

He has only been able to buy because he has had no childcare commitments and has been able to work
And even if you can make a case that you struggle to work ft due to your children needs, how can you say that if he had shared custody, he wouldn't have been able to work ft and be where he is? Maybe he would have found childcare providers and continued to work ft.

Did you ever go to court to ask that he has the kids 50/50? I just can't see how you a judge could be convinced that the only way he managed to buy a house was because he didn't have his kids more often.

His partner is also not stupid, she wouldn’t put him on the mortgage of a house before he was divorced

You said in your first post that he has bought the house with his current partner. If he is part owner he is almost certainly on the mortgage. However, regardless of whether or not his name is no the mortgage, he, at best, owns 50% of the amount by which the value of the house exceeds the mortgage. So, if you persist, you are after a slice of that.

The first priority for the courts is to ensure that everyone has enough to meet your reasonable financial needs. If the only way to achieve that is to dip into assets he acquired post-separation the courts will indeed do so. If your reasonable needs can be met without touching the house it is less likely you will get a share of it.

You may be able to argue that he was only able to buy the house due to the marriage and get a slice of it that way but, given that he bought it 5 or 6 years after separation, that will be hard to justify. It will be impossible to justify if, as you speculate, he put no money in.

I do hear your pain and your outrage but sadly they won't help you. The partner who walks away generally benefits financially. It sucks, I know it sucks rage, sorrow and disbelief governed me for years. When I decided, and it was just that, a decision, to stop. To accept he'll have houses, cars, holidays a new wife and to pick up and drop our beautiful children at will and there was bugger all I could do about it was the start of my new life. Its a much better, happier life.

I meant she wouldn’t have done that if he’d put no money in.

Spoken to solicitor. Got advice. Continuing with claim against him with advice from them.

Thanks all for helpful responses.

And even if you can make a case that you struggle to work ft due to your children needs, how can you say that if he had shared custody, he wouldn't have been able to work ft and be where he is? Maybe he would have found childcare providers and continued to work ft

But the cost of several years of childcare would have impacted on his ability to save.

And not being able to hand the children to their father for a couple of days EOW or just one night per week meant that op wasn’t given the ability to earn without paying out for childcare.

Olivers

Thank you. He also wasn’t paying a full rent at his parents for the five years he was there, he worked a lot of overtime so although I don’t have exact figures this will have been fairly substantial I think if you include all holidays and overnight shifts. That money has gone somewhere and considering he’s been with his partner slightly less than two years, it’s unlikely (not impossible though) that he saved any money he put towards a deposit solely in that time.

He would not have been able to do the job he is trained if he had done more care of them without serious affecting his ability to save.

But the cost of several years of childcare would have impacted on his ability to save
And maybe his parents would have done the childcare.

Way too many assumptions of what could have been. The point is you cannot say that there's no way he could have been where he is now if he had the children 50% of the time.

His parents do not see the children, their choice.

@MinnieKat

His parents do not see the children, their choice.

They see their son but not their grandchildren? Are there behaviour issues?

Way too many assumptions of what could have been. The point is you cannot say that there's no way he could have been where he is now if he had the children 50% of the time

I think we can.

There are multiple threads on here about couples having children before buying a home
The advice for others is first buy then have children as children do impact the ability to save as much not just because of the financial costs but also the time factor.

If you believe this guy would have still earned and saved the same amount if he did have his children 50% of the time then I ask you the question?
Who would save more a childless couple or a couple with 2 small children if both had the same income and same out goings apart from anything to do with children.

Minnie I fear you are about to learn a hard lesson. My sister is divorced from her husband. He fiddles his taxes and pays bare minimum child support which he changes at will. He has a job with very irregular hours. He sees the kids when it suits him. He has crippled her ability to work by refusing to do his share of childcare or pay for it so my sister could work. He simultaneously calls her a money grabber at every opportunity.

He forced the sale of their house, which didn't have a huge amount of equity, but enough for him to buy with his bit on the side. My sister has no partner and no hope of getting on the property ladder, and even worse the money (which she put in a no access account for the kids) meant her tax credits were axed, leaving her worse off.

He continues to make her life hell, and has decided that one of the kids who is going through some tough shit is no longer welcome in his home, so my sister has at least one child 24/7/365

She has been to court several times, and has had some high powered advice.

And still, she is fucked over because society and our courts are soaked in the patriarchy. The fortunes of women are disproportionately affected by having children and there is naff all you can do about it.

I’m really not suggesting you shoot your ex, but have you seen dirty John Betty on Netflix? her court case arguments are so similar to this... I’ve not finished it yet but as it’s a real story I know the ending

Well as it happens, things have come to a head and after today the only way forward will be mediation and/or court.

I may get nothing in the end but there is a good chance I may be entitled to a little more than the nothing I stand to get if I signed the forms right now.

I will not take this further than I can afford but I feel I owe it to myself to try.

The most important thing is that you find a way to make peace with it, whatever the outcome. The system is unfair. Women are routinely fecked over by feckless dads and the system supports them. So, as long as you find a way to not be bitter and have it eat away at you, crack on.

One thing my sister did was it wasn't a clean break settlement. If at any time he makes it big, she can come after him for more £££.

I agree with pp that I don’t think you can say that he wouldn’t have been able to buy a house if he had had additional childcare responsibilities. He lived with his parents for years rather than a rented place- that would have helped him save. He has also been paying maintenance (although I agree it’s a derisory amount). Also op you had your income topped up by benefits too because you were a single parent. Realistically it doesn’t sound that you had all that many assets to split.

Faod I am a single mum with a dd with additional needs. But I work full time and am better off than my ex despite the extra childcare and effort I have to put in.