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Original poster

Family court re child access

45 replies

justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 07:40

I'm posting this on behalf of DP. I know you'll say it's none of my business, but I have access to Mumsnet and he doesn't do easier for me to ask. I'm not get involved in real life other than to support DP.

Access arrangements for his DD have broken down. Previously he had 2 evenings every week and EOW Friday to Sunday. His ex has now said one evening per week and every Sunday 10-8. No overnights. DP also has other children who followed the same pattern (no changes with these).

ExP won't say why she wants to change but has recently started a new hobby for which she needs childcare every Sunday. This would seem to be the reason.

She won't go back on the new arrangement so DP has arranged mediation and is fully prepared to go to court. However, he can't get an individual interview date for mediation until end of May so it looks like the whole process is likely to take months.

My question is, what does he do in the meantime. He clearly doesn't want to stop seeing DD, that isn't an option. However his fear is that if he goes along with the suggested contact then by the time it finally gets to court the judge will see it as the new normal and won't change it back again. It clearly isn't in DDs best interests as it reduces her sibling contact and since her GPs live far away she will never see them (can't get there and back in one day and they can't get to us).

Should we stick to EOW but just have the Sunday's? Or go along with every Sunday? What would be your advice for now if in the future DP was going to ask the judge for the original agreement back?

Thanks for any help you can offer

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 25/04/2019 07:44

Take all the contact he can get.

stucknoue · 25/04/2019 07:48

Ask for eow plus the Sunday every week dropping one midweek. Assure exp that maintenance won't change (I suspect that's why she doesn't want to change number of hours)

Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 08:53

She has dropped his hours from about 30 per week to 13. She has removed all overnights and is saying maintenance will have to increase to reflect the fact he no longer has DD overnight.

OP posts:
fourplusfour · 25/04/2019 09:27

I agree with @stucknoue - stick with eow plus the extra Sunday instead of midweek. This keeps as much of the status quo you want and shows flexibility with what ex is asking.

The fact she's mentioned a change in maintenance is quite telling though.

MissMalice · 25/04/2019 09:27

As MrsBB says, take all the contact he can get. It’s usually 4-8 weeks for a hearing after the court application has gone in. Get him to prepare the C100 ready for the MIAM and submit it the same day if he can. The courts do not look favourable on parents who unilaterally change established arrangements without good reason.

MrsBertBibby · 25/04/2019 09:35

Also look at the question at the foot of p8 of C100. Has he tried other mediators?

Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 10:52

Is the C100 for mediation? I thought that was only if he needed to go to court?

His ex partner is unlikely to engage in mediation. She has already stated she won't pay. I don't suppose he can compel her to attend mediation can he?

OP posts:
MissMalice · 25/04/2019 11:52

No he cannot compel her. He is only required to attend a MIAM. The mediator will sign part of the C100 if he needs to go to court. If she won’t go to mediation and she won’t revert to original arrangement then it wold be sensible to have the C100 prepared.

Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 12:06

He has been back to her and offered the suggestion of EOW plus every Sunday, with or without the current evenings midweek. She is not willing to do this because it would be more time than the original agreement and she thinks her maintenance will go down. DP has explained it won't because there are no extra overnights, and that he wouldn't reduce his current payment even if he "legally" could do so. She is refusing to budge. 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 12:20

She is banking on the fact that DP can't really afford court. However, she can probably afford it even less and I'm assuming that half of all court costs would be hers to pay? In which case she may back down if she sees he is serious about going to court.

It's a complete mess to be honest, and just shows how utterly impotent the NRP is in the face of a RP who can't be reasoned with.

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 25/04/2019 13:24

Inital court cost is your DP's. £215. That's it. Any other costs are solicitors/barristers fees and are the cost of each party to fund should they chose to engage the services of them.
If you are on a low income, your DP can apply for fee remission which may reduce the amount of court fee to pay (could be reduced to nil).

2boysDad · 25/04/2019 13:45

OP - you don't need to hire a solicitor/barrister - you can self-represent in court.

That's not odd these days - most family court cases have at least one party who self-represents. A good friend of mine had to do this when he had a very similar problem to your OH. He got everything he wanted in court.

You'll get good advice on this forum but you might want to take a look at the "seperated dads forum" (google it). There are a lot of people on there who have had the same problems (and worse) as your OH and can offer detailed specific information as to what he should do.

Keep up the fight. His ExP is abusive both to you and your partner and more importantly to her own children. Let's not call it anything else - this is abuse - pure and simple.

Good Luck.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 25/04/2019 13:51

Separated dads forum is okay, however some very bitter men are on there who you should avoid. There is also a poster called warwickshire who gives dreadful advice and I am secretly convinced they are a woman trying to derail men from going to court ignore their advice.

PippilottaLongstocking · 25/04/2019 13:56

Court costs won’t be split but the initial cost (without solicitors etc) is only £215 and if you qualify you can apply for a reduction (form EX160)

2boysDad · 25/04/2019 14:01

Any forum populated by people who have had bad experiences with the opposite sex will attract a few bitter types. That's human nature and mumset is no different I'm afraid.

Key is to iignore those types & use forums to get the actual advice you need to fix your problems.

And before anyone asks - not it's not as good as legal advice from a solicitor but in these days of no legal-aid - it's the best that may people can do.

Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 14:58

Thank you all so much, you've been really helpful

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 25/04/2019 15:36

I would be careful of self representation. The courts put up with it because they have to but it’s way more efficient to get a solicitor or a barrister if things get tricky. Just because people do self represent, it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to do and it’s very stressful. Younger family solicitors/Barristers are not expensive and will give decent advice. A barrister is way better in court than you will be. They are also detached and can be persuasive. That’s what you want with a mum that won’t budge.

I don’t know how old DD is, but what does she want? How do 2 evenings in the week fit in with school life, clubs and homework? Does consideration need to be given to this and stability in the week due to school?

coffeeismybestie · 25/04/2019 15:54

I would also echo what the previous pp
Said about self representing. Dp is doing and it's hell. No one has listened to him regarding contact it seems more about the ex's irrelevant concerns that dp can prove are wrong. He's had to start at the beginning and even though he has tick every box and the ex hasn't he still is unable to get regular contact because her solicitor draws up the contact order.

I'm not trying to scare you, try and get someone in with you dp to at least make notes. If I hadn't seen it all first hand I would believe my dp is the worst father. I'm hoping that that it get old for her in time but after 5 years I think the drama will continue

Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 18:46

Thank you for that advice. I think a solicitor will definitely be the way forward. We won't be ordered to pay for her solicitor will we?

OP posts:
Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 18:48

DD is 6. She just wants to see her dad and is stuck in the middle, poor thing. We have said 8pm return is too late on a Sunday or a school night and she would be better off just sleeping at ours but again ExP won't hear of it

OP posts:
Original poster
justchecking1 · 25/04/2019 18:51

We also offered to return her at 7 so she could have a more sensible bedtime but ExP insists she needs to be out til 8 so she gets alone time. The child really isn't at the centre of concern here at all

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 25/04/2019 18:53

Costs orders in children cases are generally only made to punish bad litigation behaviour (ie taking the piss procedurally) so no.

Everytimeref · 25/04/2019 18:55

Wikivorce is a good forum to seek help with this.
Personally I think that when a RP changes contact without good reason such as this situation, then maintenance payments should be suspended until it's sorted.

BubblesBuddy · 26/04/2019 00:08

Don’t suspend any payments! That looks vindictive and the money is for DD so ultimately it hurts her. Being reasonable in the face of unreasonable actions is always a better course of action.

Choose a solicitor with a specialist family section. The issues you describe are not particularly unusual but I would be inclined to possibly drop mid week contact in return for longer at the weekends. Weekdays often end up being problematic due to school. See what advice you get from a solicitor and you should end up with the best contact for DD who should be at the centre of any debate.

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