13 year old dd refusing to have contact with her father

[liv4357]

Hi our dd is 12 and has been refusing to see her father for around 2 months now.
I am trying to be middle man and be there for dd but she is adamant she doesn't want any contact.
Her father is hard work, he is very confrontational to everyone causes arguments between family when dd is there etc. I have tried my best to protect her from everything but she is getting older and has seen things or situations that she is not happy with.
She has told her father what is wrong but his response it to call her a brat and tell her she is overreacting etc also placing the blame on her. We have been separated for a long time due to emotional and physical abuse although I never reported it. I also have never told dd the real reason we separated just that we didn't get on fell out of love etc but she has seen various other girlfriends be treated badly so I think she has some idea of the real situation I was in although we never talk about it.
He is demanding she sees him and telling me I have to force her, he just said he dealing with cafcass and he said he won't let this affect the situation with his other child. And telling our dd she needs to think of her step sibling instead of herself which I think is the wrong things to say and isn't helping. Dd has said she has had enough of the way he behaves and no longer wants to see him. I k ow him very well I also am close to his family who several have gone nc due to the abuse they regularly get from him etc
I obviously don't want to force dd to go and want to support her but I am not stopping the contact myself and trying my best to help resolve it, there is a court order from about 6 years ago where I did stop contact due to him not contacting or visiting dd we ended up agreeing things in mediation and it was fine for a while I was happy regular contact was in place etc he no longer let our dd down. He has now started to blame me saying I need to do more but what can I do? I'm scared of him even all these years later but I can't help but feel he is bullying dd by the things he is saying. He said he will go down the legal route if he has to and she refuses to see him anymore so how do I support her? Also she legally has to have contact until she is 16 so she doesn't have a choice.
I just would like unbiased opinions I am trying my best but finding it hard to bite my tongue when he is saying things that are in my opinion harmful to dd she can't speak to him without ending up in tears it's heartbreaking

He is calling all the shots and controlling you. You can put a stop to this. I'm going out now - back later- but plenty of people will be able to say more about this.

Your right he is, I can't let him do that anymore it so stupid after all these years I still let him

Perhaps just reply "I will be seeking legal advice to seek a variation in the contact order. DD is clear in her wishes and has witnessed unacceptable behaviour whilst at contact with you. Please stop harassing me, DDs welfare is my only concern here."

Then block his number. He is sh*tting himself as this could affect contact with his DS massively and he knows it!!! If he only has contact with him at a contact centre then I would go ahead with DD having separate contact with her half brother.

I would also contact the extended family she wishes to see, it is evidence that she is supported having contact with her paternal family whilst not being subjected to a relationship with an abusive parent.

He is still controlling you and you still seem in the FOG. What happened with his ex that he is being forced to use a contact centre? I would be asking to speak with the carcass officer and social worker involved with that case.

Thankyou that is helpful advice, visits in a contact centre were arranged as his ds is 6 I think and hadn't seen him in a long time. Well that's what Iv been told anyway. I am in contact with his family members who fully support her but I know they wouldn't get involved if I asked them too, he would give them hell if they did. So they won't help but I will be sending that through text and trying to arrange contact with who she wants to visit. Before I ring cafcass Monday should I make dd aware that is what I'm doing? Or is it best to let her know closer to the time of anything happening. You are right he is so worried about the problems this could cause for him with his ds that obvious because it's all he is concerned about
(Post edited by MNHQ)

Perhaps discuss it with DD tell her what you think will happen, that you will support her 100% and is she prepared for you to send that message to him?

You cannot promise that the court will side with her but if she is prepared to be open and honest as to why she doesn't want to see him anymore it is highly unlikely she will ever have to see him again.

I think you need to discuss it with her - I certainly would with my 12 year old, she may disclose more reasons as to why she doesn't want to see him anymore

You can't really involve CAFCASS other than through an application, they are unlikely to discuss the other child's case with you.

Stop engaging with him, make sure any communication is by email. Get him paying a decent amount of maintenance - kids are not pay per view! At your DDs age, her wishes regarding contact will be listened to you by the courts. Right now he is still trying to dictate to you how you live and how you bring up your daughter. That has to stop.

All of this ^ . And absolutely no need to lay out what you plan to do. Just stop jumping to his tune. Send one email. Please use email to raise any essential questions about DD from now on. Ignore any irrelevant nonsense. Always wait 24 hours before replying unless it's a life and death situation. I believe you're ready to do this now OP.

And ignore all texts in future.

Your dd is 13, no court would be able to force her to see him. You should apply to court but in reality, whether you do or not is up to you. He can apply to enforce the order but no one will force a 13 year old to see her father.
Cafcass will only get involved if there's a court application involving your daughter. You could ask to speak to the person dealing with his ds & tell them your concerns about his behaviour, they might want that information to help them consider risks to his ds.
He tells you what he wants you to believe - he's having to be supervised with his ds but he tells you his ex's allegations weren't believed? Doesn't sound likely.
He's still bullying, controlling & emotionally abusing you & he's trying to do the same to your dd. If dd is not going to see him, do you really have to stay in touch with him?

I really would seek legal advice about whether it's best to apply for a variation yourself or leave it to him to apply.

I will ring cafcass Monday to ask advice I have also found a local solicitor who specialises in family law so I will ring them too. I will ignore all texts and ask for his email , I have spoke to dd about what I will be doing Monday and she is happy with it so thanks again for the great advice. The only thing I am really worried about is if I ignore the calls and texts I know he will manipulate that into I'm stopping dd from seeing him and I'm telling dd what to say. Just worried they won't listen to her if it comes to that.

Good luck talking to cafcass tomorrow!

This is just like reading about my daughter, who is 13. Can I ask if your situation was resolved in the end?

Hi there, currently going through this. Son is 12, will be 13 by nx court date. We are speaking with cafcass and soon with CCI, Cafcass are very keen for contact to resume but son is adamant. He has written to his school/pastoral for support too. I know what is expected of me and I can encourage etc but son is adamant he does not want contact or even remote face to face during Covid. May I ask, how things turned out for your family? Where there any developments? Was your daughter listened to?