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Original poster

13 year old dd refusing to have contact with her father

65 replies

liv4357 · 19/01/2018 21:09

Hi our dd is 12 and has been refusing to see her father for around 2 months now.
I am trying to be middle man and be there for dd but she is adamant she doesn't want any contact.
Her father is hard work, he is very confrontational to everyone causes arguments between family when dd is there etc. I have tried my best to protect her from everything but she is getting older and has seen things or situations that she is not happy with.
She has told her father what is wrong but his response it to call her a brat and tell her she is overreacting etc also placing the blame on her. We have been separated for a long time due to emotional and physical abuse although I never reported it. I also have never told dd the real reason we separated just that we didn't get on fell out of love etc but she has seen various other girlfriends be treated badly so I think she has some idea of the real situation I was in although we never talk about it.
He is demanding she sees him and telling me I have to force her, he just said he dealing with cafcass and he said he won't let this affect the situation with his other child. And telling our dd she needs to think of her step sibling instead of herself which I think is the wrong things to say and isn't helping. Dd has said she has had enough of the way he behaves and no longer wants to see him. I k ow him very well I also am close to his family who several have gone nc due to the abuse they regularly get from him etc
I obviously don't want to force dd to go and want to support her but I am not stopping the contact myself and trying my best to help resolve it, there is a court order from about 6 years ago where I did stop contact due to him not contacting or visiting dd we ended up agreeing things in mediation and it was fine for a while I was happy regular contact was in place etc he no longer let our dd down. He has now started to blame me saying I need to do more but what can I do? I'm scared of him even all these years later but I can't help but feel he is bullying dd by the things he is saying. He said he will go down the legal route if he has to and she refuses to see him anymore so how do I support her? Also she legally has to have contact until she is 16 so she doesn't have a choice.
I just would like unbiased opinions I am trying my best but finding it hard to bite my tongue when he is saying things that are in my opinion harmful to dd she can't speak to him without ending up in tears it's heartbreaking

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 23:04

Sure I don't need to point this out but he's still controlling you through her

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 23:28

You are so right, I feel helpless because I want to protect dd so stupidly I allow it, to keep the peace. He decided the maintenance he pays what dates he sees dd . Sounds so stupid written down I just didn't want any conflict, don't get me wrong I don't put up with all his crap I'm so much stronger then I used to be, but I know dd will get a hard time while I'm not there, I have just learnt to bite my tongue over the years. It's infuriating at times but it's the only way I could hide it all from dd.

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 23:41

Go to cafcass, he's signposted, cut him out and support dd.

Really feel for you x

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 23:53

I will do, thank you for your help I really do appreciate it. I hope everything goes well with you and your dd's situation x

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 19/01/2018 23:57

You sound like a lovely Mum who has raised a brave and confident daughter. Sod him. He cant stop your DD seeing Aunt and Uncle or her step brother. Good luck with cafcass Brew

bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 00:04

I really feel for you. You're walking a line because it's so important to validate your daughter because she is seeing him for who he is and voting with her feet, but there is a court order too. My DD made a similar decision in similar circumstances. Is there someone neutral your DD could talk to at school? A counsellor? Might be good to have documented her feelings with someone at school.

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 00:32

That is a great idea about dd talking to someone at school, she has mentioned a few times about talking in a group session a while back so I will have a chat with her in the morning. It is hard but I'm making sure he is aware this is all her choice and I will not force her to do anything. He seems to think he can because she is young, I have had some great advice tonight and I will ring around on Monday. I just feel so bad like i haven't protected her enough, but it's hard when I'm not there. I'm so proud of her for telling him how she feels and what's upsetting her, he was furious with her and called her a liar etc but she was so calm and collected and explained her feelings so well. She had told him on the last visit she needed a break after she phoned me in tears. I think because before she has backed down after he made her feel guilty and gone with him, he expects that to happen this time but she is determined this is what she wants.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 20/01/2018 07:47

If there is an order for contact you ought to apply to vary or discharge the order.

You should get proper advice from a solicitor about this.

Good luck.

RandomMess · 20/01/2018 08:32

Def get legal advice and apply to vary the court order.

If he isn't paying the CMS level of maintenance contact CMS and use there collection service as soon as he defaults. Just remove his options of controlling you.

Huge yes to getting in touch with the school.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 08:34

By the sounds of it, you need to respect her decision. He sounds like a massive wanktrumpet, and i don’t blame her for not wanting to see him.

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 09:18

You have all given me great advice Thankyou . I will ring around on Monday and get appointments where I can, he has just paid this months maintenance but has already said he won't pay for a child he does not see. He currently puts £100 in my account so I presume it's the correct amount. But I have the feeling if I did go down the cms route he would go cash in hand as he has his own business

OP posts:
Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 09:22

I do fully respect her decision, she has all our support she knows that. He will make this as difficult as he possibly can, I just have to protect dd and support her choices.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 09:30

CMS on Monday. They will put a stop to that bullshit with maintenance. It will cost you £20. Will be worth it, unless he's self-employed. £100? Is he living on the breadline?

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 09:47

I will call them all on Monday, yes according to him he is, he also lives in a different county so he pays more (petrol days out etc) to see her. He used to live in the same area but moved about 9 years ago

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 09:51

Is he in the UK?

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 10:00

Yes he lives roughly 1hr 30min away

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 10:02

How long has he been paying you this princely sum?

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 10:22

It used to be £80 until about a year and a half ago

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2018 10:57

Still he has acknowledged that he isn't going to see DD anymore in writing...

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 11:03

He has said through text he won't accept this behaviour from her she is being spoilt, selfish and stubborn and no daughter of his will behave like that. He will not allow dd behaving this way to affect the relationship with his ds. I said she doesn't want to see him in a few weeks (next contact centre date, he wants to take dd to see her sibling) but I will talk with her and try to resolve it but he needs to give her time. Then he replied with the sentence above.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 11:04

We do you let him text you? We need to talk about how to learn not to engage with abusive exes.

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 11:07

He just said he is concerned about the negative impact on his son, he said dd is becoming a rebellious teenager and I need to punish her my end. I have tried to explain this is how she feels, we need to respect that and try to resolve it but he will not accept any fault and just tells her she is over reacting, and needs to forgive and forget like an adult

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2018 11:09

I think you need to go grey rock, stop engaging with him.

DD does not wish to see you anymore I believe this is due to the behaviour she has witnessed. I will be applying to court for a variation (or whatever it's called)

So he has to see his DS in a contact centre??? You really need to protect your DD for him Thanks

Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 11:11

I feel if I don't reply things will escalate I haven't replied since last night he has sent a few since then saying what I just wrote, if I dont reply he will go straight to court and I'm worried he will turn it into a situation where it looks as though I'm refusing contact and our dd will not be listened too. I must seem so stupid but I really don't k ow what's best to do

OP posts:
Original poster
liv4357 · 20/01/2018 11:18

Yes he does although I think that ends in February he says it is due to the court granting him contact and because he hadn't seen his ds in over a year. He said ds's mother made herself look stupid with all the lies of abuse etc. So basically exactly what he did to me years ago. It's not about me though I will send that message and that will be it. Had a chat with dd she said she will speak to someone at school so that's good for her to talk to someone neutral.

OP posts:
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